So this is my start of rebooting.

scott.84

Member
Hi. I'm from Germany, 36 years old and I have been using porn since I have been on the internet, which must have been around the age of 14. I still remember downloading porn with a 56K modem on Windows 98 :)

Also, I'm gay.

I have always been a little anxious and shy towards other people. I guess that's one reason why using porn seemed so appealing to me in the first place. I guess it's a reason for a lot of people with anxiety issues to get into the "porn trap". So most of the time in my previous life I was using porn at least once a day in order to jerk off.

But through the years I worked on my issues, got a lot more confident, less shy when talking to people. But the porn use remained. Even in relationships I did not stop using porn. When having sex, I was mostly the passive part, since I didn't get an erection. I always thought that would be because of my circumcision. But at the end of 2019 I started restoring my foreskin and I must admit that jerking off about one and a half year later feels much better than before. (Even though I'm not at the end of that process.)

But when having sex with a partner, the erectile dysfunction remains. It's still really hard for me to get hard when being with someone else. Even if I get aroused and hard by seeing pictures of that person, it is very possible to not get hard when being intimate with that person. So I actually started looking for other things that might cause that problem.

In December 2020 I decided to jerk off less (but still to porn, since I didn't want to give that up) because I thought maybe jerking off too often is the problem.

At 31.12.2020 I made a promise to myself: Not to watch porn or masturbate for the whole of January. I even told a guy I'm chatting with. But actually, I haven't kept my promise long. I started watching porn some time ago and even edged to it. Although I managed not to cum until now, I feel really bad about myself not being able to let go of porn and masturbation for at least a whole month.

So I found out about porn addiction and rebooting and got myself educated about all of it. Since I have quit smoking twice (the first time I quit long-term I stayed smoke-free for five years, then relapsed and smoked again for five years, being now smoke-free for over two years after my second long-term quit in 2018) I must say that a lot of things about nicotine addiction are similar to porn addiction.

So like I quit tobacco in hard mode, I'm going to quit porn and masturbation in hard mode. My goals are, and I'm writing them here so I can be sure I am really meaning this:

1. To go hard mode for 90 days, counting starts tomorrow. Even if I haven't had an orgasm in 2021, the edging and porn use today won't make it count.
2. I have collected all of my porn files in the trash. There are 2.8 TiB of data waiting to be deleted right after I have published that post. This feels kinda weird and it hurts, but I guess there is no other way than deleting it.

I'll keep you updated on my reboot!

Cheers, scott
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Welcome!  I look forward to hearing more from you, but I do want to say, deleting your collection is huge.  It was very hard for me to do, but I did it.  Felt good for maybe a day, then panicked like I made a bad decision.  Not saying you'll feel that, but if you do, trust me, you're making a good decision.  Good for you :).
 

scott.84

Member
Day 1

I did it. I deleted all of it. Found another 25 GiB of porn videos afterwards, which I also got rid off.
I didn't sleep well last night, maybe because of that, maybe not. Don't know.

I don't regret deleting all of it, but I feel kinda weird that I haven't looked at porn today. Normally, no day would pass by without watching porn... I used to check daily on torrent and download sites for new stuff and I would download it immediately if it got me aroused. I caught myself thinking several times about some models and videos I really enjoyed masturbating to, but I was able to fight that thoughts off short after. So as for today, I'm glad how I did. Hope things stay that way, but I know things might get tough.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Awesome job man!  I also used to look nearly everyday and I have no doubt your lack of sleep is related to the deleting...maybe even grieving on a small level.  It'll pass.

I hope you tell yourself you're proud of yourself for deleting.  I'm proud of you!  It's not as easy as just clicking delete.  You did a damn good thing for yourself, so do another good thing for yourself to celebrate!
 

scott.84

Member
Day 8

So here's a short update on my reboot. I managed to withstand PMO for a full week! It was easier than I thought. I guess deleting all my porn and setting up a DNS filter helped me. I caught me a few times thinking about porn (with a small amount of regret) but was able to soothe me by telling me that I have made choice for myself to live without it. And that life will be so much better without porn. Knowing that I can't just browse to internet porn also gave me some kind of comfort since I somehow fear relapsing to PMO in a vulnerable mood.

Last night I woke up with a boner. I really can't remember when something like this happened before that. Fortunately I could withstand MO'ing, though I must admit that I started playing with my dick in half-sleep.

I don't know if it's because of my reboot, but I feel time is going by much slower for me... Somehow I'm more focused when doing things, but I also feel kinda bored in the evenings... Maybe I'm experiencing a bit of a flatline here.

So I'm still with you guys and hope you're doing well, too  :)
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
this is great progress scott.

btw, did your porn use ever get so heavy that you started degenerating towards straight porn i.e. away from your natural orientation?
 

scott.84

Member
In fact, it did degenerate towards straight porn. I guess it's because i came across a website which featured extreme sex acts. That sometimes turned me more on than seeing just two guys having sex with each other. But I have to admit, I never watched any lesbian stuff. Somehow that never got me off. But I think, if there had been more gay porn featuring that extreme acts, I might have watched that as well. But no hard feelings, I'm better off without porn. Though I'm just thinking of the perceived good times with it :-\
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
i know, i am straight and over time my porn tastes morphed towards gay sex because it got the most shock value.

interestingly enough as soon as i abstain from porn for any decent amount of time my proclivity towards watching gay sex goes away and i start craving straight porn
 

scott.84

Member
Maybe for you it's shocking to see gay sex since you are straight. For me it's quite common to see two guys making out. But it's quite interesting for me to read from straight guys watching gay porn to get off. It is something I would have never assumed to be possible ;)
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
scott.84 said:
Maybe for you it's shocking to see gay sex since you are straight. For me it's quite common to see two guys making out. But it's quite interesting for me to read from straight guys watching gay porn to get off. It is something I would have never assumed to be possible ;)

haha, indeed. Porn seems to morph tastes in people towards more "extreme" and shocking (to their senses) stuff.

Lots of people report moving to scat, blood etc. Also cases of gay guys moving to straight porn.

It really messes us up
 

scott.84

Member
Day 10

Last night I was weak. I used some pot to relax. Later, when I was on the toilet, I couldn't pee at first and somehow started looking at my dick. And that got me horny. I got an erection and started playing with it. I knew that this was not good and could easily end in relapsing. So the good thing is: It was a quite decent erection. I don't remeber when I was that hard last time. It also lasted longer than usual. And I think it's good that I was getting hard not sitting in front of a screen but while focusing on my body. The bad thing is: I shoudn't have done it.

So I won't count this as a relapse because I stopped quite early. It was just three minutes or so, not even getting close to an orgasm. But I have to write this in my journal because I want to be honest with you and me and that means I can't just leave this out.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
What would show greater control in a moment?  Stopping yourself from doing something you know to feel good, or starting something that feels good and then stopping yourself mid act?  I guess it's perspective, but for an addict to start such a behavior and then be able to stop in the moment?  Pretty impressive.  I would say not only is it not a relapse, but a damn good sign of overall improvement.  So rather than think you almost had a slip, how about think that you had the will power not to step over the cliff, despite someone's knee pressing down on you?  Granted, the knee was your own haha, but that just makes your will power and cognitive function in the moment that much more profound.  As I said, impressive. :)
 

scott.84

Member
Day 12

Things are getting tough. After experiencing a flatline with low libido, my urges are back. Last night, just before I wanted to go to sleep, I somehow had the idea to grab my phone and check my favorite dating app. I'm using the app much less since I started my reboot, but I'm still checking on there since I use this app also to keep up with friends. I was already naked because it was really just before going to bed. So I grabbed my phone, opened the app and the next thing I remember is me jerking off to some profile pics of a guy I am texting with which I find attractive. Becoming aware of myself doing this I couldn't at first stop because it felt so good, thinking "WTF am I doing?" at the same time. But fortunately I was able to stop at some point. Reminding me of my reboot and how stupid it is to jerk off to a screen helped. I really felt like an ape not being able to control his urges and being affected easily by artificial stimulation afterwards.

So the good thing is: It wasn't porn. Just profile pics of that guy which I could totally meet in person. Artificial stimulation though because it was a screen.
The bad thing is: I am scared of relapsing. That event made it clear to me that my reboot is about to get much tougher with my mind trying to trick me into old behaviours. I have to be much more aware because I don't want to "wake up" on such an occurrence and it's too late. This was even more close to a relapse than what happened two days ago. But I'm still on track and I will fight to control those urges.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
this is definitely progress, the ability to control yourself, but it is also dangerous because it can quickly lead to relapse. I am also struggling with the brain tricks. My edging to sexting thing the day before yesterday showed its effects with me having a much softer morning wood this morning compared to what i have been having when i am going clean. So yeah, keep going strong Scott, you're definitely making progress.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Sounds like your mind is aware it's losing its grip to make you PMO on its own, so it's pushing you toward lessor, albeit similar, artificial stimulation.  But I think the good news is your mind is showing signs of new tactics so to speak, so it knows you're trying to kill that part of your brain, and you're succeeding.

And again, to start something like that and stop?  So impressive, especially given that this was even a real person that you're attracted to (by real, I mean someone you can/will actually meet).

And you're not an ape, you're human, every single human does stuff that feels good, it's our nature.  Only difference is we're addicts and it can hurt us more.  But again, you recognized it and snapped out of it.  So once more, impressive.  Just be extra cognizant going forward.

But lot's of good to look at in the situation that occurred, clear indication of changes.  Stay strong!
 

scott.84

Member
Day 13

Thx akpal and hakid for your support. It's good have the opportunity to write about what's going on during my reboot getting response from guys who chan relate. Really helps me :)
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hey,

the compulsion is a huge problem in the beginning of the reboot. Find out the why the compulsion has such a strong influence in you. This finding out comes with a certain dedication it needs to 'look behind'. Often underlying and unprocessed emotions are the cause, like thoughts 'you should be like that, doing this and that' which you don't do and instead try to male it go away with an compulsive act.

My advice, write it down with honesty to yourself. Counting days is one thing, processing the self an other.

Take care
Imsor
 

scott.84

Member
Hi Imsor,

I have read some entries of your journal and I'm quite impressed of your success. 300 days is huge. As concerns your advice, I totally agree. In fact, for the first days (still early in my reboot) I was largely focused on not relapsing. On gaining some momentum which will drive me onwards. But as you said this is only one part of the process. Thanks for reminding me of this. I will try to get a better understanding of my compulsive actions, what feelings cause them and how I can work those issues out. I really appreciate your input :)
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
imsorrynotsorry said:
Hey,

the compulsion is a huge problem in the beginning of the reboot. Find out the why the compulsion has such a strong influence in you. This finding out comes with a certain dedication it needs to 'look behind'. Often underlying and unprocessed emotions are the cause, like thoughts 'you should be like that, doing this and that' which you don't do and instead try to male it go away with an compulsive act.

My advice, write it down with honesty to yourself. Counting days is one thing, processing the self an other.

Take care
Imsor

Thanks for this post. this is actually a very insightful post and probably the reason why many can't make it through the addiction. The 'look behind' is often overlooked as part of the process.
 
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