Author Topic: Its a process...I guess.  (Read 48876 times)

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #100 on: January 13, 2017, 07:27:43 PM »
Well lots of progress happening. My hubby is home for the weekend which is really great. I feel a huge relief just having him here. He seems to be happy too. I think he has been feeling bad that I am left handling the bulk of the work. We have been making great progress and things are starting to come together. We even have a few people interested in our house and it isn't supposed to be on the market till Feb!

We have been working through things quite well and communicating quite a bit. He hasn't seemed to have any urges and I am working on believing him and taking that step towards trusting him. I recently read through  my journal and it was really great to see how far I have come on this journey. Not sure sure if half of it is rambling or not but this has been an extremely helpful process for me. Although I am convinced that anyone who actually reads this and gets past the first page probably thinks I am crazy, LOL! For anyone who is actually following this process I thank you and where ever you are in your process I am sending you lots of love and blessings.
« Last Edit: January 14, 2017, 10:26:48 PM by aquarius25 »

Fight or Flight

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #101 on: January 15, 2017, 06:25:37 PM »
Aquarius your journal gives me hope :)

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #102 on: January 16, 2017, 12:26:19 AM »
Thanks FoF.

Well this weekends was a lot of work but we got a lot done. Overall it was a good weekend but just like anything two steps forward and...well... more like .5 step back. Not a huge setback but today was hard. Not only was my hubby leaving again this evening but I had a rough day working on the house. I didn't handle it very well and frankly I was a bit of a bitch. Yep, that is the truth, lol. I call it like I see it and I really was. I feel like I over stepped a bit and was not very nice. We did talk through it later but I think he was still a little hurt. I really hate that i did that. I need to take responsibility of my part and need to handle it better when I have having a hard time.

It was hard because in the process of cleaning up the house and finishing all of the uncompleted projects one included my project room. I have a room I added to the back of the house and I built it basically by myself. I even glued 33,000 pennies to the floor with a compass start made of commemorative coins in the center. The walls are mostly windows and and recycled wood layered in all these different shades and its really beautiful. I had the roof made of a metal roof and its insulated but I never finish the rest. So today I was trying to hurry and finish it cause we are selling our house. I wanted to do something cool but settled for a tissue paper ceiling. I was trying to get the tissue paper to work and my mother was trying to help and she kept tearing the paper. I was just feeling so many emotions. Everything from complete frustration with my mother because she never understands anything that is not just normal and boring (sorry to offend anyone). She was complaining and thought the entire idea was stupid (but she thought the pennies were too till she saw them completed). Then everything else just set in all over again. The fact that I am grieving the loss of the desire to maintain my friendships because of porn. The fact that we are moving mainly because of porn. I just with that it had never happened. I wish that he had been honest from the beginning.

Anyway My mother was in the middle of complaining about my husband and how messy he is and how silly the tissue paper is (as she was butchering it) and I just started crying. I lost it and said F*&$ it we can just pain it boring white!!! She apologized and offered to take the kids for the rest of the day. After she left my hubby came in and we talked and I wasn't nice. I said I was looking forward to him leaving. It wasn't even true I just needed some space. I feel like I have put a lot of my heart into that room and I am really proud of it and leaving it is hard. We talked later and I apologized but I am sure it still hurt. I am just sad for the situation. Later this evening when he was leaving I told him I loved him and how sorry I was. Seeing him leave made me miss him already. I just feel terrible that I would even say that.

malando

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #103 on: January 16, 2017, 04:35:38 AM »
Oh Aquarius, you're human and you're under a lot of stress. We make mistakes.
I hope you have a much better day tomorrow.
Exactly this! You are under pressure, A25, your husband knows that. He knows you didn't mean it. He's probably feeling the pinch too - he's probably just more careful about mouthing off now because of all that's happened. Still, it's very honourable of you to own your behaviour. You show a real wisdom and maturity in how you process things. Doesn't mean you won't fly off the handle once in a while, but generally your attitude is great given what you've been through.

Firstbigstep

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #104 on: January 16, 2017, 05:10:46 AM »
Aquarius,

You are entitled to your feelings, and to venting once in a while.

You've been so strong for so long dealing with this situation, something has to give from time to time. Your husband understands that, I'm sure; your mum less so, but she loves you because she's your mum. Families DO forgive us for our transgressions, because they love us.

Not only that, but you've shared, helped and supported so many of us. There's a lot of love for you here.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #105 on: January 16, 2017, 03:00:56 PM »
Well today is going to be a long day. Over the weekend our kids got a stomach bug and unfortunately last night I got it too. I woke in the middle of the night. It was terrible. I was really wishing my hubby was there. Today I am feeling a little better just super tired and I am still trying to finish painting my ceiling. I probably look like death but its almost done. I just can't stop knowing that I have piles of stuff to do. Its exhausting. On the plus side I got to connect with my hubby and he seems to be feeling ok so I am hoping he left just in time. I really hope he doesn't get sick while working outside. Than would be awful!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #106 on: January 19, 2017, 01:28:56 PM »
Well that little bug was no joke. I was really sick for 3 days!!! I haven't been that sick in a long time! Finally starting to feel better today. Man that was awful!

Firstbigstep

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #107 on: January 19, 2017, 11:28:14 PM »
Hi Aquarius, Hope you and the children are fully recovered.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #108 on: January 23, 2017, 12:22:07 PM »
Ok so WOW. That was a terrible flu! I was sick for a week! Thankfully the hubby is home now. Unfortunately the kids got sick over the weekend and now the hubs seems to be looking.....not so great, lol. Well hey at least we are a family that shares, right? LOL

Things with the house seems to be going at full speed. I am getting really excited about it. Our family has finally come to terms with the fact that this is happening and we aren't going to change our minds. I worry about the kids though. I know they are going to miss their friends a lot. My heart breaks a bit for them.

On the recovery front things are good. Stuff comes up from time to time but I am managing well and am happy to see how far the both of us have come. I am finding that I don't have to remind myself and talk myself into the attitude of forgiveness anymore but rather I am doing it more naturally. It feels like a bit load is slowly leaving my shoulders. It feels good.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #109 on: January 26, 2017, 11:38:32 AM »
ugg I got sick again!!! I have no idea why I am getting so sick so often. I feel like it is mentally breaking me down. Even the kids have been getting sick. This sickness has to leave our house!! I can't handle this. I feel like I am getting better again but I am scared to say that I am over it cause I don't want to jinx it. I am really struggling right now.

Firstbigstep

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #110 on: January 26, 2017, 01:15:05 PM »
That's no fun. Really sorry you and the family are unwell.

I can't offer much more than my support and wish you all a speedy recovery.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #111 on: January 30, 2017, 07:27:21 PM »
Finally feeling better for a few days in a row! We went camping over the weekend as a family. It was great to get away! We even got an offer on our house! It was a low offer so we had to counter offer, fingers crossed. If it doesn't work out then we should get another one soon. I am trying to not stress about anything but to just trust and roll with the process. Things with my hubby are going good. We both  are looking forward to the move and are making plans for new routines when we get to the new town. We are both so thankful to have an opportunity for a fresh start. This is my last week coaching at crossfit and I am nervous about joining a new gym. I don't think I will coach in the new place. I am scared that they are all going to be super "heavy hitters" and I am going to be a puny loser but I am trying not to think on it much and to learn to be ok with who I am and where I am at. Over all life is good.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #112 on: February 02, 2017, 04:36:52 PM »
Well the last few days have been good. I had a bit of a bad experience with my husband showing all of his old attitudes. Of course it came out when I was already super sensitive as we had dinner plans that night with our friends and one of them was a close friend of mine who he used to PMO to quite a bit on FB. Every time we hang out now I feel a lot of anxiety. I have been trying to let it go, it't not her fault she doesn't even know. Still it hurts and brings up so many bad memories. Anyway that was the day he apparently was feeling a lot of stress and he was just being rude and completely self centered. Putting himself above me and the kids and not claiming responsibility for some of the mistakes that he had made about loosing paperwork. I was able to communicate and tell him how he was behaving and he actually heard it. He was able to stop and take in what I was saying. That was a big improvement. He started to apologize and i just stopped him. I am glad he was quick to say sorry but I wasn't ready to forgive yet and I didn't want to hear it. I also thought it was a big step for me to be able to walk away and take time and not feel obligated to forgive so quickly. We have been able to talk since and we are both good. It was nice to see us both work through something and both show progress. That is very hopeful.

On the house front we accepted a full price offer today. We will be closing on March 31st. Pretty exciting to be almost done! Also not having to constantly keep the house clean and show it will be nice too. Our house was only on the market for 8 days and we had got two offers. Amazing! Feeling very blessed.

Gracie

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #113 on: February 02, 2017, 08:22:23 PM »
Yay!   Glad for you about the house.  I think telling them about their behavior is the hardest.  Because it is a series of things:

We feel a little off.
Then we get triggered.
We feel really off and anxious
Then we have to deal with our inner turmoil
We then have to say Hey something is wrong here
Discussion ensues
Then most of the time they get it.
But whew!  Those few moments when we process it all it wears us out.

Good job.  The change will help.  I know just changing our bedroom furniture helped me immensely!  And I really changed it.   We can do this.  Men think they have the hard part.  No way!  I don't think they can imagine the pain.  Or how little bits continue to hang around for us for a long time.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #114 on: February 06, 2017, 03:42:24 PM »
Well things are moving along nicely as far as the house closing goes. He have inspections and appraisals coming so we are getting ready for those. Most of the stuff is already done but we still gotta few last min things. All of our friends and family seem to be scrambling to try and get things on the calendar for get-togethers. Its a bit exhausting. Especially since half of these people I am looking forward to not seeing much anymore. I don't say that though cause its just not worth the drama. I would just like to "loose contact over time". I feel like that is mean, but its true. My birthday is this week and all of the girls are wanting to go out to a local place that serves long island's for cheap every Thursday (that my birthday) so they are planning on having a bunch of ladies go. I feel like having drinks surrounded by all of the ladies my hubby PMO's to all at once doesn't exactly sound like a fun birthday. At this point its not about me, its about all of these people wanting to spend time with me before I move. I appreciate their heart and thoughts. Its not their fault and they have no idea but for me it just sucks. This move could not come soon enough. Maybe this will be like ripping off a band-aid, I will just see them all at once. I am going to make sure not to drink much. Like 1-2 drinks for the entire night. I really don't want to say or do anything to cause a stir. Beside drinking less is cheaper and a lot of our cash is tied up in this move plus my daughter and I have the same birthday so I want to spend my $ on her party rather than on myself. She is my present every day! I am so looking forward to a fresh start and a new town, new routines, friends, and everything. There is so much reminders everyday. Its hard to heal and move them to the past when they are front and center all the time.

Firstbigstep

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #115 on: February 06, 2017, 04:32:27 PM »
Hi Aquarius,

Happy Birthday (in advance!)

I know what you mean with the constant reminders issue - I'm still living in the same "world" that I occupied in a previous relationship and find myself constantly reminded of  happier times. I'm trying to approach those reminders in the same way as I approach my porn triggers - recognise them, deal with them and move on. It's not easy, but seems to be working.

I hope your drinks with the girls proves to be an ok evening - I can't imagine what I'd feel like in your shoes.

Good luck with everything regarding your move.

FBS
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #116 on: February 06, 2017, 09:16:49 PM »
Thanks for the encouragement FBS. I have been getting better and better at putting on a face. I am learning how to hold it together when I feel like falling apart inside. That is pretty much the experience every time I see most of my friends. Had a conversation today with the hubs about facebook. I asked him if he ever wanted a facebook account again. He said no. My heart was beating so fast before he answered. That has truly been the hardest thing to get over, and I am still not over it. I feel like I am not only processing the feelings of realizing all of this dishonesty, and broken trust, lies and everything else but it has stripped away my friends. I  am grieving those relationships all while trying to maintain them on a surface level. Its pretty remarkable how many emotions one person can experience at a time! I probably sound crazy, lol. Well as the very least I hope that some of the PA's on hear can read these words and realize the impact their actions can have.
Things will get better though. In time things will be better, I have faith in that.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #117 on: February 08, 2017, 04:00:00 PM »
Ok so I have been having a really hard time with something. I am hoping that anyone reading this will maybe give me some input and advice. I also want to say I welcome the input of men as well as women and PA's as well as partners. I really value differing opinions.

My husband still struggles with his performance. He is healthy, physically very fit, attractive, and in the past all of his testosterone levers were great last time he was checked out. He has never been happy with his performance. I view it as average, honestly. I think yes he is still experiencing occasional PIED but its more anxiety than anything. I really think most of it is because he has no clue what "normal lasting time is" since he has been into porn for so long. He is extremely hard on himself. Maybe a little too hard and it just makes everything else worse. Yes he is too full of blame. I have been trying to communicate this to him but apparently I can't tell him this.

 I am also coming to understand that as much as we have been moving forward together and we have been progressing together, lately I have felt I need to distance myself from him. Being a partner really sucks sometimes. I want to be there to encourage and support him, but at the same time I need to process my own hurt and feelings. There have been some moments where I have noticed that to encourage him I have to push my feelings aside. That isn't good for me. The reality as a partner is that you are basically trying to have a relationship with your offender, attacker, the one who has caused you the pain and trauma. Then on top of that you feel like you need to help support them, and usually it ends up at the cost of your own healing. I have been trying really hard to balance this. To communicate my own feelings as well as support him but one thing has come to my realization. My feelings of hurt, lack of trust, lack of respect, and all of the other emotions associated with being a partner are a big part (I think) in why he is so hard on himself. I feel like when I communicate that I am having a bad day, he views himself as responsible.....and honestly the reality is that he is responsible. But I don't mean to shame him. This in turn makes me feel like I can't communicate that I have having a hard time and then I feel responsible for his low self esteem and then we both end up feeling shitty. It is a terrible cycle.

 I really don't see a way to fix it either. I have no plans on leaving him and I do see how healing would be easier if I did. Can anyone lend of advise to this? Also just so I have some numbers for him, how long do most men last during sex? I mean the actual intercourse not foreplay

Mayer

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #118 on: February 08, 2017, 05:04:55 PM »
I totally get you there with your hubby. Me being the PA it is difficult from my point of view too. My wife asks for empathy and love and support yet I feel like I am the wrong person to give it. I am the offender after all, it is a very challenging situation to be in. Even though I love to comfort my wife sometimes she doesn't want it because I am the offender, it is a very conflicting position. For me I have hurt the one I love the most, but I can't fix it. Any other situation with my wife I can be there for her. And for her the one she loves the most has hurt her, I can see the internal struggle, a lot of the time I feel helpless, she needs me but doesn't want me, but also I need her but I am afraid to get too close. I suppose it can all be fixed with rebuilding trust, the rest will come with it. That is what I need to concentrate on. As for the sex duration, I have no idea really, from a guys perspective you want to be a stud and last for hours and give your wife the best sex she has ever had every night. That means each time I am looking at myself to improve so I put pressure on myself, sometimes too much. Times also differ with hornyness I suppoose, if it has been a long time since the last time usually sex isn't going to last that long. Every guy is different, I always try and make sure my wife is fully satisfied, I normally don't last long at actual intercourse so I try to satisfy her first, I enjoy this though, it makes me even hornier doing this.

Firstbigstep

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #119 on: February 08, 2017, 05:51:51 PM »
Oh Aquarius.

My heart goes out to you.

It's a horribly complex thing, isn't it?

Although I'm the one with the porn use problem - and I'm not deliberately giving the word addiction a swerve here- I ended up leaving my wife.

We had no sex life - probably my fault; no common opinions - mutual and a shocking living environment  - her.

But the whole cyclic nature of blame and responsibility is a really tough one : at some point someone has to stop reacting the way they always have. Even if it's only on a temporary basis, it can change the cycle. Once you're NOT (can't do italics on my phone - sorry!) simply playing out a loop, you both have a chance to change how you react and then you can play out some different plays.

As to stamina...

Guys (me included ) often get hung up on it. I'm NOT  (this time caps ARE meant!) typical. I could go on for an hour, if I were fit enough. But no one really wants that. Many times, both my partner and I have wanted sex to be over in about 30 mins including foreplay. As to the idea of a "quickie"  - no chance! I think any guy will have days when it's quick and days when it isn't.  Sorry - any normal guy... not one who's wanked himself stupid for 30 years like me. Tough to say, but this forum is the place I'm most honest.

If your husband can get it up for long enough for you both to enjoy it ON YOUR TERMS,  and no one else's, that's what matters. It's NOT about lasting longer ,it's about feeling good together.

Love to you both - your posts have been an inspiration.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

Objectified1

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #120 on: February 10, 2017, 11:28:29 AM »
It's unfortunate that he can't set aside himself to be there for you. Which in short is what goes on when he is feeling bad because he's ruined your days and having low self esteem over it. He needs Counselling from someone who has been there. PA's are as a rule, are very self centred. That's why instead of dealing with life and the emotions that come with it, they turn in and get themselves lost in a sexual fantasy  land where everyone and everything serves them. Everything, even supposed recover is about "me" and they don't even realize it because they're so used to being like that. We're the same where we're so used to everything being about them we don't realize that's what's going on and we feel bad when we demand or expect more. He's not taking responsibility for what he did and then acting to make your life better.  He's doing the same things that got you guys where he's at in the first place.  Poor me. So you have a situation where your feeling hurt and sad communicate it to him and he then internalizes it (his usual course of action, which is not conscious but just automatic ) and shifts it to being about him. Oh I'm such a horrible person, look what I did to her ... etc etc . This is normal. He needs to realize that he is not being there for you and instead doing his usual when this happens and he needs to learn how to get outside himself and think about you. Your pain. Your needs. Etc. What's done is done. What can he do NOW to go forward? I honestly would suggest seeing a experienced Counsellor. Jason and Shelly martinkus with redemptive living, google them. They have helped me and my husband tremendously!!! I waited over a year and a half before going to them because I didn't think we really "needed" it. We could get over it on our own, right? Uhm.... nope. Something's weren't getting better or moving forward it seemed. In 3 weeks I notice a huge difference with us, and I've learned so much it's crazy. You need REAL help and support. My husband was similar to yours at the beginning of our "recovery". Of course he still feels guilt, shame and hurt over where he has put us. But he now realizes he must face those feelings and work through them and that wallowing in poor him is not helpful to him and especially not to me. I need him and I need him to take responsibility for his actions and then take new actions to help us recover. That can't be done  from a "poor me" position. He needs to stop shaming himself and realize he did this but he isn't this.
« Last Edit: February 10, 2017, 11:30:52 AM by Objectified1 »

Objectified1

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #121 on: February 10, 2017, 11:36:10 AM »
How long should he last? I really think it's totally different for everyone. My hubby doesn't last an hour or anything. I really dont time it I guess. I would guess actually intercourse is approx 20-30 minutes. Sometimes it's shorter, sometimes it's longer. However, he often has to pause, change positions or stop for short periods to make sure he doesn't O because he is getting "to" close.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #122 on: February 10, 2017, 12:44:32 PM »
Thank you to everyone for your response. I really appreciate all of the input, I am continuing to process and figure out how to work through this experience. I do think counseling would help and I do think after the move we are going to start doing that. Right now it would just be too much to add to life.

Yesterday was by birthday, and my little girls birthday too. We went to lunch together and had a really great time. Then last night I went out for "girls night". Seems all of my friend are anxious to get together all the time because we are moving soon. I don't really want to go into the details why I am not in the mood to hang out so I just go with it and put on a face. I had lots of anxiety about it all day yesterday so I ended up going to the gym and doing the workout twice. I got to pick it because it was my birthday. It was grueling. I don't pick easy ones, lol. It felt good to work out, so that was the upside. Helped me try and work out my nerves. Downs side, everyone was complaining at me for picking something super hard. I just chalk it up to them being wimps and ninny's, lol.

The workout was:
34 pushups
then 3 rounds of
34 wall ball sit ups (20lb ball)
34 overhead walking lunges (the first time I did 25lbs, the second time I did 45lbs)
12 toes 2 bar burpees
12 box jumps (24'' box)
After you finish the 3rd round you do a 100m farmer carry (I did 55lbs in each hand)

I thought it was super fun. I guess my version of fun is skewed, lol.

Last night ended up being ok. There were so many friends from different parts of my life that they didn't really blend well and ended up in clumps so I just drifted from one group to another. It made it easier because anytime I started to feel uncomfortable I could just move on.  The hubby collaborated with a local artist and friend of mine and surprised me with a sculptural art piece made by the both of them. It was really sweet. I wasn't expecting anything and it meant a lot to me. Thing overall are ok. Just one day at a time..... defiantly a little sore today too, lol.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #123 on: February 11, 2017, 12:31:31 PM »
Well went out again last night, but it was with friends that are a little older than us and ones my husband didn't PMO to, lol. I find it funny how much more enjoyable it is. I feel like the past doesn't hang in the back of my mind as much. I even felt sad, to a small degree, because these are the friends I am going to really miss! Knowing and really consciously experiencing this has gotten me very hopeful and excited for the move and change. I really think it will be a new chapter in our life, marriage, and for our family. I am so excited for what is to come.

I also talked to my husband about my feelings about not being able to share and he understood. Be bother have decided that honesty is the best. We will both continue to be open about our feelings and if it brings something up for the other we will communicate that too and we will work together to support each other. Neither of us have the intention of purposely hurting the other. Knowing that help a lot. The pain we both experience is cause intentionally and we can help and love each other through it .We are committed to each other for the long haul. He is doing really amazingly in his recovery and he genuinely  has done and is doing everything he can to repair our relationship. I have chosen to stay by him and forgive. So when I am upset I need to evaluate if this is because something recent or past actions that I have already forgiven him for. If that is the case, I remind myself of who he is today and focus on that. I tell him that the hurt is coming up and that allows him to be more supportive. As much as I hate this experience I can see how we are becoming closer than ever before. For that I am thankful.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #124 on: February 16, 2017, 05:24:27 PM »
Well things are coming along. Our inspection report came back and there was a few things on it that we will have to look at. Selling a house is so much work sometimes. I am trying to not get carried away with the stress but to just trust that God has a plan. I am really working on not hanging on to my emotions but rather to acknowledge them and let them go. It can be really hard sometimes. Today has been rough for no big reason just a lot of small things, but still I am working on moving forward and continuing to keep my chin up best I can.