Author Topic: Broken But Redeemed: My Journey Towards Sexual Healing & Wholeness.  (Read 1532 times)

Brokenbutredeemed

  • Guest
I am new to this site and want to share my story with you.  I am going to proviide some background information first to provide some context for the people reading my journal.

I am a 53 year old male who has been married for nearly 26 years.   My wife and I are Christians and we were both virgins when got married.  Growing up, I never saw any pornography in my home.  When I was in junior high,  I saw my first Playboy magazine and it wasn’t until I was in high school that saw another one.   As a teenager, I decided one day to go through my dad’s closet and I found a book entitled “The Gift of Sex” and it was ‘how to’ manual on making love to your spouse.  Needless to say, it was very arousing for an adolescent male.

As a teenage male, I did masturbate some, but I never masturbated to the point of ejaculating until I was a sophomore in college.  Once l learned that I could experience an orgasm without having sex, I was a bit hooked on masturbation to the point of climaxing.  The teenage girl next door would invite me to go horseback riding with her and I loved to sit as close to her on the horse as I could because it created  instantaneous erection in my jeans and  it felt great.

I’m going to fast forward to college where I met my wife.  We fell in love during my sophomore year and got married several years after I graduated from college.  I waited to get married for five years after college because my parents had had a horrible marriage and had had very little sex for a long portion of their marriage.  So, I was afraid of intimacy based upon what I had seen with my parents.  Also, my mother was an alcoholic and that made it difficult for me to be real with my mom and family members because my mother had so many walls that she had built to prevent people from getting close to her emotionally.

Because I was a virgin and had never had sex before, I spoke with my best friend, Jeff, who had tons of experience putting women to bed, about the whole sexual experience and asked for his advice.  Interestingly enough, he confided in me that he suffered from premature ejaculation (PE) and he  suggested that I masturbate a few times the week I was getting married and encouraged me to climax as this would ‘slow me down’ on our wedding night.  I was concerned that I would penetrate my wife and climax in less than a minute based upon his sexual experience, so I did masturbate and climax several times the week of my wedding.

I include the above paragraph because this was my first experience of climaxing on my own before having sex with my wife.  On our wedding night, we went to our hotel room and had sex for the first time together.  My bride wanted to ensure that we had enough lubrication, so I put on a ton of KY on my throbbing organ and I remember penetrating her for the first time.  It was like my penis was floating in a pool of ‘goo’.  Because of the prior week’s masturbation and using too much lubricant , and I lasted for around 20-30 minutes much to the surprise and delight of my new wife.   Looking back, however, climaxing several times before the ‘big night’ was a mistake.

We spent a week in Jamaica and had sex three to five times a day that week.  For the first 18 years of our marriage, we had a mutually satisfying symbiotic sexual relationship.  During this time, I learned how to stimulate her to the point where we both climaxed at the same time.  I am telling you this, not to brag, but to demonstrate how much I lost in terms of sexual intimacy later in my marriage as a result of pornography, masturbation, and climaxing (PMO).  Because my sex life with my wife had been so satisfying up until this point in my marriage, I wasn’t even vaguely interested in looking at online pornography or masturbating on a regular basis.  My Christian faith coupled with a great sex life also played a role in keeping me away from porn and masturbation.

About ten years ago, our youngest son was diagnosed with a brain tumor and a malformation of his brain stem.  At about the same time, I had just begun a new job working about 60 hours a week and worked about six days a week for nearly six years.  Our son developed a severe form of ‘prescription resistant’ depression and had to be hospitalized several times over the course of the past ten years because of his depression.  Needless to say, this kind of stress is not conducive to having an optimal marriage and a stellar sex life.  To make matters worse, my wife began to go through menopause and would suffer incredibly uncomfortable hot flashes, so she decided to sleep in our lower-level guest  room.   As you can probably imagine, this was a recipe for relational and sexual disaster.

Four years ago, I changed jobs to a much less stressful position and I now work a pretty typically 40 hour work week.  However, I was issued an I-Pad during that time and began to bring it home because we only have one computer in our home and I wanted to be able read articles on various websites  the evening.  Well, you can probably see where this was heading:  I began to search for online photos that would arouse me.  Eventually, I discovered various websites that had various types of pornography videos which I found to be extremely sexually stimulating.  So, you can guess the rest:  I began to lose myself in a world of pornographic fantasy because my sex life had deteriorated so much because of the factors that I outlined above.  I also have to admit that I made a conscious choice to surf the web for porn and I made a conscious choice to substitute pixalted photos on the web and sexy videos for a true and fulfilling sexual relationship with me wife.  I also want to be clear that I own and take full responsibility for my actions.

So, you may be probably wondering how I ended up on this website.   Over the past three years, as I immersed myself more and more into my pornographic fantasy realm, I noticed several changes in me that were occurring:

1)    My libido dropped dramatically.
2)   I found myself no longer interested in my wife sexually
3)   When we did have sex, I found it rather monotonous and quite routine.  Remember, for the first 18 years of my marriage, I had had a GREAT sex life, so this was a bit surprising to me.
4)   I found that I wasn’t getting aroused right away or at all when lying naked next to my beautiful wife
5)   I found that I had to conjure up sexual fantasies in order to get aroused in her presence and had to do so if I wanted to climax
6)   I began to suffer from delayed ejaculation.

Earlier this year, my wife and I went on a cruise together and I abstained from masturbation, porn, and climaxing for a couple of weeks before the cruise.  This time, however, I noticed that my libido (sex drive) was in OVERDRIVE and we made love at least two or three times in our cabin and I climaxed in a normal amount of time (less than ten minutes).  At that point in time, I hadn’t made the connection between abstaining from PMO as having any effect upon our sex life as a couple.  But, I did certainly enjoy the sex that week!
We returned back home and to the reality of living with a son with mental illness and ended up taking him to the hospital several times and even to the Mayo Clinic to seek help for him.  As you can imagine, our sex life went back to where it had been before the cruise:  to NOTHING.  Because of the emotional roller coaster that we were on with our son’s depression and suicide attempts, I reverted back to PMO to serve as an outlet for my sex drive and, quite honestly, to deal with the stress.

Sometime during this period earlier this year, I confessed to my wife that I had been masturbating because she had noticed that my performance in bed after our cruise was quite different:  I was not interested in sex and, when we did get naked in bed in together, I wasn’t get aroused and I couldn’t get or keep an erection.  I told her that I had been ‘taking matters into my own hands (masturbating).  At that point in time, she said something that was very prescient at the time:  ‘I wonder if you have conditioned your penis to like your hand more than me.’  I could tell that she was hurt and I felt horrible and I knew that there was some truth to what she was telling me, but I just hadn’t connected all of the dots yet.

So, I decided to set up a ‘date night’ at a local hotel and get away from our home with my wife for an evening together and to have uninterrupted sex.  TRIGGER ALERT:  I decided to massage my wife naked as a form of foreplay together warming up for the ‘big event’.  Next door to us, was a couple who were climaxing over and over together and they were both very vocal and here’s me with a flaccid penis massaging my naked wife’s body and I couldn’t even get an erection.   I felt embarrassed and totally EMASCULATED as a male and as her lover/husband.

Unfortunately, I discovered that I could only get an erection and climax while watching porn online and erotic photos. I also discovered that my favorite videos and photos were no longer enough to excite me.  So, I began to venture into S & M types of videos to climax.  Whenever my wife would hint at having sex, I would make some type of overture to me about having sex, I would find some excuse and, in essence, push her away.  As a Christian, the Bible teaches that a husband and wife should not withhold sex from one another unless it is a mutual decision.  So, not only was I sinning against her, I was sinning against God and myself by straying away from sexual relations with her.

In addition to the symptoms that I described earlier regarding my sexual performance, I also discovered that during the deepest and most intense periods of PMO, I was also:

1)   Wanting to isolate myself from friends and family
2)   Suffered from ‘brain fog’
3)   Was constantly fatigued
4)   Would wake up constantly during the night
5)   Had absolutely NO spontaneous erections:  none at night, none in the morning, and rarely any when I initiated sex.

So, I went online and Googled porn and sexual dysfunction and came across several great websites that I began to read.  FINALLY, I found out that I had conditioned my penis to wanting my hand to attain an erection and that I had desensitized my penis and body to my wife’s vagina.  Furthermore, I was suffering from a ‘dopamine’ high which was causing all of the symptoms I’ve described in this journal so far.

Before I found these websites, I thought that perhaps I was becoming or had become impotent because of my advancing age.  However, after reading these websites, watching the videos, and reading lots of articles, I realized what I had done to myself sexually speaking.

Nearly seven weeks ago, I took my IPad back to work and put it back in the box that it arrived in.  It is now uncharged and sits in a drawer in my office and there it shall remain   Ever since that time, I have not gone to a single porno website and I have not downloaded pornographic images.   In addition, I have not ‘taken matters into my own hands’ since then.  Absolutely NO masturbation.

I also confessed my sin to God and asked Him to forgive me, to heal me, and to restore the wonderful, vibrant, sensual, and FULFILLING sexual relationship that I had had with my wife.  My inability to perform in bed with my wife had ‘broken’ me and was the last straw.  I asked God to give me the ability and grace to somehow confess to my wife what I had done and to ask her forgiveness and help during my rebooting period.

During the past seven weeks, I have become alive once again and my love for my wife has been reawakened.  My wife commented on how attentive I was to her (non-sexual feet and shoulder massages), buying her flowers, opening the car door for her, being affectionate, etc.   I told her God was doing a deep work in my heart and she wanted to know more about it.  Last Sunday, I began to verbally express to her what was happening within my heart.  She than asked me this question, “What about our sex life.”

That question opened the door for me to confess what I had been doing over the past several years and I explained how I had become addicted to PMO.  I also told her about rebooting and what I needed to do in order to rewire my brain and penis back into a sexual relationship with her.  Much to my relief, she told me that she forgave me and she confessed that she, too, had masturbated to the point of climaxing after several of my failed penetration attempts during sex with her.

That night, TRIGGER ALERT, we went back into our bedroom, I ran a warm bath, and we both sat in the tub together completely naked. Because of the grace of God and because of my sexual and visual abstinence, as soon as I saw her naked,  I had the hardest erection that I can remember in a long, long  time.  I cradled her in my arms, had her lay back on me in the tub, and my penis remained hard as a rock for 20 minutes.  I was so relieved and happy about my erection, that I took my wife’s hand and had her hold my erect and raging penis for several seconds.

We ended up getting into bed and I still had a rock hard solid erection.  After twenty minutes  of cuddling, she allowed me to penetrate her with my erect penis. I agreed that I would not thrust and would not purposively attempt to climax. TRIGGER ALERT: Men, the sensation inside of her was amazing!  Actually, having a fully erect penis allowed me to feel the walls of her vagina and actually experience the sensations my penis was designed to experience inside a woman.

Since last Sunday, we have had three rounds of sexual intercourse and, last night, I climaxed within her after about five minutes of gentle thrusting.  Because of my total abstinence for the past six weeks, the climax was just like old times.  In fact, I had such a build-up of sperm, that when she stood up, my ejaculate was pouring down her legs.

I apologize for being so graphic, but I want to illustrate that rebooting really does work and you must involve your partner in the process.  The rebooting process is truly a process involving neurological, physiological, and sexual healing that must occur and it occurs over time.  It also involves your total abstinence in order to achieve the desired outcome that you are longing for.

In terms of the other physiological changes that I have noticed, they include:
1)   A raging libido.  I feel like an 18 year old again.  All I want to do is make love to my wife and I have been thinking about sexual Intercourse all day long snince last Sunday.
2)   I am getting spontaneous erections during the day at work.  This is a bit ,embarrassing but  truly welcomed since I had flatlined for so long.
3)   I wake up at night and I often have an erection
4)   I often wake up in the morning with an erection
5)   I get an erection when I think of having sex with my wife
6)   I am getting an erection when I kiss my wife

Men, I am writing this journal to give you hope..  I thought that I was sexually broken for the rest of my life  and that a fulfilling sexual relationship with my wife was over.   Now, I realize that rebooting is a necessary healing process that takes time, takes the grace of God for you to overcome, takes willpower and abstinence on your part along with total honesty with your partner.

Right now, I am so relieved to know that there is hope.  I am also looking for an accountability partner to help me stay on the straight and narrow path.

If you are reading this suffer from PIED (porn induced erectile dysfunction) or DE (delayed ejaculation), there is hope.  But, first, you have to admit to having a problem and turn from your former ways.  PMO will ruin you sexually and will destroy any type of normal sexual relationship with your wife.


Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  Forgive yourself for your past, ask God’s forgiveness for your sins, abstain from porn and masturbation, and you will be on the road to recovery.

Thank you for being a part of my recovery and journey.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2016, 07:53:06 AM by Brokenbutredeemed »

RecoveryJunkie

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 111
    • View Profile
Re: Broken But Redeemed: My Journey of Sexual Healing & Wholeness.
« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2016, 09:32:27 PM »
Thank you so much for sharing your success story. I have recently started a new relationship after my fiancé left me for another man due o lousy sex because of my PMO addiction. When she left I told ur about my porn addiction but I didn link the ED with porn us as I was not yet educated enough. I just thought perhaps I wasn't attracted to her even though she was gorgeous. This was all very confusing. She left me f another man and the PMO had robbed me of the fight so I simply let her go and continued to PMO daily. Since meeting this beautiful woman who I am very attracted to. I was honest with her from the beginning. I thought much like you did that if this reboot was going to work I had to be open and honest with my partner. It's been two months and I ba yet to have an erection. Like you described but out intimacy and sex life is very passionate and after being initially shocked by my revelation of PMO she has given me so much support and understanding and I think I am truest fallng in love with her. I'm almost 2 months free  from Porn and masterbation but I have had a few Os with her while she has had many. I a. Trusting in God and in the process and am learning Fr the first time in my life that it is possible to go without masterbation to extended periods. I no longer struggle with porn but sometimes catch myself ou hing my penis. It's kind of a subconscious ' let's see if he's awake yet' I have never fully engaged in M or MO since starting the reboot and although I cannot retain an erection for intercourse yet, my confidence is up and I no longer fear social situations. I have become very open emotionally with my partner but not to the point of overdoing it either if you know what I mean. I am very hopeful when reading your story that things will work out for me also if I am patient and continue with the reboot process.

Good luck to you BBR. Fell free to PM me anytime.
RJ

Erasmus_xlt

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 125
  • Personal Text
    Be transformed by the renewing of your mind...
    • View Profile
Re: Broken But Redeemed: My Journey of Sexual Healing & Wholeness.
« Reply #2 on: June 04, 2016, 03:20:39 AM »
Congratulations.

I am quite encouraged by reading your post.  My situation is quite a bit different than yours. However, seeing that you were able to return to a regular life of making love to your wife is exactly what I needed to hear.

I pray that you and your family are blessed.



Erasmus_xlt

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 125
  • Personal Text
    Be transformed by the renewing of your mind...
    • View Profile
I am happy for your progress with your wife.  I hope and pray that in a few days...weeks...months...(gulp, years) that I can really start repairing my relationship with my wife.  Everytime she talks to me now, is an angry rampage of what I have been in the past.  I fight myself to stay.  I hate seeing her this way and knowing that I am the reason.  Even worse, I can't fix it.

I am resigned to the long run and she will have to be the one to leave.  I've made my bed and have to sleep in it.

But, keep posting of your progress.  I am encouraged by it as I am sure others are also.



malando

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1037
  • Personal Text
    Something deep should be here, but it isn't...
    • View Profile
Very happy for you that your life is back on track along with your relationship with your wife. Congrats.

I do feel the details you put in there were not necessary though. Keep in mind there are hundreds of people reading these threads every day - many of whom are on a hair trigger regarding P and P-substitutes. I think what you wrote was a P-substitute - and intentionally so. I used to read stuff like that in Penthouse Forum for God's sake! We didn't need those details of penises, vaginas and the motions and orgasms that accompanied them. I also don't think just writing "Trigger Alert" is an adequate disclaimer. I really think a description of the emotional aspects would have sufficed. The graphical detail added no value to us P-addicts and in fact endangers some of us.

Sorry to rain on your parade, but I feel very strongly about this issue and if this forum isn't a place to be honest about things, I don't know what it's for.

Best wishes,
M.

Boo

  • Guest
Very happy for you that your life is back on track along with your relationship with your wife. Congrats.

I do feel the details you put in there were not necessary though. Keep in mind there are hundreds of people reading these threads every day - many of whom are on a hair trigger regarding P and P-substitutes. I think what you wrote was a P-substitute - and intentionally so. I used to read stuff like that in Penthouse Forum for God's sake! We didn't need those details of penises, vaginas and the motions and orgasms that accompanied them. I also don't think just writing "Trigger Alert" is an adequate disclaimer. I really think a description of the emotional aspects would have sufficed. The graphical detail added no value to us P-addicts and in fact endangers some of us.

Sorry to rain on your parade, but I feel very strongly about this issue and if this forum isn't a place to be honest about things, I don't know what it's for.

Best wishes,
M.

Broken,

I have to agree with Malando on this. I've wanted to comment before but withheld my remarks because you've gotten a lot of positive responses to your posts. That said, a good bit of your postings have read like erotic porn. When you talk of "engorged cock", "pre-cum streaming down your rod", what exactly are you trying to accomplish with graphic language like that?

Okay, you're reconnecting with your wife. I get it. I am too. BUT, I'm not interested in graphic descriptions of your wife's vagina, or your "cock", for that matter. This is unnecessary. I'm frankly surprised that the mods have not called you out on this. It really doesn't matter that your posts are laced with other faith affirming language aimed mostly at believers, of which I am one.  You need to tone it down Bro.. It's not a good example as a believer. I'm happy that you're doing well but there's such a thing as TMI (too much information). Anonymity is no excuse when the end result is triggering people unnecessarily. Wise up!


« Last Edit: June 11, 2016, 10:19:23 AM by Boo »