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SebNZ:
Hey man, I'm nothing if not honest. At least for the most part. I spare you guys some of the worst details I guess.

Anyway, I looked at porn again before. 2.5 hours! But again, the milder stuff. I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow and that is acting as a brake against going into the dark territory.

This is obviously not an ideal situation as I already noted below. But for some reason I keep doing it and it feels like the lesser of two evils. I will talk to him tomorrow about what I can do.

Also, as the drugs have worn off (they are almost completely out of my system now), the anger towards women is coming back. This, mixed with low self-confidence in terms of how I look, is basically a catalyst for me to look at porn. This has been my life for many years now. The drugs kind of masked it. So it's good to feel the problem clearly so hopefully I can work out how to manage or maybe even fix it.

Hope everyone is doing well out there :) (I sound like I'm doing quite shit but I'm actually feeling quite alright...weird.)

Maglue:
Seb keep posting buddy...
I'm 36 and a multiple addict for many years of porn alcohol weed food and gambling and I've curbed them all but food is flaring up again...
I'm on day 34 no pmo and I'm finding it extremely easy...
I want real sex so bad I will do everything... but I guess with the food I can relate I just kept thinking about it today until I broke... ...
...
I've realized after nearly 40 days healthy I relapsed on food because I was bored so I'm starting new activities and hobbies...
I'm messaging old friends and catching up and working on new hobbies to fill the time... going to the library tomorrow and have to replace that time that addictions could fill so that you get some dopamine and highs from natural means...
This is what I sort of figured out today and aussie85 is it said it aswell... thanks man....
...
I'm glad your off the meds is going to bring that up...
Anti depressants give you ED, so it's just a loop of more depression... my cousin was on them and he eventually came off them have to be content with what you have and what you really want from your life....
....
Give up the porn for good man..
Life is so so so much better without it...

Learn how to play poker and get into cryptocurrency... !!

All the best sir...

SebNZ:
Cheers man. That's some good advice in your post there. Agree that need to fill up free time with other activities. It sounds like you're a bit like me in that you have an addictive personality? Porn, alcohol, weed food and gambling. Good on you for curbing them.

For me, I've only really struggled with porn. It's my ONE outlet/vice. Sometimes I wish it was more diffuse...like I binged on other stuff. But it's really only porn that gives me trouble. I've never had issue with alcohol (hangover), smoking (makes me feel sick), gambling (too expensive). All of those cost money as well, whereas porn is free. That is the big issue for me. I'm not cheap but I don't like to waste money. Porn is like the ultimate high because it is FREE and it gives me a massive buzz.

I'm still relapsing but I'm trying to get it under control! I saw my psychologist last week and his diagnosis was essentially that I'm using porn as a way to fill a void in my life, an existential void. I agree with that! He told me he's going to use cognitive behavioural therapy to allow me to first get on top of the addiction so it's not wrecking my daily life, and secondly, deal with the underlying causes (lack of interesting things to do and being easily bored and then drawn to porn). So this all sounds great. He reckons I'll need 30 sessions - long term committment to get on top of this problem. I'm okay with this and am committed.

I'm seeing him again on Tuesday.

One more quick point. This morning was Sunday and I've kind of decided that Sunday is my "fuck it" day where I just do whatever I want. I thought this would be good because the rest of my week is pretty structured. I figured that this was leading to relapses. I.e. I would be good all day and 'structured' and then at the end of the day I would be like "fuck it" and relapse. So the Sunday is supposed to be a safety valve.

Good in theory but this morning I relapsed again :( I thought to myself, "okay you can do anything...what do you want to do?" Answer: porn. F***.

Anyway. I will keep at it.

Hope everyone is doing good out there.

PS: Good movie to watch: re addiction and mid-life crisis type stuff: "Another Round".

EarthWalker:
Hi, Seb.

Awesome change with the psychologist. Since you are mentioning this existential void. Have you thought about seeing a psychologist trained in Logotherapy?

Good luck
EW

SebNZ:
Nah mate, is that the type of therapy advocated by Frankl? I will look into it. This psychologist is very CBT-focused.

I finally did not relapse today and am already feeling better for it. In my last cycle of relapses I felt kinda numb to the negatives but they become very obvious at certain points during the day. For example, I'll be feeling okay and then suddenly I'll feel super tired. Or I'll be feeling okay and then I'll suddenly get really angry at something minor. I only am really like this when I've looked at porn. It makes my moods and emotions quite unstable.

Partly this isn't really even the porn I think. It's more the fact that I can't get it under control and it is controlling me. That makes me really mad!

I'm going to see the psychologist again tomorrow for my first proper CBT-session. The first two sessions were just about my personal history. I'm a bit nervous but also hoping that it will put me on the right path.

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