Journals > Ages 30-39

Starting a new journey to recovery

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Readytoreboot:
Hello, Im not new this site. I signed up last year and decided to start a new journal to give some of my background to why I want to quit P. I started watching P when I was about 12 or 13 years old. I’m 35 now and still addicted to P. I remember watching my first P video on VHS cassette tape but before that my earliest memories of P were magazines. My big bro was my main source for P but also friends of mine. When Internet P finally arrived Id spend hours of the night to download one scene/video. I didn’t think that there was any harm being done to me from consuming P. Eventually high speed internet P became available and I was fascinated by how much content I could access. PMO became a weekly (sometimes daily) ritual for me and I thought it was harmless. My earliest memory of suffering from PIED came in my 20’s. I was sexually active and I had some very attractive women that I had the chance to sleep with. I was confused why I had some troubles getting aroused when I had a super hot female in my bed. It was embarrassing to say the least and Id use P to try and help not knowing it was likely the cause of problem. One of my steady girlfriends at the time couldn't understand why I had performance issues and I was just as clueless because I was a young lad and should be full of libido. I started using Viagra once and a while but that also made me feel a bit embarrassed because I thought to myself I should’nt be having this problem at my age. My girlfried at the time stood with me even after my issues and lucky for me she was really easy to make orgasm. Eventually years later there was a point where I was single for a while and just wanted sex so I started sleeping with prostitutes. I was never into paying for sex before because it was’nt my style, Im an attractive young man and enjoyed the challenge of trying to get a girls number. The one thing that I was insecure about was my sexual performance and I didn't feel like I had to perform good for prostitutes so there was less pressure on me and I was alright with that. Also now that I look back I think subconsciously I felt like a P star by sleeping with prostitutes and it made me feel like I was living my P fantasies. Eventually I had a close call (but thank god it was nothing) which scared the hell out of me and I never slept with a prostitute again. I said to myself that it was safer to watch P and MO then to take a risk and sleep with prostitutes. It was like throwing gas on the fire and expecting the fire to go out. P helped me to quit sleeping with prostitutes but at the same time made me more addicted to P than I think Id ever been. I discovered YBOP and this site about a year ago and started reading about PIED and suddenly it all started to make sense to me about why I was having performance issues all these years. For over a decade Ive been struggling to have a consistent reboot but the last long streak of no MO I had was when I found this forum. Overall P has brought more pain to my life than pleasure and I want to let myself heal and reboot so that I can move on from the toxicity of P once and for all which is why Im here again.

ShadeTrenicin:
Hey Readytoreboot,

First of all sorry for the belated welcome but; Welcome to RN! You've taken an important step in beating this dreadful addiction and that is admitting that you have a problem. You are among likeminded people here. Im looking forward to read more of you and your journey. Also, read some of the other threads on here. You will find that you are not alone, that you are not the only one with PIED and you wil lfind tips and tricks to help you fight this addiction.

Good luck!

stepbystep:
Hi Readytoreboot,

Welcome to this forum and thanks for sharing your story. This is a sign that you're doing the right things. One thing that has helped me in the past is having an accountability partner and recovery program. Do you have one?

sbs

Readytoreboot:
Week 1 no PMO in the books. Feelings to watch P were strong around days 4-5 but did not watch a single second of any P. Exercise and meditation has helped as well as staying off of social media more. Reading books and listening to inspirational quotes on youtube kept me from slipping.   

By the way Sbs, Thanks for the welcome.  i dont have an accountability Partner, I think its a good idea though.

Readytoreboot:
So Ive relapsed a few times since my last log and its took me a while to get back to 1 week no PMO hardmode. Cravings to watch P were intense yesterday. Had to keep myself busy with activity and also focus on what I want to stand for. Inner me wants to give P up once and for good and another part of me doesnt and it sucks to be so addicted to something you get shitty feelings of withdrawl but Im know this is for the better me and its worth the sacrifice in the end to go thru hell in the beginning.

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