AoMSentMe
Member
I joined RN at the beginning of 2015. I'd been looking at porn since about 1996, and had been struggling for a few years to give it up. I hoped that coming here and hearing from others who also struggled with porn would help, and it did! I admit I haven't been real involved with RN lately, and I hesitated to share my story. But I didn't want to fade away without saying something as I do feel RN was a big help. So here's a 5-minute version of my story.
I looked at porn (and PMO'd) for 20 years, starting when I was around 14 or 15. For years, I struggled with whether or not it was a problem, but my excuse was generally that the material I viewed was mostly soft-core, and it was my business, so whatever. It became more of a problem in my late twenties as I found my way back to my Christian faith and began struggling again with the fact that I couldn't reconcile this behavior with Christian faith.
I'd say the following have been the most beneficial to me giving up porn:
After this past Valentine's day had passed, I decided I was ready to start dating again. After struggling on one dating site, I decided to try another site which is focused on Christian dating. I had hesitated before, feeling that I wasn't a "good enough" Christian, and it'd been only a month since I had last looked at porn. And I think I was maybe a bit scared too, because this would mean I was really dedicating myself to being and acting like a Christian man, with a Christian woman, which means no more porn, and no more excuses. But this time I felt ready. And after a few failed starts, I found a woman who I really seemed to be hitting it off with.
We talked online and on the phone for a few weeks before finally meeting, and we very quickly started developing a deep relationship. She scared me a bit at first with how quickly she wanted to discuss very deep and serious topics, but I was feeling I could trust her. On our third date, while taking a walk in a park, we sat down for a bit to rest. And we discussed a few important topics, one of which was porn usage. She said it was okay if I didn't want to talk about it, but I opened up and told her exactly what I'd been through, and how I had worked to give it up. My darkest secret, and I shared it with her on the third date! And I think since then it's been much easier for me to avoid porn, and not think about it. I can't say I haven't been tempted, but it's been only once or twice, and it wasn't that strong.
So that's basically it, I went from thinking the world was hell and nothing would ever get better 18 months ago, to having a wonderful girlfriend now. It's challenging, getting to know her, taking her feelings, hopes, dreams, etc. into account and working those into my life as well. But it's a good challenge, it's so much more meaningful and satisfying than looking at porn. I'm looking forward to continue to get to know her, staying away from porn, growing in my relationship to God, and making my future brighter without the blight of pornography clouding it anymore. I'm sure I may be tempted to return to it in the future, but I feel I'm in a stronger position than ever to fight back.
Thank you fellow RN members for your help, especially those who responded to my journal. I really appreciate it! I wish you all luck as you work to overcome porn or keep working to stay away from it.
I looked at porn (and PMO'd) for 20 years, starting when I was around 14 or 15. For years, I struggled with whether or not it was a problem, but my excuse was generally that the material I viewed was mostly soft-core, and it was my business, so whatever. It became more of a problem in my late twenties as I found my way back to my Christian faith and began struggling again with the fact that I couldn't reconcile this behavior with Christian faith.
I'd say the following have been the most beneficial to me giving up porn:
- Understanding the science behind porn. Knowing how dopamine affects me, and how giving up porn would require a reboot. This forum and several books helped me better understand this.
- Telling a friend. I finally told a close male friend about my struggle last year, and it was a big help having someone else know and keep me accountable.
- Giving up my "pseudo-girlfriend". There was a girl I often dated (strictly platonic) whom I loved dearly but she did want a romantic relationship with me. My relationship with her was more damaging than I could have ever realized when I was seeing her, as it held me back from seeking out "real" romantic opportunities with other women. She started seeing someone else just a few days after I joined RN (they're married now), and while it was really hard at the time, I know now it was probably the best thing that could have happened. Porn was a crutch and so was my strange relationship with her, and giving up both was best.
- My faith in God. I know this forum is fairly secular, but for me, this was big, and it drove me to take some of the actions I did, and I feel it's no coincidence that I lost the pseudo-girlfriend at the same time I decided I was going to give up porn. God knew it was time for me to move on from both. It wasn't easy having faith that thing would work out, and those first few months were horribly depressing, but I think I've come out better on the other side and I thank God for that.
- My friends. Giving up porn and losing the girl was a huge sucker punch, and having friends to talk to and hang out with was crucial. I really learned who some of my friends really are during that dark time.
After this past Valentine's day had passed, I decided I was ready to start dating again. After struggling on one dating site, I decided to try another site which is focused on Christian dating. I had hesitated before, feeling that I wasn't a "good enough" Christian, and it'd been only a month since I had last looked at porn. And I think I was maybe a bit scared too, because this would mean I was really dedicating myself to being and acting like a Christian man, with a Christian woman, which means no more porn, and no more excuses. But this time I felt ready. And after a few failed starts, I found a woman who I really seemed to be hitting it off with.
We talked online and on the phone for a few weeks before finally meeting, and we very quickly started developing a deep relationship. She scared me a bit at first with how quickly she wanted to discuss very deep and serious topics, but I was feeling I could trust her. On our third date, while taking a walk in a park, we sat down for a bit to rest. And we discussed a few important topics, one of which was porn usage. She said it was okay if I didn't want to talk about it, but I opened up and told her exactly what I'd been through, and how I had worked to give it up. My darkest secret, and I shared it with her on the third date! And I think since then it's been much easier for me to avoid porn, and not think about it. I can't say I haven't been tempted, but it's been only once or twice, and it wasn't that strong.
So that's basically it, I went from thinking the world was hell and nothing would ever get better 18 months ago, to having a wonderful girlfriend now. It's challenging, getting to know her, taking her feelings, hopes, dreams, etc. into account and working those into my life as well. But it's a good challenge, it's so much more meaningful and satisfying than looking at porn. I'm looking forward to continue to get to know her, staying away from porn, growing in my relationship to God, and making my future brighter without the blight of pornography clouding it anymore. I'm sure I may be tempted to return to it in the future, but I feel I'm in a stronger position than ever to fight back.
Thank you fellow RN members for your help, especially those who responded to my journal. I really appreciate it! I wish you all luck as you work to overcome porn or keep working to stay away from it.