Whammy raised to the power whammy - The beginning of the Journey

akpal2

Well-Known Member
I recently came across yourbrainonporn and boy I think I may have hit the nail on the head in terms of diagnosing my problem. However its early in the journey but I am hopeful. I am starting this journal here because I am having severe attacks of anxiety. I am not very hard at the moment but I just want to look at some porn or nude images or anything in order to edge/JO or just reduce the anxiety a little bit. Today is 17th November and I haven't jacked off to porn since 4th October. The reason I feel I need to be here is that I saw my erections getting better and getting morning wood and all that jazz back and then again it started going downhill since I was cheating. Cheating in the sense that I began looking at pictures of naked guys/girls about 2 weeks ago and then doing sexting and horny phone calls. I had thought this might not hurt that much but boy is it hurting my progress.

So from yesterday morning I have started completely being off fantasizing, off ANY images of men/women that exude sexuality, off any porn, am even going to avoid looking around on the streets. I think this will definitely help.

A little bit of background to the title

I am actually in a relationship with this wonderful amazing woman that I really truly love but our sex lives suck. That is primarily because of my inability to maintain erections when I am with her. I notice that when I watch porn I get so hard but when I am with her it just doesn't get anywhere near as hard as it should or when it does when I am watching porn.

I have been a porn user for a long time. I was born in mid to early 80s. Starting at the age of 14 when I would get cds from the market in India (where I come from) and then look to get off. However the real game started when high speed internet came in and access to video porn just exploded from 2007 onwards.

To make matters worse I used to always Jack off in the prone position for as long as I can remember.  So I have been a victim of TMS (i.e. traumatic masturbation syndrome) as well which I found out about 2 years ago. Even though I quit the masturbation in the prone position about a year ago but I couldn't quit edging in the prone position. Hence the name of the thread (whammy raised to the power whammy as opposed to a double whammy), assuming of course that the value of whammy is greater than 2 :p

Anyhow the reason I came here is that having quit porn and jacking off and fantasizing in the prone position for a month, I could see the difference. I even feel that my penis has become slightly thicker in the last one month. However what got me really depressed is that fact that my gains just leveled off since I started looking at the pictures. And guys, trust me when a I say that it is so easy to fall back into fantasy or porn so its just better off not to look at ANYTHING that you might have a chance to associate with sexually. Even if you are just going through people's profiles on facebook, if it starts moving you towards even remotely sexual then its off the table. I am talking about facebook here, let alone sites like youtube.

I recently read on here about a guy who took almost 20 months to get cured because he was peeking. And I completely agree with him that it will set you back.

Perhaps I am a little incoherent here (that is because of a lack of time). Its great to write here because I have been able to kill time productively without having to resort to watching any nude images. My girl is going away for a month so it gives me a good time to recover hopefully and not fall into the trap again.

Any questions and clarifications are welcome. I look forward to sharing my progress with you guys.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Yesterday was freaking tough but i got through keeping busy

Woke up with a very strong morning wood. Taking this as a good sign

Edit: This is just the 2nd)3rd?) day without ZERO images, fantasy or any other erotica.

And boy, its tough. I feel anxious all the time
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
4th day of absolutely no peeking whatsoever, no fantasy no nothing.

In terms of quality the hardness of morning wood seems to be getting better, and getting much better hardons.

Bears reminding that I have not looked at porn and jacked off since October 4th. So on that front its close 45 days and counting, but the peeking hadn't really stopped completely. So essentially its the 4th day today where I am not peeking. The girl that I really like is going away for a month so that should help (in case people are wondering we don't have sex too often, thanks to my insecurities, which is why I want to get this done).

Keeping busy really helps. The busier I am the less my mind wanders. Although anxiety attacks do come by quite severely.

This is not easy but coming here and writing about it helps me keep the goal in mind.

Thank God for having this helpful community around.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
ugh, **** **** ****

peeked today, had a damned peek at nude pics. There was no need......waahhhhhhh

feel so annoyed with myself, so so annoyted
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
thanks for the words of encouragement pinkerton,

after a long time finally had sex with the girl that I really like.

And definitely this was by FAR the best sex I have ever had despite that fact that I know that I haven't recovered fully. Makes me more determined to get through with this thing. I do get the feeling that it will get better from here. The missus is leaving for about a month during which time I can get myself off of this damned PMO curse hopefully.

Come on guys, let's fight this damned addiction.

Looking forward to making more progress.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
24th November, a black day :(

A day i'd rather forget. I saw a little bit of porn then shut off the computer. Then went off and Masturbated to some fantasy because I couldn't do anything else. Wasn't able to concentrate. Fuck. One and a half months of effort down the drain :(

Oh well, the clock starts over again.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
so, 25th November went by really bad as well

I finally managed to put the breaks on 26th and so now its the third day of my sobriety. I hope I can continue to keep this going for longer this time.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Oh God, the last one+ month from 7th December until January 18th was terrible. I relapsed. I noticed my hardon became quite bad too. My missus returns next week and her being away has actually made the problem worse. I couldn't control the PMO. It was awful and now that she is coming back it has given me some motivation to stop. I have restarted the gym and am trying really hard to stay away from PMO. The coming days are going to be really awful because they will be full of stress. And for my mind stress is a cue to look for porn. I was feeling really happy when I had left PMO for about 2 months and then it all came crashing down. People had said it was hard but I had no idea it would be THIS hard.

I'll be nice to myself mentally and count the 18th as the day that I quit PMO (although I did it that day but I want to feel good). So the 4th day is down and I hope to continue this right until the end of next week when my missus shows up. I am hoping that my penis is up to task when she gets back. I also regret the last 1 month which I wasted away when she was away. Should have completely let go of this shit but living alone just made matters worse.

Anyhow guys, I am back because I want to do away with this shit and any other 2 dimensional sex shit in my life. I know I won't recover in 2 weeks until my missus is back but still I know for sure (from experience after I left this shit initially) that it gets better.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Today is day number 5 and my work is starting to pile up and I am beginning to feel anxious. These are danger signals. I can feel my mind craving sexual imagery. I need to tell my brain that I don't need any 2 dimensional stimulation anymore. I want the real deal. My missus comes back in about 8 days so then I can make out with her.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
ok, this is not good. I got into a conversation that turned to sex, and my mind went into overdrive, fantasizing. Fuck me. Fantasy is off limits too but this got there. God, this is hard. I need to be careful
 

BestVersionOfMySelf

Active Member
Hi Brother,


I feel your struggle, maybe differently though beause i currently don't have a girlfriend (and don't intend to before some time). You need to understand that the more hardmode you are into this, the quicker you'll heal.

I can also see that you have this pressure about pleasing your girlfriend which is totally understandable, but i feel that this pressure is too hard for you to cope with, and two week with no PMO have little chances to make you feel....healed. You need to work harder on your addiction, and the best way is to get better at other things, learn new skills, go the gym as much as you can, read books DAILY, keep yourself occupied PRODUCTIVELY, not occupied just for the sake of being occupied.

Work on being a better man, i can suggest a few books that can help high up your confidence and help getting you focused more on. Also, keep reading this forum, its material as much as YBOP, DAILY. AT least for a while, it is essential to help you stay focused.

I'm on my 13th day now, i'm still struggling from time to time, but i'm hanging there harder, because my focus on healing is bigger than ever, bigger than i ever had since one year, where i started reading NO PMO material.

Keep working hard, read, and write as much as you can. Much love, best of strength.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
BestVersionOfMySelf said:
Hi Brother,


I feel your struggle, maybe differently though beause i currently don't have a girlfriend (and don't intend to before some time). You need to understand that the more hardmode you are into this, the quicker you'll heal.

I can also see that you have this pressure about pleasing your girlfriend which is totally understandable, but i feel that this pressure is too hard for you to cope with, and two week with no PMO have little chances to make you feel....healed. You need to work harder on your addiction, and the best way is to get better at other things, learn new skills, go the gym as much as you can, read books DAILY, keep yourself occupied PRODUCTIVELY, not occupied just for the sake of being occupied.

Work on being a better man, i can suggest a few books that can help high up your confidence and help getting you focused more on. Also, keep reading this forum, its material as much as YBOP, DAILY. AT least for a while, it is essential to help you stay focused.

I'm on my 13th day now, i'm still struggling from time to time, but i'm hanging there harder, because my focus on healing is bigger than ever, bigger than i ever had since one year, where i started reading NO PMO material.

Keep working hard, read, and write as much as you can. Much love, best of strength.

Thanks BVM,

I appreciate the good advice. I know 2 weeks is nowhere near enough but telling my girl about my "secret" will be catastrophic. While once before when I left the PMO stuff I was able to get better at sex so I am hoping to do the same. I think periodic sex might also help me to "re-wire", I might be wrong but I can't go around having no sex at all without losing my girl. As of now sex is bad but it is getting better. Also as William mentioned in one of the other threads that I know that the dopamine high from real sex will probably never be as high as I got from porn but at least things are moving in the right direction.

I am going to the gym again now, tomorrow morning is my session. I am also doing a lot of reading on here and separately to avoid relapse. Once I can get past the first two weeks I know staying away from PMO will be much easier. But right now getting past those 2 weeks feels like a struggle.
 

DavePaular

Active Member
Hi there,

I have been reading your posts. A few thoughts here, if that can help "restart" your recovery phase.

It seems that you had a rather good phase of no PMO. After a few weeks though, you had a weak point and some cues let you giving in. I was then surprised that you were feeling like you had to "start everything again" from the bottom. I understand why you say that, but as I have seen it in this forum and also for other addiction recovery, it is not linear. And what I mean here is that, it is not because you have a weak moment, you should forget all the good things you have done before. Actually, all your experience serves your future steps and progress for what you really want to achieve. So, even though you restart the clock to zero, which sucks I know, your actual progress remains larger than the number of days without PMO. I am sure it helps to find the good steps and motivation and vision.

Another thought, you apparently have a gf and you seem to like her well. Just a question: aren't you putting too much stress on yourself about the quality of your sex? What I mean is that thinking too much on satisfying your gf might just leave you with more thoughts and pressure. How about other things in your relation that are not sex related?

In any case, keep up! You have done a great job before so there is no reason you can't do it again, and even better!
Cheers
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Thanks Dave,

I do feel better after your comments. You are probably right. I hadn't thought that it wasn't probably a linear process and I was thinking that maybe I had lost all the gains. Which I probably haven't. My morning wood is getting pretty decent in the last 2 days and in another week's time I should be back to a 90% morning wood at this rate. So maybe all the progress isn't lost.

Regarding the other aspects of my relationship, they are going very well. My girl really likes me and really appreciates the fact that I care for her. Although the problem becomes that she thinks that I don't find her attractive because of the quality of sex life. I can't tell her the actual reason because if I did I know it will devastate her. When I last left this PMO crap our sex life had gotten better so that gives me confidence but I do agree with you that by thinking so much of this aspect I may be giving myself performance anxiety.

My performance anxiety has gone down a LOT now that I know that after leaving PMO I can have decent quality sex but some elements are still there. However I am sure they will be gone too. I am confident and the more confident I get the better the sex.

So thanks for the good advice mate, we will defeat this monster together
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.250

This thread that I have posted here has LOTS of great posts from a star poster on here known as William. It is a great guide if you want to quit. I haven't gone through the complete thread but the posts are extremely insightful and I suggest everyone go through it at least once if not more times.

As William reminds us all the time that it is not about porn, it is about a dopamine high. Porn is just one thing that gives us a VERY high dopamine release. The trap is that for all of us recovering we think that only P gives us a dopamine high while peeking here and there, fantasy, edging, checking girls out and playing porn with them in our minds, they all gives us a dopamine high. In order to escape from this we need to avoid all sorts of (as he says) artificial sexual stimulation. That is pictures, fantasy, thoughts, old porn movies in our mind, erotica, youtube, porn substitutes, basically anything that gives us a dopamine high but does not involve a REAL heart pounding, living, human being is artificial sexual stimulation. And we gotta avoid it like the plague.

Is it easy. HELL to the fucking NO. It's hard as shit. Difficult as fuck. The hypersexualized society of today doesn't help. The super sexy news reporters with that slight bit of cleavage showing certainly don't help. But the battle has to be won because we need to take back our lives.

Thank you William. Your posts have been extremely insightful.

The fight is with the dopamine high guys, it is not just porn.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Another thing that I forgot to mention is the mindset. Right now I am fighting with myself telling myself that I will no longer ever get the dopamine highs that I got with porn. So as William mentioned in one of his posts, I will probably miss it in some ways. Maybe missing is not the right word but there is a feeling in the back of the mind that I know that I want to get rid of this problem but at the same time a difficulty in accepting that I will never get those kinds of highs. Of course I am willing to do away with those highs to get my life back but it is so hard to accept that porn has taken away so much from me. So much lost time, so many lost relationships, and now I will have to make the lower dopamine the new normal for me.

But guess what, I want to do all of this every fucking day so I could get my real life back. Fuck this 2 dimensional life that only exists on the computer screen or in my mind. I want a real 3D life.
 

DavePaular

Active Member
Hey buddy,

Your post is quite nice you know. I kind of feel that you dear a good sexual life and you have some appetite for that. Maybe that's why you care about that part of your relationship with your gf.
Well, I'd like to share with you my experience. I have never had a better feeling in my life than when I was in love with someone else. And it was just directly transposed in our sexual life together. What I mean by that is that the rush and highs we get with porn is completely empty of feelings, it is pure high and no colours from feelings. The things that comes from your heart. You see, I know I miss this dimension of sharing and feeling with someone else, and PMO is nothing compared to this. So I would say, by removing P completely from our life, we actually open the door to much more than a blanck high (of dopamine if we must). It is pure joy :)

Great posts man, thanks! As it reminds me of what I lived the best in my life and I can look for having back now, and I wish for everyone!
 
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