My Motivation to Freedom

I want to thank Reboot Nation & YBOP for my 90 day milestone and victory over porn and lust.

Thank you for your wealth of experience, knowledge, and success along with your profound sharing and honesty.  Your experience along with the science based information was what I needed for success. I reflect on these 90 days as the beginning of a new life for myself ? free from the bondage of lust, porn and self-destructive behavior. 

I am from Canada, 58 years old, married with a beautiful wife, children and a successful job. I am grateful?. but living a double life was killing me.  The build-up of lies, shame, regrets, and hopelessness over the years took its toll.

Today is the beginning of a new freedom. I am responsible for today, the next 90 days and the days ahead for ongoing victory over the obsessions of porn and lust.
In appreciation for all that you have given me, I want to share my story along with the motivation for my journey out of hell. 

Take care everyone and God Bless you on your journey and victory over porn and lust.

(It is impossible for me to rank what motivates me most. I will continue to add to this list as time goes on and as I learn more about the effects of my addiction)

Due to my addiction, my priorities were always upside down.  Getting my fix and not wanting to get caught (covering my tracks) always took priority.  I was consumed by lust and porn ? my wife and family suffered, my work suffered and I was unable to meet my own needs. I learned that my brain is plastic and the reboot process was bringing me back to sane thinking: an ability to cope with life?s issues, improved will power and diminished brain fog. The reboot is renewing frontal lobe functioning and its metabolism (fantastic gift!). Today my top priorities are my wife, family and my job along with my recovery program. 

I?ve been in recovery for sex addiction for 27 years -with some success. However, since the advent of high speed internet I have been a binge porn and sex addict. A typical binge cycle went like this:
a) I vow to stop - this time will be the last. 
b) I relapse on porn (after several weeks of abstinence)
c) I set up accounts on hook up sites for anonymous sex (after a couple of days on porn)
d) I hit some type of bottom (I can?t take it anymore)
e) I vow to stop ? this time will be the last.
A binge porn and sex addict lives in the flatline.  Thinking about this makes me cringe. Being knowledgeable about the physical withdrawals is a huge help and motivation to not take the first look or lust thought.  After the first 35 days doing hardmode (no porn, fantasy, masturbation or orgasm) I began to notice huge improvements both mentally and physically. I experienced less depression, more energy, morning wood and a normal looking dick to name a few. It?s an incredible and joyous time ? recovery! I don?t have to have another flatline!?

I?ve been a sex addict since I was 13 years old so I never understood or had a natural libido.  Between 35 and 58 days of my reboot, I noticed an increase in sexual attraction towards my wife, recognizing her beauty and a feeling of wanting to be close to her. On the 58th day of my reboot, I recognized my libido for the first time.  I woke up with morning wood and a healthy desire to make love with my wife.  At that moment I figured out, ?this is my libido.? That particular day I turned my energy into being productive: I got out of bed at 5:20am, did a full work-out in my garage, prayed and meditated, cleaned the whole house, the cars, got the groceries, and worked on some outstanding projects. I never stopped. I ended the day by watching some hockey and basketball playoffs. 5 years ago my wife realized I wasn?t going to make it in recovery ? she had enough!  I don?t have any expectations in reconnecting with my wife sexually; however, I have a strong desire to ?date my wife? and to rebuild our intimacy. My priority right now is to rebuild trust and to become the man my wife always wanted - it will take time and more recovery.  I have so much gratitude for the start of a healthy libido.

It?s difficult for me to write this truth because I have an immense amount of shame in the progression of my porn and sex addiction.  While feeding my addiction over the years, I experienced a vast array of porn & sex induced sexual dysfunctions. I was lost inside myself, caught up in fantasy and an unreal world. I crossed the gender line early in my addiction. I had a long term affair with a married man - to get my fix. My mind was warped with countless fetishes and risky behaviors. I feel I should have known better, but I was in denial about the emasculating effects of internet porn. By learning the desensitization process, HOCD , and sensitization process,  I understand my role in the development of the sickness. The awesome news is that I can regain my sexuality through the reboot process.  This alone brings so much hope and faith into my life. 

There are so many additional rewards to the reboot process. Some key benefits are:
? Reducing the shame around the addiction is a huge weight off my back. I can now hold my head high; I sense less social anxiety and walk with more confidence.
? If I experience brain fog related situations, I don?t take it personally and realize I?m human. I try to learn from the situation and perfect it.
? I am also free from drug escapades and excessive drinking.
? I enjoy life: eat properly, exercise, sleep better, enjoy the sun rise, only take cold showers, complete projects, more focus on the job, communicate better, not as serious and laugh more.
? I look forward to building integrity, becoming trustworthy, boosting my masculinity and becoming the man I am meant to be.   

There are no limits after the reboot and I urge all of you to get to know the enemy and to never give up!

In closing I express a heartfelt thank you to Gabe Deem for being on a Canadian news show (W5) where he shared his story and I learned about Reboot Nation. 

SaneMan - Congrats on 90 days.  Does your wife want to work things out?  It sounds like you do.

Dave

Thanks Dave!

If I could turn back time, I know we could of worked things out. My wife was very supportive and believed in me.

We're still together (under the same roof) for the sake of the family unit - our youngest is still in school. My wife always knew when I had a relapse...she may not of known the details but had a good sense that I was in my addiction.  I don't know if she could trust me again - she was hurt too many times.

Because, of my reboot and my positive attitude, we are definitely acting more like husband and wife in many ways. I have not disclosed much with her in terms of the reboot and the stuff I'm sharing on this site. My goal is to complete the 180 days - become more confident in myself and by September, tell her everything. My hope is that we can start over...begin with dating, take things at her pace and hopefully work things out.   

Thank you for your story. I can see many similarities to my life.

Thanks Sbiv - I wish you the best!  We're so lucky to have the solution.

I belong to a men's group and have a recovery buddy from my home town.
This is a great place but it can be lonely if you don't have support.  Take care!

Thanks for sharing your story and your success. I can relate to much of what you say (and am also from the Great White North).

Thanks TK - great to meet another Canuck.

Congrats to you as well and keep up the great work - there is lots of wisdom in your shares.

You said something that is really true: it is a double-life which is not good. Glad to hear to you are done with it.

Congratulations for you sir, I just wrote here cuz I am proud of you! God bless your life!

Hello TiramiSu & Archer_BRA - it is great to meet you both and thank you so much for your encouragement. I appreciate knowing I'm not alone. Good luck on your victories - keep up the great work! 

Saneman: Congrats on reaching 90 days! A true milestone but just the beginning of the rest of your life. Today is day 69 for me and I relate to much of your story though I never had affairs or crossed the gender line. I too am 58 and have been trying to get this monkey off my back almost since I put him up there. Your story is inspiring and you seem to be making great progress. Although what I am about to say may be heretical to some on this and other recovery sites, I would counsel against telling your wife "everything" no matter how much recovery you have. I learned in AA many years ago that the best amends you can make to your family for your past conduct is to live a sober, productive life. It sounds to me like you are doing exactly that. I remember reading an Isaac Singer short story many years ago where two old friends are talking. I think this is how it went. One is crazy about his wife, thinks the world of her, etc. The other friend knows that she is having an affair. The married friend senses uneasiness in his friend and asks what is troubling him. The other friend then asks his married friend, "would you rather be happy or know the truth?" The friend replies, "what is the point of truth if people suffer from it?" In a slight variation I would ask you, my friend, "would you rather your wife be happy or know the truth?" Because knowing the whole truth will, very likely, not make her very happy. Why burden her with everything you've done and lay it on her to have to forgive and forget. I think if she already knows about the addiction and sees your recovery from it, that is enough knowledge. She probably doesn't want to know everything anyway. My two cents. Have a great PMO-free day!

Thank you Alamar - I really appreciate your insight and the reference to the short story.

Because knowing the whole truth will, very likely, not make her very happy. Why burden her with everything you've done and lay it on her to have to forgive and forget. I think if she already knows about the addiction and sees your recovery from it, that is enough knowledge. She probably doesn't want to know everything anyway.

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I believe you are right. It's another reason why I will hold off for awhile and wait for more recovery. I want to speak to her with confidence and if she trusts me then I know we'll have a real future together. The past is over and my sickness was induced by porn and lust. There is no need to further burden my wife with details.

I sometimes think I'm living in the pink cloud but another part of me is saying that this is the new reality. I no longer want the addiction and the nightmare is over. I have the tools to stay sober and be free of lust and porn. 

Thanks again Alamar for your sharing and congrats on your recovery!

I just recently passed the 120 day mark on my other counter of taking cold showers and exercise.

This is a major achievement in my life because in the past my good intentions never lasted long...a few days or a week at the most.
I never understood why I could not stay motivated. It caused me much frustration and often led to being depressed.

AA describes alcoholism as a threefold disease. mental, physical, and spiritual. The alcoholic is viewed as dealing with a physical allergy to alcohol, a mental obsession to keep on drinking and an underlying spiritual malady that means willpower is not enough. Unless these three aspects of the condition are treated, the individual will not be able to escape their addiction.

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Along with cold showers and exercise, I've been consistently practising meditation morning and evening. I am far from a spiritual person but I am experiencing some of the benefits: focus, calmness, feelings, reasoning, less lonely, listening, gratitude, and the list goes on.   

I'll never judge anyone for being caught up in porn and living in self-destruction. Its a very powerful situation - much more powerful than me.

I am a science based person. The information on YBOP spoke to me and reasoned with me. Along with the added supported from others I am finally succeeding and am free from the bondage of lust and porn.