Author Topic: Its a process...I guess.  (Read 50625 times)

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #50 on: November 05, 2016, 07:24:24 PM »
Well the kids went to my moms house for the night after a soccer game this morning. We have been working on some construction projects around the house. I had went to HomeDepot to get some things and the ever so helpful man working there was such a jerk!!! He kept saying things like "I'm sure if you show your husband he can figure it out" and crap like that. Also anything that was over 10lbs he wanted to find someone to carry for me. I finally had to tell him that I can probably lift more than him and that I will be doing the work. I know what I need and he doesn't need to give me instructions! My project is non is his damn business I just needed to find a few items! That I taught my husband to weld and have an entire fabrication shop in our garage so I think I can handle a few power tools! I have no idea why this bothered me so much but it really pissed me off to be treated like some dumb woman. He kept looking at my ass and boobs the entire time like I wasn't even a person. I think men should really evaluate how they look at women. We know when we are being ogled!!! (note I know its not all men, but this guy really had a problem)
Sorry to vent it just really pissed me off, lol!
« Last Edit: November 05, 2016, 07:27:25 PM by aquarius25 »

cuppatea

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #51 on: November 06, 2016, 03:26:35 AM »
Urgh sounds like a disgusting encounter on many fronts, can understand why it annoyed you so much.

Gracie

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #52 on: November 06, 2016, 10:45:29 AM »
Stereotypes abound.  I remember when I was in early 20s and weighed 110, I worked at a very physical job.  I would arm wrestle men and beat them.  Gave me great pleasure!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #53 on: November 08, 2016, 05:50:13 PM »
Well my husband and I talk quite a bit the last few days. We talked about not just his actions but how they have impacted me, our kids and our entire family dynamic. I told him I am committed to figuring this out. He said he is absoutly committed too and will do whatever it takes. As much as he will probably never know the pain this experience has cause in me I think I will probably never understand the amount of remorse that he is experiencing knowing, seeing and experience the aftermath of his actions. I feel like this addiction has but us at odds with each other and we are trying to hard to be on the same side and support each other but there is this big line between us. Physically things are better. We are communicating more and learning different things about each other. I am trying to be more patient with him as he still continues to off and on struggle with PIED. I think part of it is just the anxiety of preforming. I can see that he so wants to make me happy and he just feels terrible.

We talked about moving and both agreed that it would be nice but in the end he said with our business it just wouldn't be doable right now. Maybe in a few years we could but not at this time. I appreciated that he considered but in the end it probably is the right choice. I am just going to have to learn how to deal with these emotions as they come up. Its hard when I am out and about and constantly seeing friends that I know he PMO'd to several times a day. I just continue to hope that time will help. Its been almost 6 months since D-day. In someways it feel like a while ago and in other ways it feels like just last week. Seeing reminders daily doesn't help. In the positive ways I am more committed to my marriage. At first I really wanted to leave, then I decided I wanted to stay but I just wasn't sure if it could ever work. Now I am resolved to stay. I am committed to this marriage and family and I don't want to see porn tear us apart. I am hopeful that years from now we will have better ways to communicate as a result of this experience.  I just need to take it one day at a time.

cuppatea

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #54 on: November 09, 2016, 01:00:38 AM »
Sounds like you are making progress. Have you read Paula Halls partner book? I was rereading it on Monday as she has a section on how to deal with triggers. I got triggered yesterday as I found a mag in the garage, it was old and covered in dust so hadn't been looked at for a while but still i got all the feelings from d-day triggered back up and also was annoyed because I had asked him if he had any mags and he had said no. Yesterday he said he forgot he had it and hasn't looked at it for years, probably true as it was dated 2007 and was at the bottom of a stack of mags the others being gardening etc ones. I asked him to go through all the rest though and chuck anything out, so he found an FHM and a tattoo mag that had a few semi nude women in it (also had semi nude men). I managed to use the stuff that Paula Hall talks in her book about though to stop it hijacking me totally, she talks about a trigger cycle and interrupting it. It's hard, but I feel it's the first time I've been triggered and dealt with it in a healthy way. I also saw his morale drop when I confronted him with the mag and could see he was thinking "of fucking shit here we go again", especially as we had only just come out of another low point. He's taking these sorts of things more seriously now and not just trying to tell me it's nothing, meant nothing, isn't that bad, every bloke does it, yadda yadda yadda.

Kinda had to laugh and despair though, the mag had written under the title "the true gentlemen's magazine" and inside it was like everything was pitched at 15 year olds, all boobs and dickheads doing stupid shit and then a bunch of porno/cam girl ads at the back(was not a hardcore porno mag, more a stupid lads mag), but I'm like there is nothing gentlemen like about any of it. "The true nobheads magazine" might have been more on point. I despair that I'm with a bloke that would look at a piece of shit magazine like that, it's so goddamn juvenile.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #55 on: November 10, 2016, 02:46:55 PM »
Cupatea, I hear you! Magazines are the worst. Even the ones for girls are almost preparing them for P. Its pretty bad. I am trying to practice slowing my breather when I start to feel something trigger my emotions and they start to feel overwhelming. I have been try to just focus on my breathing and then try to find a reasonable excuse for me to leave where I am at and take some time. I try to tell myself that this is only a trigger to my pain and that the emotion I am experiencing isn't a real representation of the current situation but just a trigger response to pain that is now here now. I have been mentally practicing this most of the morning because I was at the gym. One of the girls there (who is a friends, although i have been distancing quite a bit these days) was a big deal when I looked at the history on my husbands facebook PMO material. Every time I see her all I can picture if him with his pants at his feel and his dick in his hands. Today my husband came to the gym with me and it was a partner workout so we were doing it together. I tried really hard to not be consumed with worrying about him staring at her or wanting to. Even when he isn't staring I just feel like he wants to. Like he wants to take in her experience to MO later. So finally I just took a break and went to the bathroom and focused on my breath and calmed myself down. The hurt didn't leave but it felt manageable and I didn't end up crying in front of everyone or anything.

Tonight I also have a birthday party that I have to go to. I have been canceling on a lot of things and my friends are starting to notice. So I promised I would be there. There are going to be 5 friends and 4 of them are on his PMO list. So I am just trying to get myself in a good head space and I will try to only have 1 drink. Getting buzzed doesn't help the situation at all! We have told a few friends about his PA but we have never mentioned the FB part. That just doesn't seem like a good idea.

cuppatea

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #56 on: November 10, 2016, 03:43:27 PM »
We haven't told anyone and I don't plan to, can't cope with that idea. I've also cancelled heaps of plans and people were noticing so I told them about my anxiety and depression so they know that's going on but not really why. I've also told a few close friends about my abuse from the past so I can get help with that. But pretty much totally alone with the porn stuff, except on here and with my counselor.
Dealing with knowing he was looking at friends must be so hard.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #57 on: November 10, 2016, 04:09:47 PM »
Cupatea, Yes it is the hardest part of this entire process. Knowing that my husbands wasn't just looking at Porn to MO but also looking at images of my closest friends is absoutly the hardest part. I have talked with him about it quite a bit. He is beyond sorry and I also know that somehow in his mind he felt that by looking at FB and not hard core P it was better but personally I just feel like it has made the situations so much worse. It took the PMO from "porn stars" which feels far away and brought it home to my own personal friends. Not only do I feel all the feeling of rejection but they are pitted against my friends. Like he prefers them to me. Also I can't seek support from them because well can you just imagine if some of your friends told you their husband liked to masturbate to images of you that you posted on FB? I just don't see that going over well, lol.

One thing I have come to realize. My husband is sorry, beyond sorry. I know that I am pretty sure he is being honest when he says he doesn't do it anymore and doesn't even want to. He tell me every day how much he loves me, how he thinks I am beautiful, and just about anything else that he can think of to reassure me that I am the center of his attention. I just am not yet able to fully believe it. I want to so much. I just feel so small every time I see my friends. I don't want to continue hurting. I would love to be able to just move on and be over this but I'm not. I know time will help.

I believe in God and I believe that when you marry you truly become one. So I am suffering for his actions, it doesn't make it fair but we are one person in the eyes of God and the suffering is for both of us. This part I get to experience. His suffering seems to come with the realization that he has to watch me suffer and he can't fix it. He caused this pain and it can't just fix it overnight. I do see in him that he is suffering with that too. So we get to experience hurt together. I am  hoping as the years progress it will get less and less and we can be stronger and stronger but for today it just hurts.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #58 on: November 11, 2016, 08:38:07 PM »
Well work have been getting even more busy than normal. I think it has been good for me to be staying busy. We have decided after exhausting conversation that we are going to move after all. I am excited about it. We will be moving out of state so its a pretty big deal. Fortunately this will not only be beneficial to our marriage (hopefully) but also a huge step for our business as we will be moving to an area where we will be able to reduce out overhead expense quite a bit. I am thankful that my husband is standing by me and supporting me through this. I am nervous about a moving to a new place and meeting new people but a fresh start is going to be very helpful. There is so much to do as far as planning, we have to sell our house and everything, but I am finally getting excited about the future!

malando

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #59 on: November 11, 2016, 08:42:35 PM »
Well work have been getting even more busy than normal. I think it has been good for me to be staying busy. We have decided after exhausting conversation that we are going to move after all. I am excited about it. We will be moving out of state so its a pretty big deal. Fortunately this will not only be beneficial to our marriage (hopefully) but also a huge step for our business as we will be moving to an area where we will be able to reduce out overhead expense quite a bit. I am thankful that my husband is standing by me and supporting me through this. I am nervous about a moving to a new place and meeting new people but a fresh start is going to be very helpful. There is so much to do as far as planning, we have to sell our house and everything, but I am finally getting excited about the future!

Excellent! Sounds very promising! I'm very excited for you.  :)

cuppatea

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #60 on: November 11, 2016, 08:45:49 PM »
Oh that is exciting, sounds like a positive step for a few reasons  :)

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #61 on: November 14, 2016, 06:05:31 PM »
Moving is a lot of work but I am so excited about it! I feel like there is some light at the end of the tunnel. It still hurts to see people all the time but at least I can tell myself that it won't be for much longer! I am thankful to be able to restart our family and our marriage.

Something at has been bothering me lately, not too much but it is just something that nags at me. Its some of the men on this forum. I feel so sad for the men with SO's who choose not to tell them. They have all kinds of excuses but the reality is that it is sad. Not only from a partners perspective that they have a right to know, and that honesty is a foundation to a relationship. It's more that they are just hurting themselves and making the reboot even harder. When I look at my husband and hear what motivates him its me in a lot of ways. When he fully realized just how much porn has had an impact on our family and our marriage realizing and seeing that hurt in me has completely changed the way he views porn. Its like seeing and fully owning his actions has made him completely turned off of it. He now associates porn with hurt and pain and its not appealing in any way. When these men choose not to tell their SO's they are robbing themselves of complete ownership of their actions and behaviors and from possibly the biggest motivation to quit. It feels like such a cop out.

I don't mean to be judgemental and I have tried to see thing from their perspective but I am really struggling to understand why they would choose more lies.  Are there any men who can lend some insight? 

cuppatea

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #62 on: November 14, 2016, 07:03:48 PM »
I see it as an extension of the addictive behaviour and thinking. Feeling that it's still ok to lie and deceive. I doubt many succeed at beating the addiction whilst they still operate that way, more likely that they just white knuckle abstinence and then relapse. It would be interesting to hear of anyone who has managed to recover whilst still lying, i just can't see it though personally.

cuppatea

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #63 on: November 17, 2016, 01:35:51 PM »
How's the moving plans going. Do you have a date for when you leave?

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #64 on: November 17, 2016, 03:33:36 PM »
Hey thank you Cupatea for checking in! The moving plans are coming together. We are actually moving across the country. Its crazy but it ended up being the best opportunity for our business. We are flying out in two weeks to go check everything out. We own a start up lighting company and work with a vendor over there so being closer to him will help a lot and the fresh start will be a huge help to us and our family. We won't be able to actually move till probably March sometime as we have to finish a few things on our house and sell it. We will have to rent to start as we don't want to buy a house we haven't seen in person, lol. So there is just so many details to go over.

Right now we are on a trip out of town on an install in Sonoma (wine country). We drove down and took the time to talk about things. We are doing better but I think there are a few things that I will probably never get over and never understand. I am just trying to lean how to be ok with not understanding everything. I am starting to enjoy his company more and trying to focus on the future and the moment instead of focusing on the past. Its hard....really hard. I still have a difficult time understanding why it took him breaking his penis from porn overdose to get his attention. Using another woman's underwear to masturbate with repeatedly for years wasn't enough, viewing pictures of my friends while stroking his penis for over a decade wasn't enough. Only after realizing that it was the reason he had to take pill just to get hard did he finally start to work on things. He didn't even tell me, I had to come across panties 2 weeks later, he still wasn't ready to be honest. I have tried to put myself into his shoes but I just can't understand what would justify him to sit down in front of a computer, pull his dick out, grab his secret panties, search for just the right picture, and stroke himself until he orgasm. And repeat this process for an average of 6-8 hrs a week for over a decade of marriage. Its actually mind blowing to me. I am trying to get over this but it really doesn't make any sense. He is doing everything he can to not only beat this but also to support me. I ask him about it and why he would think that was ok to do, how he was able to justify that behavior for so long. Even he says he has no idea. I just don't understand. Knowing that he could just lie like that so for many years and do some pretty (sorry for my judgement and language but) pretty fucked up shit! Its so unsettling to me. I feel like I am one of those women that don't know they are married to a serial killer, lol. In all honesty he really is a great guy, good father, and he does love me very much. I just can't shake the questions of what is it that I don't know? Really hoping that this feeling will fade when I am not daily reminded of it by seeing all of my friends everyday. I know there will never be any official "closure" as long as I stay with him and I love him. SO I guess I just have to learn to deal with this feeling.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #65 on: November 21, 2016, 05:57:02 PM »
Well back to the grind. I am home and realizing just how much this experience has changed me. In some ways I have grown. I am better at handling situations and not blowing up. I communicate more and I am more aware of my emotions, but in other ways I am so much worse. I feel like I get overwhelmed a lot easier. I work thought the overwhelm better but still I get overwhelmed much faster than I used to.  It is more of an emotional experience and the emotion is hard for me. I notice I am quite to put myself down more and if I am being completely honest I still have a lot less self worth than I used to. I know logically that I have worth, I know I am the only one that can controller this and yet it is almost an irrational thing. I just don't feel like I am worth anything. I don't see myself as attractive or worthy of love. I want to! I just don't. I have been trying to talk myself into it for a while but its hard. I feel like I am constantly reminded of the refection and realization that I do not hold my husbands attention. I know he loves me very much and says he is attracted to me, I just don't feel like he is "in love" with me. I bothers me because when I heard women talk like this before I would have been so annoyed but now it is totally me. This is the way I feel. It makes no sense. I just feel like my heart has been shattered. I really thought that by now I would have started feeling better than this.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #66 on: November 23, 2016, 08:50:00 PM »
Another thing I have noticed is how much my husband has changed. He really is slowing becoming the person I hoped him to be. There are still plenty of upsets but overall he is doing amazingly well. He hasn't relapsed and he really is trying to help me. I am not sure that anything will help except time. I keep coming back to the thought that it took 13+ years of lying to ruin this relationship, it will take most likely years to rebuild it. One thing that helps is knowing how committed he is to the process. I don't feel rushed to recover or judged if I am not where I should be. I just feel supported and that is really good.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #67 on: November 25, 2016, 04:29:48 PM »
Things are crazy but I am glad that I am managing them better. I am so excited for this move. We are supposed to go see more friends for a game night tonight. Of course there will be a few ladies that were on my hubby's M list. I can feel the anxiety build but now I just remind myself that this won't be for much longer. I will have some space soon. I don't want to be mad at my friends, as its really not their fault at all. I just want some space so I don't have to constantly think about this whole thing every time I leave my house.

cuppatea

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #68 on: November 28, 2016, 02:28:00 PM »
How did your game night go? I can only imagine how hard it must all be.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #69 on: November 28, 2016, 07:08:07 PM »
Hey Cuppatea, thanks for checking in! Um game night went ok...sorta, lol. I didn't do anything that would make them suspect but I defiantly drank my discomfort, lol. Over a bottle of wine in discomfort. I held everything in while at their house but as soon as I got in the car I was just fuming. I got a little feisty and not in a playful way. My hubby got pissed and we both went to bed without talking. I am going to limit myself to one drink when out in public and even at home for that matter because drinking just brings the upset more to the surface.

Lately I have just been feeling so stuck. This sounds terrible but I think I am actually jealous of my husbands progress and recovery. I can see how much he is improving and becoming a better person and I just feel like I am more negative, cynical and unhappy. I don't want to become a resentful crappy person but I don't know how to get out of it. We are working on moving and starting over to the best of our abilities. I can see he is doing everything possible and I do love him. I just feel so stuck.

cuppatea

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #70 on: November 29, 2016, 02:27:42 PM »
I have to limit alcohol too, I use to abuse it quite a bit in my younger years (binge drinking, and far too often), I found recently if we have any in the house I can't seem to stop at once glass. I think it's cos the first one helps me feel a bit better, then it's tempting to drink some more but of course you reach that tipping point where it just makes all the bad shit come to the surface. It's also suppose to be good to avoid alcohol when you have ptsd.

With you being stuck have you thought about doing counseling for yourself? This is all so much to go through, I don't think I could have coped without my counselor to talk to, she's really helped me deal with my emotions and she gives me the empathy that he can't. It's not a great substitute, but it is something, someone that gets it and knows how to respond and also how to help me peel back my own layers.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #71 on: December 05, 2016, 02:56:35 PM »
Well I haven't been on for a while. My hubby and I flew out to the town where we are planning on moving to (we have never actually been there so we thought it might be a good idea, lol!) It feels a little crazy. For our business it makes perfect financial sense. Lots of opportunities and a much lower cost of living. Explaining it to friend and family is not problem for those reasons. We spent a lot of time driving around the town and really checking it out. While we were doing that I was thinking emotionally as to how I was feeling and it was really an interesting experience. Only when I was consciously choosing to take stock of my emotions did I think about my husbands PA. There were no reminders constantly in my face. There were no friends who I have an emotional attachment to that he used to PMO to for me to feel hurt from. I didn't feel like I was on the verge of tears every time we went out in public. In fact I felt the urge to be affectionate towards him. I felt really connected and enjoyed holding his hand on walks, making sure to sit extra close so our legs would touch. I just felt in love with him. It was fantastic to be reminded just how much I love him. I even thought about a few of my old friends and the realization that I won't be seeing them all the time, there was a part of me that knew I would miss them. It felt good to know I was going to miss them. I want to feel that and not be focusing on my husband masturbating to them. It just felt great to get some space. I felt like I could breath finally. Like we could be a family, a normal family. I didn't feel inferior to the other ladies I met there. I wasn't analyzing them and thinking about how my husband would prefer to masturbate to them instead of have sex with me. I just felt normal, and loved even. His willingness to do whatever it takes for us to be healthy has meant to world to me. The biggest thing I notices is that I didn't feel angry. I just felt relief and happy.

Now I know that it won't be like that every day. There will still be triggers and there was one when we were there. We went to tour a shop and on the back on the bathroom door was a calendar with skimpy ladies on it. It reminded me that we can move to get space from my friends that he PMO'd to but you can never escape P. I did watch him when he used the restroom to see what he would do. He didn't pay any attention to it when he walked by. I don't even think he knew I was watching. I asked him later and he said he just ignores that stuff. It didn't bring up old baggage or anything. I felt like we were moving to a new level in this process. I felt like it was a successful trip both for our business and for us.

cuppatea

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #72 on: December 07, 2016, 01:40:23 PM »
Sounds like a really positive step for you both and your family. That's a great step with your friends as well, being able to think about the friendship foremost.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #73 on: December 08, 2016, 12:31:19 PM »
Well overall things are getting better. I have been focusing on the true concepts of forgiveness and working on truly forgiving him. I know he is sorry, I know if he could he would go back and change everything, but we can't do that. All we can do is work forward. I feel like I have all of this hurt in me an I don't know how to get it out and let it go. I think the act of consciously telling myself that I am forgiving him, this hurt will slowly fade. The concept of justice and restitution have been in my head and I am realizing that those are human concept that aren't real. We humans have decided that they exist but in reality if you look at nature, thing are fair. This world isn't a "fair" place, its broken. I am a christian not in a religious sense but in a true relationship. I don't abide by rules but I choose to live for a purpose. I am learning how to carry that into this healing process. I am learning that if I hold my husband to the standard of what is fair, I am the one who suffers the most. This situation is not fair. If I wanted him to "pay" then my children would pay too  by living in an environment with that hostility. Our relationship would never heal and in the end I would still never feel even and better. You cannot erase this hurt and there are no works that can heal it. Only forgiveness will allow me to let go and have peace. If I choose to constantly analyze his past behavior and elevate myself above him. By telling myself that he did this and I would never (even though these are the facts) if I harp on them I start to build an entitlement in my heart. That just brings division into our relationship and that too will create the same horrid environment for our family and do nothing to help my healing. So I choose love. I need to take the example set before me and humble love and serve my husband, trusting that God will come along side me and fill in when I am empty. I need to trust that my choosing to forgive and love that the pain will fade and be replaced by peace. I know that this is a daily choice and it is very difficult. I am not becoming a doormat, I am not enabling, I am not serving out of fear. I am doing so out of love, for my husband, for our family and for  myself. This I believe is what we are call to do. Through this process I hope to fall in love with him again and for the first time. He is a new man and I feel pretty changed myself. I hope our new selves will love each other more fully than the previous ones.

malando

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #74 on: December 08, 2016, 01:36:25 PM »
Beautifully put, Aquarius. And very wise.