Author Topic: Longing to be Free  (Read 1196 times)

sadandfrustrated

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Longing to be Free
« on: July 14, 2016, 10:29:14 AM »
I am of woman of faith, married for 25 years and struggling with obsessive thoughts that get played out (fantasized) like a broken record in my head. For awhile it was lots of stories, but with common threads. I used to to view pornography, but got away from it for years, but now I am back and I use it to create pictures for my story line. I used to think it was just hormones and a near sexless marriage...but I know it goes deeper than this. I have tried sheer will power, sometimes it works, most of the time... not. I hate it. I pray against my behavior, I know it is a sin. It hurts that once I allow myself the slightest leeway, I am lost and I feel like I have no control, until I have played it out in my head. Or I roll play verbally the whole story. Sometimes it is a few hours, there have been times when I was lost in it for days. It is always to same basic storyline. It is not a healthy one, it is about power and submission, and every heterosexual sexual act I can come up with (and the porn helps me come up with ideas). Sometimes I am the man in the story who has the power and ability to control over usually young women for my own purposes; more often, I am the very young woman in love with the man (whom I have developed a whole biography for!) who has a very commanding personality, but who loves me. I get so depressed and disappointed with myself. I spend a lot of time alone, due to health reasons and not being able to work. Boredom is an issue, as is the need to be desired, another.

klarson27

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Re: Longing to be Free
« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2016, 09:29:06 PM »
Is your husband aware of your struggle?

sadandfrustrated

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Re: Longing to be Free
« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2016, 03:18:14 PM »
He is only aware that I am not happy with the lack of intimacy.

klarson27

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Re: Longing to be Free
« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2016, 06:54:53 PM »
Have you ever shared with him the types of things that you are watching?

That might be a good thing to try and discuss and even discuss possibly acting them out with him?

 In a marriage rooted in faith you may even discuss how you feel shame for the desires and ask him how he feels about it.