Journals > Ages 30-39

Getting my life back

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I am a religious Jew, 31 years old, married and have 2 great kids.

I first viewed porn when I was 12 years old when one of my siblings showed me something I had no idea about. Since then its pretty much been a sown hill battle. Being a religious Jew, I found this incredibly tough as there is no one I felt I could speak to about this issue. I know that I've felt guilty about it. I managed to find an accountability partner whom I know, but that fell away a few months ago - it was too hard for me to keep telling him of my failure even though I know he only wants me to succeed.

 I've always been a pretty "happy go lucky kind of person" but found that this is changing and I dont like it. I get mad at my kids all the time, haven't had or even wanted sex with my wife in ages. I've managed to go more than 3 months without porn for a while, but I think it was more out of "avoidance" than an actual decision not to engage again... if that makes sense. I am part of a jewish group similar to this one (but with a different angle - called guard your eyes) but the scientific side on this site really makes a lot of sense to me.

I'm here because I feel most of the symptoms discussed on the yourbrainonporn site, I feel I have no energy where I used to have tons. I have no motivation for anything, my career has sloped, though I just started a business with a friend - but I feel like I add very little value, suffer from low self esteem and confidence, struggle to connect with people like I used to, low libido and pretty much want to be alone alot and do my own thing. I WANT MY LIFE BACK, so here I am.

As I write this, I am on my 4th day of no PMO and feel pretty good about it, but I want more than just avoidance. I want to spend my time connecting with my wife, friends and family. I want the passion back in my marriage. I want more intimacy with my wife, but afraid that I dont even know what that really looks like. I'm looking forward to the journey though I know its going to be a tough one - what keeps me going is that I know there is more to life and happy to be going for that as my goal :)

I'm looking for an accountability partner here, so if you need one, please PM me.

10 Jan 2017 - Day: 0

Well, I had a good run, I have been clean for about four days (the longest) in a while. I've had time where I could go for extended periods, but I guess I wasn't actually ready to stop, or just allowed myself to jump back on the bandwagon. That's the tricky part of this journey, as they say, Once an addict always an addict.

The new pathways and a rebooted brain are great, and as long as we keep up the work, we'll be okay, but the old paths don't "just go away" they are very much there, we just don't use them anymore.... Just like an abandoned roadside.... It's not in use.

Well, I refuse to allow this habit to continue to control me. I read a post this am, not sure which one, but came to realise that pain is not permanent, and if we can learn to "love the pain of difficulty and change our approach from avoidance to acceptance and embrace it, it offers a tonne of value that is hidden... Just like a precious Gem, beyond the pain is something beautiful and I prefer that than the layer of crap that covers it.

Here's to starting again :)

You said it there man. As long as we keep up the good work. Recovery's a continual daily process which sometimes can be hard, especially in the beginning but with great rewards. We've all relapsed at some point. It's about how quick you can pick yourself up and go for it again.

Keep strong Brother.

Day 1: 11 Jan 2017

Thanks Mikel for the comment and support. It's not a straightforward journey, but there is a lot to grow from the challenge, so taking it in my stride.

I joined this group and forum with a few days under my belt already. After the four-day high and then a relapse, I came back yesterday and started my reboot again.

Quick thoughts about my day yesterday, I felt fine, no cravings or need to look at anything.  My day went pretty well at work and managed to get a good run in the afternoon. The run definitely helps a lot with mood and energy.

I had a big dinner (thanks to the fantastic misses) but felt sluggish and tired after that. I ended up watching some movie - nothing sexual, just a good old sci-fi action. I had been given some books on leadership and coaching and decided like the progress for overcoming the problem, take one step at a time so started reading a book on goals, which I'll continue with tonight (maybe skip the movie - but will see.)

So far today has been off to a pretty good start. I managed to get to my prayers and did a bit of studying. Dropped the kids at school. Had an issue with our internet at work but found that I'm avoiding getting cracking at some work that needs my attention.

Until tomorrow, be strong!

13 Jan 2017: Day 2,3 of my reboot.

The days actually went pretty well.

I had a crazy training session yesterday morning at 5 am which is something I love doing, but it was hard.
I'm going to venture off a little and journal about some other areas of my life I'm working on at the same time, as I wanted to journal anyway, so killing two birds with one stone.

As far as PMO goes, I've been OK.I haven't had any major cravings though I have increased my anti-anxiety meds after seeing my doc this week, so will keep an eye out on that. I wasn't feeling so well last night and ended up passing out around 8 pm, my wife was busy downstairs, and when she came up, I got a second wind. I started watching a movie an got bored and ended up visiting a youtube page that's been a bad trigger for me in the past. I won't go into details, but it's not a hardcore channel, just not a great channel for someone trying to stay clear. I ended up leaving the channel and sticking to my commitment of catching myself and just breathing to seek to gain more control over my emotions and state of mind. All in all, I've been OK.

1. Spirituality: I usually pray every morning or at least committed to. Due to training, I was unable to work according to my routine and bumped into a friend of mine whom I haven't seen in a while. He's been on a destructive path, and I purposely have been avoiding him but it was nice to see him, and I told him, why I hadn't been in touch. I still keep my distance, but OK to see him again. I didn't manage to stick with my commitment as per prayers but did what I could.

Health: Food
I've been trying to work on my eating, as mostly I don't eat properly during the day. My eating isn't bad necessarily, but it's more about not eating the right foods at the right times. I also hadn't really committed to doing anything specific, so this is a good opportunity for me to assess and decide on what actions is needed. I should have an idea next week, so Ill come back to that. On that note, I had a plate of Nachos in the afternoon which didnt agree with me and ended up going home after that unable to eat supper.

Exercise: I'm doing great. I've been training (martial arts and fitness in the am's) and I've also been running - I'm now up to about 8km in just under 49 minutes. I've got a goal to run a 10KM and a 21km in the year - but that's going to be BIOG for me.

Workwise: Yesterday and the day before were OK. I've really been working on consistency and priorities which have been tough for me. I tend to get stuck into and hyper-focused on certain things which don't always yield results, so working now on ensuring that I plan for the year, set goals and then work backwards to make sure I'm on track. Its quite a weird and somewhat scary thing to do because I've been really bad at achieving goals that I've set out to do but feel comfortable now, and hopefully journaling will keep me on track. I've got an accountability group that I have to present my year plan top next week Friday so that should help me stick with it. I've started my program and should spend about an hour each day working on it. So far so good.

That's all for now, I don't want to get too bogged down but feeling good. I'm also trying to be more affectionate with my wife which has been kind of weird but satisfying at the same time. No longer hold onto the pains, failure and fears of the past.


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