Author Topic: Its a process...I guess.  (Read 64107 times)

Pete McVries

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #400 on: July 09, 2019, 08:18:11 AM »
So this might be a weird journal entry but I feel like I am in a bit of shock and this is a safe place for me to get this all out. I really value the support from any of you who comment so thoughts and encouragement is welcome...

My heart is just so broken right now and I feel very overwhelmed. My son (age 11, going into 6th grade) was attending a science camp at a state college. He was really excited because they were building robots, and coding, and doing all these things he really loves. On the very last night of the camp one of the kids attending (all kids are grade 6-8) was assaulted by a few of the other kids. Yes, authorities were call and police notified. I am just horrified at this situation. Apparently 4 or 5 kids cornered a smaller kid in a bathroom on the last night and they whipped him with belts, kicked him repeatedly, and pulled down his pants and grabbed at him. My son had been playing during free time with this boy and one of the kids who attacked him was a kid on my son's science team. I asked my son about this and he said he was just so shocked and confused. He said that he felt so bad for this kid who was attacked. He said he was scared because it could have been him (he is smaller too), and he said he was confused because he had known all the kids who did this and they didn't seem like the kind to do that. I can see how this experience has really shaken him quite a bit. Frankly it has shaken me too. These are middle-schoolers!!!! The oldest kids were 13! It was a science camp at a state college. One of the administrators had told my son that attacks like these have been becoming more and more common in schools sadly. I am not sure what to think about that.

This program is a year long program. They are supposed to return for 2 Saturdays per month from September till April. They won't have any overnights anymore and obviously the kids that were involved in this are removed. I still just don't feel ok about any of this. This is such a broken world.

I can only speculate but my best guess would be that there is a general coarsening happening on all fronts and it's especially affecting the youth. This is undeniable in my mind. Just look at the movies, games, music, topics and billboards compared to a few centuries ago. I grew up in the 90s and I fell in love with hip hop early on. Recently, I have been listening to some of my favorite albums from back in the day and I really had an epiphany. The music back then was so much more thoughtful and in a way innocent. There has been gangster rap or even lyrics that are brutal but even they were much more harmless. And the artists who made this type of music weren't mainstream so only accessible to people who were actively searching for this type of music in an era where filesharing was in its child's shoes. Don't get me wrong, I'm not reluctant against gangster rap or so (quite the contrary to be honest) but this is music for adults. There was a line in some of the most popular rap songs from recent times that goes something like "Bring your gf to my show, she is going to be shredded backstage // run-of-the-mill, afterwards the sex-tape of her gets published in the internet" (this is a translation from German). It even went sort of viral in the US, if I'm informed correctly. You can watch it on youtube without any warnings for children or young people. It is not restricted (potential triggers ahead, watch at own risk) in any way. That is a problem in my mind.

Same thing with video games. Most of the kids these days with a computer are playing Fortnite because it is free, highly addictive (it's crazy to think that loot box systems are still allowed especially for games that target kids and adolescents. They are groomed to become gambling addicts...) and all their let's player idols play it. In Germany, it is recommended for 12 year olds and upwards if I'm informed correctly but there are no restrictions. So if you are eight year old and want to play it, you can play it. Fortnite graphics are in a comic style but it's still a battle royal shooter and there are different hit boxes, so you always want to aim for the head to deal the most damage. I want you to remind, that the original doom was put on the index and only available in video game stores from under the counter (at least in Germany). Please compare a 320x240 DOOM pixel party where you couldn't even aim for the head to a 4K Fortnite that "all" children play nowadays.

Look at music videos. A friend of mine showed me a video of Nicki Minaj a few months ago where she is in a jungle or so (can't remember it correctly and I don't listen to this type of music) and she was basically naked and stripping. When I was in my early teen I was glad if I could masturbate to a Jennifer Lopez video where I could catch a glimpse of her tush for a split second. Wind back a few more centuries and they didn't even dared to show the bellybutton of Tarzan. I'm not saying that this is ideal either and I don't want anyone to run around in a burka if he or she doesn't want it, I'm just trying to name a few examples.

Then you add porn to the mix (average age of boys being exposed to porn is 10 years old if I remember correctly) and then you have the perfect storm. And porn came a long way, too. I started on porn really early but porn back then were mostly movies with a small story and in hindsight I get the impression that the women were treated with respect (in the scenes) and not used like disposable objects like in a lot of scenes these days. I get the impression that women pretended to enjoy the act in the scenes and today it is really no anomaly to see actresses being disgusted, in pain, anxious and in other negative emotional states you never ever want your sexual partner to be in. Gonzo was a genre/category back then, if I'm not mistaken, and today it's the standard. If you go on a regular tube sites, you can find really disturbing stuff on the front page and easily access every legal thing imaginable. I read studies that young people (both boys and girls) believe anal sex is a everyday sexual practice and that it is normal to finish the coitus with a cumshot to the face. Girls are wondering why they won't have an orgasm when giving a BJ and all that sort of stuff.

A hotbed for brutalization and less empathy.

There needs to be more restrictions for children and adolescents and parents must be in a constant dialogue regarding this sort of stuff. It's funny and sad at the same time. Sex education back then was about how sex works, what it does and how to prevent catching STDs and pregnancy and it was done in a single or two sessions. Today you need to constantly protect your children from all the negative influence that modern media provides and regularly exchange information about it. Because even though you manage to prevent your child from consuming this sort of stuff successfully, there will always be a friend or a class mate who does and who shares his impressions and the data. That's just how things work. Media education is more important than ever.
« Last Edit: July 10, 2019, 08:18:52 AM by Pete McVries »
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malando

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #401 on: July 09, 2019, 04:57:07 PM »
Pete, I think it's highly debatable that such material can be bad for kids, but somehow suitable for mature adults. I doubt that it is - everything we take in is altering our thinking. The more of this anti-social dreck we stick into our minds, the more we become proponents of it in one way or another. The mind tends towards that which it focusses on. Even people who claim. "oh, I maintain my rage/shock/opposition to what I'm hearing here, I'm just interested in the social commentary of it", they are still directing their minds toward dark matters and off other matters which have a more life-affirming effect. It's not going to promote anything good within the person - no matter how much of a fan they are. There's an analogy with porn in there, I think. Things accepted by the mainstream as acceptable or at least go unchallenged, yet the longterm effects are completely unresearched. Both given permission to exist by the freedom-of-expression/free-speech mantra.

Pete McVries

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #402 on: July 10, 2019, 08:17:23 AM »
Hey malando,

I think my post was a bit inacurrate. Of course all these things hold potential dangers for adults as well (that's why we write in a PMO/ED recovery forum, aren't we?). In cases of, let's say, violent games or movies an adult should be able to reflect more easily on what he has consumed. Nevertheless, I agree with you and I'm quite sure that it will have an impact as well. Especially if one indulges in it. I also want to stress that I don't listen to the type of music that I've posted. It just came to mind because of friend of mine who works in a school was in shock when he reported to me that all the 13yo boys in his class cite this song all the time and listen to it on the smartphone. That's what I was up to. You and me, one could argue, we could listen to the song and even enjoy it in a sense like we enjoy a very brutal gangster movie for example (if you are into those type of stuff). But we would never think of the protagonists as potential role models. These boys (might) do though. And that's a problem. These boys watch P as well and even some girls do. If the majority of what they see is rough stuff then the boys will probably treat the girls this way and the girls may even think that this is normal because both parties have been socialized sexually by porn. Madness.
« Last Edit: July 10, 2019, 08:19:14 AM by Pete McVries »
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aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #403 on: July 11, 2019, 01:46:16 PM »
Hello, I do agree on all levels  and am a very technology hesitant parent. We home-school, restrict screen exposure and several other things. We live in an area where there are lot so of home school families and there is one thing I have noticed that our kids differ from their in. Our kids are really confident and sure of who they are. They ask questions, hard questions, they push the status quo, they make eye contact when speaking to people. Other families that shelter their kids tend to do so from a position of fear, they tell their kids that screens are scary and bad. We don't do that. We talk to our kids, at a level they can understand, but we tell them the facts. This experience at this camp was a really big one for my son and as we have processed it a bit I have noticed a few takeaways he has learned from this..... First I want to say I am not trying to pat myself on the back here. Second, my son is amazing and I am so proud.

First he said that even before this incident he didn't not make a lot of friends there. He has in the past said he doesn't need a lot of friends, he just wants a few good ones. He said he struggled to fit in at the camp because all the kids talk about fortnite and he doesn't play that game, nor does he want to. (We have always told our kids why we don't allow excessive screen time and been honest with them about the effects of screens and we have been honest about their fathers porn addiction as well) Our kids are at the point where they choose not to want to play shooter games. They would rather spend their screen time doing more productive things like researching how to build catapults and other thing they are working on. He said after the attack he felt fear because he recognized that as a kid not fitting in he could have easily been a target of this abuse and that scared him. I am proud that he was able to understand his feelings and be open to admit them to us. That take vulnerability and is not easy to do.

The other things he communicated he felt was doubt in himself and his abilities to trust his gut. One of the attackers was a kid on his team that he was working with. He said he thought that kids was an ok kid. He didn't demonstrate any bad behavior or anything. He felt very unnerved that this kids was able to do these horrific act against another kids when he seemed so normal. A few days after coming to me with this he approached the subject again and asked about my husbands addiction. My husband and I together talked with him. My 11 yr old son had question about why my husband wanted to view images and videos of women being demoralized and treated as objects. My husband explained about how the brain needs new material and how addiction works and what people do for dopamine. At some point my son said that he loved us both and that this has shown him how you never know a person fully. All you can do is treat people with love and allow them to be who they are, you cannot change them. He said he felt bad not just for the the kid attacked but also for this boy the attacker. He said this experience has made him have even less desire to watch porn, spend time on screens, and to play video games. He now understand more clearly how technology while sometimes can be helpful can also be something that detracts from your life in big ways. Apparently the whole attack idea was started because of an app that dared them to do this. It is called Momo? I don't understand it but I guess it is an app that you download and it has a creepy lady daring you to do bad things. Who would want to download that in the first place?

While I am sad that this experience even happened. I am glad that my son was able to take something constructive away from it. He understand better why we are such weird parents and he even thanked us for being the way we are. We try to not just use the "Because I said so" but more to explain why we have these rules. It was really amazing to see my son not just understand but then get to a point where he is choosing to continue those rules for himself.

Redfire03

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #404 on: July 11, 2019, 06:34:18 PM »
I wish there was more awareness pushed about the effects of dopamine in the brain and what it can lead to. Great conversation here.

Gracie

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #405 on: July 13, 2019, 06:01:15 AM »
This mus t have been very scary for your son!  Today on one of the news sites they had a video of JLo giving a lap dance to one of the US Women's soccer team members during a concert of hers.  My first thought was how is this news? Then why would she do that?   I try to help guide my grankids now, through all of this.  Their parents do a great job I am the assist.   I feel too many behaviors have become acceptable.   We need to keepb banging our drum of unacceptable.   

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #406 on: July 29, 2019, 07:17:05 AM »
Gracie so true!

I had an adult who was working my my kids in a kid club come up to me today and said that my kids are really remarkable. They speak really clearly and communicate thoughts and feelings so well and they make eye contact when they talk. She was shocked. I was shocked at how big a deal this was for her, lol. I thought well...they are 4 & 6 grade, they better be able to do that. Then I realized just how uncommon it is today. That is so sad.

Overall like is going well. Just keeps on moving. We have contienued to build our business and it is crazy busy. So far things are good.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #407 on: August 21, 2019, 12:19:29 PM »
Haven't posted here in a bit but I have been on and messaging and encouraging friends. Figured I should drop a not here too. Things are good. Our business is busy and we are expanding. Trying not to grow too fast and to keep mindful of quality and integrity amidst growth. I had to say no to some things as a result and even though it was a bummer it felt good to be choosing consistency over quick $. My husband came to me later and said thank you. He was initially against declining the job but after it was done he agreed that it would have been too much. We talked about how much more stress that would have been and how that impacts our family. One of the points he made was that is when he feels temptation to porn, in stressful times. It was great to see him recognize this and he said in the future he will be more supportive about it. I am really proud of his progress, he still has some work to do (as do I!) but he really has come a long way. Over 3 years porn free for him and sometimes it feels like a ghost that haunts him, other days it feel like a dream from the past. No matte what tomorrow is, I know we can tackle it....together.

kopp

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #408 on: September 23, 2019, 02:56:40 AM »
Keep us updated!

I read your last post, then the first one... god there must be an interesting story between the two. You seem to be doing better than ever, congratulations on that!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #409 on: October 02, 2019, 03:22:12 PM »
Kopp,
Thank you, yes it has been a long three+ years but we are still here and going strong. Healing is a process and nothing happens over night.

Things are good. Life is busy but thankfully nothing major is happening. November we are going to Disneyworld as a family and I am looking forward to a fun family vacation. Disney isn't really my cup of tea (I prefer the woods and less people) but the kids will love it and  I know we will have a great time.
Hope anyone reading this is doing well!
Cheers

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #410 on: October 07, 2019, 11:10:58 AM »
Just had a week of high stress. My mother n law visited and well she is not my cup of tea. While out visiting my husband decided to finally tell her about his addiction, mainly because she kept hinting about our parenting style. Finally my husband told her he actually has really suffered from the lack of structure and lack of character in his upbringing. He did be sure to say he isn't blaming, he takes full responsibility, but he is recognizing areas that he has chosen to be different than her and he asked her to respect it. I am so proud of him for this. It took a lot of courage. She is half Japanese and  very traditional. She doesn't like direct conversation, more passive aggressive and lots of snide comments. He has always had an odd relationship with her, very cold. This is the first time he really just said what he felt to her. I didn't really care for the entire visit but I am very glad to see him standing up and speaking up for his family. That is a big improvement. 16+ years and this was the first time!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #411 on: April 28, 2020, 10:24:26 AM »
Well it has been a really long time since I have been on here, or posted in this journal. Life has just been going full till. I have been distracted my all the usual, work, kids, house, just living life. I will say that I have also been avoiding this place. I have felt for a bit now a nagging feeling that my husband hasn't been disclosing everything. It has been this little feeling in my gut. IT never goes away and I think I have been trying to convince myself that I am crazy and that it's nothing. Coming to this place, I think I wouldn't have been able to deny it, so I just stopped coming. For all the friends that I have fallen out of contact with I apologize. Finally the trickle in of honesty has started from my husband. He still maintains that he hasn't viewed full porn...yet. Mainly he has been using subs and walking that tight rope, withholding full facts and just not making an effort to be present emotionally or physically. He has been displaying all the behaviors he did when viewing. I ask for honesty and he tells me that is everything "he swears" then when I say nope I don't believe you then he says actually and unravels a little more.  I know every part of me should be done but in truth I am not sure I know how to be done. I am not sure I would even know how to start that process, if I would even want to, if that life would even be better than what I have now? I am just not sure of much of anything.

So there is the update. That is where I am today.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #412 on: May 01, 2020, 06:41:18 PM »
Today is another day. The other night more details came out. Apparently he was masturbating up to 4 times a week. He defiantly gave the impression it wasn't very often so getting this fact out kinda took my breath away, especially since I have been waiting a long time to have good sex and this while time he as been just selfishly satisfying himself. I just don't understand any of this. We were doing so good. I was really trusting him. I felt so good about us before all of this and now it just feels like that reality that I had I am now understanding I was being lied to the entire time. I know not everything was a lie. I know that he was really trying and that 4 years is a really good amount of time. But I also feel so much hurt anytime I allow myself to think about it. Most of the time I just don't allow my mind to wander this far. I am just trying to get through each day being present to my kids. Our business has had a huge hit from the quarantine and that has added quite a bit of stress and I know it is hard on the kids. They both had been working on things for months to only have them cancelled and they are dealing with losses of their own. So for now I am just trying to be there for them.

I know this entry sounds like total rambling, and it is. I am just trying to get all of this out in what I hope is a safe space.

Gracie

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #413 on: May 02, 2020, 08:03:58 AM »
Please know I am sending thoughts and strength your way.   I think once this goes on minimization is what allows our husbands to feel somewhat okay with what’s going on.  Be it porn, masturbation, chores, whatever.  It seems as though there was this part of them we did not know.  I see how you and The person me and I just are at how do we go forward?  Even without relapse, we are wore out keeping it all together.   This takes a toll .    Making no quick decisions is a very good plan!

Gracie

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #414 on: May 03, 2020, 06:50:55 AM »
My husband and had a moment that brought the past tumbling down emotionally.   We have a koi pond.  I loved my koi pond. I was the one that landscaped it. Bought the fish etc.  Well I had neck surgery in the winter and the next summer I was limited in what I could do.  But slogged through.  Then in the fall I got frozen shoulder, and that brought me to a grinding halt.  Get that taken care of over the winter and then in May was d-day.  I have not done anything with the pond since that day.   It was our project.  I would put on old ratty clothes and have muck and algae on me etc.  I could not do it my self esteem was so low.  The other day, about four days ago my husband asked about the pond.  He never knew why as I didn’t tell him.  I just started crying.  He asked why and I said I loved the pond and the fish.  But I could never put on my pond clothes and look ugly again.  I did not wanting him thinking he needed a better looking person. And that I was mad at myself because I let him take it away.  I still don’t know if I can do it.  So many things even when we think it is over
and more comes. 

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #415 on: May 03, 2020, 10:13:55 AM »
Gracie, you are such a positive and reassuring consistency for me. I really hope you know how much I appreciate you! You remind me that I am not along. You show me that it is possible to keep working at this, and I can see that even year later it is ok to still be feeling the hurt and that there are still old cobwebs of resentment/hurt to clean out. A koi pond sounds beautiful. I understand. Before this latest relapse I had finally set up my jewelry bench and had added a few new power tools. I am fairly power tool savvy but my husband is much more experienced than I and I had asked him if he would spend a day working with me and getting me started. I think more than anything I wanted to company and encouragement to help inspire me to get going on a few things. See we have been working on our old Victorian house that he picked. It's his style, not mine as much but it was cheap so I went along with it. This has been a big project and living in a construction zone and defiantly worn on me. I have waited with all of my art supplies basically packed and moved from one place to another but not really in a usable space for 3 years. So finally setting up a studio was big! I was hoping that he and I could work together on a few things. I was looking forward to it. Now, I think because I was so looking forward to that time together it has kinda ruined it for me. I would be lying if I didn't admit to feeling a bit depressed. I just feel down, even with the sunny day outside. I just want to say in and away from everyone. So going and working in my studio is just a reminder of the 3 years of pouring into his wants at the expense of mine, all the while thinking we are working on a path of healing, only to find that in face I have been played the fool. It is a bit disheartening and has crushed any motivation for creative expression.

 This whole things is such a mess. He has been talking and trying, sortof. We talked with the kids and he followed up one on one with them and talked a but more. Both kids admitted to feeling like he hasn't been present and he said he would work on that. So now, of course, he is giving them lots of extra attention and they are all excited. It's like if he graces them with his presents than he is the hero or something, when in reality he should have been doing this all along. I am not going to kiss his ass for doing something he should have been doing and something I have been doing in overtime because I have been picking up his slack. Also, he hasn't once brought up to me and initiated to conversation of how he plans to help repair us. He is giving a lot of time to the kids but pretty much crickets to our relationship. He hasn't once mentioned or apologized for not helping with the art studio. We had actually scheduled a few days last week before all this happened and I am pretty sure he just forgot. He never mentioned it, and I felt bringing it up when I am thins mad will only end in an argument. Honestly at the end of the day I feel like he is trying to repair and make this work for the family as a whole, not for me and him as a couple. Its the family he loves, not necessarily me individually. My fear is that the feeling might be mutual and that truly is heartbreaking.

Redfire03

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #416 on: May 03, 2020, 10:27:53 PM »
I hurt for you... i really do. I also feel ashamed as a man. Because I had similar behavior as well. Once I got on here and seen that what I was doing was intact not natural... i went cold turkey.  Kinda like when you dislike them you just cut all ties... i dislike for and masturbation.  Just ruined so much of my own life and growth being in that hole. Stress does add to the equation, I stressed alot.. but i can't clearly confirm that was my reason or that I was just so sexually aroused then. But I really hope he sees that this is an issue.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #417 on: May 04, 2020, 02:59:20 PM »
Redfire, yes stress totally adds to the equation. It's already not an easy situation to be in and adding this quarantine is crazy. I really hope you find success in your reboot and lifestyle change. That is what this has to be for it to last, a total life change.

As for now, we are talking. I think that is a good sign, I guess. He did finally bring up our missed date to work together. I asked if it was because he read about it on here, he admitted yes he did read this bit that he actually didn't completely forget. He said he remembered but didn't know how to bring it up and we were busy with other things so he just never said anything. I feel like that is a theme with him. He doesn't like to bring up uncomfortable topics so he just doesn't and then I have to hold his hand through talking about the big important issues. I told him that I am not going to do that anymore. If it means we talk less than that is fine but it is not up to me to have to be the one bringing up everything and making sure we are working through things. If ends up feeling less sincere. (Like the kids who's mom tell them to apologize, it just doesn't feel like they mean it when you hold their hand through it).  HE agreed that he does that and said he is going to try to be more proactive about our communicating. I am interested to see if that actually happens and how long it lasts. I know this makes me sound like a real jerk but honestly, I am at a place where I just don't care. I am ok being the jerk because I am tired of his addiction impacting so much of my life. He needs to figure out what it is he is wanting and he needs to have gumption to be willing to communicate that. If not than this relationship just won't work as I am done pretending, tip toeing, and playing all of these other game around hoping he will be the husband he said he wanted to be. I understand people make mistakes, I understand addiction. If he was honest and took accountability for his actions rather than having me have to confront him about all of this I would probably feel much different, however, this is the situation we are in. He got us here, he needs to be part of getting us out!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #418 on: May 06, 2020, 02:32:31 PM »
Well things are continuing. My husband is still on track and claims to have not had any relapse issues so far. He seems to be trying to figure out some things for his triggers and his root causes. He is attempting at communicating, although most of the conversation is more of him talking and telling me how he is feeling rather than a back and forth conversation, but at this point I will take what I can get. I would appreciate if he would actually ask how I am doing and make ore effort to have actual communication. I find it a bit on the ironic side that one of his big issues is self-center-ness (porn being a big self focused act)  and so far his plan for repairing our relationship is to analyze himself and talk about himself, lol. I know, baby steps, this is progress because at least he is communicating.

Another thing that I have noticed coming up for me that has been a bit difficult is this...everyone loves my husband. He is much more likable than me. He is more outgoing. I am more a stay in and read kind of person. He is out wanting to serve on all of these city boards and helping do all these initiatives to help with economic growth and grow the city. He knows everyone, all the commissioners and the mayor and all of the big wigs of the city he has on speed dial.  I defiantly am less schmoozey, and more blunt (I always have been a very direct communicator) and not as out about the town. I do work part time in a food truck, its more of a hobby. I have wanted my own food truck for well over a decade but it has never been the right time. We have another business and since moving here (3 yrs ago) my husband has added another business of his to our load, so my truck has been on the back burner. A year ago I decided if I couldn't have my own truck than I would at least work in one and learn the ropes. SO anyway, I work in a taco truck and love it! My boss and his wife are really nice and they have become good friends with our family. He really likes hanging out with my husband. Anyway, I have noticed that men like to joke a lot about adultery.  They will say jokes about me being not nice if I don't just say my husband is the best thing ever. Or they will joke about maybe he will leave me or find someone else who will be nice. I usually laugh it off but I have to say considering current events it is actually really hard not to just want to scream. I know they don't mean it meanly but it still hurts. People think he is the greatest thing, they don't know the whole truth of it. It is hard to go places and have everyone talk about how great this man is who is currently causing me so much pain. I am trying to just smile and shake it off but honestly it hurts and it sucks. Why aren't people defending me in the same light? Is it because I am not a man? This is something I really just don't understand.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #419 on: May 11, 2020, 09:41:12 AM »
Happy late mother's day to all the mama's out there. Things here are steady. Now that some time has passed I am more and more confident that I do have full disclosure, or at least I know everything that he knows. As he unpacks his raw emotions and feeling about this I am sure he will uncover more and I do hope he confides in me per our agreement. For the first week or so he wouldn't touch me. We usually hold hands and are very cuddly and lately he has been hesitant to reach out at all. It hurts. It makes me feel even more rejected. I think about reaching out to him and then I just feel more angry and it's almost like I get stuck there. I want him to want me, to reach out and hold me and tell me this will be ok. I want him to be strong, but he is not. I understand why, I am just tired of always being the strong one for both of us. I am just tired of so much. I am slowing knowing more and more that we will probably get through this but right now I am just exhausted.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #420 on: May 19, 2020, 02:20:15 PM »
Things are going well. The hubby is communicating a lot and doing everything he can to stay on track. I feel like I really couldn’t ask for more than that, after all it is his best. I am excited for his enthusiasm but i am also apprehensive to get too excited about his efforts. In the past he would do really well for about 2 weeks and then slowly he would start slacking on his commitments and gets comfortable. He did really well for a while, years in fact but he also let some of his Commitments go and stopped continuing to grow and improve. It was like he just stopped looking at porn but the underlying attitudes came creeping back and then surprise surprise eventually with those attitudes the porn came back too. I want to be excited for him but I also want to guard my heart because I am just not sure I can handle another blow of disappointment. Another concern I have is that his usual behavior is to really fixate on one thing and try to fix it by thinking about it all the time, at the expense of everything else. He has been concerned about his PIED as that was the thing that tipped my off to his relapse in the first place. His erections have returned pretty quickly ( I suspect that he had more performance anxiety than actual PIED). So as soon as They returned he is wanting to focus all his attention on our sex life. I am concerned, while I do enjoy finally having sex I worry that he is just trying to recreate porn in our bedroom. I would like to see him put more effort into being present in his everyday life and working on his root causes instead of putting all f his thought process and attention into being better int he bedroom. This to me is a red flag.  While I don’t want to tell him how to do his recovery, I have my own emotions to work though, but I am concerned. We will just have to see how it goes.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #421 on: May 23, 2020, 02:23:47 PM »
Things are continuing to slowly improve. I am actually relieved my the slow part because I think it's a sign that it might last. I feel like when people make changes really fast a lot of time the fizzle out in their enthusiasm and it doesn't really last. When it is slow and gradual it feel like there is an attempt at lasting change.

 We have talked a lot about the last 4 years and the progress as well as the relapse. One thing we both notices was in the first two years he was very intentional and focused and slowly he got comfortable and just stopped seeing himself as an addict in recovery and started seeing himself as recovered, past tense. He stopped being aware of his weakness when he is overwhelmed and sure enough when the stress was added he started processing it in old ways. First he was totally rationalizing it and then it got to a point where he really realized it was out of control again and I think he was too scared to tell me. He knew how much it hurt the first time and the reality was he was being selfish. He didn't want to loose me and he was worried that if he told me I would leave. I really feel like that isn't fair to me. That isn't giving me the right to choose. Also it isn't really considering who I am and weather or not I am a person who would choose to stay. I know I would have especially if he came to me humble and honestly. I understand that I am married to an addict. It doesn't make him a bad person but it does come with it's own difficulties and I am committed to this life together. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. It bothers me that he doesn't see that. One thing that occurs to me about his fear is most likely if the tables were turned, I fear he is a bit less forgiving. I feel he knows that he wouldn't stay so believing I would is difficult for him to understand.

Either way, I am here. We are doing better each day and we are both still committed to seeing this through.

kopp

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #422 on: May 26, 2020, 02:30:58 AM »
You're such a wonderful human being

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #423 on: May 28, 2020, 09:52:07 AM »
Kopp, thank you. I don't really feel like a wonderful person but I am trying to be better than I was the day before.

Things are good. My husband continues to improve every day in his shared thoughts and actions. I continue to grown in more understanding of what it means to be married to an addict, to choose him and that includes all of him even the worst parts. He chooses me and I am no picnic sometimes. I am continuing to learn and understand that marriage isn't about partners and being equal its about supporting each other to the best we can be to our ability and that isn't always equal. Either way I am still here choosing him in all of his brokenness just as he chooses me. He is no worse or better than me just as I am no worse or better than he is. We are just different. His addiction does not define him and his worth but it does impact who he is. He would not be the same person in the good and the bad without it so I am not going to live with the idea that I wish he didn't have this. Instead I am going to accept this as part of him. We are both slowly understanding more of how this works and my hope is through this process he will be more equipped to handle temptation in the future and I will better understand how to support him while maintaining my boundaries and my own sense of place in this relationship. While I don't necessarily agree with all of the things in the 12 step program I do agree with step one, acceptance. I am learning now that maybe for a marriage to work with an addict (no matter what the addiction is) acceptance needs to be had by both of us. He needs to accept that he is an addict everyday and choose to walk in recovery. I need to accept him, that this is part of him, and love him for his whole self and not just the best parts.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #424 on: June 01, 2020, 10:09:47 AM »
It has been a crazy week. We had some scary moment in the last week. We live on a side of town where we are closer to some rough neighborhoods. I love our neighborhood and this was the first time I have ever felt scared and it really wasn't that bad. Our neighbors meet all the time, we know almost every one of them in the 5 block stretch, we even have monthly dessert parties. Unfortunatly, we are also near some areas where there are occasional shooting. Last week some kids were driving around trying to be funny and were hanging out the window with squirt guns painted to look like real guns. We were on a friend front porch and they pull a u turn and hung out the window. All I was was a gun and we all hit the floor. I had to grab my friend two year old son and throw myself over him in the moment. It made all of our heart race. My husband decided to run after them (barefoot and unarmed himself, lol) to try and get plates. They were too fast anyway but I was so mad. All I could think of was what if something happened to him? I was so scared that him going with aggressive energy could escalate the situation and make it more than just a prank. They were just stupid kids, it wasn't funny at all and they shouldn't have been doing that but I also remember being a stupid kid. More than anything, I was just so scared to loose my husband. I really love him so much and the thought of anything happening just makes me sick to think of it. Now with all of the protesting, I feel that even more. We are pretty close to downtown and there has been some vandalism and stuff but more than anything I just want everyone to be safe. I am just trying to do my best to embody love for all people.