"Why hard only at porn"

roark

Member
Hello, I'm new here, this is my first post after a week lurking through the site.
I'm 42 and I'm Italian, so sorry in advance for the mistakes that I'll do in my writing.

"Why hard only at porn"
That's what I googled after noticing that when watching porn I got hard in a couple of seconds, while my performance in bedroom was being very sluggish in a year or so, to the point that having sex has become a pain.
Soon I discovered Gary Wilsons TED talk, YBOP, and finally this forum. Gabe's energy gave me a lot of motivation to start this journey, he's really a tough guy!
When I read the typical symptoms of porn addiction and that there was a way to undo everything I was like, mamma mia! I've solved all my problems! I'll become a new man!

So, this happened on Jan 19th, now I'm at day 6 of reboot in hard mode. So far so good, I'm feeling super positive.
My P consumption over the last year has been quite regular. I noticed it was often difficult to M with no P and I thought that could be related to my ageing. I've had periods with much higher consumption in the past, like 15 years ago (the dawn of fast internet) I remember being wake until 4am sometimes, and super zombie the next day. I developed social anxiety, lack of concentration and occasionally ED and DE.

Back to today, I'm waiting for the flatline to hit. MWs are there (about 50% of power), my mood is way better than it was before starting.
I'm not sure what you guys mean with no libido. My dick is indeed unresponsive and lifeless (except at night), but that should not be a surprise, as long as P has been taken out of the way and it was (and still is) the only reliable way to make it work.
Is there a test to understand if I'm in a flatline?

Cheers!
 

marco_60

Active Member
Hi Roark! I am Italian like you, but twenty years older  ;) . You will easily detect if and when you will be in "flatline" mood: basically when you will be indifferent to real girls, e.g. when you see them around and you will feel no interest at all. I am in flatline right now, in my case it arrived only one month after starting reboot. This is my second reboot in 7 years: the first one worked pretty well, although I am much older. After about 5 months I had complete intercourses and no DE.

Go ahead then! You will certainly see the results, but I think two things are important: 1) Do not be anxious about results, 2) Your brain needs time to forget not only P, but also that you got excited through M. In my vase the latter was the most difficult thing to get.

 

roark

Member
Hi Marco
Thanks for your reply, pais?  ;)

I've been in and out P several times before, without knowing anything about rebooting and stuff. I've never noticed anything similar to the flatline before, only benefits.
Maybe the abstinence wasn't long enough.
Let's see how it goes
 

roark

Member
Day 6
So yesterday I was waiting for the flatline, today I had withdrawal symptoms instead.
I had a couple temptations I resisted and the second one was particularly intense. I felt like my balls were about to explode if I didn't release. I applied the trick I learned when I quit smoking years ago: instead of being like no, I'll not do it anymore, I'd say ok, maybe tomorrow, not now. This helped me to relax and keep on track, but then I had a big headache and I slowly started feeling more and more nervous, some tachycardia and like my movements were out of control.
After 20 minutes i started feeling better, now I'm ok.
I think I probably underestimated how hard this journey could be.
Maybe it's true that this is an actual addiction. I couldn't help but think that I was behaving like those drug addicts that you see in the movies.
Anyway I'm still positive. A bit scared but positive
 

marco_60

Active Member
You are right to feel positive, Roark :) . When I find myself in the situation you just described I have developed a personal strategy which has always worked: I think about my final goals, I try to represent with my imagination what I will do when I will have overcome my PIED. Until now this has worked well for me. And remember: we all are on your side.
 

roark

Member
Thanks Marco, I really appreciate your support.
Next time it happens I'll try to visualize the benefits of rebooting.

So today is day 8. (yesterday I

Today went by quite smoothly. I've been busy so I didn't have too much time left for thinking or to be tempted.
I'm also enjoying much more the time spent with my family
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
roark said:
Day 6
So yesterday I was waiting for the flatline, today I had withdrawal symptoms instead.
I had a couple temptations I resisted and the second one was particularly intense. I felt like my balls were about to explode if I didn't release. I applied the trick I learned when I quit smoking years ago: instead of being like no, I'll not do it anymore, I'd say ok, maybe tomorrow, not now. This helped me to relax and keep on track, but then I had a big headache and I slowly started feeling more and more nervous, some tachycardia and like my movements were out of control.
After 20 minutes i started feeling better, now I'm ok.
I think I probably underestimated how hard this journey could be.
Maybe it's true that this is an actual addiction. I couldn't help but think that I was behaving like those drug addicts that you see in the movies.
Anyway I'm still positive. A bit scared but positive

Oh yes sir, the withdrawals and cravings are going to be really hard. This is as real an addiction as any. Just because it isn't shown up in research journals doesn't mean it isn't. The good news is that usually the first couple of weeks are the hardest, then it goes down a little. Once past 2 months it gets significantly easier (although still not a walk in the park).
 

roark

Member
You're absolutely right, akpal.
Buy I should say that I'm already noticing improvements: I feel a little euphoric, less tired even after a bad day at work and more concentrated in the present.
Today I didn't have those cravings fortunately, MW are still there and I still enjoy checking out the ladies here and there
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
yes, that is good to hear. I am also seeing improvements as in my morning wood has reappeared with regularity but it goes down when I stand up. Does your MW go down very quickly you stand up? If so then classic PIED.
 

roark

Member
akpal2 said:
Does your MW go down very quickly you stand up? If so then classic PIED.
I don't know. How long should it stay up? Usually by the time I pee it's soft enough to do it comfortably.
But this morning I hadn't one, which surprised me, because day after day they were getting stronger
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
roark said:
akpal2 said:
Does your MW go down very quickly you stand up? If so then classic PIED.
I don't know. How long should it stay up? Usually by the time I pee it's soft enough to do it comfortably.
But this morning I hadn't one, which surprised me, because day after day they were getting stronger

When you roll around in bed and it stays hard then that is a good starting point. For me rolling around in bed for a few minutes does not make the mw go away. It's when I stand up and start going to the bathroom that it has gone down and turned soft by the time I get to the toilet seat. Apparently once you are healed it should at least last until you're standing for a minute or two. Reaed Gabe's  thread about it. He said later he could hang a towel on it. It was that good once cured. Which is how I recall my original boners when I was a teen.
 

marco_60

Active Member
roark said:
akpal2 said:
Does your MW go down very quickly you stand up? If so then classic PIED.
I don't know. How long should it stay up? Usually by the time I pee it's soft enough to do it comfortably.
But this morning I hadn't one, which surprised me, because day after day they were getting stronger

Maybe you should wait more time (a week ?) before getting worried about it. In my case during the first reboot I realized I had been too anxious about signs like the one you mention, and I was verifying every morning my MW. This time I try to be as relaxed as I can, and I think I start seeing some positive signs (I just updated my journal here).
 

roark

Member
Day 16

I've gone very well so far. Mood is top for my usual standards and I feel better connected to people around me.
I've had no erections except morning woods (not everyday though) and some sexy dream while I was half asleep.

My dick is resting in my pants all the time and I usually don't think about it too much.
But today I was feeling the urge to release some sperm (I felt discomfort in my groin) so I tried to stroke it. No porn fantasies though.
I couldn't get erect and I didn't want to waste too much time so I ejaculated soft.
I know it's kinda weird, do you guys experience that as well?
It happened to me very often after watching porn: instead of ejaculating right on the spot I would let pass some time and then with a little manual stimulation I could ejaculate with no erection.
I wonder if that could have played a role in my ED
 

marco_60

Active Member
roark said:
......
But today I was feeling the urge to release some sperm (I felt discomfort in my groin) so I tried to stroke it. No porn fantasies though.
I couldn't get erect and I didn't want to waste too much time so I ejaculated soft.
I know it's kinda weird, do you guys experience that as well?
......

Yes R, it happened to me in the past, and I can only tell what was the effect of this relapse on me. My brain learned to get excited only through M: any other ways did not work for me. This is why this time, even when I get a pain in the testicles because I need to ejaculate, I simply ignore it and - more  important, for me at least - I do not do any attempts to ejaculate or touch down there. During this second reboot it happened to me three times.

One strategy I adopted successfully was that of visiting forums where people discuss their sexual experiences without posting porn. This gets me excited and relieves the pain down there.

About the lack of libido: it is very common. I also had more than three weeks of total flatness, even without MWs.
 

roark

Member
My brain learned to get excited only through M: any other ways did not work for me.
But I wasn't excited. I mean, I was soft.

Do you think this is the flatline? I don't feel depressed at all, quite the opposite.
Yes, no libido, but that was expected: I was only turned on by porn, now remove that...
 

marco_60

Active Member
roark said:
Do you think this is the flatline? I don't feel depressed at all, quite the opposite.
Yes, no libido, but that was expected: I was only turned on by porn, now remove that...

Well, I do not know: when I had no libido at all I had no depression, and I called that time "flatline".  As can see in the definition here on this site "flatlining" does not always imply depression:  http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=21.0
 

roark

Member
Day 20

Yesterday I jacked off.
No porn, no pixel thoughts. Eyes closed, only focusing on the physical sensations, only real life images in my mind. After countless many years, just analog masturbation. It felt almost like jerking for the first time.
I don't have regrets, at least for the moment. It gave me more confidence that I'm on the right path and that the goal I'm pursuing, i.e. to be free from pixel arousals, is absolutely worth of.
I didn't experience anything bad after that: no cravings, no temptations, no chasing effect.
 

marco_60

Active Member
roark said:
...
No porn, no pixel thoughts. Eyes closed, only focusing on the physical sensations, only real life images in my mind. ...the goal I'm pursuing, i.e. to be free from pixel arousals, is absolutely worth of.....

Yes, R! You are right: just continue, until your brain will forget  PMO. That's our common targets, for all of us here!
 

roark

Member
Thanks for the support, Marco, I really appreciate.

Day 22:
Still on track, MW at 100% this morning (good sign).
I'm not having withdrawal symptoms anymore. I'm more relaxed now and getting used to the "new normal".
And I'm probably less cautious: sometimes I realize that my mind wanders dangerously close to the paths that usually led me to P in the past.
It happens when I'm bored or when I have to accomplish some dull task.
Fortunately I've been able to recognize the patterns on time and promptly break the process (yessa!).

I'm not missing P and all the disgusting things I used to watch, most of which I've never desired to replicate in real life.
And after all I've always been surprisingly bipolar on that. I mean, when I watched P I was so fascinated by those scenes that they seemed to me the most incredible things in the world. I would really admire the actors and think they were so brave and free. Free from constrictions imposed by society, from shame and so on. Right after finishing instead, they would seem the most regrettable and miserable persons. And I couldn't reconcile those 2 aspects of myself. Now I know that probably it was some effect of those dopamine highs that I was unconsciously administering to myself.

I've always thought that P was hurting me but there was always a little space open for doubt and relapses would infiltrate in that, but now that I've come to know the experiences of the other persons in this community and in YBOP I don't have anymore excuses.
Now I know that I'm not alone: so many experiences so similar to mine cannot be a case. And the damage to which I'm exposing my most precious body part (i.e. my mind, not my dick, which is the second btw ;) ) is absolutely not worth delaying a solution.
 
J

J01

Guest
Congratulations on making this decision, and further kudos on seeing the deceptive aspects of porn.  Glad to hear your withdrawal symptoms are lessening.  Here is to another clean day! 
 
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