Author Topic: constant denile, excuses and secrecy  (Read 4171 times)

brokensoul

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 40
    • View Profile
constant denile, excuses and secrecy
« on: February 06, 2016, 04:49:28 PM »
I've been in this relationship just over 2 years.  I knew something was bizarre right away. We're long distance in two different cities. Every weekend he couldn't be reached.  I'd hear from him on Monday....sometimes.  I found out he was doing "sessions".  Traveling to other cities or flying other women to his city to do???? I had no idea this world existed nor had I ever even heard of porn addiction.  After a year into our relationship he came clean and told me that he hadn't had sex till 2012 and that was with a "session girl".  I was the only other woman he had been with.  He was 38 at the time.  He told me he had been masterbating to porn for over 20 years.  He didn't even enjoy sex.  He never had an orgasm during intercourse.  I found thousands of bizarre hard core porn on everything.  Phone, lap top, main computer, television, cd's.  I had never been exposed to any of that in my life.  I was scared, confused.  I am a fitness model and it all made me feel so incomplete.  He was having sex with session girls, porn & was on a multitude of cam sites.  I fear it is all still going on.  He told me he wanted to come clean, that he didn't feel normal and literally hated even viewing it but couldn't go without if for even 3 days.  He was open initially but now is back to secrecy and disappearing on weekends.  He's extremely combative whenever I bring up anything about it.  Says "Im not an addict, why are you trying to convince me I'm a porn addict?" Once again I find he's logged into these sites.  Doing damage control behind his back I've even called them and told them he was my under aged son and they needed to block him...etc.  I am so sick of all of this shit but yet I can't seem to let him go.  When we are together things are great.  Although he can't keep an erection and refuses to touch me not liking the feeling of a vagina, etc.  He has pretty much every single symptom of a porn addict, including the night sweats.  What do I do?  Is there any hope.  I'm dying inside.  He once told me he was hopeless & one hell of a reclamation project.  He now tells me he's not doing any of that anymore, but his body and actions are proving otherwise.  Someone please help me.  I don't want to be without him but he's taking me down.  I'm a constant mess.  I've lost myself in the midst of it all.
?


chickaboomski

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 162
    • View Profile
Re: constant denile, excuses and secrecy
« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2016, 06:17:36 PM »
Sorry to welcome your here broken soul. You are not alone. Unfortunately there are no straight answers. As a partner, the action has to come from them. I have been trying forever (a year now, but seems like forever) for my partner to wake up, and do something. The only thing we have control over, is staying or going. Setting our boundaries and sticking to them. I am a Personal trainer and life coach, my job is to help people find the beauty with in them and let it shine through on the outside. Like you being a fitness model, I am in great shape. But it no longer shines through from the inside. I feel like a fraud for what I do is in such contrast to how I feel now. Be sure to not let yourself get too lost in the process. The lines of communication in my relationship are not flowing. My advice would be to converse and make a decision for you first. My man knows I can't stand it any more. And he abstains. And he lapses. Nothing in the way he treats me changes while he is abstaining. Becauae it is on his mind 24/7. I know this even though we don't talk about it. Resentment grows. I picked my poison. And not truly convinced as yet it was worth it. Pick carefully. This can tear you apart. And don't like I did. Make a choice based on the idea that another brain will make the right decision. Addiction does not allow that freely to happen. Be sure to take time for you and focus on giving yourself what you need to stay strong. X

brokensoul

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 40
    • View Profile
Re: constant denile, excuses and secrecy
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2016, 01:49:40 PM »
He told me months ago he wanted to be normal, wanted to change....what is going on?  He's so distant. No eye contact, no touching.  Something is going on.  How do you make them face it all?  He was so deep or still is he had a multitude of porn site memberships, spent thousands on chat sites & was even flying women from all over the country to topless or nude wrestle.....etc.  But complains about a couple hundred dollars when I need it.  I feel like I have no value to him.  I don't know why he's still with me.  He has moments of "clarity" when he loves me and were so close and then he vanishes back into oblivion.  What can I do?  Does anyone have any suggestions?  Is there a place on here where men tell how their woman helped them or held them accountable?  I am so broken I can't sleep, eat....I've lost myself in all of this.

arahant

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 204
    • View Profile
    • My journal
Re: constant denile, excuses and secrecy
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2016, 04:28:36 PM »
Hello brokensoul,
I am a 31-year-old male currently in reboot.
I think you have to find a way to convince him that he has a problem. The need for change must come from his inner self. You cannot impose him anything. You also must be strong in talking to him and make clear that you are not OK with his behavior and you will not be there forever for him if he keeps denying his addiction.
I cannot offer advice from the point of view of my partner as she doesn't even know I'm a porn addict in reboot.
It could help if you could understand what is the pain and stress he's "treating" with porn and make him understand that you are available to help him.
It's a really complicated problem and sadly most guys here realize they have a problem when they develop erectile disfunctions. As far as I understand, he does have an ED, so you must make him see the link between porn and ED. Give him the facts.
If you love him I'm sure you'll find a way to connect with him.
I send you all of my support.

uglyduckling

  • Guest
Re: constant denile, excuses and secrecy
« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2016, 02:15:53 PM »
brokensoul I'm sorry you find yourself here. Honestly if I was in your position, I would run. You knew immediately something was off. You have a long distance relationship. You aren't married or have any kids to hold you together. He's having physical relationships with God knows who. You are putting your health at risk. He's wrapped up in things that you are completely unaware of. You are going to be in for a world of heartache. There is nothing you can do until he is willing to help himself. There is no correct answer. You have to do what your heart tells you. Listen to your gut. Take good care of you. All my best to you.
« Last Edit: February 09, 2016, 05:21:58 AM by uglyduckling »

Emerald Blue

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 807
    • View Profile
Re: constant denile, excuses and secrecy
« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2016, 05:04:39 PM »
I'm so sorry to read this. Like uglyduckling, I would say "cut your losses and run". If you stay with this man you are going to be in for a lot of heartache. 2 years out of a whole lifetime isn't that long, but would you really want to lose 5 or even 10 years of your life to such a miserable situation? It seems to me that this situation has gone way beyond porn and into the murky realms of full on sex addiction. Can you really live like that? It's bad enough with "just" online porn leaching the energy out of a relationship never mind all the crap that this guy is into.

Your #1 priority right now is your own wellbeing, not his. You can't fix him, he has to want it and be serious about quitting AND seeking help for whatever emotional reasons behind his behaviour. You can't make him quit, it's entirely up to him. So please decide what YOU want. You have to look at him for the man he is now, not the dream lover that you hope he will become in a magical future.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but any sane woman with a modicum of self respect wound not stand for that kind of behaviour. But love makes fools of us all, makes us crazy and we end up putting up with behaviour that wound horrify us if it was our sister or best friend putting up with it. So try being your own best friend! What advice would you give her if she poured her heart out and said all the things you've said here? I can't advise you how to live your life but I would say that it's a lot easier to get out now with your sanity intact than it will be a few years down the road.
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

Steam rolled

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 276
    • View Profile
Re: constant denile, excuses and secrecy
« Reply #6 on: February 10, 2016, 02:43:37 PM »
Personally - would have already forgot his name and number!
He has stepped wayyyy out of line!
LOVE IS NOT LONELY!!!

brokensoul

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 40
    • View Profile
Re: constant denile, excuses and secrecy
« Reply #7 on: February 16, 2016, 08:49:55 PM »
Valentines day he was home alone for over 12 hours.  I didn't hear from him all day.  He claims he watched 13 episodes of one of his favorite sitcoms.....really??  Last year valentines day he downloaded 13 porn videos.  The dates & times were all on the computer. I question everything he tells me.  When he's missing for several days, not answering his phone or text msg.  I fear he's "sessioning".  Or just on a porn binge.  He tells me he hasn't watched a video in months.  There is no evidence of anything anywhere....but he's extremely tech savvy and probably hiding everything.  He's a neurosurgeon and knows the brain very well.  He's totally aware of what he's doing to himself and to me.  His body can't lie.  At 38 he can't get a full erection.  He says he doesn't know why.  In everything I've read he's the poster child for full, hardcore, porn addiction.  Is there hope for him?  He's told me I'm everything he's ever wanted.  Even being a fitness model and being totally devoted to him I feel he's lying.  I can't compete with that shit.  It's so fake and unnatural. 

arahant

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 204
    • View Profile
    • My journal
Re: constant denile, excuses and secrecy
« Reply #8 on: February 17, 2016, 08:58:55 AM »
I'm sorry brokensoul, I can totally feel your pain.
If you feel that he's not there for you, and you don't see any hope the situation might improve in the near future, maybe I would end this relationship. Have you made clear to him that you can't take it any more and you don't believe these lies he's telling you? Come on, 13 episodes of a sitcom...
Streams of love.

Devo22

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 63
    • View Profile
Re: constant denile, excuses and secrecy
« Reply #9 on: February 25, 2016, 11:58:31 PM »
Is there a place on here where men tell how their woman helped them or held them accountable?

No there is not. Because most of the time just like with any other addiction the addict has to choose for themselves. Have you watched the movie Don Jon? Don Jon is a player who sleeps with extremely beautiful woman daily but still prefers porn over real sex. So pleeease do not judge yourself at all in this, doesnt matter if you are a perfect 10, porn hijacks the brain and the sexual response.

I stopped watching porn because I was on the brink of losing my girl. She helped me in that way, I also asked her if we could abstain from sex for awhile so I can fully recover and she is supportive with that as well. Other than that it is a struggle of the mind and soul. The addict needs to muster up willpower and inner strength. Other people can only do so much other than be supportive if the addict is truly trying.

He definitely sounds like a full blown porn addict still. Those moments when you see the true him where he is loving are probably when he has went a day or 2  without it. Going a day or 2 in my opinion is hardly trying. 

Since he is being defensive and seems to be fully addicted still, you should consider starting to emotionally detach from him. It is affecting your health and your well being. Maybe tell him your taking a break until he shows he is getting his act together. You seem to know all the signs of if he is still indulging or not so trust your intuition. It seems like you need a recovery from relationships as well so it would not hurt to lay off the dating for awhile and recover your strength. Good luck.

arahant

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 204
    • View Profile
    • My journal
Re: constant denile, excuses and secrecy
« Reply #10 on: February 28, 2016, 01:28:07 PM »
Hello brokensoul, how are you doing?

brokensoul

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 40
    • View Profile
Re: constant denile, excuses and secrecy
« Reply #11 on: March 02, 2016, 11:18:05 AM »
Just a mess....I of course found porn sites on his computer when I got here, (we're long distance and I spend the third week of every month at his place).  I just totally broke down.  He said he's dealing with it in his way.  He obviously had to spend the night before with "it" and probably the morning of before he went to work.  I felt it though....from another state, I just felt it.  He said he's given up a lot for me....he had the session girls, and web cam to prior.  Why the fuck am I even still here?  I am a mess.  Why can't I see myself without him.  I need to move on and I feel powerless.  It's become a sickness to me.  It's devouring me.

arahant

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 204
    • View Profile
    • My journal
Re: constant denile, excuses and secrecy
« Reply #12 on: March 02, 2016, 01:29:45 PM »
Hello bronkensoul,
I'm sorry for your pain and I think you should find the strength to leave him.
You should investigate why you cannot see yourself without him, what are the elements that keep you tied to him?
Are you completely sure these are not some masochistic motives that maybe have to do with your childhood?
Just guessing, from my experience when people find it difficult to leave painful relationships they do have strong subconscious reasons for that and they need to address them and learn how to think about themselves first and take care of themselves first.
Have you ever talked about this relationship to a therapist?
I send you all my support.

Chip

  • Guest
Re: constant denile, excuses and secrecy
« Reply #13 on: June 25, 2016, 03:17:12 PM »
I'm so sorry to read this. Like uglyduckling, I would say "cut your losses and run". If you stay with this man you are going to be in for a lot of heartache. 2 years out of a whole lifetime isn't that long, but would you really want to lose 5 or even 10 years of your life to such a miserable situation? It seems to me that this situation has gone way beyond porn and into the murky realms of full on sex addiction. Can you really live like that? It's bad enough with "just" online porn leaching the energy out of a relationship never mind all the crap that this guy is into.

Your #1 priority right now is your own wellbeing, not his. You can't fix him, he has to want it and be serious about quitting AND seeking help for whatever emotional reasons behind his behaviour. You can't make him quit, it's entirely up to him. So please decide what YOU want. You have to look at him for the man he is now, not the dream lover that you hope he will become in a magical future.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but any sane woman with a modicum of self respect wound not stand for that kind of behaviour. But love makes fools of us all, makes us crazy and we end up putting up with behaviour that wound horrify us if it was our sister or best friend putting up with it. So try being your own best friend! What advice would you give her if she poured her heart out and said all the things you've said here? I can't advise you how to live your life but I would say that it's a lot easier to get out now with your sanity intact than it will be a few years down the road.
I have to say I agree with EmeraldBlue.  I'm 46 and in Reboot, been married 21 years, but my porn addiction was just that, porn only.  Once a person starts interacting with other parties, ie strippers, prostitutes and who or whatever else, that changes the situation dramatically.  That is no longer porn addiction but sexual addiction/dysfunction.  More than likely he actually needs professional counseling to be able to overcome this and he doesn't even think he has a problem.  If you were to stay he's only going to sink you further and hurt you more.  2 years isn't nothing, but at least you aren't married to him, so starting over with somebody else is probably your best bet.  If he's as volatile as you say, I'd just send him a "Dear John" once i got home and move on, find somebody in the same zip code.  JMO

Erasmus_xlt

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 125
  • Personal Text
    Be transformed by the renewing of your mind...
    • View Profile
Re: constant denile, excuses and secrecy
« Reply #14 on: June 27, 2016, 09:25:59 PM »
I'd have to agree with so many others.  You're not married.  He has no desire to change.  He's put no effort into changing.  He doesn't even care enough to hide his tracks and what he may have for you may be infatuation but is definitely not love.

You would be well served to draw a line and give him an ultimatum:. Get help or get gone.  Personal experience tells me that until he has hit the bottom of himself, he will not quit.  From what I understand in your post, he is no where near that - he doesn't even value you over his fantasy world.

I think you are at a point where you could benefit from some professional help also.  You are in a situation where you are devalued and emotionally abused.  I know, because that's what we addicts do.  Furthermore, he seems to be pretty far gone.  If he is not wanting to even make a good attempt at change, what do you think will happen 3, 5 10 years down the road.  Your codependency will only fuel his addiction.

Please take a stand.  If you love him, let him go.  If the returns (after getting help), then he's yours.  If he doesn't, then he was never yours in the first place.

JMHO.