C39 Reboot Journal

Hello to all, I am C39, I am 27 yo, and this is my journal.

I started the reboot about 2 weeks ago, but failed three times already. This is my Day 0 once again, and I'm feeling miserable about it :/

I begin the reboot because I am addicted to masturbation, and seeing all sort of picture of women on social media. And I thought it wasn't related to porn. Until after Day 6, the first time I failed, this day I realized that my problem was in fact with porn, and all made sense.

My first contact with porn I was probably 13, maybe 14. And this is something that I never discussed with anybody. And I didn't think that it was a problem. It affected ALL my relationships. I am very anxious when it comes to sex, because I want to repeatedly do it. I don't have PIED but probably a premature ejaculation, as I can't keep up much, and I want to continuously do it. So, I started to realize that I had a problem, after my fiancee warn me about it multiple times.

My fiancee supports me a lot in this whole process which is great, but I am having a lot of troubles with my thoughts and that makes chase porn and masturbation.

I think that one of the problems that makes me fail is that I am trying to do the Reboot without masturbating, no sex, and no porn. But I don't see any other way if not the one I am trying to cross.

If you have any ideas/words of encouragement that would help me to keep it up, and abstract from my desires it would help me a lot!

Day 02

Yesterday was ok, I had a single trigger but instead of instigating the feeling I wrote in my personal journal. My personal journal is one of the things that are helping me the most. It helps me understand how my brain works right now, and why that is not cool.

Today, I had therapy and we adjusted some of the parameters for me doing the reboot. What happen is that the way I was doing wasn't working for me, so for the time I will only cut porn completely, and try to rewire the way I see masturbation and sex with my fiance. Of course I will try to avoid doing it but not getting like anxious as I was, cause that was the problem for me keeping failing.

I think it is for the best, I am doing therapy 2 times a week because of the reboot, so I am pretty confident!

Day 05 - [TRIGGER WARNING]

This past days have been ok so far. I am trying as much as possible not to think about pornography and enjoy my day better.

My fiancee and I started to do tantric massage. Which led me to research for this and was a big trigger. I even got to see some videos but stopped immediately (I don't know if it counts as a relapse) But, we did two sessions of the tantric massage. The first was just body massage and the second we did so M without O. I noticed that I got anxious after the M without O. And I couldn't stop to touch her body at night, which wasn't cool. I talked with my therapist about that and she told me that for the time is better to not focus on M when doing tantric massage, not in a way to not do it, but in a way to not becoming the primary objective of the massage.

Day 09 -

I didn't have any trigger today (first time in a while). And things are doing fine. I am feeling very happy for doing the reboot. Also, yesterday I did M and I could keep it for like a hour - this almost never happen with me as I usually get very anxious.