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My journal, my friend

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Hello there,

i hope this will help me going through this process this time.
EDIT 03/2021:
Up until today it's working. I'm over 300 days PMO free. I did a lot for that.
- easy to achieve goals
- cardio exercise on regular basis, 3 times a week
- meditation/progressive muscle relaxation (guided)
- talking to GF, opening up
- educated about PMO mechanisms
- some period of hard mode
- learned about self love, treating the self good
- sleeping routine, strict bed times
- diet to improve libido and male potency

I experienced during all that time:
- zero libido weeks
- no morning wood
- no feeling down there in any kind
- panic and anxiety problems
- he could get hard but not any time with the GF

It's all worth it. It's not easy. Fight, fall down, stand up, fight, repeat, repeat, repeat.

The story is, i discovered P when i was 14-15 and went on kind of regular daily basis of PMO. It became my daily bedtime routine over years. During that time the symptoms became stronger, but i didn't recognise it - you can imagine that.

I had several relationsships with girls all the time. I thought i'm just getting more nervous with girls and that´s why i doesn't work properly, but that wasn't the case. In around 2010 a friend of mine and i realised we´re in trouble, we´ve grown an addicition. So, we worked our way into the facts of that PIED-thing and we realised what it needs to overcome it. (you will later see, even though i did know all the mechanism and stuff, i fell back)

My first reboot started back in 2011 and i did quite good. I went clear for a long time, maybe 6 months without P, mostly wet dreams. That was the time when i as a person become more balanced and more confident with women. I wanted to find out if i could do normal with girls again, so i tried. Shockingly it didn't work out the way i hoped, but i got better and better. I felt that it also depends on the trust i have with the girl. The more trust, the better it worked - it was a relieve that i can have normal sex and experience normal urges, without going fetish or any absurd kind.

It then happened to me to have a girlfriend which had her own problems with an eating disorder (anorexia). We found our way to manage that, but during that time i lost my confidence in what i achieved as a P-free-person. Through the relationship with the eating disorder i got the feeling that it is okay for me to have a disorder as well, so i started relapsing. This mechanism is widely known i understand, minus and minus doesn't equal plus all the time. If you´ve read to this point, it doesn't stay that sad all the time, ok?

Years went by, she made therapy and went into a clinic, improved her life to a healthy point. During that time i didn't forbid P to me, it was kind of letting off steam somedays and was something that i can hold on - a controlling instrument. I was not doing it regularly, but often.

Looking back, it was weird when i did it. For example, when i have a good time with my girlfriend, even had good sex, the thought in my head came up 'you´ve reached a good level, reward yourself with some of what you really like'. I also relapsed after some things went bad, crisis in relationsship or sth like that.

All the time i still managed to do 10-20 days without P. I thought, opening only one tab and one video is not inducing the P-relevant issues. And i handled it like 'you don't have to forbid it yourself, you can do it whenever you want, it´s not relevant to do it today or in 10 days, because if you want to, you´ll do it'.
Today, i would like to think that this thought is completely wrong. Sadly i'm not exactly at that point, but that´s my goal to get there. I know now, that this mechanism is like keeping a flower by only giving her less water. It mustn't grow much, but it will keep alive as long as i give some drops of water (this is like a f***** cactus in the desert). I realised that, because the symptoms on the one hand got better, but didn't go away.

SO, i decided for a fresh start, becoming myself again. I'm looking at my daycount, which says 29 today, but i would like to think that this is not important. I had so many relapses in so many strange moments. The triggers will come, the urges will come and i want to keep the focus on those moments. Do you know these moments, when your brain is telling you all of a sudden 'it is totally ok to masturbate right now'? In the past i was completely powerless against those thoughts. They were so strong, that i thought 'hey, it can't be that bad if it feels like a natural urge' and in a way it is, i guess. But for me, the natural urge and the addictive urge - i can't seperate them. I´ve never learned how to, because i PMO´d before i actually was with a girl. This is why i want the addictive urges to decrease. This works better without doing anything right now.

Last time i relapsed around day 45. Well, this time we´ll see.

Résumé of what i feel, since stopping:
Day 29
no kind of libido
no urge to PMO or MO
increased consumption of chocolade, sugar stuff
increased consumption of beer (from 0 to 3-4 beers a week, ... :-)
morning wood is coming back, slowly

Thanks for reading, will try to keep you updated.


You brought up some interesting points.

I also sometimes get the weirdest excuses why it is OK to PMO just once and just today... like rewarding myself, or  “my wife won’t have sex with me for the next couple days anyways,” but those are all dangerous rationalizations. Every second of PMO is decreasing our pleasure from future real sex. And I want the REAL thing, not this sh*tty addiction.

Keep up the good work and ignore excuses your brain is coming up with.  ;)

This was not a good day, therefore i must write it off.

My GF and i are trying to become parents like 3 years and today it seems that we´ve lost the young one early after 5 weeks. Besides that is a very frustrating thing, this is not helping my mood for staying clear of whatever. Firstly it makes my soul very sad and secondly it brings down my confidence in the future.
So, it is happening again. My confidence is decreasing. My GF is dealing with it quite good, because she felt it coming and thinks today just cleared it off for her. This is when i understood it right, i guess. We do feel the same depressing things, maybe her even more than me. And when i look at her, even though she has her own problems, she is marching on.

What i need now is that positive influence that our futures are going to be what we are wishing for, but i can't do that all the time. Sometimes i get uncertain and as a result i question everything, most likely my relationship. This is when it is getting very challenging for me. I know, these moments are rare, because overall i'm an optimist, but these are the moments who are creeping up on me. If someone would ask me: What do you need right now to make it better? I would answer, i need the love of my GF, a supporting shoulder and maybe some sports and chocolade.

By the way, i ate 1/2 pack of those chocolade peanuts today and bought two beers which i didn't drink. The chocolade helped in a way.

Day 32
no kind of libido
1/10 urge to PMO or MO
1/10 morning wood
increased consumption of chocolade, sugar stuff

This is more of a note to my journal, anyway feel free to read.

Had a huge fight with my GF today. It started with her having a bad mood and i was just advicing one thing that lead to the fight. Shortly after i recognise that her mood has mostly nothing to do with me. She is sad and angry and will eventually take me as a target for some things (without reason, she´s telling me afterwards). All i can or must do is stay there and do or say nothing. Just bear her mood for an unknown time. This situation is bad for myself, and with bad i mean traumatizing. That´s why i start to advice things or try to leave the room. Both ways end up the same way, she´s screaming at me or is slamming doors, raging. That leaves me even more scared in another room, which leads to a numb feeling in myself. Numb and depressed.

Coming to my addiction numb and depressed is a fruitful ground for PMO as far as i know. That´s leaving me alone, knowing i have to prepare for the next days or weeks until stuff with GF is working better. I'm not certain about what preparing could be. But i will give myself some guidelines for at least 10 days:
- delete the facebook app (done)
- no phone/laptop use on evenings or mornings in bed
- make entry in journal in case of triggers recognised

Got a clear head to write in my journal.

Got mostly everything sorted out with my GF. It´s up to us now to let it stay that way and i'm more confident with the future now, knowing how i can help her better in those situations. So, good news on this flank.

Two days ago i had some kind of wet dream. It was only a tip though.
The thing is, i can definitely feel which period of the withdrawal of PMO is coming up for me. It´s been 38 days since my last O and, as one might know, an urge is coming up. By urge i mean just the kind of urge to O. This i can feel in the way my best friend feels like and he´s becoming more and more sensitive. I feel that and i like it, because i know, if i get close to my GF it will feel wonderful, but: I still want some time to pass before that happens, just to sort out the P-aspect. I've read in other threads, that there is also a chaser effect after normal intercourse and i know this aswell. I'm remember days where i PMO'd just 1 h after i got close to my GF. I want control that this time.

And, finally, i had very strong morning wood today, 9/10. I must have been waking up perfectly after REM. He was still up when i got in the bathroom and i had to coldwash my face and wait until he´s down for peeing. Huge success for me. I expect this was just one very good day of morning wood and i have to expect that it will last much longer to have a wood like that every morning.

In general positive, i feel good and confident. The journal is helping me, knowing through the day that i can write it down in it.
38 days without PMO, getting closer to the days i expect much more trouble with, which i expect to be 40-50, because this is where i´ve relapsed last time.
Target A ist reaching 90 days no PMO, after that i make new Target A.
Target B is reaching 90 days of no P, but eventually come close to my GF.

- no phone/laptop use in bed works mostly on evenings, mornings seem to be better. Really have to make that when alone.
- libido is up, 5/10 the last two days
- urge to MO is 4/10, to PMO 0/10
- morning wood, one day 9/10, rest of the days 1/10
- still increased consumption of chocolade


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