Journals > Ages 20-29

Pushing back!

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Chris Oz:
Hey guys, so I lost this thread earlier, was trying to understand how to get it back to put some input in my journal. Thankfully, when I logged in today I saw it among the ones on top... Maybe because of a reply.

Anyways. I've been doing great. I don't know if I mentioned that I found a sobriety partner over here. It's nice go through this journey of recovery, figuring it out with someone.

It's Day 3.. For me. And I'd say I should be anxious.... In the last 7 relapses, about 5 of them has been on day 3....but Thankfully today has been free of urges, I  did my devotional today which always helps and rededicated myself to God....
I watched a movie too and I felt really great afterwards... It was a good movie. I love movies that show great levels of unselfishness. ( Outer circle activities)

I'd share my Boundaries with you guys tomorrow.

I realize I can't do this on my own. I need fellowship with both others and strength from above. I need to connect with a higher power than myself to conquer this.... And I find that in God.

So I hope to log in tomorrow with a great attitude thanking God for another 24 hours porn free.

Shout to humannature, keep fighting guys

Pushing back, Chris.

Chris Oz:
Chris here, Day 5

So I'm at day 5. But I don't really feel great about it. My goal here is no PMO, no porn... I'm doing that to the best of my knowledge but I think I'm doing something worse.

 Having masturbations are ok for me as far as I'm not doing it to porn or a moving material....

But I'm masturbating to something worse... And that's touch based masturbations. I mean I touch my cousin and feel her body while she's asleep and masturbate to it... It's so sickening. I feel like a horrible person. Gradually it's becoming an addiction.  It's hard to ignore the feeling and the voice at night when she's sleeping right beside me.

We play alot in the day time... which probably convinces me that I can at night. It's totally wrong I know. And that's why I need to stop completely, have more control.

I think porn addiction is trying to transform into something else...trying to come into my life in another way. It's probably me unconsciously finding an escape.
The funny thing is, as soon as I cum out... I stop. There's no further urge to continue.... Just like it used to be with porn.

I think this stems out of the fact that I have no sexual experience with women, never had a girlfriend and I'm a virgin.

May God help me. I think I'm gonna intensify my efforts through more prayers and time with God and try to take a cold bath maybe before sleeping. Have songs to distract my mind while I sleep; that helps. And sleep early..... This is the most important.

Mind you this is not something I want to run from, it's not something I should too. I need to own my own body... Cause running away would just lead to other problems in my future dating life and interaction with girls. I need to know how to have that control.. The more I win every night, the more it becomes a habit.. It feels more natural for me not to want to do so and I can sleep comfortably beside any woman without wanting to masturbate to her body. If I run from it and is faced with that situation with a someone attractive, then I'm in deep shit. So unlike porn, I'm going for control not running away.

Signing out...
Pushing back, Chris

Chris Oz:
Day 6....Yeah.

So I'm getting less attracted to porn, my meditation with my Bible app and devotional plan is helping me out as well as the constant drive to do something important making me less idle during the day. And you know what that means for us, no time for porn.

The night is where I've got o fight more. And currently it's a different fight from the day time.

Yesterday night, with regard to what I posted about the touch based masturbation act, I tried to win it, but it didn't go as planned.
I was doing pretty well until mosquitoes woke me up... It was like they had a plan for me last night.... And funny enough the girl in question started giving me signals and body suggestions to start touching and caressing her.. She has a binge on it too. And poor me with no strong resolution, I dived in slowly an ended up regretting cause there was no real satisfaction. It was just me pleasing her for most of the night ND she didn't return the favour.

I don't really care much about that. I want to stop for both of our sakes. And I have to get stronger for both of us. I'm the older one. We've never fucked though and are never going to cause of our strong fear of pregnancy and fucked up incest but...we really just want stimulation.... For me I think it's just as a withdrawal from porn. It's exactly the same feeling I get from porn. I'm just masturbating to something else and something real.

Anyways, still have that fighting spirit. I'd be pushing back with all my might.

Pushing back!
Chris

HumaNature:
Chris,

Hang in there, this thing distorts normal sexual behavior, desires, and standards. Keep pushing back. The only way to get out of this is through. "Mind you this is not something I want to run from..." you have a mindset you need in order to get through this thing. While what you've written about is concerning you seem aware that it isn't right and that you don't want to be doing it. My family had incest in it too and the sooner you get away from this behavior the better. Rely on God to show you the way, your own inner decency (which I believe is a connection to the divine) is telling you this is not behavior you want to continue. If it's possible to sleep in different rooms I'd say that's the next step to take to help combat this. It's a confusing and damaging thing, please be aware of that and take the action you can. It's up to you to say no and do what you know is right. I'm glad you found the thread again, and again keep pushing.

Rookie:
Greetings and welcome to the board. I'm a fellow Christian as well, and have fought and hated this sin for nearly 20 yrs...since the creation of high speed internet. Let's just be frank about this, it's going to have a strong, strong pull. Especially in the first 10 days.

If I can give a bit of advice, things that I have done, for the first part of my streak, cut off almost all internet, movies and mobile phone. If your cousin is a temptation, stay away. It's for her benefit as well. And you're right, this thing will turn you into something you're not.

The biggest things you can do, stay in your bible (I read between 4 - 12 chapters per day). Watch youtube videos from great preachers (Tim Conway, RC Sproul, Voddie Baucham, Steve Lawson, John MacArthur and the list goes on).

Keep yourself busy

And keep posting.

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