Just trying to pop on here on a little more regular basis. I have found when I don't come on here as much I am less conscious of my recovery. Then when a trigger comes I feel more blind sighted by it. When I am on here and engaged I find I am more focused on my healing and I tend to feel more prepared for triggers and they are easier to handle. The support this community offers to PA and us partners really is amazing. Thank you.
Thanks, Malando. I so very much love and appreciate your encouragement. Bit of a crazy weekend. I may have had a bit of a breakdown, lol. Kinda blew up. Way too much going on and trying to do way too much at once. I had to ask myself why there is so much on my plate and had a big conversation with my husband. He has done a lot in his recovery, but some of the areas that I have put boundries and asked for support and gone to the wast basket. In addition to his inconsistency, I haven't been consistent with my enforcing the boundries. He has a tendency to over-commit to doing too much. When we took on the project house he agreed to still be able to manage family time and having us still be able to enjoy time together. That hasn't happened this entire summer has been working every spare moment. My parents came to visit and they helped work. THe few times we did go and enjoy the area, he stayed home to work. He agreed to help with the homeschool and hasn't helped at all. I feel like everything has just been piled on my plate. I know he is working crazy hard too, but I just have to wonder, is it necessary? He put this move in date so crazy soon that it just isn't realistic and now we are all exasperating ourself to achieve this stupid goal he has created. I have been trying to be encouraging and positive but this weekend I just broke. Doing a complete gut and rebuild on a 2800 sq ft 150yr old house, while running a growing business, homeschooling two kids, and doing the things needed for our personal recoveries, not the mentions ballet and soccer and scouts for the kids. Well, you can't do it all. Something has to give. I think my freakout was a real wake-up call for him, I just wish I didn't have to have a mental breakdown for him to see I am struggling. Babysteps, right? Lol.
So I went to a bible study for women this morning and I had an interesting experience. I have been trying to start a group for partners but I really haven't got much response. Apparently, this is an issue that nobody really wants to acknowledge yet. Anyway, I thought, well, I still need to be connecting and growing so I would join a woman's bible study. The first chapter in the book we are reading was about forgiveness. Ugg! As the group was talking and sharing about different things it finally sank in for me just how much I am forever changed by this experience. Not sure if it's for the better or not. I just know that I just can't relate to others like I used to. It is a bit sad. It makes me feel more isolated and alone with this. It feels a lot like grief. I am on the fence about whether I want to go next week or not. THe ladies seem nice but it is clear in their discussion that they either haven't experienced a profound hurt or they are not wanting to deal with it. I am in a place where I don't have time or desire for surface level friendships and conversation. I want something real, authentic, meaningful. Is it just me?