Taking it seriously

I started watching P as a teenager occasionally when internet emerged. It became severe when I left home to studied abroad, the loneliness was easier to cope with P. A classmate recommended it to me. I've always known that this not good, I often feel shame. This is not how I want to spend the time I have to be alive. I've been trying to get away from it for years. I last a couple of weeks, months, once I made it a full year, but always find my way back to it.

I want that thing out of my life once and for all. That is why I start this journal. To share my progress, read your comments, and build community, an army, against this destructive vice.

Thanks for reading
 
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ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey recovery000,

Welcome to this forum. It's great to see that you've come here to battle your addiction. You are not alone in this. We all face that ugly beast called porn addiction.

If i may offer a piece of advice; do you still shame when you've watched porn? And what is it that makes you feel ashamed? Because here, there is no more need for shame. Here you are with fellow addicts and we know the burden. You can talk freely here and you will only receive support and help.

So, about the relapses, do you know what triggers them? Is it fatigue, heavy emotions? Identifying emotions is key to a deeper understanding of what drives your relapses.


Good luck my friend, and welcome
 
Hi ShadeTrenicin,

Thanks for your comment and for welcoming me.

Regarding shame, it is with myself. I am ashamed that its been several years and I'm still unable to kick that vice out of my life. It has affected my confidence and given me continuous frustration. Since I am married, it is shameful to know that I have not been completely faithful to my wife. The fact that I have not been the man that I want to be, gives me shame.

In reference to triggers, I think it varies, most of them related to fatigue:
- On one hand, it is the desire to feel something while being in the flatline for a while. The numbness during that period is hard to bear, and it's very easy just to fall back
- I have fallen after reading a random piece of news about the P industry. For example, a new member that used to be known for something else, or someone now out that use to be part of it. I feel curious to find our who this person is and their role in the industry and fall back to P
- Often it starts slow. First, accidentally watching a model that captures my attention. Then, intentionally watching more. Then, look for models with less and less clothes. Finally, going back to P
- As mentioned before, there is always something new and exciting to find out in P. The desire to encounter it, often attracts me very much

Today, I feel fine and have no desire of falling back. I am back in the marathon

Thanks, friend
 
Hi recovery000,

I read your post and I recognize so much from your story. The shame you talk about is brutal, I know the feeling.
The way you slide back after is while is exaxtly what happens to me too.

The fact that you are talking about it is great and a big step in overcoming it.
I would like to follow your development and hope I can support you by doing this.
Keep up! You are on a great path.
 
Thanks Freegstroh.

To update: this weekend has been good, no temptation to go back. It usually starts 3 or 4 weeks after last relapse, so it is not unusual to be feeling fine. I have a great motivation, which is my family. I know that keeping the vice will hurt them deeply and certainly push them away from me. I won't let that happen.

Cheers, Everyone, and have a great week!
 
Nice to hear that you feel good.
It sounds like your family is a great motivation for your well being.
Enjoy the postivie vibe!
 
Update:

I feel good. No temptations so far to relapse. I've been busy, focusing on work and family. That helps keep your mind on useful things. I have noted that having nothing to do and boredom, can be a source of temptation. Also doing things for others, especially if they are suffering. Helping others cope with their suffering reminds you that life is not about you. PMO is, in essence, selfishness, in my opinion.
 
No thoughts about relapsing. But that is no reason for not being on guard.

While watching tv or women in the street, it is hard not look at some of them with some level of lust. I've been monitoring my thoughts and settle actions like these, and I think they are a first step towards relapsing. It has to start somewhere, don't you think? It would be great to get to a point in which these thoughts and ways of looking at women in the street, tv, or anywhere, disappear. I think that, at that point, one can be really free from that vice. It is hard to think that is possible, after all, the sexual urge is biological. However, I think that this is a way to proceed, slowly, controlling your eyes and thoughts, and not the other way around.

Just some evening thoughts.

Enjoy your weekend, friends
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey man,

You raise a good point. UKguy, posting in 40 and up, made a first succes story and posted about his 10 tips to help you beat the addiction. One of them was how to build a wall of defence, and it's describing the same mechanism you describe. It has to start somewhere.

Check it out, it has lots of amazing tips: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=18700.0


Good luck my friend
 
Thanks, ShadeTrenicin for the recommendation. It is very thought-provoking.

Update: All is good, I've been focusing on work. Temptations are low. Sometimes, I come up to random pictures on Twitter. Some are attractive. I look at them for a few seconds (like 5 or less), not more than that, and click them away. Perhaps I shouldn't look at them at all. I think, by looking at them , I am testing my strength, like a challenge, so it motivates me to do so. There is pride involved. However, I know this is risky behavior and should not happen. I will work on controlling that.

I wish everyone a great week.
 
Update:
It's been 17 days since I started this journal. I've started to feel some memories come to my mind of the material I've watched. However, an actual urge to go back has not yet been manifested. I entertain the thoughts for a few minutes while being somewhat unaware of them, then when fully aware, I shut them down. Fortunately, I've been busy with work and family so the opportunities to fall have been scarce. I think that is a good strategy, to keep myself busy.

I hope you all have a great weekend!
 
Update:

Day 20

I am starting to feel an urge to go back. It's been almost 3 weeks since I started the journal. It fits within the normal range where I usually fall. Also, it may contribute the fact that I got mad at my wife yesterday. I clearly don't want to go back. But I should acknowledge that the urge is present and I am currently attracted to go back. Not thinking about acting, I really don't want to. It is not the best. It won't serve me in anyway in the long run. Currently testing and relying on my will and praying to be strong enough.

End of the update.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Recovery, how have you been the past couple of days? Have you managed to stay strong?

Give us an update please!

Take care my friend, I am rooting for you
 
Update:

I relapsed. Last week I was not strong enough and engaged into the behavior. There is always something weird about the 3rd and 4rd week. The urge starts and I become sensitive, irritable, more aware of things like frustrations, and the way to deal with this is by going back to P. Working in my home office all day does not help, but there are no many options currently. Hopefully, this might change soon.

What else I can say. I have just to pick myself up and carry on. As time goes by, healing starts.

Thanks for reading and all the best.
 
I

Icandoit

Guest
recovery000 said:
Update:

I relapsed. Last week I was not strong enough and engaged into the behavior. There is always something weird about the 3rd and 4rd week. The urge starts and I become sensitive, irritable, more aware of things like frustrations, and the way to deal with this is by going back to P. Working in my home office all day does not help, but there are no many options currently. Hopefully, this might change soon.

What else I can say. I have just to pick myself up and carry on. As time goes by, healing starts.

Thanks for reading and all the best.

I don't believe that beating an addiction is just a matter of "being strong". Willpower will take you only so far. It's like a muscle that will eventually get tired. We need tactics to use on the moment. What happens to me is that sitting around and trying to negotiate with the addiction has led me many times to failure, as my willpower got tired. I could do a good job today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow but it will eventually get me. What tactics are you going to use when the urges hit hard? What I like to do is leave the place and do something physical. It's too hot to go outside right now but even going to the living-room and doing some shadow boxing and some push-ups helps. Urges are like a form of energy and doing something with this energy helps you lower the pressure in the heat of the moment.
 
Thanks for replying, Icandoit. Your comment is very reasonable, there should be a healthy way to release the pressure in moments of weakness.

My approach has been to increase my strength and will power by giving up simple and less wanted things, say salt or pepper in my meals. Have water, instead of a sweet drink or beer, at lunch. Somewhat fasting once a week by reducing the size of two of my three meals of the day and no snacks. Whatever is tolerable for me but that still pushes me. If able to give up these smaller things, the will becomes stronger to give up something harder. You have to be disciplined. The anxiety and irritability I feel every 3-4 weeks often makes me forget of my routine and discipline. Time to add something else. I will consider and implement your advice, thank you.
 

Peaceful Healing

New Member
I've been following your journey and I had a couple of questions if you dont mind sharing. I'm the wife of a man who recently started recovery. We have 3 little kids under 5 and his story is quite similar to yours. With the office being his trigger, struggles with sexualizing women in media/public and the frequency of pmo being much lower due to the shame of it. His user is NewLife_NewMan if you want to check out his postings.
Anyways, my question is related to your family. Does your wife know? And if not, do you think tackling this with her by your side would make your recovery more successful?
If she does know, how have things been in your relationship lately after disclosure?
Wishing you all the best!
 
Peaceful Healing, thanks for your good wishes. Regarding your questions:
My wife does not know yet. Yes, I think tackling this with her by my side will be of great support and will likely increase my chance of success. I will tell her, since she has the right to know everything that is going on with me.

Update: It has been a month since I started this journal. It has been a good experience to talk openly about this destructive vice, and know that I am not alone in this path to recovery. Shame tends to isolate individuals and that has a negative effect in social creatures like us. It has been good to see that recovery is possible, in spite of the oversexualization of the culture and the new ways and innovative material the industry uses to attract users, old and new. Parents nowadays have an even greater responsibility to protect children from this damaging material that severely distorts human sexuality and romantic love. Keep strong everyone. End of the update.
 
I

Icandoit

Guest
recovery000 said:
Update: It has been a month since I started this journal. It has been a good experience to talk openly about this destructive vice, and know that I am not alone in this path to recovery. Shame tends to isolate individuals and that has a negative effect in social creatures like us. It has been good to see that recovery is possible, in spite of the oversexualization of the culture and the new ways and innovative material the industry uses to attract users, old and new. Parents nowadays have an even greater responsibility to protect children from this damaging material that severely distorts human sexuality and romantic love. Keep strong everyone. End of the update.

It's very very difficult nowadays, more difficult than when only magazines existed. Everything you look you see doses of porn substitutes. But we have no other way. We either end dealing with porn or porn will end us. There is no room for bitching about the times we live in, this won't change the amount of porn and porn substitutes that exists. The only way is to fight to quit this. A plan + some willpower should be a good start.
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hello,

The fact that I have not been the man that I want to be, gives me shame.
Accept who you are. If you really understood that, you will be able to tell your wife and then she will see you in a different light. Explaining having an addiction is not easy, that's why you should think it through first. Just opening up isn't helping. Again, accept who you are and then you can show others that you have an addiction, like we all do. I had to stay clean for a long time until i opened up to the GF, it helps me.

From my perspective you knew about your relapse quite early. Don't get me wrong, it seem to build up over time until your defence hasn't got the power to hold it back. It will repeat over and over again, because it works like a valve for letting of steam. My first thought when i've read your journal was 'this guy has a good life but suffers from an unprocessed emotional state'. I have to say, i'm not a therapist or whatever, but when you can handle 3-4 weeks without PMO you mostly know your way. So, after accepting what you do start to make self inventory. We are here for this. What do you personally think it is which leads you to PMO? I found out that i have to sort out a lot of emotions with my parents and their divorce.

A relapse is there to tell you what went wrong. Was it your ridiculous challenge with those twitter pics? I advice to delete it, like any other social media app that no one really needs. They consume your time and will never give anything back but you not being present, not being there for your loved ones. I avoid just anything digital which could work as a porn sub, because they don't contribute to my healing of an addiction. If you ask yourself why you don't do that, i recommend Williams post in the P addiction forum.

Peaceful_Healing: PMO is an addiction and therefore we blame the addiction for things we do or have done. Things we never ever thought about, when we not have this addiction. You being here and open to learn about our problem is helping you and your husband. He needs to know where he has to go to when he isn't feeling good in terms of PMO. In documentaries about PMO or addiction in general that addict needs a peer group for exchange, a relationship where he can talk about his problem and learn that he is still be loved even though there is an addiction and for some a therapist for the underlying problems which lead to weak emotional states.
 
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