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SebNZ:

--- Quote from: Orbiter on January 17, 2021, 04:35:27 PM ---Welcome back SebNZ.

Sorry to hear of your recent string of relapses. I'm sure it also has not helped losing your journal and with that, a lot of reflections & effort you've put into this journey. The loss of history & work is only a perceived one I assure you. The real work you've done is still counting even right now. Perhaps there might be some benefits to be found in a fresh start?

I can related to the 'emergency nap' to ride out an urges. If it's not working for you as of late, perhaps there are some different circumstances in your life and recovery at the moment that are contributing to the urges being so difficult to manage?

Re the depressing picture of men. Though I have always personally made a conscious decision to stay away from the more misogynistic, violent areas of internet P, I have escalated in other areas and I, like most on this forum, can appreciate the pain & cognitive dissonance of trying to separate yourself from your learnt tastes & preferences.

There are important questions to be asked in regards to why some men have the compulsions to view & treat women the way that they do. I feel it's also necessary to remember that most of our concerning P use is a product of escalation, not innate preference. Just because we've watched a lot of something doesn't necessarily mean we are that something or even like it. I often find this is important to tell myself as not doing so always leads to a shame/relapse cycle that I can't escape.

Anyway welcome back & good luck. We can do this!

--- End quote ---
Good to hear from you man. I 100% agree about the 'shame cycle'.

I'm not sure what's making it more difficult for me to manage to be honest. Lockdown where I live is over, and my relapses started soon after that (but not immediately after!), so maybe that has something to do with it - uncertainty and anxiety. Or maybe it's just random bad luck/neurochemistry. I.e. my brain decided one day to have a relapse and now I'm in the hole again trying to get out.

SebNZ:

--- Quote from: TheHeartacheKid on January 17, 2021, 07:36:12 PM ---Hi SebNZ,

Glad you're back but sorry to hear you're struggling.  You're doing good things for yourself though it already sounds like, including posting on here.

Regarding the creep thing, I too feel it.  Constantly.  Always in my mind that I'm a creep.  But I'm starting to differentiate between a person who has done a creepy thing or two verses a creep.  Every single human at some point has done something someone would deem creepy.  Severity of course varies, but we all at some point do something, I have no doubt.  A creep, to me, is someone who takes pleasure in what they're doing.  Someone who actively enjoys it, and even methodically plans it out in some cases.  We don't take pleasure in this.  From what I've read on here, no one really plans it out or overly enjoys it.  Which would not make us creeps.  It makes us ill, ill in a different way than a "creep."  Creeps don't express the regret, remorse and shame that this forum is filled with.

In general though, I wish as a species, we would do away with a lot of words, creep being one of them :).

But you're not a creep, none of us are, we're just suffering, and now we're getting better.  Stay strong!

--- End quote ---
Thanks for your support mate.

I like your distinction between someone who enjoys it versus someone who is regretful about it. Although even then, I feel pity for the person who enjoys it, and do not feel great about labelling them as a 'monster' or 'evil' like some might do. At the end of the day we're all human. I have made many bad choices in my life and a lot of people would probably consider me a monster but I don't feel like one and I certainly wouldn't like others to think so.

But you are right, there are some people who do simply enjoy hurting others and feel no remorse for doing so. Not sure how many are out there, but they are out there.

SebNZ:
Today was fairly boring. Work is very slow at the moment. I'm planning on taking a few months of unpaid leave to try and sort this problem out. To me that means putting in place a strong structure and routine, fixing my diet, and improving physical exercise. Yes, I should be able to do this while working, but I'm not. And since I have the luxury of taking some time off, I'm going to do it. It will be interesting to see if my relapses stop when I stop working. In that case I know my job may be a key trigger. (probably not working per se but the anxiety of it, or something about the job). Which will be very useful to know!

Another thing I (re)discovered after talking to a friend on the weekend was that one of my drivers for relapsing is being bored or more specifically, needing excitement. Porn is like a massive rush compared to the rest of my life which is basically sitting at the computer, shopping, or at best, going out clubbing/bar hopping (which is less exciting than uplifting- assuming the music is good).

I think thriller/action movies may be able to play a substitute role here. I have a nice TV and good headphones and lately when I've been watching good movies I've noticed myself getting quite excited. Obviously I knew this before but if I can maximise the excitement I get from that, it should help reduce my relapses.

Other much more exciting things are: paintball, organised sport, and adrenaline junkie activities like sky-diving. But at the moment I am too low energy (or lazy if I'm being harsh on myself) to do those things.

TheHeartacheKid:
You're right, I don't like labeling anybody either.  It's part of the reason these things become so taboo and people are hesitant to seek help and such.  It's how some places (particularly the US) are more reactionary rather than preventative.

I'm really impressed you made the decision to take the time off work for yourself.  You know how few people make choices like that when they need it?  Yes, as you said, you can afford it and some others can't, but many other can and simply don't choose themselves when they need to.  Good for you! 

I love movies.  It is one of the most depressing things about this Covid, in that I can't really go to a movie theater (or at least not as often as I like).  Movies in general, I love and always offer me a reprieve, so I think this will work out nicely for you.  And please do share if you watch any good ones!

SebNZ:

--- Quote from: TheHeartacheKid on January 18, 2021, 08:11:47 PM ---You're right, I don't like labeling anybody either.  It's part of the reason these things become so taboo and people are hesitant to seek help and such.  It's how some places (particularly the US) are more reactionary rather than preventative.

I'm really impressed you made the decision to take the time off work for yourself.  You know how few people make choices like that when they need it?  Yes, as you said, you can afford it and some others can't, but many other can and simply don't choose themselves when they need to.  Good for you! 

I love movies.  It is one of the most depressing things about this Covid, in that I can't really go to a movie theater (or at least not as often as I like).  Movies in general, I love and always offer me a reprieve, so I think this will work out nicely for you.  And please do share if you watch any good ones!

--- End quote ---
Cheers mate :) I have now got approval for my time off so looking forward to that. A bit anxious about relapsing again but for some reason I think it's going to be okay. We will see.

I'm really binging movies at the moment so will definitely give my reviews and thoughts on this thread :) Much healthier than looking at porn!

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