blueicetea10
Member
Hello! I am starting a journal in this thread. I am new to the forum and I'm excited to keep a public but anonymous account of my journey on the path to success. I hope that keeping this journal will be a resource for my recovery, somewhere I can record and learn from the challenges I face and discuss what I am going through with others.
To give some context on where I am at from where I came from first let's have a blast from the past:
**ALERT Many Possible Triggers Including In Depth Description Of My Historic Consumption Habits**
I have watched and masturbated to pornography since I was 12. I accidentally stumbled onto it when it was left open on my brother's computer. My consumption has varied between frequent (daily) to infrequent (weekly) and at a time my relationship with it was 'normal'. However, since the age of 16 I have participated in forums such as nofap for a few reasons. My use at times became disturbingly frequent and interrupted my natural libido. I found myself masturbating the day before a date with my girlfriend and then not being particularly aroused during real sex and experienced reduced sensitivity. I found also that my tastes in porn grew more and more extreme until I would finish a session feeling ashamed. I recognise in myself a tendency to use porn in ways that do not bring positivity into my life, and so many times I have tried to return to "normal" or "healthy" use (a couple times a week and only soft core). All of these attempts failed and I realise that porn to me is like a toxic, addictive drug. It is not something I can consume healthily due to the physical changes in my brain's reward network which crave more of it and in more extreme forms. Then comes the second major phase in my journey so far. I began visiting niche forums with content that I thought at first was silly, strange, even funny at times. I was looking at captioned wincest and cuckold material with far fetched captions that in the beginning I felt was a strange world that I would bravely touch a toe into, if for nothing other than curiosity. Then I experienced something particularly strange. Upon engaging with the material, particularly degrading cuckold themed captioned material, my heart started racing and adrenaline starting pumping. I PMO'd through the experience and felt shocked and disgusted, however the feeling itself was so visceral that it eclipsed anything i had experienced while watching even hardcore mainstream pornography. From that day around two years ago consumption of that sort of material has been quite regular. Now my brain fires up its arousal modules in the presence of adrenaline and anxiety. I see this as a malfunction of the brain and sign that my issue with pornography is related to my insecurities.
** Trigger warning end**
So that's where I am at now. A few landmark changes happened in the past few days and it is no coincidence that I am posting on here now.
[list type=decimal]
[*]I had a conversation with myself ("face to face" sort of thing) where I got to the bottom of what is going on and made the resolution that I am stepping onto the path of recovery. This is a step that must be taken and it is not enough to simply think about stepping onto the path. It is important to make that step. I made the uncomfortable statement that enough is enough. Somehow I manage to convince myself that just one last time won't hurt. I have had one last time for the last 2 years... I have made that step and I am now on the road that will take me to recovery. It won't be easy and I wouldn't be surprised to see a few ups and downs along the way, but I see myself now as someone recovered from addiction and am describing what happens next as a tale of success.
[*]Yesterday I engaged with the typical kind of material again. After the session I realised just how silly it was. There is a disconnect between the material I was consuming and my real sexuality. So I decided to do something stupid... I began retracing my footsteps of how I got from sexual thought to relapse and analysed the material I looked at. I used my skills as a mindfulness practitioner to notice the way my heart pounded unnaturally as I navigated the content. I noticed a few things but mostly that the material I am engaging with is silly, ridiculous, not even hot when you analyse what is actually on screen, and something to laugh at. I know that this goes against the common advice, and I do not recommend dipping your toes into the shark invested water as I did. However, it allowed me to open up a new and exciting phase of my recover: positivity. I love myself, I love my life and I wish happiness for myself. I see these videos as silly and something to laugh at. I will no longer fight off sexual thoughts and feelings and fight a battle with my addiction, instead I will gently welcome those thoughts, recognise them and let them go.
[/list]
My decision to join this forum was for two reasons:
[list type=decimal]
[*]
Because I recognise the importance of learning from those who have already succeeded. There's a reason we don't spend our time at preschool trying to figure out which combination of colours makes light orange and our time in maths trying to find all the prime numbers by trial and error. It's that the oldest way of learning is by doing: engaging with the practice and adapting your approach by trial and error. However, the second oldest is to apprentice yourself under someone who has already mastered the task. Absorb their knowledge and adapt their strategies to suit you; this method is rapid and reliable and will accelerate your progress. This is the missing ingredient I believe I have been lacking while I walked this path alone in years prior.
[*]
Because I believe that recording my thoughts and gathering them will be damn good therapy. This is something frowned upon that I feel I have to keep quite about in my life on the surface. It is comforting to have somewhere to go that I can discuss this with others going through a similar thing.
[/list]
Thank you for reading my strange ramble, I hope it was interesting and I'm excited to share the rest of my success story.
To give some context on where I am at from where I came from first let's have a blast from the past:
**ALERT Many Possible Triggers Including In Depth Description Of My Historic Consumption Habits**
I have watched and masturbated to pornography since I was 12. I accidentally stumbled onto it when it was left open on my brother's computer. My consumption has varied between frequent (daily) to infrequent (weekly) and at a time my relationship with it was 'normal'. However, since the age of 16 I have participated in forums such as nofap for a few reasons. My use at times became disturbingly frequent and interrupted my natural libido. I found myself masturbating the day before a date with my girlfriend and then not being particularly aroused during real sex and experienced reduced sensitivity. I found also that my tastes in porn grew more and more extreme until I would finish a session feeling ashamed. I recognise in myself a tendency to use porn in ways that do not bring positivity into my life, and so many times I have tried to return to "normal" or "healthy" use (a couple times a week and only soft core). All of these attempts failed and I realise that porn to me is like a toxic, addictive drug. It is not something I can consume healthily due to the physical changes in my brain's reward network which crave more of it and in more extreme forms. Then comes the second major phase in my journey so far. I began visiting niche forums with content that I thought at first was silly, strange, even funny at times. I was looking at captioned wincest and cuckold material with far fetched captions that in the beginning I felt was a strange world that I would bravely touch a toe into, if for nothing other than curiosity. Then I experienced something particularly strange. Upon engaging with the material, particularly degrading cuckold themed captioned material, my heart started racing and adrenaline starting pumping. I PMO'd through the experience and felt shocked and disgusted, however the feeling itself was so visceral that it eclipsed anything i had experienced while watching even hardcore mainstream pornography. From that day around two years ago consumption of that sort of material has been quite regular. Now my brain fires up its arousal modules in the presence of adrenaline and anxiety. I see this as a malfunction of the brain and sign that my issue with pornography is related to my insecurities.
** Trigger warning end**
So that's where I am at now. A few landmark changes happened in the past few days and it is no coincidence that I am posting on here now.
[list type=decimal]
[*]I had a conversation with myself ("face to face" sort of thing) where I got to the bottom of what is going on and made the resolution that I am stepping onto the path of recovery. This is a step that must be taken and it is not enough to simply think about stepping onto the path. It is important to make that step. I made the uncomfortable statement that enough is enough. Somehow I manage to convince myself that just one last time won't hurt. I have had one last time for the last 2 years... I have made that step and I am now on the road that will take me to recovery. It won't be easy and I wouldn't be surprised to see a few ups and downs along the way, but I see myself now as someone recovered from addiction and am describing what happens next as a tale of success.
[*]Yesterday I engaged with the typical kind of material again. After the session I realised just how silly it was. There is a disconnect between the material I was consuming and my real sexuality. So I decided to do something stupid... I began retracing my footsteps of how I got from sexual thought to relapse and analysed the material I looked at. I used my skills as a mindfulness practitioner to notice the way my heart pounded unnaturally as I navigated the content. I noticed a few things but mostly that the material I am engaging with is silly, ridiculous, not even hot when you analyse what is actually on screen, and something to laugh at. I know that this goes against the common advice, and I do not recommend dipping your toes into the shark invested water as I did. However, it allowed me to open up a new and exciting phase of my recover: positivity. I love myself, I love my life and I wish happiness for myself. I see these videos as silly and something to laugh at. I will no longer fight off sexual thoughts and feelings and fight a battle with my addiction, instead I will gently welcome those thoughts, recognise them and let them go.
[/list]
My decision to join this forum was for two reasons:
[list type=decimal]
[*]
Because I recognise the importance of learning from those who have already succeeded. There's a reason we don't spend our time at preschool trying to figure out which combination of colours makes light orange and our time in maths trying to find all the prime numbers by trial and error. It's that the oldest way of learning is by doing: engaging with the practice and adapting your approach by trial and error. However, the second oldest is to apprentice yourself under someone who has already mastered the task. Absorb their knowledge and adapt their strategies to suit you; this method is rapid and reliable and will accelerate your progress. This is the missing ingredient I believe I have been lacking while I walked this path alone in years prior.
[*]
Because I believe that recording my thoughts and gathering them will be damn good therapy. This is something frowned upon that I feel I have to keep quite about in my life on the surface. It is comforting to have somewhere to go that I can discuss this with others going through a similar thing.
[/list]
Thank you for reading my strange ramble, I hope it was interesting and I'm excited to share the rest of my success story.