Author Topic: Its a process...I guess.  (Read 51860 times)

malando

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #125 on: February 16, 2017, 06:45:31 PM »
Yeah, house stuff is very draining!

I've come across multiple spiritual belief systems that are very strong on the idea of emotions being an ephemeral thing and the importance of not making them into monuments or thinking they are reality. They flow in and they flow out. It's important to acknowledge them and then let them flow out of you. Think of them like a river - you can't control what comes down the river, but you can let them flow by without grabbing hold of them.

You and your husband are doing great - I really can't see how you two could have handled things much better. Remember to acknowledge your amazing progress on a regular basis!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #126 on: February 18, 2017, 06:21:03 PM »
JKS, you are totally right. Also, OMG!!!! I would back probably pissed my pants if I was on that plane. You are one brave woman!

Malando, Thank you for your encouragement. I really appreciate your support and perspective.

I met with another friend this morning. She was again another one of the hubbies fav spank bank friends. Yeah, I have about 50 friends and literally I think only 5 that he didn't masturbate too. There are days when I wonder how his dick is still attached to his body with all the yanking on it he did, lol!!! Anyway she is going through a really difficult divorce and needed encouragement. I tend to be a bit of the "strong one" with my friends. Most of them come to me for support or advise, which is crazy cause I just feel like I am bumbling through life 90% of the time. LOL! Anyway it felt good to be an encouragement to her even though I was hurting I was still able to be supportive and not allow my hurt to hinder helping her. That felt good.

Over all things are good. Really excited about the move!!! We reserved the moving trucks and are trying to get the closing date moved up a week. We are just too excited! Even the kids are excited to move. That makes me really happy cause I was worried for them but they are handling everything amazingly!

One thing I have noticed that has bother me quite a bit is this forum. I know other partners have felt the same way. Honestly there is no solution but I have to be honest that the PA's with partners who choose to hide and lie and then say its for a noble cause like saving their partner from hurt...well frankly it pisses me off! Especially when they encourage others to do the same! I understand that each person needs to make that decision for themselves but to encourage another recovering person to live their marriage or relationship without integrity, lying to save face is cowardice and reflects low moral character. Why would you encourage and want someone to live that way? That is crazy! They act like it is the save their partner from experiencing hurt but in reality its because they don't want to see their partner hurt and know they are responsible for it. They don't want to take full responsibility for their actions and as such they are still living the same attitudes that got them addicted in the first place. That is not the road to recovery. Marriage and well frankly all relationships are founded on trust. They aren't living that. They are just being manipulative. Their partners are living in a false reality because of this. Anytime their wife says I love you  it is not too them, its to the illusion they have built. That is not love, its just sad. Its one thing to choose that for your own relationship because  you are too scared to take full ownership of your actions but to encourage another to do so as well?!? Sad, heartbreaking, and well, just plain pathetic!!!!!

Sorry for the rant. I feel better now, lol.

malando

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #127 on: February 19, 2017, 01:07:38 AM »
One thing I have noticed that has bother me quite a bit is this forum. I know other partners have felt the same way. Honestly there is no solution but I have to be honest that the PA's with partners who choose to hide and lie and then say its for a noble cause like saving their partner from hurt...well frankly it pisses me off! Especially when they encourage others to do the same! I understand that each person needs to make that decision for themselves but to encourage another recovering person to live their marriage or relationship without integrity, lying to save face is cowardice and reflects low moral character. Why would you encourage and want someone to live that way? That is crazy! They act like it is the save their partner from experiencing hurt but in reality its because they don't want to see their partner hurt and know they are responsible for it. They don't want to take full responsibility for their actions and as such they are still living the same attitudes that got them addicted in the first place. That is not the road to recovery. Marriage and well frankly all relationships are founded on trust. They aren't living that. They are just being manipulative. Their partners are living in a false reality because of this. Anytime their wife says I love you  it is not too them, its to the illusion they have built. That is not love, its just sad. Its one thing to choose that for your own relationship because  you are too scared to take full ownership of your actions but to encourage another to do so as well?!? Sad, heartbreaking, and well, just plain pathetic!!!!!

Sorry for the rant. I feel better now, lol.

I totally agree! I let rip on a guy on the 40+ forum recently. He was acting like he was trying really hard and somehow thought he deserved credit for not using porn when he's out there using "hookup" sites to have sex with random women (and of course, browsing for women on Tinder is actually porn, IMO) Oh, you poor thing, it must be so hard for you! And all while claiming his "marriage is good" and how he has great sex with his wife. I find his attitude utterly offensive and no part of me has any sympathy for his bullshit. I just thought, the damn arrogance of this jerk! His wife has no idea what a creep she is married to, and he'll never give her the chance to find out. What a loser. Thinks he's special enough that she would want to keep hold of him, yet won't actually tell her who he really is. And of course, putting her health and potentially her life in jeopardy by possibly bringing home some vile STDs. Guys like this just make me want to reach through the screen and throttle them. It wouldn't even occur to a guy like this that his wife deserves honesty and to know who husband really is. 

That was probably the worst I've seen, but some of the stuff being posted is pretty disheartening. I don't read much of it anymore. I give the occasional ignorant fool a strong rebuke, but mostly I tend to follow certain people who I think really are trying and offer my support.

Rant over...


aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #128 on: February 20, 2017, 12:03:53 AM »
Malando I completely understand and agree, lol!

The weekend went well. We had some great family time. Went swimming with the kids and had a movie night. Ended with an epic game of Risk with our son. Another things we did was have "the talk" with the kids. We have had pieces of of the talk but we finally had the full conversation about sex with them. Initially I felt they were too young but quite a few of their friends know and I have heard kids talking. Our kids have asked questions a few times so we figured I would rather talk to them instead of have their friends "educate them". I think it went well. They seemed to be ok and they agreed that they felt comfortable talking with us. They were also totally grossed out that their parents have had sex, lol. They were a little surprised with how babies are made, lol. My hubby and I also decided to put blockers on our computers. He hasn't really needed them but I think while the kids are growing and starting to learn to google and starting to research topics of interest I think it is best. My daughter loves kittens, I really would hate to have her youtube that, lol!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #129 on: February 22, 2017, 01:25:24 AM »
Well things are coming along. The house process has had some unexpected hiccups and we are sorting them out. The stress has been building quite a bit. I have been struggling with my mood. I am not sure what exactly triggered it but I seem to be in a funk and having a hard time pulling out. I was talking the other day about my husbands progress and and about this experiences as a whole and my mind could help but reflect on the fact that I don't seem to be a priority to him. I know he loves me very much. I am not saying that he doesn't care about be. More the fact that over the years of our marriage there were a few occasions that I caught him and expressed  my feelings about it. It never seemed to be enough of a wake up call for him. It wasn't until it looked like he was actually cheating that he confessed to everything and and was finally honest with me. He is a great father, the fact that he could loose him family was the wake up call for him. I am just, I guess, sorta grieving the fact that I wasn't ever that wake up call for him. He has been my best friend and I have always regarded him as such and it just feels like while he was my best friend, I am realizing for most of our marriage I wasn't his.

Another thing that has bother me has been the security factor. We own a business together and i do play a role in it but he does a lot of the work. Mainly that is because I do a lot of the homeschooling and everything else to keep the house and life going. I am the one driving the kids to soccer and ballet and everything. Over the course of our marriage I have been picking up odd jobs and things while taking care of our kids. He is the one that got a career. I just feel very useless. If our business ever closed he can go get a job no problem. I don't have that. My best bet is some sort of minimum wage. It just makes me feel like I can't contribute to the same capacity. What am I? An over glorified babysitter? If I ever had decided to leave I really couldn't cause I don't have a way to support myself. That is a really terrible feeling. I have considered going back to school but it is never an option or a priority. Everything else takes prescient like the kids, business, family, my husbands job. I never seem to be a priority or the moment never seems to be the right time to invest in me. 

I know this feeling will hopefully fade but for right now it is just a crappy feeling.

Firstbigstep

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #130 on: February 22, 2017, 07:47:45 AM »
I can empathise with how you feel.

It feels pretty crap to suddenly not be a parent, too. I'd give anything for my marriage to have worked. Sure, I can work my ass off and fund my family, but not being with my daughter is the loss of something no amount of money can buy.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #131 on: February 22, 2017, 03:44:27 PM »
Still in a bit of a funk but trying to pull myself out.

Objectified1

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #132 on: February 22, 2017, 10:58:25 PM »
I can relate to how you feel With hubby being the one bringing in all the income. When we depend on them for everything and they are our everything and then this happens we suddenly realize how vulnerable we are and how much we really do depend on them. I felt devastated because it was like
He was my everything because I wanted it that way and I was his what? His something. I felt stupid for leaving myself in the hands of someone who obviously didn't seem to care or see the importance of my life. Who didn't appreciate the choice I made when I said yes and put on his wedding ring. It was a slap in the face. I gave up my life for him.  What did he give up for me? Come
To find out, not too much really. I felt like an obligation. Like I was just an option. The last one to be picked in the gym class sort of thing. Yea he might as well have me, but was I his everything? Not
At all. He wasn't an option to me. He was my everything. I wasn't just with him because it was easy. He swears that's not how it was or is but sure sends that message when he's jerking off to my sisters , the 18 year old at church & countless other people. A year and after after the start of his staggered disclosure & 3 counsellors later and we finally seem to be making a little bit of headway . Praying it continues.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #133 on: February 23, 2017, 05:16:52 PM »
So apparently my journal has become famous, lol. Some poor pathetic loser with no life has decided to post one of the comments here in my journal on a feminist hating site full of a bunch of misogynistic pigs to pick apart. I am not sure what is more sad the fact that  they have nothing to do but read and pick apart my journal? Or the fact that their entire forum screams compensating for so many things. Just as they laugh at me they should know I think they are pretty sadly funny too. O well, just another day in paradise, right?

Below is a link  and also before anyone posts here you should know that my journal is officially being trolled and I wanted to give a heads up. I understand if that makes anyone reading not want to post but I also want to say I appreciate when people do post here. I have really gotten a lot out of the support I have received from all of you! Thank you!

http://forums.avoiceformen.com/showthread.php?20290-Feminist-Rant-of-the-Week!

(the link to my journal is in the #4 comment)

Gracie

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #134 on: February 23, 2017, 05:26:05 PM »
So, we are all famous?  YAY!  Maybe they should know that we all have self esteem and we are not afraid.  I love the "rights" we have that they do not.  They forget they have their precious right to objectify all they want.  Perhaps they can't get a woman and can only fantasize!  Oh well.  I agree he must be a very insecure individual and cannot express his own thoughts unless he can argue.  Got to get that dopamine running somehow. 

We will continue to persevere as we work hand in hand with our husbands in our commitment to our marriages/partnerships.  This is how we know we will succeed it is a joint effort.  Sometimes it is a painful process but my husband and I have learned a lot about each other as we have worked on this addiction.
Power to the Women!


aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #135 on: February 23, 2017, 05:32:24 PM »
Gracie, I couldn't agree more!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #136 on: February 24, 2017, 03:48:52 PM »
Well things are coming along. Finally talked with my husband about my funk and initially it didn't go well at all. He kinda blew up, thus driving home the point I was trying to make, lol. Later, he calmed down and we were able to have a good conversation. I am glad we were able to talk about it. We will probably not do anything until after the move but I am hopeful that things will start to change.

On the house front we have had some major hiccups in the process as the appraisal didn't come back great so now we are trying to figure out plan B. O well, this too will pass. Just trying to take it one day at a time.

StartingOffNew

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #137 on: February 24, 2017, 11:29:58 PM »
I mostly just read the first post and some of the replies. 

But I just wanted to say, thanks for posting this.  The understanding you've shown and love you have for your husband has really touched me and made me feel better about my own potential relationships with women.  It's nice to know there are girls like you out there. 
« Last Edit: February 24, 2017, 11:32:15 PM by StartingOffNew »

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #138 on: February 25, 2017, 11:20:55 AM »
StartingOffNew, Thank you for the kind words. I am not perfect by any means, far from it! I have my rants too, good days and bad, but overall I try to have a positive attitude because in the end that will get you a lot further than a negative one. I really believe that we are each individually responsible for our own happiness .If the environment is bad it is your responsibility to leave. I don't believe in victims, even thought sometimes even I play that card here and there, lol. I know that I am choosing to stay in my marriage, I am committed to my husband, and he is committed to me. We are in this together. It will be a long road but ultimately we will be happier together than we would apart, even though I wanna ring his neck sometimes. 

On a totally different note to anyone reading this who is a crossfit person I just finished 17.1!!!! I am pretty excited about my performance. I finished the WOD in 16:10 rx! I know there are a lot of people with way better time but for me, I worked my ass off! And for anyone who has no clue what this is you can disregard it or google it. It was one hell of a workout! O and my time even beat the hubs, he he he!  ;)

StartingOffNew

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #139 on: February 25, 2017, 11:53:41 PM »
StartingOffNew, Thank you for the kind words. I am not perfect by any means, far from it! I have my rants too, good days and bad, but overall I try to have a positive attitude because in the end that will get you a lot further than a negative one. I really believe that we are each individually responsible for our own happiness .If the environment is bad it is your responsibility to leave. I don't believe in victims, even thought sometimes even I play that card here and there, lol. I know that I am choosing to stay in my marriage, I am committed to my husband, and he is committed to me. We are in this together. It will be a long road but ultimately we will be happier together than we would apart, even though I wanna ring his neck sometimes. 

I don't expect anyone to be perfect, and the fact that you're trying and care means a lot in my book.  And right, you're not a victim.  The fact that you're trying to make things work is a very proactive and non-victimy thing to you.  It speaks to your strength, not your weakness.  It depends on the situation, of course, but often the easier path is to walk away. 

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #140 on: February 27, 2017, 02:03:51 AM »
Thanks StartingOffNew for the kind words.

Today was long!!! We worked in the shop for 12hrs finishing up an order. I was welding for most of it. Our shop was so cold because of all the metal and I still managed to burn myself a few times even through all the layers of clothes, lol. Well at least we made some good progress. Almost done and getting ready to ship out. Feels good to be productive. I am exhausted!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #141 on: March 01, 2017, 12:06:23 PM »
Well the last few days have been crazy. Finishing up some orders and then had too go out of town to deliver. It was nice to spend some time on the road with the hubby. We were able to talk about all the changes and everything. He don't really initiate conversation and when there is a lot going on then I find we don't really connect as much. So this drive was nice. I know he has a lot of anxiety about his PIED. I feel like its getting better and I have no complained but he get so in his head about everything. I don't understand the anxiety but I also know that he is going to do what he does. I ask him what I can do to help and he never has any answers. I just need to let him sort this one out I guess.

Firstbigstep

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #142 on: March 02, 2017, 12:12:54 PM »
Hi aquarius,

It must be very frustrating for you at times. For me, I had no idea I even had my problem until I had a Eureka moment. To fond out that you are and addict and that you suffer from PIED in any other way is probably a really difficult thing to come to terms with.

I feel really lucky that it hit me like a ton of bricks - I just wish it had happened about 20 years ago. It didn't, so I am where I am.

Rest assured, you have support here.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #143 on: March 02, 2017, 02:59:00 PM »
FBS, thank you for your understanding. It is difficult but things have been getting better since our talk. I can see how hard he is trying and how much he so very wants to makes this part of our marriage a success too. He is defiantly stepping out of his comfort zone and I am stepping out of mine to meet him there. Hey isn't that what marriage is about? Meeting half way, right? I am just glad to see us opening up, talking, communicating, and working on this together. I am really appreciating the progress that has been made over the past 10 months. Especially considering that there was a time I wasn't even sure if we were going to make it through this. SO this is nothing short of miraculous.

Gracie

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #144 on: March 02, 2017, 03:23:07 PM »
I agree, to get on the other side of this with my husband was a miracle!

Firstbigstep

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #145 on: March 02, 2017, 11:37:10 PM »
Congratulations to all of you who have successfully navigated your way through the turbulent waters of this addiction and recovery with your marriages intact.

Sadly, mine failed before I found this site.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2017, 09:59:34 AM by Firstbigstep »
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #146 on: March 06, 2017, 06:03:59 PM »
Well so far life feels really good. We went out of town this weekend and had a fantastic time. We have been trying to get in one last visit to some of our favorite places before we leave this beautiful state. This weekend was really fantastic. My husband and I both remarked at how much we enjoy spending time just with our family. Just us and the kids. Both of our extended families are over here so we are usually overwhelmed with family and friends all the time. We have been slowly pulling away from a lot of that chaos. It feels really great. We officially leave at the end of the month and time feel like it is flying by and the move is fast approaching. I have been trying to be respectful to my friends who are sad and going to miss us. I tell them I'm and sad to miss them too, but if I am going to be truly honest I don't really feel much connection to anyone anymore. I am just excited to get out of here! I know that sounds terrible but it is the truth of how I am feeling. I am sure after a bit of time that I will feel sad and miss a few people but overall a lot of my relationships have just been tainted by porn and I am so over all the reminders.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #147 on: March 12, 2017, 12:14:10 PM »
Well just over two weeks till the big move! We have been slammed with orders with our business so in addition to trying to say our goodbye to friends and pack we are also trying to wrap up orders and get them shipped before we leave. It is nuts! Busy is good when you own your own business but it is also crazy, lol. The hubby is doing his best to keep the stress at bay. There have been a few times where it has come out in less than positive ways but over all we are doing fairly well considering the high stress situation. Even the kids have had great attitudes! Only a few tears so far but I am expecting more to come when we pull away. They have a of friends they will miss but kids make new friends so much easier than adults do....especially these two!

I took the kids swimming yesterday with a friends (one of the friends who was in the top ten of spank bank FB material). Her kids and ours are really close and she wanted to take them to an indoor water park to do something fun one last time. There were a few moments when I started to let  my emotions creep up but knowing that these outings are going to be few and far between I just reminded myself of all of the work we have done and that the move is coming and the day went well. I am really looking forward to having friendships with new friends.....ones my husband hasn't lusted after, hasn't touched himself and stroked his hard penis,  and fantasized about, ones that the mire image of don't bring him to cum while I was in bed sleeping. Yes I would very much like friendships without that!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #148 on: March 13, 2017, 09:15:16 PM »
Well today was an interesting day. I was trying to get started on some of the packing and my kiddos were playing as they had finished most of their school work. Anyway my son stopped at one point and asked me about sex. We had "the talk" with them a little while back but not in too much detail, mostly just covered the main points and answered any of their questions. Anyway today he had more questions. I know that when we did the talk we told them it is was to ask us questions later and not to ever feel embarrassed or ashamed of talking with us about it. I was completely caught off guard today when he asked. I made sure to keep it casual and all but inside I was kinda freaking out. I guess I had assumed a few things. One, that my son would take his questions to his dad. I asked him why he wanted to talk to me and he said he felt more comfortable talking to me about it. I felt sad for my husband that had been closed off for so long and I can see how being emotionally closed has not just impacted our relationship but the relationship with his son too. Also I saw my son pondering things in a new way. He is showing signs of becoming a man. He is growing up and it is happening so fast. It broke my heart and yet made me proud all at once. He is 9. I read some of the men's journals and some of them mentions seeing porn for the first time as early as his age. I hate the thought I my son viewing anything like that but in the same breath I know he will see it sometime in his life. I just really hope he makes good choices. What an emotional day.

StartingOffNew

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #149 on: March 14, 2017, 10:40:42 AM »
I think it's great that your son is asking you questions.  I never had that kind of relationship with either of my parents.  I remember once my dad caught me masturbating and he just slammed the door and muttered "sick guy."  Even if they were cool about it, I would have never felt comfortable talking to them about it, even if they broached the subject themselves in a rational way. 

I guess just when you're talking to them, let them know that they need to be safe and that their sexual urges are normal.  If porn comes up, let them know that doing it too much can negatively affect them.  I don't think you should outright tell them it's not allowed, because a)That will make him feel guilty when he does eventually give into his urges, and trust me, he most likely see it at some point and b) I honestly think some experience with masturbation is healthy.  Do it regularly, but not too often, and not to things that are too extreme. 

'Course, an actual conversation is bound to be messier and more complicated than that, so keep your head on a swivel and just try to be honest.  But I think it's also ok if you opted not to answer some questions if they're not in your comfort zone, or just aren't sure how to answer.