Journals > Ages 30-39

Rebooting trough self-parenting

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EarthWalker:
Hello, rebooters.

Time I gave this another try. I have an old journal from 2017. But I changed since then. This time I will do my best to find and heal the root causes of my porn addiction.

One major thing is the feeling of love. I feel very much unloved. I feel like I need to revisit my early childhood. A quote from a book I find interesting:


--- Quote ---Everyone's first experience of love is the love they receive from their mother and from their father and from the atmosphere of the love that exists between their mother and father in infancy.
--- End quote ---

Analyzing my infancy and early childhood. There is just a deep hole.

I have an analytical mind. I am an engineer. I just want to fix this.

Taking inventory:

I feel like my mother never loved me. Up until I was like 10 or something she visited me on weekends while I was raised by grandma. Grandma was effectively divorced. So she was filling in for a mother and a father. Doesn't work. I think my mother has some deep seeded problems with males. Misandry. I feel like she would prefer to be a guy or something. There was never abuse from her part. Just a lot of dismissal and not giving me any attention.

My father was away most of the time for work up until I was 18 or something like that. As a child didn't see him much. He was an alcoholic. When he was around. There are some good memories. But when he drank, he didn't get abusive per se. But just totally killed any joy. Very depressing energies. Kills any joy.

Their relationships was pretty chaotic when I was an infant. They moved around apartments and there was some physical violence involved. Not a happy and loving relationship.

I can see how my mother and father are just passing the buck along. Their parents were not very positive either. My grandma's mother effectively killed her dreams of being a pasty chef. Instead she got her to work long hours in a factory. Just on of many examples I could list.

I have no problems with this. I inherited a lot of garbage from my parents. Which they inherited from their parents etc.

Not the job I signed up for. This is not how it is suppose to be. But I can either be miserable or I can clean the messes as much as is possible in this lifetime.

The way our society is set up. It is designed just to keep on making the buck bigger and passing it down the line. Like being an unconscious participant in the theatre of the absurd.

Well. This buck stops here.

My current relationship with my mother is cold and estranged. I do share the same house with her. I have my own floor with separate entrance. We say hello 1x per week. This is about it. She has her life. I have mine. I think this is for the best.
My father died a few years back with cancer. I am not surprised with the amount of unresolved emotional garbage he was carrying.

I don't find what I wrote particularly difficult subject. It is the reality I am starting to face. Knowing the exact problem is half the solution.

Porn is just a coping mechanism. A momentary release from all the accumulated garbage both in my genetic line and the collective consciousness.

I am carrying the unresolved emotional issues of many of my ancestors.

There are many areas of life I need to address. I will start in dealing with unresolved issues from ages 0-7 years old. This is where I should feel loved, supported in the world. Instead it made me feel like the world is a cold and unlovable place.

Today I came across a book on self-parenting. I cried a little. Will this be the part of the healing journey? Solution to my porn problem?

My journey in self-parenting starts today. My intention of this journal is to journal my experience with self-parenting for the duration of 3 months.

May you be healed. May you feel loved.
EarthWalker

Wolfman:
Hi EarthWalker, welcome back to the forum.

You wrote:

"My current relationship with my mother is cold and estranged. I do share the same house with her. I have my own floor with separate entrance. We say hello 1x per week. This is about it. She has her life. I have mine. I think this is for the best."

Given you say that so much garbage comes from your parents, which comes from their parents, don't you think that to truly "stop the buck" you not only need to stop treating yourself badly but to reverse the trend altogether. Instead of shuffling down garbage through the generations, how about giving gifts? I mean, try to repair relations with your mother and not leave things at the estranged. Maybe go up and tell her, "hey, let's have coffee once a week, and just chat? You can tell me about your week and I'll tell you about yours." Very basic stuff. I'm no expert, but if you want to become a parent for yourself, that means taking take of your relations. And it seems like your relation with your mother seems like an important one to care of.

Just my two cents when I read your post. I wish you plenty of strength and hope, EarthWalker!

EarthWalker:
Thank you Wolfman. I wish you much happiness.

I'll start with having a right relationships with myself. Listen to my body and my feelings.

Changing my inner world will reflect the outer.

There was a start of a fight between me and my mother. I just said I don't feel like fighting and left. A few moments later she calls me on the phone and we have a civilized conversation. A much better level of conversation than if I have stayed and have a face to face conversation.

I am learning that not engaging in drama helps a lot. Staying neutral as well. Everyone is living their own truth. Fighting only makes things worse. I think this is an energetic principle. Negative energy can only bring about negative outcomes.

Like we see with riots. You hurt me, I hurt you. This only brings about negative outcomes.

But glad you brought this up. From my perspective she should be the one to make the first move.

I value professionalism highly. It is my belief that if you sign up to do a job. You should do a good job. If you sign up to be a parent. Make sure you do a good job. For starters you can be around your kid and not let grandma raise your kid. Basic stuff.

But this is for some other time. I'll revisit this when the time is right. I don't feel like it is time to make any changes to my relationship with my mother.

EarthWalker:
I think I'll update the journal once a week.

I view porn just as a symptom. A bit counter intuitive. But I find that looking at things from a yes/no perspective helps a lot.

Is porn a problem? Yes/no.
Do I eat healthy? Yes/no.
Do I exercise regularly? Yes/no.
Do I socialize regularly? Yes/no.
...

This really cuts out bullshit and excuses. Other wize I end up make up excuses. Well, I did go on a walk yesterday so guess I do exercise a little. Bunch of BS.

That said. Having no stress is also key. Do I eat healthy? No. Do I stress about it? No.

So I guess this boils down to being honest with myself, not make any excuses. At the same time I started to stress less about everything.

What my body is telling me right now. I need to do some exercises for the spine. I sit a lot. My posture is bad.

I found one program online to improve posture. I like it. So I'll do my best starting tomorrow, to do the program every day in the morning.

Edit: In terms of self parenting. I ordered one book and found one online. So I am reading the book about self parenting now.

EarthWalker:
I am feeling a lot of resistance reading the book. I haven't finished it. I will push trough it and read it. It is the right thing to do. This is just sabotage.

The posture exercises are very good. They actually work. But obviously I need more time to see some substantial results. But it is working.

In terms of self parenting. It is the right thing to do. But I haven't started the sessions as first I wish to finish the book.

EW

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