The Pursuit of Innocence

Hello everyone,

I'm 31 years old from Canada, I've been a porn addict for nearly 20 years. I have lost way too much because of porn, it pains me to think about what I could've achieved had I not opened the "Pandora's box" However, I realized that there's nobody to blame but myself, in order to reclaim lost territory and shape a better future, I have to be 100% responsible for my actions.

I have attempted to reboot several times before, but never lasted more than 2 months, this time I'm opening myself to the public by posting my accountability journal for transparency, hopefully this could bring good results.

In my accountability journal, there will be a couple of non-negotiable tasks that I have to fulfill by the end of the day

1) Personal journal (reinstating my purpose)
2) Minimum 30 mins of exercise
3) Practice box breathing, starting with 1 min a day
4) Go to bed and wake up early

These are the bare minimum tasks for now, I want to start off slowly, build momentum then work my way up.
If any of those tasks are not achieved, I will have to explain myself and come up with a solution to prevent it from happening again.

We're all in this together, time is no longer on our side. I believe we all have this fire inside of us, the best time to reignite it is now.
 

Maglue

Active Member
Dude I'm 36 and a month in...
Yourve got a lot more time than me and time is of the essence...
Do this man...
No more excuses
 
Day 1

Have you completed all the daily non-negotiable tasks ?

So far so good, all the daily tasks were completed, but then again, I've experienced countless Day 1s, I've never had issues in the beginning, my weakness is consistency.

What I did well today ?

I kept myself busy as much as I could, I also set up an adult website filter to prevent myself from watching porn. I have done so in the past, it's not 100% bullet proof, but make watching porn as inconvenient as possible is thousand times better than not having a filter.

What I did poorly today ?

None, but it's still too early in the journey, the real challenge will come later

What my focus will be for tomorrow?

Go for a morning walk and journal before work. Increase box breathing frequency to twice a day.



 
Maglue said:
Dude I'm 36 and a month in...
Yourve got a lot more time than me and time is of the essence...
Do this man...
No more excuses

Good job on your streak !
Looking back at my journal, my most recent streak was 21 days, before going into self destructive mode for 10 FUCKING MONTHS
Enough is enough, if we don't do something NOW then we're just dead men walking
 
Day 2

Had a really shitty day at work, nothing seemed to go my way. I was very irritated by things that were outside of my control and also by how poorly I handled things that were within my control. I did get the urge several times today, there were two instances where I unconsciously tried to touch down there as a way to cope with stress/irritation, fortunately I was quick to realize what I was trying to do and snapped out of it.

Have I completed all the daily non-negotiable tasks ?

Yes, I went to bed early last night, woke up at 5:45 this morning, went for a walk, wrote a personal journal entry and did two rounds of box breathing throughout the day, increasing the time to 2 and a half mins each round.

What I did well today ?

I was able to recognize that I wanted to PMO to cope with stress and quickly snapped out of it, forced myself to leave the desk to get some water.

What I did poorly today ?

I was easily irritated by things that did not go my way and I let negative emotions affect my performance at work

What my focus will be for tomorrow?

Emphasis WHY I started this journey and where do I see myself 3 months from now in my journal entry
Set my alarm clock to 5:44


 
Day 3

Went for a morning walk and listened to a video about no PMO, however everytime a sensitive word was mentioned, a lewd image of it immediately popped into my head, had to turn off the video and listened to music instead. This made me realize how bad porn has impacted me.
Overall, I felt better today, I had an easier time controlling my emotions compared to yesterday. The urges did creep in from time to time but I was able to quickly shut them off.

Have I completed all the daily non-negotiable tasks ?

Yes, I went to bed and woke up early, went for a walk, completed my daily personal journal entry and did two rounds of box breathing, however the second round didn't go too well, I had a lot of thoughts going on in my head and wasn't able to focus.

What I did well today ?

Managed to control my emotions for the most part and did not respond to negative emotions while at work

What I did poorly today ?

I think I did pretty well today overall

What my focus will be for tomorrow?

Continue to stay sharp, when the urges creep in, acknowledge it, and consciously choose to ignore it.
Describe vividly one thing I've always wanted to do when I get my shit back together, put it in my personal journal, burn that image/event in my head.
 
Day 4

Extremely boring day at work, urges crept in during boredom couple of times, telling me to "see if any new vids are out, just a glance it's fine" I was able to realize what was happening and walked away from my desk to take a break.

Have I completed all the daily non-negotiable tasks ?

Yes, I went to bed early but wasn't able to wake up on time, went for a walk, completed my daily personal journal entry and did two rounds of box breathing. I put on some light music with slow tempo and meditated to that, worked surprisingly well.

What I did well today ?

Able to realize when the urges creep in during times of vulnerability (when I'm bored) and ignore them by moving away from computer

What I did poorly today ?

I think I did pretty well today overall

What my focus will be for tomorrow?

Remain focused at work, don't let boredom or negative emotions affect my performance
Don't sleep in, force myself to wake up as soon as my alarm goes off
Take a good look at a photo of my younger self, when my eyes radiated of innocence and use that motivation/reminder.
 
Day 5

Had a stressful day at work, and of course the first thing I thought about using to de-stress was to watch porn, fortunately I was able to recognize the urge and ignored it. HOWEVER, had a little slip up, was on twitter and caught a glimpse of a lewd video, turned it off right away though.

Have I completed all the daily non-negotiable tasks ?

Yes, I went to bed and woke up early, went for a walk, completed my daily personal journal entry and did two rounds of box breathing. I am able to meditate for 3+ minutes per round consistently now.

What I did well today ?

Able to recognize when urges creep in and did not react to it

What I did poorly today ?

Was on twitter way too much, I better diminish my time on twitter, that stuff is both addicting and also infuriating, nothing but negativity

What my focus will be for tomorrow ?

DO NOT go on twitter
Wake up on time no matter how much I want to sleep in, the pain is only temporary

 
Day 6

I've been making progress with meditation, this morning as I was near the end of my session I felt like I entered another "state", I don't really know how to describe it but I enjoyed it, then my alarm went off and threw me out of the "state".

Have I completed all the daily non-negotiable tasks ?

Yes, I went to bed and woke up early, went for a walk, completed my daily personal journal entry and did two rounds of box breathing.

What I did well today ?

Did not use twitter except for work related stuff

What I did poorly today ?

Did not perform well at work, was out of sync, probably because it's a Friday

What my focus will be for tomorrow ?

Now that PMO is not an option, I'll use the extra time to start reading again. I have a list of books I want to read but never got around to it mostly because PMO took most of my energy and drive away, now I have no more excuses.
Weekend is not an excuse for sleeping in, I will wake up as soon as my morning alarm goes off.
 
Day 7

It's officially been 1 week, here are the positive changes I've noticed so far

-Increased energy. I used to get lethargic starting lunch hour and most of the time need to take a nap after work, not anymore, I've been feeling way more energized.
-Desire to get stuff done. With the increased free time thanks to no PMO, I'm constantly planning my day in order to become more productive, this also keeps me busy so I'm
less likely to think about PMO.
-More patient. I would have to attribute this to meditation, I used to think meditation is hipster foo foo but after reaping benefits from it I can see myself doing so for a long
  long time.

I also started reading books again, and I'll make reading at least 10 pages a day another one of my daily non-negotiable tasks. 10 pages a day might not seem like much, but that's 3650 pages or about 10 books a year, and it's easily achievable! I don't even recall when was the last time I read 10 books or more in a year.

Have I completed all the daily non-negotiable tasks ?

Yes, I went to bed and woke up early(ish), went for a walk, completed my daily personal journal entry, did two rounds of box breathing and read 12 pages of "The Power of Habit"

What I did well today ?

Forced myself to read like I said I would

What I did poorly today ?

None

What my focus will be for tomorrow ?

Read success stories of those who conquered the no PMO challenge
Clean my house, starting with my room
 
Day 8

Just another ordinary day, didn't get the urges all that much, probably because I've been abusing my body for too long and I'm in repair mode ATM.
It's only been a week, but I feel my scalp is less oily now.

Have I completed all the daily non-negotiable tasks ?

Yes, I went to bed and woke up early, went for a walk, completed my daily personal journal entry, did two rounds of box breathing and read 10 pages of book.

What I did well today ?

Stayed busy throughout the day, cleaned part of my house, something I said I would do numerous times but never did.

What I did poorly today ?

I said I would read success stories today but totally forgot, well be doing that tomorrow for sure.

What my focus will be for tomorrow ?

Staying sharp at work, no social media
Get up as soon as my morning alarm goes off, no matter how tired I felt at that moment. I've been doing a rather poor job at this, next week's goal will be to tackle this problem, my solution is to get up, turn on the light, then turn the alarm off and go about my morning routine.
 
Day 9

Another ordinary day. Did fantasize about women today, quickly snapped out of it before it turns into something nasty.
I'm really starting to enjoy meditating, it's sort of like a reset button, when I'm done with meditating I feel very refreshed.
Starting tomorrow, I'll be setting my alarm 1 minute earlier every 5 days, until it reaches 5:15, it's at 5:43 right now.

Have I completed all the daily non-negotiable tasks ?

Yes, I went to bed and woke up early, went for a walk, completed my daily personal journal entry, did two rounds of box breathing and read at least 10 pages of book.

What I did well today ?

Maintained focus during work, did not use social media, recognized when urges crept in and ignored them.

What I did poorly today ?

None

What my focus will be for tomorrow ?

Start to allot more time from gaming / entertainment to reading, be it books or articles about the benefits of no PMO.

 
Day 10

The urges are getting stronger, there were multiple occasions today when I wanted to watch porn, my brain was playing tricks with me saying "just a little peek won't hurt", but I know by now what a "little peek" can lead to...

Have I completed all the daily non-negotiable tasks ?

Yes, I went to bed and woke up early, went for a walk, completed my daily personal journal entry, did two rounds of box breathing and read at least 10 pages of book.

What I did well today ?

Managed stress well, did not use twitter, don't really miss it TBH

What I did poorly today ?

Watched way too many youtube videos

What my focus will be for tomorrow ?

Same old stuff, just keep doing the tasks I have set for myself and slowly replace my bad habits with good ones.
 
Day 11

Basically on auto-pilot mode now, the motivation is slowly fading away (can't rely on motivation to achieve long term success anyway), but good habits are slowly but surely forming, I just do my daily non-negotiable tasks now without thinking.

Have I completed all the daily non-negotiable tasks ?

Yes, I went to bed and woke up early, went for a walk, completed my daily personal journal entry, did two rounds of box breathing and read at least 10 pages of book.

What I did well today ?

Fought off urges, not allowing nasty images to develop in my head

What I did poorly today ?

None

What my focus will be for tomorrow ?

Manage my time better in the morning, I waste too much time browsing the internet/watching youtube videos
I will limit my time from waking up, making coffee to putting on my shoes for a walk to 30 mins
 
Day 12

This is March 18's journal entry, I forgot about it until I was already in bed, and I didn't feel like getting out of bed so I'm doing it now.
Had a stressful and frustrating day at work, nothing seemed to go my way, needless to say the temptation to de-stress by PMO was super strong. Coincidentally I was just reading about the chaser effect earlier in the day, and I knew if I looked at even 1 image or small clip of porn, my inner porn demon is gonna completely take over, and before I know it 1 video is gonna turn into 50 and I would've ejaculated at least twice by then... not to mention I would have to share this shameful event here.
I'm glad I was able to fight to urge and not PMO, and I think I did it by breaking the habit loop, whenever the urge creeps in I either do something else like getting up and drink  water or think about how shitty I am gonna feel after PMO, replacing the reward from "feeling good by jacking it to all these babes" to "feeling like a complete failure who's never gonna amount to anything".

Have I completed all the daily non-negotiable tasks ?

Yes, I went to bed and woke up early, went for a walk, completed my daily personal journal entry, did two rounds of box breathing and read at least 10 pages of book.

What I did well today ?

Fought off urges, not allowing pornographic images to develop in my head

What I did poorly today ?

Let stress affect my performance at work, big time

What my focus will be for tomorrow ?

Manage my emotions better by acknowledging that shitty things ARE going to happen and there's no escape, but I don't have to react to those negative feelings
Increase meditation time by 30 secs, currently at 6 minutes per round
 
Day 13

Honestly don't have much to write about, just another ordinary day, except I wasn't able to complete all of my daily non-negotiable tasks...
It was 100% my fault, I will not let it happen again.

Have I completed all the daily non-negotiable tasks ?

No, I wasn't able to wake up early and go for a walk because I stayed up late watching videos on YouTube, what was supposed to be sleep inducing white noise turned into a crime documentary marathon, completely unacceptable. From now on I will not take a nap after work no matter how tired I feel, because it severely impacts my quality of sleep at night, and if I don't sleep well I can't wake up early, and if I can't wake up early and get my exercise in I feel like the whole day is ruined and I've just lost another 24 hours, maybe it sounds a little bit harsh but as I age, time becomes that much more precious, I just can't afford to waste it...

What I did well today ?

Fought off urges, not allowing pornographic images to develop in my head

What I did poorly today ?

Did not wake up on time, did not exercise

What my focus will be for tomorrow ?

Weekend means more free time, and it used to translate to binge watching porn, but it's not gonna happen anymore
I'll use the extra free time to clean my house and read, also watch at least 1 webinar on work related stuff.
 
Day 14

Sunny day in Ontario, Canada, I took full advantage of it by going for a walk in the morning while listening to an audio book, couldn't have started the day any better.
In order to keep myself busy and not think about PMO, I laid out a bunch of things I need to accomplish by the end of the day on top of the daily non-negotiable tasks, and I successfully accomplished every single one of them. The feeling of accomplishment is really satisfying, and I found out that I am a lot more productive when I plan my day ahead, which TBH is something I said I would do a long time ago but never did.

Have I completed all the daily non-negotiable tasks ?

Yes, I went to bed and woke up early, went for a walk, completed my daily personal journal entry, did two rounds of box breathing and read at least 10 pages of book.

What I did well today ?

Kept myself busy throughout the day, very minimal urge to PMO

What I did poorly today ?

Didn't get out of bed as soon as my alarm went off

What my focus will be for tomorrow ?

Plan my day in the morning, be as productive as possible while not doing too much to avoid burn out.
I'm not gonna watch UFC tonight, so I have no excuse not to sleep early, and I definitely don't have an excuse to not wake up as soon as my alarm goes off tomorrow.
 
Day 15

Wasn't as productive as yesterday, ran some errands this morning, took a very short nap in the afternoon and played some video games at night, wanted to take it easy on a Sunday. Had very minimal urges throughout the day, even when they do creep up I was able to divert my attention away pretty quickly. Still, only 2 weeks in, last time I attempted to quit PMO I relapsed at around the 3 week mark and was consumed by porn for 10 months, so the real challenge has yet to come.

Have I completed all the daily non-negotiable tasks ?

Yes, I went to bed and woke up early, went for a walk, completed my daily personal journal entry, did two rounds of box breathing and read at least 10 pages of book.

What I did well today ?

Not allowing pornographic images to develop in my head

What I did poorly today ?

Could've been a bit more productive today, overall I did okay

What my focus will be for tomorrow ?

Monitor my emotions, especially when feeling frustrated, stressed, don't react to those emotions in a negative way.
 
Day 16

I've noticed small improvement in how I handle my emotions, could be the result of meditation, which has become something I actually look forward to everyday now.
When it comes to reading, I can't say it's something I enjoy, but it's something I force myself to do, because I know it's beneficial to my self improvement, hopefully in a few weeks time I can turn it into a habit and start loving it.

Have I completed all the daily non-negotiable tasks ?

Yes, I went to bed and woke up early, went for a walk, completed my daily personal journal entry, did two rounds of box breathing and read at least 10 pages of book.

What I did well today ?

Not allowing pornographic images to develop in my head

What I did poorly today ?

I did alright

What my focus will be for tomorrow ?

It's getting warm, and my body is definitely not beach ready, I will start to consciously eat a bit less every meal.
I will also read at least 11 pages of book everyday starting tomorrow.
 
Day 17

This is March 23's entry, I was tired last night and went to bed earlier than usual.
The positive effects are more noticeable, especially my energy level in the morning, I feel fully rested upon waking up, unlike before I was still feeling lethargic after waking up. Now that I think about it, it's probably because of the weather ? It's been getting warmer here in Ontario. Either way, I have more energy in the morning and that's what counts.

Have I completed all the daily non-negotiable tasks ?

Yes, I went to bed and woke up early, went for a walk, completed my daily personal journal entry, did two rounds of box breathing and read at least 10 pages of book.

What I did well today ?

Kept urges in check, extremely focused at work


What I did poorly today ?

I did alright

What my focus will be for tomorrow ?

Same old, trust the process, do what's needed to do without question
 
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