Author Topic: 37 years old male virgin seeking for advice.  (Read 7504 times)

akimotoakira

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37 years old male virgin seeking for advice.
« on: June 28, 2014, 06:23:56 AM »
Hello all,

I just found this website and decided to write a post about my situation.

I am a 37 years old, physically healthy, educated, middle-class man. I live in a small town in Central Europe. As far as I can judge my appearance is average and I guess my family, friends, neighbours and business partners think I am "just okay". But I am not okay at all. I have never been able to reach the level of sexual intimacy in my relationships, so I am still virgin. Yes, a 37 years old male virgin. I have a little experience in kissing, hugging, touching girls, because I dated 3 girls in my life. But I always were too shy and embarrassed to initiate anything more intimate. And these relationships lasted only for a few months.

My relationship with porn is a more lasting one. I've been masturbating since I was 13. And I have been using porn since I was 18. Even though it means almost 20 years, I don't think I am an addict. If I decide not to watch porn, I can live without it for several weeks. Probably married guys around me watch porn more frequently.

I would be grateful if you'd answer some of my questions.

 - First of all... how unusual do you think my situation is? I feel kinda isolated, outcasted from society if I think that maybe I'm the only 37 years old virgin in a 60 mile circle or so... :-P Am I beyond hope?

 - Is it a good idea to lose virginity to a sex worker? I find it slightly morally questionable... but maybe I would feel better to think of myself as "a 37 years old guy, single, once paid for sex" than "a 37 virgin weirdo". (Prostitution is legal in my country.) Moreover I don't think normal dating with normal girls would work anymore without more experience. Women expect guys in my age to be quite experienced... I would not blame them to say no to a 37 years old virgin.

- Do you think my situation is the consequence of watching porn and masturbation?

- What should I do to fix my life?
« Last Edit: June 28, 2014, 06:26:25 AM by akimotoakira »

ssoac

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Re: 37 years old male virgin seeking for advice.
« Reply #1 on: June 28, 2014, 08:07:06 AM »
Hi akimotoakira,

First of all, you're not a weirdo and especially not so for being a virgin, regardless of age.

As this is is mainly a forum for porn addiction, I'd suggest you start there - remove porn from your diet.
If you want to have sex with a woman - remove masturbation as well.
This, I suppose will normally lead to your increased interest and interaction with women.
And women are not so much impressed with your sexual experience or lack thereof.
If you feel embarrassed (and you shouldn't be) just say that it's been a really long time since you've done this, and that you might not perform exceptionally well the first time. Or just tell the woman that she's your first. And you might be surprised to find that she is even flattered.

Now, this might not work too well for one night stands, but for a more meaningful relationship.

And just to close the topic about virginity - don't  fret about it too much. After you've had your first sex you won't be 5 inches taller. You won't float above ground. It is normal, we all exist because of it.

Quote
- What should I do to fix my life?

This is your life. If you want to enjoy it more - start where you are.
Decide what feels right for you. Face in that direction. Then just start, and keep going.


akimotoakira

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Re: 37 years old male virgin seeking for advice.
« Reply #2 on: June 28, 2014, 08:18:12 AM »
Thank you very much, Ssoac. :)

Mart71

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Re: 37 years old male virgin seeking for advice.
« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2014, 01:46:29 PM »
Hi,
I can relate. I lost my virginity rather late and was intimate with only two women my whole life. One was my first gf in my late 20's, the other is my current gf. I am 42 y.o. Between these two women, there has been a decade of no intimacy and no women in my life, just porn.

So to answer your questions:

If you had sex doesn't define you as a person. It is only a very small part of who you are, but we men tend to see it as very important. But it is not.

Don't go to a sex worker. That would be a waste. If you want to seek a relationship with a woman, you can give this to her as a gift. It does not matter how old you are. If she is your first, it will be special for her. This is actually an asset, if your character is otherwise fine. And again: sex is important, but if you connect with someone, it is so much more and your prior sexual experience doesn't really matter. My current girlfriend and myself, our sex-life started out crappy (I have P.I.ED and am sexually inexperienced - she is very horny, but also inexperienced). But we kept working on it and it gets better and better. It also deepens our bond, walking this path together.

Porn. I have been using for two and half decades and stopped last year. I also met my gf at the same time I stopped porn. When you have been using for so long, it does things to you which you don't even notice. Desensitization to real women. Suppression of the urge to bond. It takes off the edge, you develop a 'why even bother' mindset regarding women. Numbed emotions. Things like that.

I am not saying it is the root of all evil - it is not - but living without porn has changed me for the better. Try to go for a really long time without porn and see, if your emotional state changes. It is not a question of being addicted - it is a question of maybe using has already changed your brain and emotions.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2014, 01:48:29 PM by Mart71 »

akimotoakira

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Re: 37 years old male virgin seeking for advice.
« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2014, 03:56:58 PM »
Thank you very much, Mart71!

Bibbity

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Re: 37 years old male virgin seeking for advice.
« Reply #5 on: June 28, 2014, 04:13:52 PM »
I am a woman and I can tell you that most of us do not care about experience.  I have slept with "experienced" men and they weren't exactly awesome in bed, far from it.  My husband was a virgin when we got together at 25 and he was a great lover!  I was surprised but I think our emotional connection was way more important than his experience.  Treat a girl right and she won't care! 

I agree with the guys in this thread that stopping all porn is key.  You will start to see women as humans with emotions, love and compassion who will treat you right regardless of your prowess in the bedroom :)
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

Viper

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Re: 37 years old male virgin seeking for advice.
« Reply #6 on: June 28, 2014, 04:28:30 PM »
Before I start, let me just say that it's possible that there are more adult virgins out there
who are around your age. It's not something to brag about so you think you're alone.


Now to answer some of your questions.

-as far as the numbers go, sure there are more non virgins by the time men reach your age but that doesn't mean
something is wrong with you. I commend you for bringing up this detail in your journal.

-i think it's a bad idea to pay anyone to drop their pants for you. Problem with that is it can get addictive.
You won't improve your quest to have a normal relationship with a woman that includes sex regularly.
Because as far as your concerned, if that person doesn't put out, it will be all good as long as you have enough money to drop
on a pro. So I believe this is counter-productive. I don't even like strip clubs. Pay someone to show me their tits?
No thanks. And by the way, I'm not writing this based on some moral compass. Truth is there are to many and I mean to many women out there who will satisfy any need you have willingly.
So now it's about the anxiety you have to escalate from meet/greet to suck/fuck.

-combination of porn and masturbation is not why you're still a virgin. It's a good idea to stay away from both because
it can become a problem. Don't wait for a problem to occur before you take some corrective action. You're not going to be a virgin forever unless you choose. Again, even though it's not true that porn/masturbation has anything to do with your situation, by all means, you should abstain from it anyway because it will be a problem.

- I'm thinking that this virgin thing is stressing you out. Don't get me wrong, it would stress me out too. But I just want you to know that the vast majority of the users on this forum have had sex before and have a different type of problem that you wouldn't want. Trust me!
I hope you are able to put that in perspective.
I'm thinking that you your anxiety has a lot to do with your problem. You probably had some good opportunities but couldn't
bring yourself to escalate. So my advice is to see if you can counsel with a therapist. Don't know the going rates in your country but it's not cheap here in USA. But this is your life we're talking and you want to take it back. It's worth a look-

stangles

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Re: 37 years old male virgin seeking for advice.
« Reply #7 on: June 29, 2014, 07:22:49 AM »
I think it depends on your reasons for wanting sex. If you don't like your life because you are alone then having sex once won't change anything. Only a relationship will. But if you are happy with your life and you just want to experience what sex is then I guess you may as well pay for it if you feel its too hard to get otherwise. After all no one will know but you so its really down to what you want.

qwerty44

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Re: 37 years old male virgin seeking for advice.
« Reply #8 on: June 30, 2014, 02:33:20 AM »
Quote
- What should I do to fix my life?

I would recommend reading "The Game" by Neil Strauss. 

You're going to think that it's cheesy, and that it's BS, but it's very motivating, and will give you hope.  Then I would recommend going to a bootcamp.  Just be sure to do research ahead of time.  There's a lot of scams in the PUA community, but there is also some great teachers out there.