Author Topic: Its a process...I guess.  (Read 47687 times)

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #175 on: May 08, 2017, 09:03:16 AM »
Another great weekend. We had some family time and still got a lot accomplished. Thing are moving ahead. The kids are settling back into their school routines and our business is starting to pick up and get busy. So far things are good.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #176 on: May 09, 2017, 10:03:33 AM »
So we are in a new town and the kids have started doing scout and things. We homeschool so those extra things are super important as that is the majority of their socializing with other kids. We usually do a bunch of stuff from soccer, scouts, ballet, church, and awanas. They are busy kids. Lately though it has been slower for them since ewe are still getting settled. Setting up the shop has been slow since we have been trying to watch our $ till our house closes. Anyway my son has been acting up a bit. He is 9 and really ready to make some friends. The other day he was starting to show attitude again (which we don't tolerate) and I just stopped and asked him what was going on. I don't want him to always feel in trouble but I also don't want to condone poor character and attitude either. I asked him if he was doing ok and he said yes but he was having a hard time with himself. He said he was feeling like a huge disappointment and he didn't know how to stop it. I ask him to name three great things about himself and he said that right now there aren't any. My heart was so sad for him. We talked for a bit and we talked about the attitude cycle. How when you feel down everything turn to crap and it hard to pull out of it. We talked about a ton of the things that he is amazing at. What kind of heart he has, and how proud of him I am, even when he does something less than awesome. It just struck me how terrible that must have felt for him. He is 9 and already feeling the pressure of fitting in. He said he is scared to make new friends sometimes. I noticed these are the same cycles I have heard from my husband. These are the root causes that lead to porn. These feeling right now, at this age. I can't shelter him for everything. He will probably see, hear, and have some exposure to porn and other things in his life but I am noticing that if I can build him up. He he is confident in who he is and where he is going then those things won't be as enticing for him.

I had him help make dinner that night, he really love helping with cooking. I even had him chopping some of the veggies and stuff. He pretty much made the entire meal. After dinner I told him that there are lots of things he is good at, including making one amazing meal for us and it was delicious. I just wanted him to feel that he accomplished something great. I wanted him to feel proud of himself. Even his sister said that he is the best brother she could ever have. It really warmed my heart. I hope and pray so much that he can see the person that I see in him.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #177 on: May 11, 2017, 11:12:32 AM »
Still getting settled. I feel like my husband is doing really well. I am glad we have made this move. I think he needed a place to start fresh. It was hard to me to loose my old friendships but honestly they were lost the minute I realized that my husband had turned them into porn fantasies. It was hard for me to see my friends who I loved so much and feel they were preferred over me in my husbands eyes. For my husband once he realized how bad this had gotten I could tell that he felt uncomfortable in their presents. They were nice to him and he felt awkward because he had completely exploited them without their consent and knowledge.

Now he is really excited and making new friends a lot easier than he ever has before. I have noticed that I am a little more reluctant but honestly I think its because I just haven't found any ladies I connect with like I had before. Also I am nervous about making friends with attractive women out of the small fear that the past will repeat itself. For the most part I feel good about the progress made. I feel good about where my husband and I are in are relationship but there are still some wounds that will just take time to heal.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #178 on: May 15, 2017, 08:53:54 AM »
Well this weekend was hard, not gonna lie. We went to a boy-scout camp on Saturday, just for the day. That meant that all of my house stuff I wasn't able to get to. We had a good time and the kids really loved it. Sunday morning (Mother's Day) we woke, he said happy mothers day and then nothing. I asked if he had anything planned and he said maybe we should go to a vineyard that he has been wanting to check out. It just seemed like he just wanted to do things that he wanted to do. He didn't think at all about all of the stuff I needed to do. Or even what I would have liked to do. He didn't even make breakfast or have the kids draw me a picture. We don't normally make a big fuss out of holidays like that but after everything from the past year and this move I just thought it would have been nice to feel appreciated. This move does help our business but it is mostly for our marriage. It hasn't been easy, and I have been struggling to make friends and find where I fit. I have been picking up a lot of extra work because its just us. I do a lot more of the kids raising where as before he did help a little more. He has said that he would help with some of the homeschooling and frankly in the last month he has put in less than three hrs of help. I have been doing everything else. He has been spending his spare time looking at houses and making new friends. Before we left we agreed not to get too much of a fixer so our time could be used at the business and now he has been looking at all of these huge project houses. I have been trying to be supportive because I am glad that he is enthusiastic about it. Some of the project houses are literally dream houses for him. I just wish that he was that excited about us. I still feel like I am along for the ride here.

Sunday was a boiling point. I know that he isn't using porn or even masturbating. But we have been here for a month and a half and have only had sex once. I hold some responsibility in that as I do like to read at night. Still it just feel like he would rather look and research restoring old houses rather that sex. I am clearly not that exciting to him at all. I feel really taken for granted. I know he loves me but I don't feel appreciated at all. I kinda blew up finally. I was crying and piling all my clothes because I needed to go to the laundromat (since we can't plug in our washer and dryer in our apt) and it was just terrible. We did finally go to lunch and visit a new board game store but it just felt like the only reason he did anything was because I bitched about it.

I have really been trying to be positive and be supportive, encouraging and everything. I just felt so unimportant to him. I know he doesn't mean it to come off that way but it did and does often. Even my aunt sent me a mothers day gift. She did more to appreciate me than my own husband. I just feel like he still thinks about himself more than others. At his most basic level he seems to be self centered and I just feel like the kids and I are in the shadows along for the ride unless I make a big stink about it. I was hoping him removing porn from his life would help with this part of himself. Apparently not. He really is just an ass sometimes....lately its often. All of the things I said were important to me regarding this move have been side barred for his wants and needs. He didn't even notice to apologize.

He has been porn free for almost a year. At what point do you realize that porn or no porn, you are really just married to an asshole. I guess I need to figure out where I fit in this life and if this is really what I want to commit my life to. Cause right now I am living with no family near by, no friends, and I am just in the shadows of someone else's dream. That is not want I want for myself or my kids.
« Last Edit: May 15, 2017, 10:28:22 AM by aquarius25 »

Gracie

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #179 on: May 15, 2017, 01:04:42 PM »
I know I will sound like a broken record.  And trust me, every suggestion I make about healing has had a lot of tears sometimes for bot of us, but we do have a sense of moving forward. 

One of the best things we did was say sex every other day.  I know for some that is more often than can be managed, but when I used to see schedule sex, I was like pfft, it needs to be turn on time.  However, what ever interval you pick, makes it freeing.   

The other is get the book Hold Me Tight.  Like I said elswhere, I read it out loud and we both talk as I go along.  This weekend was the three demon dialogues.  And I was headed right down the rabbit hole.  She calls it the Protest Polka, I call it Poke the Bear.  And as I got caught up in the dance my husband responded with how can we stop?  Then he said, how do we stop the dance?  And that made me see it differently.  I realized I poke the bear same way every time and expect a new result.  Well that aint happening.  So I asked for his help.

Read about Emotionally Focused Therapy.  It helps sooo much.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #180 on: May 16, 2017, 10:09:03 AM »
Thank you Gracie for your input and support. You are always so helpful!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #181 on: May 17, 2017, 09:22:28 AM »
Well its been a few days since our mother's day blowup. I have talk to him about all of  this and he agrees that he is completely self centered. We both looked back over the last decade and he started to see how all of the things he has done for me were things of inconvenience. He wanted to do them anyway and might as well kill two bird with one stone so to say. He said he understood and that he wants to work on it but here is the thing. I really don't believe him and I am also realizing how I am caring less and less. I am at a point where he is my friend. He really is a great person, he is the father to my children, sure he isn't perfect but I could certainly do a lot worse. Its just if I want to have an emotional connection with him on an intimate level I have to hold his hand and parent him through it. Well that's not sexy. Nope. Its not attractive to me to have to parent a man through the process of treating me like I am important. Shouldn't I just be important to him and it moves him so much that he want to do things to show me that love? It should delight him to see me happy, That is always how I have treated him. I have sacrificed so much of myself and my life so he could live his dream, I wanted him to be happy because I love him. Clearly he experiences love differently. I am not attracted to this dynamic at all!

I love him, he is my best friend. I am glad that he is working on himself and I want to support him in improving in that. I have no desire to break apart my family and leave. Over all my life is pretty great. I just need to except him as he is. I need to let go  of the notion that this will improve and I need to not rely on him for my emotional support. Let me be clear, I am not planning on having an affair or anything like that. Frankly that is way more drama than I care for at all, not to mention wrong. I would rather just leave than stir that pot. I just feel like I need to learn to invest in good friendship and learn how to me more self reliant for my emotional well being. I am starting to feel like my marriage is more of a friendship and less of a marriage. I am at a point where I am pretty sure he is being honest and not looking at porn but if he isn't, I don't know that I care. I am over it. We have been doing this for almost a year now and the most basic things I was hoping to see change haven't. Sure his dick works ok. I could give two shits about that frankly. I wanted a partner. I got another child. I am committed to this marriage. But it is more out of convenience and my love for my best friend. I love him, I am just not "in love" with him. It is hard to feel passion for someone who you struggle to respect. I am there now. I hope it gets better, I am just not going to hold my breath on this one. In the mean time and am just going to start following my dreams and he can figure out how to deal with the rest. I have supported him for over half my life, if he doesn't want to support me then maybe I don't need his support? I will start prioritizing my need for myself. I have always felt guilty about it. Last fall I took a Jewry making class and loved it. I even got some supplies to start making some things and I haven't touched it since November. I think I will start pulling that crap out! We don't have room at our apt but I am sure I can find some space somewhere. I have always wanted to travel out of the US. We went to the UK for our honeymoon 13 years ago. I am going to renew my passport and maybe I will take a trip with the kids. I don't need him for me to achieve my dreams.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #182 on: May 17, 2017, 06:23:02 PM »
Well we have been talking a bit since our last discussion. One of the other partners sent me a video to show him. It is a sex addiction counselor who made a video helping men understand how to support their partner through the partners recovery. It was not about the PA but about the PA understanding the partner. Well he watched it and we talked later. One thing he said was that he didn't fully realize that this is a life long fight. Everything made sense to me in that moment. He has been under the misconception that he can work on him self and just be over it, and I should too. Like he makes a check list and then does everything on the list and then he is recovered, done. I don't think he ever realized that he is an addict. He will always carry that tendency and I also don't think he fully realized the severity of his addiction. I do think there have been moments when he realized the severity of my hurt. I think those moments were like waves, they come and go. He sees and understands that I am hurt but I think part of him feels like I should be getting over it by now. I think because he never relapsed that he feels he wasn't that addicted. Well he was/is!!!! The man experienced PIED for over 10 years!!!! He would lie and hide for over a decade and he thinks it "wasn't that bad"?!?! 

He agreed that yes he was starting to understand the severity of the problem. He sees how he has done a lot wrong over the past year and again he is apologizing to me about the hurt he caused. Again he is saying that he will "try harder". I am not even sure what that means, lol, also not sure I care. Just so frustrating to be doing so well and come so far just to realize you are right back at the beginning. He would read articles about PA and literally think that some of the things relate but that he wasn't really that bad. So much arrogance! Yuck.

I know he means well. I know he is trying, even though it is a pathetic effort. I know that he does love me as much as he knows how to love. I know he is my best friend. I know he is the father to my kids. I know he is not a terrible father, in fact he is pretty good. SO for all of those reasons I am still here, and still committed. It just sucks.  I am so frustrated.

I don't want it to sound like I am discrediting all of his progress but more that yes he stopped looking at porn, yes in moments he has tried to understand my pain, and he has tried to find why he started looking at porn but he never took full ownership of what it means to be an addict and because of that  he not only can't fully heal himself. But he also can't really be much of a support to me either. When he diminishes his addiction, it feels like he is diminishing the hurt I am feeling too.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #183 on: May 19, 2017, 09:00:25 AM »
Things are starting to get a little better. He is slowing becoming more and more aware of just how much of his life has been effected by this. He is going to start going to a support group here next week. I think meeting other PA's in person on a weekly basis will be really great. I am hoping that it will help him stay focused and have some accountability for his recovery, aside from just me. Also it would be great if he had some friends who understand what its like and can be supportive. For me, I can see that I am still a bit on the depressed side. I think there has just been a ton of changes and this past week was a big trigger. Also we have the D-day anniversary looming and I think it has made me more sensitive. I am really glad and proud of his progress of being able to not look at porn for a year. That is a big deal, really. But there still is a long way to go as far as everything else. He still battles some severe performance anxiety and it makes intimacy difficult. I think he has moved past PIED and on the Performance anxiety. He says he doesn't know but he is really in his head about...well everything, lol. I am going to get some counseling to help me process everything. Hoping that maybe we will both start improving.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #184 on: May 22, 2017, 01:40:41 PM »
So far things are ok. The hubby is still trying to stay focused and keep up with his word and commitments. I feel like after a blow up he really does good for about two weeks. So i am kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop. We shall see. Other than that the weekend was great. Got my bake on over the weekend and made Cinnamon Rolls and ham&Cheese rolls with the kids. They seemed to really enjoy getting in the kitchen with me. So far just hanging in there. The hubby has his fist PA meeting tonight and I can tell he is a little nervous since its a real group that meets in person. I am glad that he is going.

malando

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #185 on: May 22, 2017, 02:35:53 PM »
Sounds good, A25. Be happy wherever and whenever you can - baking sounds fun. Take it one day at a time, see how it goes. Things can improve further - and don't forget the gains you've both made.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #186 on: May 24, 2017, 07:30:00 PM »
Thank you again Malando, you are a great encouragement.

The meeting went well for my husband and he says he is committed to continuing to go. I guess only time will tell if this sticks or not. I am going to try and remain hopeful because frankly being filled with suspicion only hurts myself. I am learning to draw better boundaries and learning what those boundaries might be. Seems like sometimes you don't realize an area needs a boundary until your are already experiencing the hurt from the lack of one. Does that even make sense?

As for myself, well honestly I am feeling a little lost. I just don't seem to feel like myself for some reason and when I don't feel right making new relationships is difficult. I find I am quite a homebody as of late. I have been trying. I make sure to get one at least once a day and go to the gym to a group class and socialize a bit. I just feel like I don't really know who I am much anymore. I am trying to figure it out, there is just a part of me that feels forever changed an I am not sure how to sit with it. I am working on trying to rediscover myself it is just really hard. Our business requires creativity out of me and I am so far from inspired. I am trying but my concepts and ideas feel very forced.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #187 on: May 26, 2017, 09:00:42 AM »
Well another week has pasted. So far things here are pretty uneventful. Our house closing has been delayed but should be closing finally in the next few weeks. We are pretty ready to to buy a house in our new place. This apartment is getting pretty small and crowded. Even the kids are ready for some more room. They are ready to unpack the rest of their toys and things. O well hopefully the next two weeks will fly by.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #188 on: May 30, 2017, 07:44:57 AM »
Well we had a pretty good holiday weekend. I finally started getting a little more social and opening up to a few ladies that I like alright. Overall is was a fun weekend. Found out that our house in Oregon in finally going to close in the next two weeks!!! I am so excited because that means we can finally buy a house here and move out of this apt! That is so relieving!

Over the weekend the hubby and I had a conversation about sacrifices made in our relationship, not even about porn. He expressed some guilt for some of the things I have given up for him and he acknowledged how he does see that it hasn't been fair. I gave up my education for him to receive his. By the time we was done we had kids and all that comes with it.  I had never really herd him verbalize that he saw and understood that. It was nice to know that he does see these things and cares. It made me feel good to know he understands. That was a big step for him.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #189 on: May 31, 2017, 10:07:19 AM »
I have been working through a 12 step book designed specifically for partners. It is really great! I can see how far I have come and areas where I need more work. There are exercises and things it has me do and they have been helping my mood and overall mental health a lot. Overall I feel like I am in a lot better place. I have also been doing some research and considering changing some of our homeschooling curriculum. There are a lot more resources in this area so it is exciting to try something new.

malando

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #190 on: June 01, 2017, 09:15:58 AM »
I have been working through a 12 step book designed specifically for partners. It is really great! I can see how far I have come and areas where I need more work. There are exercises and things it has me do and they have been helping my mood and overall mental health a lot. Overall I feel like I am in a lot better place. I have also been doing some research and considering changing some of our homeschooling curriculum. There are a lot more resources in this area so it is exciting to try something new.

That's great to hear, Aquarius. Sometimes you just have to let things ride for a bit, then wait for your gumption to come back - and you've got plenty of that! Sounds like the worst is behind you now. :)

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #191 on: June 02, 2017, 09:32:47 AM »
Arg! Kids are so horrible!!!! They can be so mean! My son was trying out for a travelling soccer team. He is 9 but his birthday is in December so he is the youngest and smallest kid out there. Anyway there are 27 kids trying for 20 spots so not all the kids will make it. They divided the kids up and were having them scrimmage. Well none of the kids would pass to my son because they didn't know him. He would be wide open and in perfect position and they wouldn't even consider it. Then he would be aggressive and get the ball and as soon as he got it all the kids would scream at him to pass it. So he didn't really get to show much of his skill. He is a really good player and I could see just how frustrated he was. Finally, near the end, he ignored the team and just scored a goal, the coaches weren't even looking. He was so disheartened. It's a two-day tryout so he is going back today. I am hoping and praying that it goes better. He is keeping his head up and he said he is just going to do his best but he said he isn't sure if he will make the team. My heart is just crushed for him. Even on the water breaks, the kids didn't even talk to him. They just clumped amongst themselves. He is having a really hard time fitting in. There is a local rec league here that he could play on he has just had bad experiences on those cause he is a really good player and he ends up scoring a ton. He said he wanted a team that will challenge him. He really had his hopes up for this. I am just so sad for him. Hoping and praying tonight goes better. He is such a good kids and he just loves everything about the game.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #192 on: June 05, 2017, 07:22:26 AM »
Well, my son completed his second day of soccer tryouts. He gave it everything he had. He played so well! He was super aggressive and scored several goals. He showed great footwork too. He wasn't the best out there but by no means the worst either. He definitely showed the most passion and spirit. It was crazy hot and when the other kids were tiring and slowing down he just kept pushing. I could see how much he wanted this. In the end, it appears to be a good ol boys club. He didn't make the team because he is an outsider. Sucks for your kid to experience politics like that at 9 but o well. He will be stronger and learn from this. As a mom I am so sad for him. I could see how hard he tried and just how crushed he was but I also know this is an important lesson and I can't shield him the world. I can only love him and encourage. By the end of the weekend, he pulled his soccer ball out again and started playing in the back yard. Said he would try out next year and that he will keep playing and make sure to be even better. I can see that it wasn't his skill that caused him to not make it but I am glad that this experience didn't make him want to quit but rather made him want to be better.
« Last Edit: June 06, 2017, 03:03:20 PM by aquarius25 »

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #193 on: June 06, 2017, 03:07:06 PM »
Owning your own business and homeschooling makes all the days just blend together. I feel like I have no barring sometimes on what day of the week it is, lol. Every day feels like Friday and Monday all at once. SO far things are going alright. I have started a 12 step program designed for partners and it has me fill out a bunch of stuff. I have to go back through this last year and list my feelings from d-day to where I am now. It is interesting to see where I have improved and in areas that I have sorta stalled. Overall I think it will be a good thing. The kids are starting to finally make some friends and get out a little more so they are excited about that and life feels like it is starting to fall into place.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #194 on: June 07, 2017, 08:52:44 AM »
I am trying to post daily as part of the 12 step for partners program I am working though. I am reading the book and doing some exercises on my own as the group didn't seem like a good fit. It has been interesting to reflect on this last year and see the areas where real progress has been made. Also to see the areas where I overlooked and tried to hide, or disregard and how those wounds have festered. I am hoping by going through all the cobwebs of my heart that and dealing with everything that I will find more peace with everything. I feel like I have experienced moments of peace, but they are fleeting. I would really like to come to some sort of stability with this experience.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #195 on: June 09, 2017, 02:07:31 PM »
Not a whole lot new so not much to report. It's Friday and our daughter is at Girl Scout camp so I am hoping that we could do something fun with just our son. My hubby wanted to go out with some friends I just don't think that would be much fun for our son, he is 9. He doesn't really have any friends yet so I think he feels a bit lonely. I know my hubby just wanted us to go out and meet people I just felt like dragging our son to a thing with a bunch of grown-ups (that I don't even know if I really even like) isn't really a great way to cheer him up on a Friday night. We will just have to see how it goes, I guess. 

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #196 on: June 12, 2017, 07:23:20 AM »
Overall it was a great weekend. We took our son to a free concert in the park and he had a great time. Then Saturday he went to a new friends house for a slumber party so my hubby and I had our first kid free night in months. It felt weird. We have been here for 2 1/2 months but it still doesn't feel like home. Having my daughter at camp and my son gone just felt odd. I am hoping once we move out of this apt and into a house that is our it will start to feel more home like, I am just not there yet. I wasn't even in the mood for sex. First kid-free moment and I totally ruined it. We really haven't had much sex since we have been here. Some but not enough. It just feels weird, being in a new place that I am still getting comfortable with. Our bedroom in the apt has lots of windows that face windows to other apts and I just feel so weird. Like there is not privacy, lol. I can't explain it, I just can't seem to get in the right headspace. I don't think I am the only reason either. We both have been working and running around a crazy amount and are usually exhausted by the time we get to bed. I know these are just excuses and I need to prioritize it more, it just hasn't been a priority. I am hoping to work on making more of an effort this week.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #197 on: June 13, 2017, 09:54:19 AM »
Well, my husband went to another meeting. I am really surprised with how serious and quite frankly the amount of effort and priority he is putting into this. I don't really want to get my hopes up but at the same time, I want to be encouraging. He seems to be putting our family as his first priority. His remorse seems genuine and he seems to be doing everything he can to heal himself and be a support to me. It is bad to say it weirds me out a bit because I am not used to this person, LOL! Part of me keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop and doesn't want to get hopeful about this progress, but at the same time, I want to celebrate it none the less.  I am glad to see how hard he is trying, it means a lot. I just hope the effort stays for a consistent length of time.

AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #198 on: June 13, 2017, 10:35:15 AM »
I understand feeling weirded out by the sudden change in behavior, like, "wait what's going on?" For me, on the days I see an improvement I let myself enjoy that, but am also remaining cautious in my hopes. I hope he keeps it up!
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #199 on: June 13, 2017, 01:25:47 PM »
So true Anna, thank you for the reminder to stop and enjoy it. I try to appreciate the positives but at times I can get negative. The reminder is good. Every once in a while I will even re-read my journal and see just how far we have come. It is good to do when I feel like I am not getting anywhere. I can go through and see that we have made so much progress even when it doesn't feel like it every day. Little by little things get better and over time is a big difference.