Time to get back my life

CB

Active Member
Hello!

I?m here again, will make a journal about as many days a week that I can. I?ve been going down the spiral of sexchatting with anonymous people and porn again.
Me and my gf want to have children now and I guess my performance anxiety is going through the roof, much easier avoid real sex and blow off steam with porn and sexchatting.

Intimacy issies just get worse with everytime I masturbate and I don?t have any list for real sex.. Want to stay off from it now for a while.

I need to take one day at a time now again.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
welcome CB, good luck with your journey. I am having serious trouble with sexting as well and which is why i am here trying to recover. I have recovered from this once earlier so it can be done.

I wish you luck. Keep posting your progress here.
 

CB

Active Member
Thanks Akpal2!

Today didn?t go too well, pmo 2 times.
I?ll not let in to the urges tomorrow. It?s always more difficult when I?ve been doing it for many days on end. But tomorrow I will do all I can. I need to adress the triggers.. It just takes a picture of a girl and my mind goes off.. ?one last time when I get home?

I spend much time in my head going back and forth with these thoughts about pmo or sexting. I know when I was free from pmo or sexting for almost a year I wasn?t at all as occupied with the thoughts. They will go, but the hardest part is just not letting myself lose to the urge right now.

Back tomorrow for status
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Hi CB,

I can relate completely. Unfortunately i have had the problem of fantasizing in my mind a lot as well, which has led to trouble. It is difficult to get out because the constant stream of dopamine is incredible. We have to starve the brain of dopamine, it is not easy but that is what we have to do.
 

CB

Active Member
Yes totally with you, the scary part is the withdrawals. But it is managable, last time I fougjt through it. This time is no excuse.. Thoughts are hitting me with pictures in my mind of things I?ve seen.
Today when I come home I will NOT venture off on sites where I get stuck in the trap of pmo.
 

CB

Active Member
Been stopping myself two times right now, as I went on to look at some sites. I?m not going to let myself down today. The addicted me is like going on auto pilot when I roam through sites. It?s kind of obsessional.

 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Try mindfulness and see if that works? Seems to work for some people to clear their head with deep breathing.
 

CB

Active Member
Yeah I should do that, because the thoughts are going crazy with pictures or sequences of P at times. Today has been tough, but I managed to not spend anytime on any P sites.
My addicted brain is trying to get me to reason with ?just go have a look? Everybody knows how that goes.. :)

Day 2 in the books right now.
 

CB

Active Member
Been trying to fight back my bad habits of surfing on sites I don?t need to be today. Have been successfully stopping myself whole day, so that?s good. Been feeling a little more anxious and restless today though.

Day 3
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
I notice that constant fighting the thoughts tires us out and it becomes easier to give in that day or the day after
 

SebUK

Active Member
Agree with the above^^. The fight can get tiring after a while.

I reckon it's good that you are filling out a diary CB here. This exercise helps me a lot.

Good luck.
 

CB

Active Member
Thanks guys! Yes, it will wear one out mentally, definitely.

I?ve got 4 days in the book right now.
I just need to stay away from potential triggers, like instagram and facebook.. Try and do some breathing techniques and mindfullness each time I notice a trigger.

 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hey CB,

It's very good you started all new. It's necessary.

I'm in a similar position. Me and my GF want children as well and we're trying.
Have you opened up to your GF about PMO?
If not, it helps enormously to do that. Maybe, not everything at one time, depends on the GF, but being honest with PIED and the extra pressure will help you control things around you.

Imsor
 

CB

Active Member
Thanks Sorry!

Yeah I?ve told her about my relapsing period, and she?s supportive. I feel like I?m just lying to her, feel awful about this behavior..
Today has been better, I managed to put my phone away when I found myself instagram searching for women..
I know this will take time to and a lot effort, but this time I?ll try to take away as much triggers as possible.

I?ve lost total interest in real sex the last couple months because of the sexting and pmo. I know it will come back, I?ll also have to get more intimate with my gf because I need to work on that too.

Small steps forwards. Minute by minute, living in the now.

Day 5 in the books soon.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Good work getting to day 5 CB. I notice that getting past the first 2 weeks is extremely tough, especially the first 7. You're almost out of the 1st week. Keep at it.

 

CB

Active Member
Thanks akpal2!

Yes it?s definitely much more difficult first 2 weeks I remember, I guess I?ll have to go through the flatline as well.. It?s necessarry though, but first time I was scared about my little friend being dead. Absolutely not though, he was the best he?s ever been when me and my gf had sex back then. That?s what I strive for now, and with that comes the self-confidence too.

Day 6 done.
 

CB

Active Member
Okay day 7 done.

But today has been way more testy, had times of the day where I wanted to start and mentally edge with fantasizing. But I?ve been rather quick with noticing my impulses and stopped myself from going any further.

There has to be no more pmo in my life. I don?t like where it?s taking me. More and more extreme stuff like many of us. When I first started things I recently looked at just disgusted my younger self. It?s as the addicted me just don?t care.. all it wants is a new kick. I?m happy it?s nothing illegal though, but I don?t want to put in more details because it could just trigger anyone.
It?s already gone one week since my last pmo and sexting session. Feel good about it, at the same time I feel like I?m staring at that big scary mountain before me again. I?ll make it into sand, I?m not going out of this life without winning probably my toughest test.. Dramatic as it sound lol, but this is how it feels.

Stay safe
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
you're one week in CB, you're doing well. It gets slightly better from here. The first week is the worst. Slug it out. You're winning
 

CB

Active Member
Thanks man! Yeah today I?ve been having this feeling in my body making me feel restless and anxious. But it?s part of recovery, as is the dream I had about sex with a girl I don?t know. Woke up with wood in the middle of the night from the vivid dream I had. Definitely made it harder today but I?m happy I haven?t peaked in on any sites since I made up my mind one week ago. It?s cold turkey for me, I can?t handle to ween it off.

Day 8 done. Keeping on fighting.
 
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