Author Topic: Full Disclosure Starting A New Relationship  (Read 1227 times)

RecoveryJunkie

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Full Disclosure Starting A New Relationship
« on: July 02, 2016, 11:21:23 PM »
Hello ladies,

I have been dating this beautiful woman for about three months. Very early on in our relationship I told her about my PA and issues with PIED, about a week or two after statring dating her.  She was obviously quite shocked at first but decided to be suportive with my recovery.  i explained to her what rebooting was all about, hardmode. 90 days of no porn, masterbating or orgasming. I have not watched porn or masterbated to orgasm in 87 days.

We actually hit it off very well in the start and started developping feelings for each other but things started changing for her a few weeks ago after we made love for the first time and later that night she woke up  and found me trying to masterbate in my sleep, I have no recollection of this and she also believes I was sleeping. At first she said nothing of this but I noticed something wasnt right so I asked her what was going on.  She told me what happened and mentioned the incident which happened two nights in a row and also the fact that I had orgasmed a few times within the 90 days. I also used viagra once to see if it would help me come out of flatline but it didn't help and she was upset that I had taken Viagra without talking to her about it first which is understandable but it didn't occure to me to tell her at the time. She said all this made her confused and she felt she wanted some time to herself to think things out. She has often told me that it's ok with her that I am not able to get hard but I tried to explain that it is very frustrating for me as a man to not be able to function properly.

Iinitially I was very scarred to loose her, I was also frustrated because I just regained my ability to have sex. I really like her alot but when she told me that she wanted to slow things down I got very fearful and started hating how I felt completely powerless and controlled by the fear. This lasted about a week and although I still feel some fear it is not an impending doom feeling and I know whatever happends is not going to set me off and I am dealing with my issues in healthy ways like seeing a therapist and excercising regularly and eating well. 

We havent talked much over the last few weeks but tonight I stopped by her place and I told her of my progress despite the break. She was polite but quiet and when I asked her what was on her mind she said she doesn't want to talk about my recovery anymore.

I know we have feelings for one another and I want to move forward but it has gotten so awkward I often don't know what to do or say anymore. I'd like some sensible feedback from a woman's perspective. I will not to loose hope for recovery, I know I will beat this with or without her but I very much want her in my life.



RJ

stillme

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Re: Full Disclosure Starting A New Relationship
« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2016, 06:44:35 AM »
My take is that she didn't truly understand was porn addiction truly was. She probably thought you just really like to watch porn and you are trying to stop. She didn't understand about the brain changes that take place and that porn addiction manifests in a person similar to a drug addiction. When she found you masturbating in your sleep - it was probably only then that she realized just how deep and intensive porn addiction really is. Ask yourself if you would think it was wise for a woman to begin a new relationship with a man that was just a few weeks into recovery from a drug addiction? Would you advice a sister, daughter, niece, etc. to give a relationship a go with a man who is only 87 days from his last use of meth or cocaine? Yes, porn addiction is not where near as dangerous as drugs - but this isn't about what is worse, this is about what has happened to your brain from your use of porn and what it is going to take to get you truly free. The fact that you are even masturbating in your sleep and not even realizing it says there are some really deep connections that need to be severed. You thought you had gone so many days without masturbating - but you hadn't because you were doing it in your sleep - at least two nights, without even knowing it. Again, imagine someone who thought they were clean from alcohol, but were really drinking in their sleep without knowing it. That had to be very, very scary for her, again - because she didn't know what porn addiction really was. You all have just starting dating, she doesn't really know you yet. If I were in a new relationship and a man masturbating at night with no memory in the morning I would be concerned that he might try to force himself on me at night and have no recollection in the morning as well. I am NOT at all saying you would ever do this, I am not accusing you in any way - I am just saying that would be a fear of mine.

Being with a man having trouble getting fully erect as well as "finishing" is very, very hard on a woman. Especially when that man can accomplish those things watching porn (or that is what she might think). Women are taught that one thing a man can do without any effort is have an erection and have sex. We joke about how men can have sex with absolutely anyone as most have seen even the most unattractive, the most angry, the most evil women have sex with men and even get pregnant by them. It is incredibly hard not to take a porn addicts trouble in bed as a personal slight against our own selves - our beauty and attractiveness. Regardless of the commercials, there is no woman standing in the distance on a beach smiling because her husband/boyfriend/etc. has to take a pill just to have sex with her. It is embarrassing and again feels like a rejection. I mean, who really wants a man who can't get himself to work without a pill when your whole life you have been told that just seeing a pretty woman is enough to get a man ready for lift off?

It all just sounds like it is way too much for her to deal with. Most of the partners here are spouses that have been with our husband for a long time - more than a decade for many of us, some being married for over 20 years. It is hard on us. There is no way I would go though this process with a man I was only dating, and one I had only been dating for a few months. I think staying with her will hurt your progress. You will be self conscious and she will continue to act closed off. In reality, she has probably already checked out, but doesn't really know how to tell you.

Let her go and focus on you. You are going to beat porn addiction and then be ready for the relationship of a lifetime! It may be with her or with someone else. Don't do anything to slow down your progress. A wonderful, porn free world filled with intimacy, love, and yes - great sex, is waiting for you at the end of your recovery. Don't slow that down for a risk of a new relationship that it just may not yet be time for it to happen. Another option is to just focus on being her friend - no intimacy. It sounds like the sex won't be good for either of you for a little while yet anyway. Get her excited about you as a person. Being in bed together simply reminds her of your addiction. Stay out the bedroom and let her see all of your good qualities that aren't currently wrapped up in the porn addiction you are overcoming.

Date her without the bedroom scenes for a while. If you like each other even without sex, then you know the relationship can weather storms that might creep up even once the PA has been seemingly kicked. If either of you are not happy being with each other without being able to jump in bed - it isn't a relationship made to be lasting anyway. Hang in there!


RecoveryJunkie

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Re: Full Disclosure Starting A New Relationship
« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2016, 08:53:19 AM »
Thanks for your comments. I have been feeling that it is unfair to her to be in a relationship with me. We are both recovering alcoholics and the addiction and brain chemistry component was on the table from day one. Although She was a bit apprehensive in the initial disclosure I think we both got wrapped up in the excitement of a new and honest relationship. I really appreciate your comments. I do feel I need to let go of the romantic ideals. They seem to take up most of my thoughts and I know this is not healthy.

I also liked the idea of just hanging out once in a while with no romance. I will talk to her about this and if she isn't sure about it I will let it go completely.

Thank you so much for your insight and stay strong! I have the utmost respect for you as a person and what you have gone through.

God bless!
RJ