rebootrapp
Active Member
Hey all. I'm writing this primarily for married dudes getting started, or people in a committed relationship at least, because that's where I'm coming from. I'm gonna get the bad news out of the way at first, and then we'll recover from there.
There's a couple things you need to realize up front. This won't be easy to read. Like I said, this is stuff that took me time to figure it out, I'm trying to help you figure it out sooner! I promise it won't all be bad news, just stick with me.
One, your partner's self esteem is likely in the dirt, and it's at least in part your fault. Two, while this is a legitimate addiction, that doesn't absolve you of all responsibility for the pain you've caused. Three, your recovery as a person and your recovery as a couple are directly linked, and while you can recover as a person without recovering the relationship, the opposite is *not* true. If porn is ruining your relationship, you can't ever go back. There is no more porn for you. Ever. I'm talking like right now, you must make a conscious decision to not allow your eyes to see it again. At. All. Period. This is something I didn't fully grasp until a month or so in. Don't be like me, accept now that your love affair with porn, because that's what it is, is over. Don't call her, don't text her, if you see her in the grocery store, run away.
If you go back to porn, it will crush whatever progress you've made in the relationship, unless you come forward about it. Sorry to open up with a downer, but you've got to come to grips with the gravity of what has been done. There's no take backs, ya know? So take a few minutes/hours/days and absorb that.
Now that that's outta the way. Let's review the positives, because there's some major ones!
A) If your partner is still around despite all the lying, and all the betrayal, he/she must really love you. Your mission now is to devote yourself to showing them that you are worth that sacrifice on their part.
B) If you're on this site, you've already taken a big step in the right direction to be done with porn.
C) If I can do it, you can do it. None of us on here are that different, we all started young, we've all done some shit we're not proud of, and we've all tried quitting before but always fell down the hole again.
The question then becomes, how do you prove to your partner that you're worth it? I'll tell you how I am doing it, and the benefits I've seen in my life.
I'm just gonna say this here and then not mention it again, but if you have the means, get yourselves in marriage counseling. There's a lot of stuff that we'd never really said to each other that came out during our sessions which really opened my eyes, and while some of it was incredibly frustrating to hear, I needed to hear it. She'll unload on you in there, but just expect it, and know that she's in pain. She has to vent, and counseling is the appropriate place to do it. That way everything stays controlled, no one totally blows up, and it's constructive.
Now, proving that you're worth the pain of staying is a three headed monster, and these are done simultaneously.
First, you're healing yourself. This starts with forgiving yourself. Regardless of whether or not she forgives you yet, you must forgive yourself. That's the foundation of your recovery. To me, I couldn't forgive myself until I truly came clean to my wife. Told her everything. Things I thought I would take my grave, I told her. I'd highly recommend you do the same. From there I asked God's forgiveness.
Second, you're healing her. She may have come to believe that she is inadequate as a mate sexually, and it is your job to show her otherwise. Her self esteem is in the dumps, she doesn't recognize you anymore. It's tough, and weird, but a few things I've read have pointed out that you have to be an agent of her healing. And my personal experience definitely backs that up.
Lastly, you're healing together. There's a rift between the two of you, you don't laugh like you used to, you don't touch like you used to, and you're probably not sure things can ever be that way again. In some ways yes, in some no. What's done is done. As my wife said, the "innocence" of the relationship is gone. You have violated her trust and your vows. But, the spark can be reignited in spite of that. You can fall in love all over again! Things can't ever be the same again, but if you're like me, you wouldn't want that anyway. "The same" = an endless loop of PMO, guilt, regret, try to quit, have no sex life, jerk it again, rinse repeat. So who in their right mind would want that? We now have a very active sex live, legitimately laugh together all the time, and enjoy each other's company. Every single thing about my marriage is better than it was.
For that matter, everything about my life is better. I'm less anxious, I'm less angry. I'm more confident, more patient with my son. I'm a much better father than I was before (according to my wife). Work is still work, but since I'm all around happier, it's better. My mind is clearer, I no longer obsess about it having been more than 24 hrs since I last ejaculated, I've got more free time, and I don't carry around a ton of guilt on my shoulders every day.
My wife is more confident, my son has had a lot of improvement in behavior and attitude now that the tension between my wife and I has dissolved. This porn thing had spread into every aspect of my life, and now that it's gone, everything is better.
I wish there were some magic sauce to tell you exactly what to do to quit for good. I highly doubt that it works that way, but I will tell you how I've changed my behavior, and how my wife and I have changed our routine. And hopefully if you're struggling, this will give you some ideas to apply in your life.
Individually:
* When I have an urge, I literally say "no" out loud, and move on. Do something else, anything else, quickly.
* I shower my wife with compliments and I love you's. I think I was pretty good at that stuff before, but everything I said before has no value because I was lying about so much, so I had to start all over.
* At the insistence of my wife, I got rid of ALL social media. All of it. Too many triggers, and even if not that, too much time wasted.
* I read articles on PA every day. Especially right now with so much press coming out thanks to Gabe spreading the word, this is easier now than when I started in March. Whether it's YBOP, or an entry in the Partners forum to gain insight into how my wife may be feeling. Emerald Blue, Gracie, Objectified, are among the women who I read regularly.
* Again, I can't stress the importance, tell her EVERYTHING. And then from that moment forward, be honest about your reboot. The lying at this point is the most painful thing for her. Not 10 minutes ago I told my wife about a slip up I had watching a TV show with her and glancing at a woman's chest on the show. I've told her about urges, times I catch myself checking women out in public, ads I see on websites with half naked women, etc. You get the point.
* Live your life as if she's right next to you every single second, and if you're thinking about doing something she wouldn't approve of, don't fuckin do it!
* This includes checking other women out in public, on tv, etc. I was a creep before, staring women down and what not, it's pretty embarrassing really. I still fight this every day, it's the hardest part now. I don't have to check out a woman's ass just because it's probably nice, and you don't either. It ain't yours, she ain't yours, so just let it go.
* Pray often, or meditate if that's your thing. I thank God regularly for the chance to redeem myself, for my family, my job, my house, my dog, this life. I spent so long praying for God to bring things into my life, now I realize that I've got all I need, so I simply give thanks.
* Journal on this site every day. This is important, it keeps me plugged in, and keeps me focused on the goal. There have been weeks where I still read posts, but didn't write any, and it's different. I have to journal every day. I miss one here and there, but it's the exception, not the rule.
* This wasn't my idea, but I think it helped my wife. Get an STD test. She needs to know that when she starts sleeping with you again, she is safe. She has no idea if what you say is true, and if you're not in her eyesight she has no way of knowing what you're really doing. She rightfully doesn't trust you. Don't be angry about that fact. Just accept it. Time to lay down in the bed you've made. So the STD test, while not a guarantee that you haven't slept around, at least gives you a little more credibility. Admittedly, I really didn't want to do this, it took me waaaaay too long. But it's done now.
* I do way more around the house to help. Dishes, floors, bathrooms, cooking, whatever can make her day a little easier or take something off her plate for tomorrow.
* I spend more time with my son. We've read books, played baseball, football, hockey, toys, tickle monster, nerf guns. I spent so much time cruising pornhub to find the next video, it feels good to give that time to my child instead.
* I really try to improve my active listening, and try to empathize with how she feels. There have been a few times where I just can't understand why she feels the way she does, but not many. This is important, and something you'll get practice doing if you go to counseling.
* I would also highly encourage you to just give up masturbation altogether. Especially if you've got a partner. Some disagree with me on this and say as long as there's no porn it's fine, but I would think your brain could wander, especially since we're so used to having a new video every time. Just say goodbye to jerking off.
Together:
* Once this all started, we didn't hardly watch tv at all for 3-4 months. We read books aloud together. We started with The Travelers Gift, then The 5 Love Languages, and we've been on a book called Not Just Friends for a while now. It's a really dense book, and it starts some difficult discussions, but it has been the most helpful overall. I wouldn't do it first though, the other two I mentioned are a little bit more "feel good" and give you some positive momentum before digging in to the real meat.
* On nights we didn't feel like reading, we'd just talk. There's a lot to talk about, and things won't improve all by themselves, so talk it out. It wasn't easy, it wasn't fun sometimes, but absolutely crucial.
* Give massages. Give lots of massages. There was a ton of tension in our lives, and that manifests itself physically, so help her out and give her a massage.
* I made her a playlist of songs that express how I feel about her, or that I associate with her. I work a lot, usually 55+ hrs a week, so this gives her something from my heart to have when I'm not here. She made one for me too. This playlist is something I would usually play while giving her a massage. I light candles, turn the lights out, and try to make it as romantic as possible. I still add songs to it, it's an evolving thing.
* Touch each other. We did this thing where we would get totally naked, sit in bed with at least some light, and just touch each other. I had spent so long looking at porn stars that it felt great to just appreciate my wife's beauty, and her knowing that I find her gorgeous now that the porn is gone is helpful too. Sometimes this would lead to other things, sometimes not. But it builds intimacy in the relationship either way.
* We didn't swear off sex. At first, I think my wife did it sometimes just to give her some confidence that I wouldn't jerk off if we were having sex all the time. And that probably did help me to not relapse at first. We did end up doing a week long sex fast at one point. The first time after that was over was insane, just amazing. There have been a few slow times since we've gotten past the point of always worrying about me having a relapse, and I think we're on a 2-3x per week right now. Compared to 2-3x per month before. It's amazing. We don't force it anymore, it happens naturally.
* Make plans. Planning what to do together on days off just helps reinforce commitment from both sides, and we have ended up doing a lot more together than normal.
I could keep going, but this is super long now. I will point out the two times that I've seen people fall off the wagon the most.
The first two weeks suck and are really hard. But once you get past that, the 30-40 day point is a big hurdle. It's been long enough that maybe you can "test the waters" to see if you're still addicted. You are. So don't try it. I've seen quite a few guys stop journaling and disappear from the site in that window. The next big one is 75-90 days. This seems to get more guys than 30-40 because we get confident at that point, maybe stop being as vigilant, and get too complacent. So as you're approaching those time periods, be hyper aware. Mind everything you see, steel yourself because temptation will come. The enemy wants to break you. Beat him, and stick with God.
I hope this helps someone that is just getting started. I know I put some tough stuff out in the beginning, but it can be overcome with hard work and dedication. My journal is in the 30-39 area if you want to keep up with me there. Ask me anything. This site has helped me so much, I'm very excited to maybe help someone else save their marriage in some small way.
I'll end with this. This journey does not have an end. We will never be "done" rebooting. Addiction isn't cured, it's just treated. It can show it's ugly head again in no time if you give it the chance. I think on this very often. Don't get comfortable, and don't tempt fate. Not tempting yourself isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength and resilience that you understand your personal shortfalls, and can overcome them. Be thankful for the progress you've made, but know that it is fragile, and stay vigilant.
Good night y'all.
There's a couple things you need to realize up front. This won't be easy to read. Like I said, this is stuff that took me time to figure it out, I'm trying to help you figure it out sooner! I promise it won't all be bad news, just stick with me.
One, your partner's self esteem is likely in the dirt, and it's at least in part your fault. Two, while this is a legitimate addiction, that doesn't absolve you of all responsibility for the pain you've caused. Three, your recovery as a person and your recovery as a couple are directly linked, and while you can recover as a person without recovering the relationship, the opposite is *not* true. If porn is ruining your relationship, you can't ever go back. There is no more porn for you. Ever. I'm talking like right now, you must make a conscious decision to not allow your eyes to see it again. At. All. Period. This is something I didn't fully grasp until a month or so in. Don't be like me, accept now that your love affair with porn, because that's what it is, is over. Don't call her, don't text her, if you see her in the grocery store, run away.
If you go back to porn, it will crush whatever progress you've made in the relationship, unless you come forward about it. Sorry to open up with a downer, but you've got to come to grips with the gravity of what has been done. There's no take backs, ya know? So take a few minutes/hours/days and absorb that.
Now that that's outta the way. Let's review the positives, because there's some major ones!
A) If your partner is still around despite all the lying, and all the betrayal, he/she must really love you. Your mission now is to devote yourself to showing them that you are worth that sacrifice on their part.
B) If you're on this site, you've already taken a big step in the right direction to be done with porn.
C) If I can do it, you can do it. None of us on here are that different, we all started young, we've all done some shit we're not proud of, and we've all tried quitting before but always fell down the hole again.
The question then becomes, how do you prove to your partner that you're worth it? I'll tell you how I am doing it, and the benefits I've seen in my life.
I'm just gonna say this here and then not mention it again, but if you have the means, get yourselves in marriage counseling. There's a lot of stuff that we'd never really said to each other that came out during our sessions which really opened my eyes, and while some of it was incredibly frustrating to hear, I needed to hear it. She'll unload on you in there, but just expect it, and know that she's in pain. She has to vent, and counseling is the appropriate place to do it. That way everything stays controlled, no one totally blows up, and it's constructive.
Now, proving that you're worth the pain of staying is a three headed monster, and these are done simultaneously.
First, you're healing yourself. This starts with forgiving yourself. Regardless of whether or not she forgives you yet, you must forgive yourself. That's the foundation of your recovery. To me, I couldn't forgive myself until I truly came clean to my wife. Told her everything. Things I thought I would take my grave, I told her. I'd highly recommend you do the same. From there I asked God's forgiveness.
Second, you're healing her. She may have come to believe that she is inadequate as a mate sexually, and it is your job to show her otherwise. Her self esteem is in the dumps, she doesn't recognize you anymore. It's tough, and weird, but a few things I've read have pointed out that you have to be an agent of her healing. And my personal experience definitely backs that up.
Lastly, you're healing together. There's a rift between the two of you, you don't laugh like you used to, you don't touch like you used to, and you're probably not sure things can ever be that way again. In some ways yes, in some no. What's done is done. As my wife said, the "innocence" of the relationship is gone. You have violated her trust and your vows. But, the spark can be reignited in spite of that. You can fall in love all over again! Things can't ever be the same again, but if you're like me, you wouldn't want that anyway. "The same" = an endless loop of PMO, guilt, regret, try to quit, have no sex life, jerk it again, rinse repeat. So who in their right mind would want that? We now have a very active sex live, legitimately laugh together all the time, and enjoy each other's company. Every single thing about my marriage is better than it was.
For that matter, everything about my life is better. I'm less anxious, I'm less angry. I'm more confident, more patient with my son. I'm a much better father than I was before (according to my wife). Work is still work, but since I'm all around happier, it's better. My mind is clearer, I no longer obsess about it having been more than 24 hrs since I last ejaculated, I've got more free time, and I don't carry around a ton of guilt on my shoulders every day.
My wife is more confident, my son has had a lot of improvement in behavior and attitude now that the tension between my wife and I has dissolved. This porn thing had spread into every aspect of my life, and now that it's gone, everything is better.
I wish there were some magic sauce to tell you exactly what to do to quit for good. I highly doubt that it works that way, but I will tell you how I've changed my behavior, and how my wife and I have changed our routine. And hopefully if you're struggling, this will give you some ideas to apply in your life.
Individually:
* When I have an urge, I literally say "no" out loud, and move on. Do something else, anything else, quickly.
* I shower my wife with compliments and I love you's. I think I was pretty good at that stuff before, but everything I said before has no value because I was lying about so much, so I had to start all over.
* At the insistence of my wife, I got rid of ALL social media. All of it. Too many triggers, and even if not that, too much time wasted.
* I read articles on PA every day. Especially right now with so much press coming out thanks to Gabe spreading the word, this is easier now than when I started in March. Whether it's YBOP, or an entry in the Partners forum to gain insight into how my wife may be feeling. Emerald Blue, Gracie, Objectified, are among the women who I read regularly.
* Again, I can't stress the importance, tell her EVERYTHING. And then from that moment forward, be honest about your reboot. The lying at this point is the most painful thing for her. Not 10 minutes ago I told my wife about a slip up I had watching a TV show with her and glancing at a woman's chest on the show. I've told her about urges, times I catch myself checking women out in public, ads I see on websites with half naked women, etc. You get the point.
* Live your life as if she's right next to you every single second, and if you're thinking about doing something she wouldn't approve of, don't fuckin do it!
* This includes checking other women out in public, on tv, etc. I was a creep before, staring women down and what not, it's pretty embarrassing really. I still fight this every day, it's the hardest part now. I don't have to check out a woman's ass just because it's probably nice, and you don't either. It ain't yours, she ain't yours, so just let it go.
* Pray often, or meditate if that's your thing. I thank God regularly for the chance to redeem myself, for my family, my job, my house, my dog, this life. I spent so long praying for God to bring things into my life, now I realize that I've got all I need, so I simply give thanks.
* Journal on this site every day. This is important, it keeps me plugged in, and keeps me focused on the goal. There have been weeks where I still read posts, but didn't write any, and it's different. I have to journal every day. I miss one here and there, but it's the exception, not the rule.
* This wasn't my idea, but I think it helped my wife. Get an STD test. She needs to know that when she starts sleeping with you again, she is safe. She has no idea if what you say is true, and if you're not in her eyesight she has no way of knowing what you're really doing. She rightfully doesn't trust you. Don't be angry about that fact. Just accept it. Time to lay down in the bed you've made. So the STD test, while not a guarantee that you haven't slept around, at least gives you a little more credibility. Admittedly, I really didn't want to do this, it took me waaaaay too long. But it's done now.
* I do way more around the house to help. Dishes, floors, bathrooms, cooking, whatever can make her day a little easier or take something off her plate for tomorrow.
* I spend more time with my son. We've read books, played baseball, football, hockey, toys, tickle monster, nerf guns. I spent so much time cruising pornhub to find the next video, it feels good to give that time to my child instead.
* I really try to improve my active listening, and try to empathize with how she feels. There have been a few times where I just can't understand why she feels the way she does, but not many. This is important, and something you'll get practice doing if you go to counseling.
* I would also highly encourage you to just give up masturbation altogether. Especially if you've got a partner. Some disagree with me on this and say as long as there's no porn it's fine, but I would think your brain could wander, especially since we're so used to having a new video every time. Just say goodbye to jerking off.
Together:
* Once this all started, we didn't hardly watch tv at all for 3-4 months. We read books aloud together. We started with The Travelers Gift, then The 5 Love Languages, and we've been on a book called Not Just Friends for a while now. It's a really dense book, and it starts some difficult discussions, but it has been the most helpful overall. I wouldn't do it first though, the other two I mentioned are a little bit more "feel good" and give you some positive momentum before digging in to the real meat.
* On nights we didn't feel like reading, we'd just talk. There's a lot to talk about, and things won't improve all by themselves, so talk it out. It wasn't easy, it wasn't fun sometimes, but absolutely crucial.
* Give massages. Give lots of massages. There was a ton of tension in our lives, and that manifests itself physically, so help her out and give her a massage.
* I made her a playlist of songs that express how I feel about her, or that I associate with her. I work a lot, usually 55+ hrs a week, so this gives her something from my heart to have when I'm not here. She made one for me too. This playlist is something I would usually play while giving her a massage. I light candles, turn the lights out, and try to make it as romantic as possible. I still add songs to it, it's an evolving thing.
* Touch each other. We did this thing where we would get totally naked, sit in bed with at least some light, and just touch each other. I had spent so long looking at porn stars that it felt great to just appreciate my wife's beauty, and her knowing that I find her gorgeous now that the porn is gone is helpful too. Sometimes this would lead to other things, sometimes not. But it builds intimacy in the relationship either way.
* We didn't swear off sex. At first, I think my wife did it sometimes just to give her some confidence that I wouldn't jerk off if we were having sex all the time. And that probably did help me to not relapse at first. We did end up doing a week long sex fast at one point. The first time after that was over was insane, just amazing. There have been a few slow times since we've gotten past the point of always worrying about me having a relapse, and I think we're on a 2-3x per week right now. Compared to 2-3x per month before. It's amazing. We don't force it anymore, it happens naturally.
* Make plans. Planning what to do together on days off just helps reinforce commitment from both sides, and we have ended up doing a lot more together than normal.
I could keep going, but this is super long now. I will point out the two times that I've seen people fall off the wagon the most.
The first two weeks suck and are really hard. But once you get past that, the 30-40 day point is a big hurdle. It's been long enough that maybe you can "test the waters" to see if you're still addicted. You are. So don't try it. I've seen quite a few guys stop journaling and disappear from the site in that window. The next big one is 75-90 days. This seems to get more guys than 30-40 because we get confident at that point, maybe stop being as vigilant, and get too complacent. So as you're approaching those time periods, be hyper aware. Mind everything you see, steel yourself because temptation will come. The enemy wants to break you. Beat him, and stick with God.
I hope this helps someone that is just getting started. I know I put some tough stuff out in the beginning, but it can be overcome with hard work and dedication. My journal is in the 30-39 area if you want to keep up with me there. Ask me anything. This site has helped me so much, I'm very excited to maybe help someone else save their marriage in some small way.
I'll end with this. This journey does not have an end. We will never be "done" rebooting. Addiction isn't cured, it's just treated. It can show it's ugly head again in no time if you give it the chance. I think on this very often. Don't get comfortable, and don't tempt fate. Not tempting yourself isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength and resilience that you understand your personal shortfalls, and can overcome them. Be thankful for the progress you've made, but know that it is fragile, and stay vigilant.
Good night y'all.