Author Topic: I really need to change.  (Read 4353 times)

jonny71

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I really need to change.
« on: July 04, 2016, 06:06:01 PM »
It has been 72 hours since my last PMO.

I have tried many times in the last 25 years to curtail this tailspin. Why is it so easy to get sucked in? What is it with me? I've done drugs but was never addicted. I drink but I'm not alcoholic. I've never smoked. Why is THIS my addiction? I used to make a New Year's resolution every year that I would stop. Some years I'd get maybe 4 days. I have occasionally gone almost two weeks, and it seems that for the first few days there were events that prevented me from PMO, and then it got easier for the next week. THEN I'd start thinking about it a lot.

Getting an erection has never been an issue for me, but delayed ejaculation has plagued me since my teens. There are always those times when there has been elements of something new or even a little danger that made it a lot easier to O, like a new or illicit relationships, risky sex, etc. But then back to the same. I used to be able to fantasize during sex to help get myself off, but even in my last relationship with a beautiful sexy, adventurous woman, I'd have to finish myself off. And now that is done. And with that, I need to make a change.

I started with installing K9 on my computer. Not perfect, and of course I know the password, but it makes me think when it pops up a message. And I've been reading Reboot Nation. I last tried this six months ago. We'll see how it goes.

imnipper

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #1 on: July 04, 2016, 08:56:56 PM »
I don't have any answers for you.  I'm just getting started on this site and have spent more time in the last 24 hours trolling through and trying to understand how everything works.  What I can tell you is that reading through some of the journals I am seeing stuff that is familiar and it helps.  I know all about the "maybe 4 days" that you mention and "Why is THIS my addiction?".  I've started dating a guy who is in recovery from alcohol and crystal meth for 16 years and he is 12-stepping his way through everything.  That doesn't work for me....I'm not sure what does.  I want to fix this....reboot but I am coming to realize that it is bigger and harder (no pun intended) than I thought.  Until last month, I didn't even know this was a "thing" (although I thought it was and that it just had not been studied or reported).

So, I am just replying to let you know that I'm new here, too.  I feel your pain and have the same questions.  I hope we can both find answers and get what we need here.

Good luck.



bob

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #2 on: July 04, 2016, 09:56:19 PM »
Welcome to RN jonny71,

 You are now a part of a uniquely supportive group of people (both men and women) who have or are struggling with an addiction to porn. As you read you will learn that you are not alone. Read, post, and respond to others. Its all part of the recovery process as you learn what works best for you.

We are glad you are here.

Peace

jonny71

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2016, 05:14:14 PM »
It's now been five days and I just got through a real trigger scenario. I divorced a little over two years ago and went right into a long distance relationship with a woman I dated out of high school. Except for the distance, it was amazing. But we hit some snags and she ended it a couple weeks ago. I decided to put a profile on Match.com and when going through my phone for some pics of myself. I of course came across so many of her. It not only brought up so many feelings, but there were also a number of very sexy pics. Part of me just wants to lose my sadness and anxiety in PMO. The urge is strong, but I came here instead.

I have been feeling better about the break up but it made me so sad to see pics of us together and happy. Though she did not know about my P&M issues, I deal with DO and I believe that and a couple other things made her question my attraction to her, even though it is the furthest from the truth.

I guess that part of why I'm trying to do this for myself is because she was everything I'd had ever hoped for in a sexual partner and apparently that wasn't enough to get me off. I was with a woman I love, a beautiful, sexy, open, adventurous woman, and I still had to jerk it hard while fantasizing to get off. I have no one to blame but myself.

jonny71

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2016, 04:10:28 PM »
Another day gone by. Day # 6 and still no PMO. Just got home from a massage. Not an erotic one for sure. She really beat up on me and I needed it, carrying lots of stress and anxiety in my neck, shoulders, and back. But in the past that could fuel fantasy, AND now I'm home for the rest of the day and night, alone.

As much as I know I need to focus on productive things, my mind wants to completely UNfocus and avoid.

Jeffreyhu

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #5 on: July 07, 2016, 04:40:50 PM »
Hey bud, hang in there. Six days is good! I would try to find somebody to hang out with and not be alone too much if possible. Not good to be alone...

jonny71

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #6 on: July 08, 2016, 03:08:54 PM »
Am really wanting to MO right now. It's been a week. No desire for the P, but an O would feel really good. Decided to jump on here quick first. Grrrrr....

7 days, no PMO

bob

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #7 on: July 08, 2016, 03:45:38 PM »
jonny71

Keep going. Doing great. One day at a time.

Peace

jonny71

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #8 on: July 10, 2016, 01:22:05 PM »
I've been cleaning and organizing around the house and just came across two Penthouse magazines (I know, right??) and was sooo tempted to "just" flip through them. But i resisted and put them in a box with some other stuff and tossed them in the trash. So happy I did but the thought of "just" a quick look is how I have gotten sucked down the rabbit hole so many times.

I've always had morning wood, though I suppose not every morning, but I did have a sexual dream this morning. Also had a non-sexual dream about my ex GF yesterday. God I miss her. :|

9 days no PMO.

bob

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #9 on: July 10, 2016, 04:51:32 PM »
jonny71,

I almost had that "heart thump" myself when I thought... what would happen if I came across such an encounter? You can pat yourself on the back for that one. You did the right thing and it too guts.

Way to go!

Peace

Gabriel1960

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #10 on: July 10, 2016, 08:18:54 PM »
Hey Jonny

Welcome to RB.  We're glad you're here.

jonny71

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #11 on: July 10, 2016, 10:23:31 PM »
Thanks for the support guys. I got through the day just fine.

I have noticed some guys have counters that say No PMO for X days, and some say No P or MO with P. I suppose this is completely individual, but have you changed how you look at it over time? Do you start with no PMO and at some point say MO is OK, as long as there is no P? Just wondering.

bob

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #12 on: July 11, 2016, 06:55:25 AM »
jonny71,

Yes, my counters have changed over time. I once got rid of all counters and used the spreadsheet listed on my journal. That is the google URL just above the current counter. Rationale was that it is more important to show progress; more that just the number of days. The win the war, not all of the battles concept.

Point I would like to make is that originally, I wasn't staying away from MO. I didn't think it was a big deal. Even made progress with cutting down the frequency of MO each month. But, it seemed that MO always brought me back into a situation where PMO was an option.

Now, its no PMO or MO for at least 90 days.

Peace.

jonny71

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #13 on: July 13, 2016, 04:45:00 PM »
Been thinking about sex with my ex gf this afternoon. Really made me want to MO. But the sex with her is one of the reasons I'm doing this. We had great, amazing, varied sex, but I still couldn't O without finishing it off myself, and often I had to be visualizing something in my head. :\

One of the big things that has helped the last couple weeks is my desire to be with a woman and be able to O. With my ex gf I finally had learned to enjoy the sex part and not worry about the finish line, but now i really want both.

Also I see these click-bait ads on the internet that look so inviting to pursue, knowing full well that the bait image is bullshit and would just send me digging deeper for more. I've managed to avoid it, but it makes me think about it.

12 days, no PMO

bob

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #14 on: July 13, 2016, 08:05:36 PM »
Keep going my friend,

I might even forgo the big O if you have great sex with your girlfriend. I know that would be difficult but either that or stay away just a bit more.

How long have you been working on no PMO? If it has only been 12 days, I think i would wait.

Peace

jonny71

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #15 on: July 14, 2016, 04:45:09 PM »
Feeling SO stressed out! Major money stress right now. And in times of stress I would go to the porn. Just lose myself for a while. God damn it all. Lately I just can't seem to catch a break. Fuck.

13 days no PMO

imnipper

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #16 on: July 14, 2016, 05:19:41 PM »
Hang on, dude.  I'm not someone that thinks that they know anything important but there is one thing that I know for sure:  whatever you are feeling right now, it is going to change.

I can't promise that it is going to change for the better or worse but it will change.  I guarantee that.  If it gets worse, it will change again.

Hope for the best, work towards better and DON'T use or pretend porn will help.



jonny71

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #17 on: July 15, 2016, 10:48:22 AM »
Still real stressed about $$ and work, but I avoided PMO last night even though I was home alone. Also feeling really depressed. I imagine it is a combination of my usual low level depression, what is going on in my life and the lack of endorphin release.

Today is my 14th day of no PMO, which I believe matches my previous best that I've only done once or twice since I was probably 12 or 13.


14 days no PMO

imnipper

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #18 on: July 15, 2016, 11:22:09 AM »
I'm so impressed....I lost it last night in the middle of the night when I checked my phone and there was mail from a tube site.  I clicked on it to check and see if the block I put on was working (at least that is what I told myself) and the next thing I new, I was wrestling with a video (telling myself to turn it off....in a second....I'm not going to O....in a second....does this count if I don't O....in a second....I'm really not going to do this.....).  It is a beast.  Stay strong and thanks for posting your truth.  It helps.



bob

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #19 on: July 15, 2016, 10:48:14 PM »
Way to go jonny71. That is a huge accomplishment. Keep it going!

imnipper,

Don't beat yourself up. Learn from your slip and continue to move forward.

Peace

jonny71

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #20 on: July 18, 2016, 03:39:24 PM »
Hey guys, thanks for the support. Made it through the weekend, which makes me feel good. I just got home though and jumped in the shower and just waves of fantasies about my ex gf come flooding in. God I really wanted to MO, and I was so close. But I thought about getting on here and writing, so I got out and here I am. I am proud of myself. I have not been known for my self control for pretty much my whole life. Now I don't intend to put off MO forever, though I'd like to be done with P for sure. I know MO is perfectly healthy, it's just the compulsiveness of it that has plagued me and which I hope to break through. I also have a goal, or really more of a wish. I have never had a wet dream. Too much PMO from an early age. I just hope it isn't too late for me. Is 45 to old to start? I don't know.

Anyway, thanks again for the support.

17 days no PMO

bob

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #21 on: July 18, 2016, 06:44:55 PM »
jonny71,

I have never had a wet dream.

Me neither and I am going to be 60 in 4 months! Crazy isn't it. :)

Peace

imnipper

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #22 on: July 18, 2016, 11:09:13 PM »
I continue to be impressed with your truth.  I have been doing a lot of bargaining (someone used the example of being a whiskey drinker and thinking that since it is vodka it isn't disruptive) and it has to stop.  You are absolutely right.  Someday I hope to have a healthy relationship with masturbation but (even without P) right now I can't.

I had a wet dream once when I was a kid.  That would be cool to rediscover.  I hope it happens for all of us.



Delerium

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #23 on: July 19, 2016, 04:48:17 PM »
Well done, Jonny.

For me I don't MO as well as no PMO.  I have to be hardcore like that because I like the endorphin rush and I need to get rid of the PIED. 

Like you my triggers are money stress as well as seeing beautiful women, doesn't have to be porn.  It's nice to be able to see a beautiful woman now and not automatically turn her into a sex object.  I may have lost a friend over this, because I wanted more than friendship with her but she did not want that.  I could not get over my attraction to her.


jonny71

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Re: I really need to change.
« Reply #24 on: July 20, 2016, 04:50:18 PM »
So a pretty good day. Hot and busy at work, but now I'm home in the AC. The last few days I've been trying to meet someone online. I haven't done this before, but it is daunting. Honestly, not a lot of prospects that I find interesting, but it has only been a few days.

19 days no PMO