1,5 years of rebooting. This is where I am at

davenl

Active Member
Hi all,

Have been very active on this forum for the past 2 months during my reboot.

At this point I just experienced my first full blown relapse during my reboot on day 67 of no pmo. This happened 2 days ago after visiting some dating sites for about a week to find a new girl to connect with. Stupid, but it happened. I haven't felt very guilty although I was angry with myself. But most of all I am scared to find out if it have set my ED healing back. I haven't had any sexual encounters yet since my relapse, so we need to wait to find out for sure. I do experience morning wood and don't feel very different than before, so let's hope it didn't cost me too much.

I created this new thread because I see this moment as the start of a new fase in becoming a better human being. During the first two months of my reboot I was quite successful. It wasn't to difficult to stay away from porn and PMO was just out of the question. Flatline took just a couple of weeks and in week 3 of my reboot I was able to have fragile intercourse again, which became better and better. This until I reached a point of "being normal" where things felt a little bit boring. At that point I started to look for other girls and what place is easier to do that than the internet... From there I went back to my fav camgirl and we all know what happened next. I didn't binge though. It was 30 minutes chat and I didn't even O in her presence. But still.. it's not the way it should be and it's a bad relapse. It set me back for sure. The question is: how much?

On the other hand, my reboot the last 2 months have given me so much more than just retaining my erectile health. I quite smoking 5 weeks ago, I haven't had a drink for over 2 months, eating extremely healthy, regular exercise and trying to live a more structured life. Most importantly I am starting to 'feel' again. I am extremely focused on my feelings and where they come from. I did approach a psychologist and will have some therapy for things happened in my teenage years, although I am not sure if there is anything problematic. I just will do a big cleanup now I am working on it anyway. So even if the set back after this relapse is really really bad (which we still have to find out during sex): this part of changing my life will not be taken away from me.

In the first months I did what it took to accept things needed to be workout and solved, starting fragile and with low confidence. Now I gain confidence, understanding the issues better and know what to do, I see this as a new phase in my reboot and all other changes I am going through I thought it might be a good idea to start with a fresh amount of blank pages. I hope you guys will, unless my relapse, keep supporting me in becoming the strong "me" I am supposed to be.

The most important goals for me in this phase (next three months) will be:
  • Maintain No smoking
  • Maintain No alcohol
  • No PMO
  • Clean up potential PTSS issues
  • Get rid of anxiety and chronicle fatigue
  • Structurally decrease stress levels
  • Regain full confidence in erectile health

You can find my old journal over here.

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=5015.0
 

davenl

Active Member
Alright, well... today is quite different from yesterday. I experience not a lot of withdrawl symptoms still, but one: I am extremely anxious. Although I had these feelings before my relapsed, Im pretty sure they are worse now. But I guess it is all part of the addiction so just go through with it. I don't feel like I need to go back to porn or anything so that's a good thing.

I think it has something to do with the anxiousness and the stress it develops but I feel very tired and weak at this point. It also affects my immunsystem. I can feel it. Now I read these things about taking cold showers. Any one experiences with that and the affects on feeling healthy?
 

Rado

Member
Mate, wish youmore luck this time. However I think (as you described it) as there were some massive positive changes in your life in general, physical, mental etc. I don`t think this relapse put you much back. Just keep it up as it was before the relapse and you`ll make it. And don`t be affraid of the anxiety you`re experiencing. After 3 clinical depression episodes I can say one: they will fade away for sure, and in your case very soon. Don`t be fooled by harsh judgment on youself your brain is producing right know. There`s no need of this. You`ll be back on track in couple of days.
 

davenl

Active Member
Rado said:
Mate, wish youmore luck this time. However I think (as you described it) as there were some massive positive changes in your life in general, physical, mental etc. I don`t think this relapse put you much back. Just keep it up as it was before the relapse and you`ll make it. And don`t be affraid of the anxiety you`re experiencing. After 3 clinical depression episodes I can say one: they will fade away for sure, and in your case very soon. Don`t be fooled by harsh judgment on youself your brain is producing right know. There`s no need of this. You`ll be back on track in couple of days.

Hi mate, thanks a lot! I know you are right. That's one other positive thing about this 2nd reboot: I already know what to expect from the first one, so I am not that scared anymore of what will come. If you have any question regarding this please let me know.

I just need to sit it out and wait. And most importantly: rewire! It will speed things up tremendously.
 

renovatio

Member
Hey bud. I am relatively new to this forum and in the beginning states of my reboot. 13 days no PMO, no MO, no sex with my wife.  By the sounds of it, you did very well to go 67 days. I hope I make it that long! I have noticed the first week or so, I had no urges for IP, now I am really feeling urges. The only way I can do this is to cut out anything sexual from my life. right now anything is a trigger.

Anyways, I get now that this isn't easy, but what could be easy to quit after 17 years of the same thing?
Best of luck
 

davenl

Active Member
Renovatio said:
Hey bud. I am relatively new to this forum and in the beginning states of my reboot. 13 days no PMO, no MO, no sex with my wife.  By the sounds of it, you did very well to go 67 days. I hope I make it that long! I have noticed the first week or so, I had no urges for IP, now I am really feeling urges. The only way I can do this is to cut out anything sexual from my life. right now anything is a trigger.

Anyways, I get now that this isn't easy, but what could be easy to quit after 17 years of the same thing?
Best of luck

Hi mate, thanks for the support and well done. I found the first 2 weeks of my first reboot the hardest, because everything is so new, experiencing the flatline and all the withdrawl symptoms. It was scary for me. I hope things work out much easier for you. At my 3rd week things were becomming normal and much easier so I hope you will experience that too. Note that all of the "triggers for sex" you experience right now are probably not triggers for the real thing, but porn so keep that in mind, although I know that is really hard. After 67 days I was really looking for a new girl and I thought I could handle this now after such a period of rebooting, but I couldn't. You have a wife which is a great advantage because you don't have to seek a girl and build trust and loyalty. Make sure you rewire, I found that tremendously important to speed things up, although you have to be carefull of chaser effects and after O depressions.

You are an inspiration to me. Your messages encourage me and give me strength. Good luck and keep going strong!
 

renovatio

Member
Thanks Daven. Glad I can be of service to someone else in the storm called my life! Keep in touch and ill do the same.
 

davenl

Active Member
Anxiety seems to become a little less. Trying to meditate a lot, had a massage today and I try to stay focussed on the present with mindfullness is working I guess. Feels good, because I was completely stressed out my whole body was trampling and restless. It still is but things do actually feel much better today.

I remember this from last time but than it took like 2 weeks before the anxiety became less. Besides that I am not experiencing a flatline. Actually the opposite is true. Not a lot of libido, but I am definitely not 'death' either. The only thing that stays around all the time is the extreme fatigue. I am so tired all the time that I don't want to do anything, but when I go to sleep I can't. Really really frustrating. Probably has something to do with the recovery mode my body is in right now, but I don't know.

Any suggestions do feel better? Thanks!
 

renovatio

Member
I am going through similar issues. I am at exactly 14 days today PMO free. ZERO motivation to work or do anything. I went for a run this am and that was nice and helpful but still am feeling depressed and foggy. Just keeping my mind off P and anything like it is my goal until I am out of this funk. 
 

davenl

Active Member
Again anxiety is less today. Still got this shivering feeling throughout my body, but it looks like it is going down and I have more control over it. I slept quite well last night but I was tired all day long. Feeling like I was high all the time. And so  is my body. Immensely tired. Trying to get as much rest as possible.

I still don't have the feeling of a flatline, which definitely had kicked in my first reboot by now. I am not horny either, but I hope it will come again. I do find myself looking at women though.

If only I could feel like a strong man again... pffff  :'(
 

davenl

Active Member
Renovatio said:
I am going through similar issues. I am at exactly 14 days today PMO free. ZERO motivation to work or do anything. I went for a run this am and that was nice and helpful but still am feeling depressed and foggy. Just keeping my mind off P and anything like it is my goal until I am out of this funk.

Hmm yes I know mate. But it will get better. Probably after week 3. This are the hardest times really. Saw you added a progress bar. Very good. Keep strong
 

renovatio

Member
Last night I had a set back. If you go to my journal you will see what happened...crazy and very disappointed :-\
 

davenl

Active Member
Anxiety a bit less today again. Fatigue become the biggest problem right now. I am unbelievable tired all the time. I have 5 days of work so I hope things will get a bit better with recovering from that.

Another thing I worked out a bit is the whole feeling of boredom. I don't feel depressed, but I do feel tired. Lack of energy and it seems that nothing really can give me energy at all. This is not since my relapse last week, but for quite some time before which made it harder to stay strong.

One of the things I found out during the relapse is that I did not want to O at all. It was all about the rush it gave me and it was incredibly strong, really like a XTC pill. I O'd after because I pannicked but it wasn't about this.

I think stop smoking drinking and porn is just realy f*cking hard to do. I am a person that is really easily an addict I guess. Now I have no addiction nothing feels good anymore. I guess I just need to wait until this passes. Are there any theories on how long dopamine levels take to become normal and rebalanse again?
 

renovatio

Member
I am fighting the same issues...especially fatigue. What I have learned is to not get overly hung up on everything. The more you think about days clean and the "above the shoulders" shit, the more anxious and depressed you will become (for me anyway). Do the best you can a day at a time. Us addicts "use" in order to fill the time and emotional damage. If you dont give the addiction a chance I think we can win 9x out of 10. After 2 weeks of no Porn, I am starting to regain my balance. Head is clearing and I am seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. I Have A LOT of work to do as I am in the beginning stages still, but I am feeling strong today and am grateful for that!
We will get to the end, stay strong.
 
I agree, the two week mark I think is something special... I find that many people definitely see a change by that point (from what I read) and I can personally also see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I am also finding myself very tired, although I also did change my sleep schedule around the same time so I just assumed it was that.  Perhaps not... I wonder if the PMO addiction is also dragging my energy levels down.
 

davenl

Active Member
Thanks guys. You are right. After three weeks will be even better!

I guess living as healthy as possible will help getting rid of being tired.
 

Rado

Member
Hi, experiencig the same right now after nearly 1 month. For couple of days I feel nothing but just tired as hell and anxious (have no Idea about what). I just wake up a bit scared. Since 3 days I became extreme moody, irritated by small things and angry. I just whish this f........ up state of mind to go away. Just need "normality" like air to breath.

I do not have flat line I gues, I mean my libido dropped radically, but not to zero.

Whish you all the best davenl and all rebooters
 

davenl

Active Member
Rado said:
Hi, experiencig the same right now after nearly 1 month. For couple of days I feel nothing but just tired as hell and anxious (have no Idea about what). I just wake up a bit scared. Since 3 days I became extreme moody, irritated by small things and angry. I just whish this f........ up state of mind to go away. Just need "normality" like air to breath.

I do not have flat line I gues, I mean my libido dropped radically, but not to zero.

Whish you all the best davenl and all rebooters

Hi Rado, thanks! I know exactly what you mean! Waking up shaking of anxiety. Not really a good way to start your day, isn't it? I do find that meditation and enough rest help, but still at some points it is just uncontrollable. Hope it will be gone soon, especially for you since you already are at the 30 days mark. Good luck mate!
 

davenl

Active Member
The craziest thing happened to me last night...

So I had a relapse exactly one week ago and started again. Last week was a week of anxiety and extreme tiredness and not a lot of libido.

Yesterday though, my cuddle buddy came around. She was clearly excited and wanted to have sex. I was so tired that I didn't but I wanted to please her orally anyway. When we were doing this I got a bit excited and a little bit hard. She used this to take her chance. After a while she came and asked me if I was to tired to come. Very sweet. That's when I told her that after an O I feel hangover quite a bit, so this was ok for me.

She asked me if I wanted to be celibate and if we could do some tantra. I said I didn't know what that is and from that point on she kept touching me, sometimes to the edge, than she would stop. I was in heaven. After about 3 hours we went to bed. She went to sleep but I wasn't tired at all anymore. Full of energy for the first time in weeks. When she woke up 1 hour later she made me O anyway, because she was scared I couldn't have a good night sleep. Very sweet.

This morning we talked about it and decided we might do this for a longer time. I am really curious what will happen, but I like this a lot and I am very happy that my erection is already there after only one week. Another funny detail: my cuddle buddy is actually my ex girlfriend. I have been with her for 10 years and never knew about this thoughts she had.
 
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