Author Topic: Its a process...I guess.  (Read 52631 times)

Firstbigstep

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #150 on: March 15, 2017, 10:32:40 AM »
I entirely agree.

My father, custodian of the first porn I ever saw, gave me grief for "Sitting in your room playing with yourself" then presented me with one of HIS magazines at Sunday lunch with the family, saying "If you want to read this, why not read it now?"

He also told me, a confused, insecure 17 year old, that if I turned out to be gay, he'd change the terms of his will...

So we've had a few of "the conversation"s with my 11 year old daughter. We've done some sex, some drugs, some personal safety, internet usage, health... but my main aim is to be as honest as seems appropriate at any point. I won't lie, but I don't think she needs to know that her dad had a porn habit. What she does need to know is that porn use can lead to a habit; that sexting is NOT ok, unless you are an item; that No means No; that being gay is ok and a whole lot more. They do grow up fast...

i just hope that I am seen as an honest, open, dependable father for her to ask questions of. Time will tell, I guess.

Good luck with everything you are facing and working through and love to your family.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #151 on: March 15, 2017, 03:48:04 PM »
StartingoffNew & FirstBigStep,
thank you for your insight! I very much appreciate hearing others experiences. I am sorry for your past experiences and hope that you can find some peace and know that you can't change the past but from today forward you can start a new and have a more healthy perspective of yourself and your sexuality. I really pray for great recoveries for both of you!

My husband and I talked and we actually plan on telling the kids when they are older. We want them to know we are human and we screw up. Even their dad. We want them to be able to talk to us about anything and know we are not going to judge them, but just love and encourage them to a better future. We also want them to understand that it can happen to anyone and to understand the importance of the impact porn can have. Obviously they would need to be a lot older but honesty is important. No matter where they go or what they do I want my kids to know that I love them deeply and they need not be ashamed with me. I just want them to feel loved.

Gracie

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #152 on: March 15, 2017, 06:38:08 PM »
On talking too your kids, even if they are an item.  Once your child hits send, it is no longer their picture.  The other person can share it however they want.  As parents of young ones, watch Audrie and Daisy on Netflix.  If you have any college age or about to be in college watch The Hunting Ground.

Firstbigstep

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #153 on: March 15, 2017, 10:25:30 PM »
Thanks for the heads up on those resources - I will check them out. And yes, I agree re sexting, though I have done it with a partner I trusted...and as far as I know, that trust has not been betrayed.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #154 on: March 16, 2017, 11:00:42 AM »
Great point Gracie!!! My kids don't have any electronics with Cameras right now but I know its only a matter of time, lol.

Life is still racing by. The move is fast approaching and we are hurrying around to get everything done and say last good byes to friends. As far as this healing progress goes I feel like I am in a really great  place. I am hopeful, I see a future for my family and with my husband, and I feel more love for him than I have for a long number of years. I am not in anyway thankful for my husbands addiction but I am thankful for him stepping out and dealing with it. I see the progress he has made and who he is becoming and I am proud of that work. I feel like I could sit in a place where I could say that he should have been this all along and he should have been this person from the beginning and yes that is probably true but life isn't always that easy and nobody is perfect. I am glad that he is here now. Rather than looking back at what could have been I find myself looking forward at what is coming. I am excited to be his partner and love him so much. There are still days when I feel sad and he still battles performance anxiety and occasional PIED but we talk about it now. He is supportive in a way he never was before. He has always been my best friend and now I feel like we are closer on a new level and I am glad for that.

malando

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #155 on: March 16, 2017, 12:15:07 PM »
Great point Gracie!!! My kids don't have any electronics with Cameras right now but I know its only a matter of time, lol.

Life is still racing by. The move is fast approaching and we are hurrying around to get everything done and say last good byes to friends. As far as this healing progress goes I feel like I am in a really great  place. I am hopeful, I see a future for my family and with my husband, and I feel more love for him than I have for a long number of years. I am not in anyway thankful for my husbands addiction but I am thankful for him stepping out and dealing with it. I see the progress he has made and who he is becoming and I am proud of that work. I feel like I could sit in a place where I could say that he should have been this all along and he should have been this person from the beginning and yes that is probably true but life isn't always that easy and nobody is perfect. I am glad that he is here now. Rather than looking back at what could have been I find myself looking forward at what is coming. I am excited to be his partner and love him so much. There are still days when I feel sad and he still battles performance anxiety and occasional PIED but we talk about it now. He is supportive in a way he never was before. He has always been my best friend and now I feel like we are closer on a new level and I am glad for that.

Wow, what an inspiring thing to read! Wonderful.  :D

Firstbigstep

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #156 on: March 17, 2017, 05:17:26 AM »
What s fantastic beacon of hope you offer to us all aquarius. You and your husband are a brilliant example of the fact that hard work can get us past this.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #157 on: March 18, 2017, 01:24:46 PM »
Well 12 days till we drive away with moving vans! I am so excited, a little overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done, and so many other things. Mostly excited though! It feels like we are moving to a fresh start. I am happy start off in a new bedroom and have our house set up differently this time. Our current home is small and we had to put our "office" in the corner of our bedroom. Having the computer in the bedroom is defiantly a reminder of my husbands porn addiction. I am looking to set  up our home differently. Having more space to move, have the computer in the living room maybe? Just those little things that can make a big improvement in change in your daily life. I am excited to set up new routines for our family, for myself, and for my marriage. I want to be more mindful of being an encouragement for my husband. He carries a lot on his shoulders. He supports me so much and I want to be sure he is being supported as well. I read a book a years ago called "The kin of Ata are waiting". It was a 70's sci-fi novel. I know I am a total nerd, lol. Anyway in the book there is a village where everyone feeds each other every night. When the main character asked why they said when they fed themselves people when hungry but when they fed each other every left full. That thought process has resonated so much for me. I know it sounds silly but if my husband is emotionally feeding and pouring into me and I in him then we are both supported. With porn I realize that I am giving to him and he was giving to me less and less until he wasn't really giving to me at all. I was starving and he was full. In relationship you have to support the other. If you don't, then it not much of a relationship. I am glad to start this move and the rest of our marriage being more conscious of this in our marriage and work on a more mutually supportive relationship.

Gracie

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #158 on: March 18, 2017, 05:54:18 PM »
What a wonderful read!  You are doing great.  It takes hard work to take care of each other in a marriage!  I love the fill each other up!  So true!  As long as we communicate we can feed each other!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #159 on: March 22, 2017, 01:31:29 PM »
Down to the last week. We have been working like crazy and in the evenings spending the last bit of time with family. It has actually been nice. I have been slacking at the gym a bit though. Only going about 2-3 times a week instead of 5-6 like normal. That has made me feel sluggish. Other than that everything is pretty much the same. Finishing last minute details and getting the packing and organizing done. I am excited for the drive across the country with our kids. Since we have so much stuff with our business and personal we are renting 2 UHauls and towing our vehicles behind them.  We get to drive almost 3000 miles!!! The kids are going to love riding in the big trucks and it will be my first time driving a moving truck. Should be pretty fun. I love adventures so this is right up my alley! I am looking forward to stopping off at random cool sites and just making it a fun and memorable trip.

Gracie

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #160 on: March 30, 2017, 07:45:49 PM »
I hope your move has been going well and the move is all you hope it could be.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #161 on: March 31, 2017, 08:47:11 AM »
Thank you Gracie! Yes the move has been a bit nuts but good. It ended up raining while we were loading the trucks so I fear everything is soaked in there. But overall it's been good. We are thinking it's gonna be about a 6 day drive to get to our new place so we are just taking it one day at a time. I feel a little like the funny farm on wheels. We have two uhauls (one with our stuff and one for the business), two kids one in each truck with us, and in one of our vehicles we have our two cats! It's quite the sight, lol!!! Our kids really haven't been out of the Pacific Northwest much so we are trying to make this drive across country an adventure for them. We just finished day one and so far it's been a lot of fun.

Gracie

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #162 on: March 31, 2017, 09:20:51 AM »
Don't know which route your taking but the canyons in Utah are amazing, so is Grand Canyon.  Assuming you are heading east.  Be safe.  And just think, you have your whole life with you!  My dad was in the Navy so we had a lot of moving.  I always thought of the Okies and the overloaded trucks moving west.  How necessary it was for them to do, but how funny the trucks looked. 

Firstbigstep

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #163 on: April 03, 2017, 07:09:05 AM »
You sound like a modern scene from The Grapes of Wrath - my favourite book ever.

Good luck with everything involved in your move.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #164 on: April 10, 2017, 09:44:26 AM »
Well we made it. Wow that was quite a trip! We drove from the west coast to closer to the east coast. About 2500 miles! The kids did great. Only 2 little squabbles for the entire trip and we didn't even take any screens for them to play with! That felt like a parenting success, lol. Our favorite part may have been in Nebraska when we found a life size replica of Stonehenge made out of cars. It was quite the sight! We saw lots of other amazing sights too, canyons, cool rocks (had to pull over several times and let the kids play). It was a really cool family experience that I am sure our kids will remember for the rest of their life.

We have been in our new town for about a week. It took a bit to get the internet installed and everything unpacked. We are living in an apt to start while we look for a house. It is a lot different. Our kids have never lived in an apt (or even knew what one was, lol) so I feel the need to apologize daily to the people living underneath us. Overall everything is going well. The kids are anxious to make new friends and my husband and I are excited about a fresh start. It feels really great. There is stress that comes up but it is mostly pertaining to the business and everything needed to get it up and running. Our relationship feels really close right now. We have talked about new routines and he has already been starting to change a few of the old habits. He is an introvert for the most part and I am really impressed with his effort to get out and start up conversations with people in order to develop new friendships. It is really outside of his comfort zone so I can appreciate how much effort the is putting into this change. So to sum it up, for the most part life is good and for that I am thankful.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #165 on: April 11, 2017, 12:05:33 PM »
Getting back in the swing of things today. We had taken some time off of homeschooling the kids due to the move so today we are back at it. The kids seem less than excited but they are doing fine. The hubby is a bit overwhelmed today. Not sure quite why as nothing is really different from yesterday but today it has hit him and he isn't handling it well. We had some hiccups with the house close and they have been adding some stress to everything and it seems today it just feels worse for him. There is a lot of work to do at our shop and I can see him spinning his wheels and feeling like he isn't getting anywhere. I have tried to ask what is bothering him and then help with those specific issues. After those things were done then he was still in a sour attitude. Finally I just told him to leave and go somewhere else with his crap ass attitude. If he isn't interested in receiving help then I don't want to be around that and have it drag me and the kids down. I am sure he will figure it out and be better later. I have noticed through this process that yes he has left porn behind but the attitudes that come with it still haunt us. He doesn't transition well from negativity. He seems to sit in it for a while. I know we have a lot on our plate and there is a lot going on. I know he feels the weight and responsibility in that but at some point he has to share that load. I am not interested in being married to a recovered porn addict just to have him be depressed all the time. That is like jumping from one issue to another instead of moving up. O well, I am sure tomorrow will be better.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #166 on: April 12, 2017, 12:35:47 PM »
Well my husband was in a much better mood this morning thankfully! We went to our new shop space and made a ton of progress on getting everything set up. Its no where near done but still its nice to see and appreciate the progress. On the drive back to where we are staying I was noticing that the weather is changing and for the first time in a while I got scared. Its been in the high 70's for the past few days and now there are runners with short shorts on and girls are starting to bust out the skirts and such. My husband has a huge leg fetish, like its a big thing for him. He started his reboot at the end of May last year and those summer months were really hard. For the first time in a long time I was actually nervous that he was going to fall into old habits now that the weather is changing. My mind wants to think that maybe all the progress he has made is simply due to it being colder all year and now that the sun is back he is going to become that jerk to oogles every pair of legs he sees only to go home and start jerking off to leg crap again. All of this fear builds up in me. I can't get upset with these ladies as I wear short shorts too. I do crossfit and wear booty shorts cause its hot and they are great for working out in! I get it. My hope is that this summer will be better than the last. That he can control himself and not be a pig about it. I have always figured you can't help the first look cause you don't even know its coming but you can control weather you have a second look. And he can most certainly control weather to whip out his dick and masturbate to porn that he had to hunt down on the stupid computer! Ugg so frustrating. I feel like I was doing so well and then, wham, back to day one. I really hate that, I just want to be over this!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #167 on: April 13, 2017, 11:38:16 AM »
Well today is much better. We talked and I feel a lot better. Life here is finally settling into some sort of routine. I still get lost all the time and all but overall things are coming together. Started the kids homeschooling again and glad to have them back into their schedule since they really like that stability. Looking forward to starting up crossfit again next week. I feel like it has been way too long since I have worked out. I think it will help lift my mood a bit too. LOL Also today I am starting a new project to learn some computer programs that would be hugely beneficial to our business, namely adobe Illustrator. First off I am so terrible at technology that I don't even use itunes, for real! So this is way outside my comfort zone but I am excited to try out something new and grow in a new area. So on that note any of you who are actually reading this and a pro at that feel free to PM me so I know who to ask questions, lol. My hubby has been doing a great job of stepping outside his comfort zone and making changes so I wanted to as well.

Also another thing I wanted to mention was a big thank you to this community. It has really been so beneficial to my healing and progress!!! There are no words for how much I have appreciated the support, thought, comments, and encouragement received. Even those who disagree, their different perspective has helped me really figure out what I think, believe, and my thoughts on things. So thank you so much! I just hope I can be a difference for someone in the way you all have been for me.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #168 on: April 18, 2017, 07:34:54 AM »
So far things are going good. We had a fun and relaxing holiday weekend. Tried out a new church and met some people that were very nice. Our kids were excited to meet new friends and we even got into on scouts for them. They have been missing their old scout groups so it great that they are going to be able to start up again. I started at a new gym and boy is it hard to come back after taking almost a month off. Man the muscle and endurance goes fast! LOL. I am a little sore today. Thankfully it should take long to get back into the swing of it.

Things with my hubby are going good. We are communicating very well (at least I think, lol) and both of us seem to be handling the stress of everything pretty good. I am very thankful for everything right now and for all of the progress we have made.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #169 on: April 26, 2017, 09:59:27 AM »
Finally feels like we are getting settles pretty well here. Boy that was fast. We are still in an apt and it looks like the house we are looking at is more of a "fixer project" than a home so it looks like we will be in this apt for a while. I am trying to get  more comfortable with that idea. I know in the long run we will be happy with this decision as we will be buying a house with cash and no mortgage but right now I am getting a little tired of apt living and we have only been here about a month, lol! This should be interesting.

Things between my hubby and I are going ok. We are continuing to learn and work on communication. I think it is a never ending process. He is learning a lot about himself. Its really strange. As he continues to dig into the deeper issues of his "why" he is learning so much about himself. Sometimes I feel like I am with an entire new person. He is enjoying activities he never used to before. He is more outgoing and talkative with people. Most of it is good but there are some things I am not as excited about. But hey no one is perfect right? I am just learning to accept this new version of him. I will admit that I do still get upset that this is even an issue. Sometimes I feel robbed, and angry at the entire situation and the last 13 years of my life. But then I look at my kids and everything else, I remember who he is and how he is becoming and I don't regret my decision to stick it out. Life is never easy but it can be joyful if we focus on it.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #170 on: April 27, 2017, 08:51:52 AM »
Ok I have a terrible confession.... I am in love with books. Its true and frankly getting a little out of hand. My husband and I haven't had sex in a bit and honestly it's my fault. Every time we get a moment all I want to do is read, lol. I had to apologize to him last night. I feel a little bad but the book is soooo good!

malando

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #171 on: April 27, 2017, 09:39:58 AM »
Ok I have a terrible confession.... I am in love with books. Its true and frankly getting a little out of hand. My husband and I haven't had sex in a bit and honestly it's my fault. Every time we get a moment all I want to do is read, lol. I had to apologize to him last night. I feel a little bad but the book is soooo good!

Lol, at least it's not erotic books! ;)

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #172 on: April 27, 2017, 01:26:56 PM »
Hahaha!!! No not that kind of book, lol!!! Just good ol fashion fantasy with dragons and lots of fighting. I know I am like a kid. LOL!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #173 on: April 29, 2017, 11:39:55 AM »
We had a great time yesterday with some new friends who have a kid around the same age as our kids. We went to an ice cream dairy and the kids loved it. Today I am taking them ice skating (they have only tried it 2 times before but both times they just took off and left me in the dust). Should be a fun afternoon. Our family is settling into a norm and it feels good. My husband, is helpful, attentive, and very present in our lives now. It feels like he is part of the family instead of on the outside and we are all walking on egg shells around him. He feels like a center piece of our family now.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #174 on: May 04, 2017, 07:34:15 AM »
And life ticks on. So far things are settling down. We have had some issues on the house front and the sale of our house back home has fell through because the buyer lied about his income and his mortgage agent and realtor tried to help him cover it up! So upsetting on many levels. I have noticed that when I am lied to I get way more upset than I used to. Anyway we found out and decided to pull out of the sale. They kept asking for more extensions and blaming it on underwriting. Even before our house was relisted we already had another offer for the exact same amount waiting. The new buyers have supplied verification that they do have the funds to buy, lol. Also our realtor knows the family so she trusts them. Thank goodness. Now we just have to wait another month for closing again! Frustrating, so very frustrating to pay for the move, our rent here and a house across the country!!!

We have been visiting churches in the new town. Last Sunday we went to one that both my husband and I really enjoyed. After we came home and I was prepping dinner and telling him how much I liked it and wanted to make it our home church and he agreed he liked it but wanted more confirmation. I looked down at the handout they gave us and noticed they have a support group for men with porn addiction. He was shocked as that is very specific. We decided to set a time to meet with the pastor to get more info on their church and a better idea of their stance on things but I am hopeful. It would be nice to find a place to be part of instead of continuing to always be new every Sunday.