Author Topic: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.  (Read 5643 times)

RecoveryJunkie

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Hi folks,

I've been doing ok on my first ever reboot. I'm nearing 2 months without M or P and although this feels great I have to say it hasn't been easy. The yourbrainonporn.com website has been an integral part of my recovery. I can't really explain why but after getting educated to the nature of this disease and how it affects the brain, I have had very little desire to watch porn.

Resisting M has been a challenge as lust is triggered almost every time I see a sexy woman. My brain doesn't seem to be able to see the issue with lusting after women. I'm coming to a point where I want to be free of lusting as much as I want to be free from porn. I know this is possible though it won't be easy.

I have noticed a significant improvement in my mental clarity and self confidence, not to mention the social anxiety I was feeling is leaving me. Another thing I've noticed is that things that were once important to me that were neglected are becoming important toe again. These are the first real benefits to quoting PMO.

I need to go to bed right now but with continue on this topic at a later date
RJ

RecoveryJunkie

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2016, 09:49:52 PM »
Today was a good day, first part of my day was very busy with work then met with my therapist this afternoon. I met with a buddy who has also sworn off porn and is 8 days free. I am very happy for him and feel blessed to have a buddy to walk this strange road with. I convinced him to open up to his wife about the secrets as I have with my partner and I have a feeling they will be able o work things out. I find it really amayzing that when you start to do the right thing God puts the right people in your path.

I'm really excited to the road trip tomorrow and for seeing my daughter perform in her first lead role in a theatrical play. I'm so proud of her and greatful to have the clarity of mind to be present for her in this important time in her life. I'll be also meeting he first boyfriend for the first time. That makes me feel a bit old and that's ok. I will also be travelling with some of my my favourite and most important people in my life, my parents and my partner! Life is good!
RJ

Porn2Bmild

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #2 on: June 04, 2016, 12:56:36 AM »
Hope your road trip was as fun and fruitful as you hoped it would be, RJ.  Have a good weekend!

If your mind can conceive it,
And your heart can believe it,
Then your body can achieve it!

RecoveryJunkie

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #3 on: June 04, 2016, 02:41:18 AM »
Thanks so much guys. I've just had one of the best days of my life. I drove three hours to spend a bit of time with my 16 yr old daughter. This afternoon she introduced me o her bf who is a very smart guy who likes the same music as I do. I witnessed him kiss my daughter on the cheek in the most loving way and I almost cry when I think how lucky I am to have such a great kids with a great head on her shoulders. After the play such was really awesome we got some cards and played Eucre with my parents. I haven't laughed so much in a very very long time. My gf and I made out and cuddled to an hour and things are going very well with the both of us and we both feel so blessed to have each other. I can't believe how much my life has changed for the better in the last 2 months since quitting PMO and opening up ta beautiful woman. Life is damn good and God loves me. What else is there?!
RJ

Jailbird

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #4 on: June 04, 2016, 12:53:24 PM »
Looks like you are winning the war and enjoying the spoils. I know it hasn't been easy its been like hell. I also had a moment of reward today, just over a month into the reboot and though yesterday was a kick in the teeth (ridiculous PE after a few hurried seconds, though that may have been hangover induced) today allowed me to satisfy my wife for the first time in months. Death to porn, I fucking hate it.

RecoveryJunkie

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #5 on: June 04, 2016, 07:48:30 PM »
I hear you bro! Porn fucking sucks. The great destroyer of real men. Still suffer from ED after almost two months but I try not to harp on it because so many other good things are happening I don't want to loose faith so I'm trying to focus on the good!
« Last Edit: June 04, 2016, 09:04:07 PM by RecoveryJunkie »
RJ

malando

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #6 on: June 04, 2016, 10:25:51 PM »
I hear you bro! Porn fucking sucks. The great destroyer of real men. Still suffer from ED after almost two months but I try not to harp on it because so many other good things are happening I don't want to loose faith so I'm trying to focus on the good!

So true. I can't believe what a big part of my life it was. I feel like it was an alternate universe now. I can't relate to that person anymore. What an idiot he was! My brain was in a fog about this for so many years, and it probably caused all kinds of secondary effects in my life that I'm not even aware of. Unbelievable. Better late than never though. Great job though, RJ. You are a beacon for me in the way you are handling yourself.

RecoveryJunkie

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #7 on: June 05, 2016, 10:57:52 AM »
So today is 2 months without PMO or even M alone. I feel amayzing, I'm falling in love with this awesome woman who I've been honest with about everything. I am still in a sort of deep flatline and sometimes feel jealous that some of you guys are beginning to function much quicker than myself. I was really hoping it wouldn't take this long.

I am trusting in the process and am really trying to not get down on the inability to have intercourse. I may try some V or C after 90 days to see if this helps get away from flatline but for now I'm staying the course and I really do feel great. Thanks to RN and great bunch of guys who without your support would not have made this milestone! I have never in my life not JO for 2 months straight.

Much love and respect!
RJ

malando

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #8 on: June 05, 2016, 05:24:37 PM »
I think you've done an awesome job, RJ. And getting into a great relationship, and being honest about your issue - man, that is freaking brilliant. It's such a hard thing to do and you've done it. It might be that you have a bit of anxiety about ED after all you've been through - that might be compounding the issue. Once you're sure that your reboot has had a good go, I don't think it would hurt to try a little V or C to kick things along. It might just shift the mindset into "normal life" mode, after a long time in recovering addict mode. I'd say give it until 90 days and see where things are at. It's always an option. Also consider getting your testosterone levels checked at some point. Keep in mind that having sex regularly increases T though!

Good luck, bro.
M.

RecoveryJunkie

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #9 on: June 07, 2016, 05:46:18 AM »
Day 61 of reboot, no porn and no masterbation for over 2 months. We have lift off!! Successful intercourse with my beautiful partner! What a feeling... It didn't last supper long either maybe 5-10 minutes and I came right after she did. I'm so excited about this. I slept like a baby too!

I still have zero desire to PMO or M and will continue with the recovery process. I know there will be ups and downs but for anyone who isn't sure this rebooting will work, trust the process. No P no M and work towards true intimacy with your partner! I am now living proof this actually works.

I wasn't sure it would work as when I watched P, I wasn't able to get full erections. (Probably due to the more or less conventional porn I watched) I must say it feels so good to know not all is lost from my addiction to this dismal existance we call Porn.

Interesting fact, I knew I had an old P mag stashed away somewhere. Before going to my girlfriends last night I searched my room until I found it and threw it out in the trash. I wonder if that was somehow blocking me. Regardless, I feel like a million bucks. No desire for watching P and I know abstaining from M is not going to kill me.

Peace! Wow!!  ;D
RJ

RecoveryJunkie

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #10 on: June 07, 2016, 05:59:28 AM »
Just another thing worth mentioning which I believed helped me successfully achieve this is when I started out on this journey, much like Gabe, I put away the video games. I know it isn't sex related but after viewing YBOP and Gabe's videos I felt it was the right thing to do. There is no doubt in my mind the P and the video games were a huge source of dopamine release in my brain.

I still have a long way to go but I sure am on my way!
RJ

malando

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #11 on: June 07, 2016, 08:54:34 AM »
Congrats RJ! Sounds like the worst is behind you now. Just gotta focus on your new life and leave all the other crap behind. It's amazing how much better the real world is than the fake P world, isn't it?

RecoveryJunkie

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #12 on: June 07, 2016, 09:30:53 AM »
Oh man! That is such an understatement. I was thinking yesterday about my childhood and I have lived in a fantacy world all my life. It's so awesome to finally break free and live in the here and now, no matter what the situation is.

Earlier on yesterday I read some stuff on partners forums and it affected me bad. I recognized just how I broke my ex's hart by my behaviour. I resolved to not over lament  over it and when the time comes maybe write a letter as a sort of amends but after talking to my AA sponcor he thought I should just enjoy the moment and revisit this when I am a bit stronger in my recovery. I can see how wise those words were. Anyways, just thought I'd share that.
RJ

fyg

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #13 on: June 07, 2016, 05:32:29 PM »
Brilliant reading about your new life, RJ. Congratulations man. Keep going... Not that I think you'll do any different !! :)
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

RecoveryJunkie

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #14 on: June 07, 2016, 05:46:00 PM »
Thanks Fyg,

Really appreciate it. I was on such a high all day and now I feel like I've crashed.... so my emotional state is a bit off. Ill be ok, I'm going to go out and visit some people don't want to sit in this shit too long. Probably just tired but I had about two hours of unmotivated time wasting, not good but could be much worse. It's like a fucking roller coaster some days Ehh? Damn!
RJ

fyg

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #15 on: June 07, 2016, 06:14:57 PM »
You're totally welcome, RJ, It can be like a rollercoaster! Don't let that two hours of 'unmotivated' time bother you... which, you're not by the sounds of it "but could be much worse". Just the other morning, I spent a couple of hours in bed, and I've been disappointed with those times before, and I was on this day. Now, I can't remember exactly, but I obviously got up, washed etc... and a little later I was having a cup of tea, after breakfast... and I felt real good. I very honestly remember thinking that was a victory! A change in frame of mind within the same morning!

Yep, maybe go out and visit some people as you say... maybe put to good work the enjoyment of conversation we spoke of today?

I missed out on an opportunity to share with you in my previous post... This is difficult, and it may be about connecting with another, but hey, why not :)

I've realised that I've spent a lot of time living in fantasy too, brother. Just last week, I was on the train, and I drifted off... to another life, but not this one, mine.

Ours!!! (our real lives!)

Claim it buddy... which you totally are! Again, GREAT post earlier. Sending you love bro. Peeeeace.
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

RecoveryJunkie

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #16 on: June 08, 2016, 11:37:16 PM »
Hey guys, I'd like some feedback on something. Here's what's on my mind... So I resolved to stop watching porn and Masterbating about 2 weeks or so before coming on the forum. My motivation to stop watching porn and Masterbating is PIED. I'm sure most of you guys know I started a new relationship a little over two months ago with this amayzing woman and I just couldn't keep putting these women through this hell that is my PIED so I came clean with her about everything. Since joining the forum I heard so much about 90 days Hardmode. This is something I tried really hard to abide by but my motivation for this is the become available both physically and emotionally for my partner. I feel I have done this in the past 2 months plus and recently was able to have successful sex with her.

I'm a bit confused because Hardmode is no orgasms even with a partner. So obviously I will not be completing 90 Hardmode in the true sense. I have no desire to watch porn but sometimes want to masterbate. I have not Med and don't feel it is needed. I feel I will continue to gain motivation and self confidence if I don't JO so For now I am committed to no P no M possibly indefinitely.  Should I try to refrain from Oing during sex with my gf for a while longer? I kind of feel like having sex without Oing may result in DE. I'd like some solid feedback about this if possible.
Also, I think my partner is confused because initially I told her I was doing Hardmode but have orgasmed a few times during intimate sexual foreplay and a few days ago when I was finally able to have successful sex. I'm not entirely sure what to tell her. I feel like this was the goal the whole time. Maybe I'm rushing things, I don't think so but she is confused by this and I think she may be a bit upset also. Constructive feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks!
RJ

RecoveryJunkie

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #17 on: June 09, 2016, 07:00:47 PM »
Ok so I now know why she is upset. She finally told me what was troubling her. The night we had sex ( first time I was able to function normally in months maybe years). She said she woke up in the middle of the night to me trying to JO in my sleep. This happened two nights in a row. I was shocked when she told me because I had no recollection whatsoever. As the initial shock started to wear off and she continued to speak I got that she is very much afraid and isn't sure what to do because there are very few people she can speak to about this kind of thing. I reassured her as I have been focussed on her 99% of the time. I think I scared her by Kenny up to her a little to much about a few close calls I had (not prudent on my part). I think that raised some insecurities in her. I am feeling a bit scared to leave her at this point but all I can do is learn from this and let the chips fall where they may. Tough night for sure. Regardless of what happens my resolve is strong. I have nothing but contempt for P and don't want anything to do with it. Crazy that I could JO in my sleep uncounciouy. Weird!!!!
RJ

malando

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #18 on: June 09, 2016, 08:08:25 PM »
Ok so I now know why she is upset. She finally told me what was troubling her. The night we had sex ( first time I was able to function normally in months maybe years). She said she woke up in the middle of the night to me trying to JO in my sleep. This happened two nights in a row. I was shocked when she told me because I had no recollection whatsoever. As the initial shock started to wear off and she continued to speak I got that she is very much afraid and isn't sure what to do because there are very few people she can speak to about this kind of thing. I reassured her as I have been focussed on her 99% of the time. I think I scared her by Kenny up to her a little to much about a few close calls I had (not prudent on my part). I think that raised some insecurities in her. I am feeling a bit scared to leave her at this point but all I can do is learn from this and let the chips fall where they may. Tough night for sure. Regardless of what happens my resolve is strong. I have nothing but contempt for P and don't want anything to do with it. Crazy that I could JO in my sleep uncounciouy. Weird!!!!

Hi RJ, I'm not sure what you mean by this bold part?

It is quite weird. And hard to address or justify to somebody when you have no recollection of it. I would say it means little since dreaming is such a free ranging thing. For all you know, you were dreaming about your GF! We are not accountable for what we dream about - only what we do when we are awake. That is when intent is measures. Just like she could dream about something odd or maybe even go sleep walking or talking. I hope this moment passes - would be a shame if it becomes a fixation when it's so trivial. It is what you both make it. Dreams are brain operations for organising, maintenance and making sense of things - as long as your waking life is good, there's no reason to worry about your dreams.

Best wishes,
M

RecoveryJunkie

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #19 on: June 09, 2016, 08:28:49 PM »
I'm not sure think it was a type o. I don't want to leave her but I'm scared she will break up with me. Kenny was also a type o
RJ

RecoveryJunkie

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #20 on: June 09, 2016, 10:50:52 PM »
I think things will be ok. She went out for a bit (AA meeting)and I stayed at her place to watch the game, she came back about an hour later and things felt a bit weird at first but worked out in the end. I get the feeling we both want to work through it. I can understand her insecurities. I have a tendancyMy to bring that out in my partners, God knows I have my own too. All in all I think it was a positive thing she told me what was bother her. I think because she waited so long to tell me the insecurities grew and turned negative. Kind of feels like I'm dating for the first time. I think I also have a bit of guilt because my eye still catches women all the time like today was a bit of a struggle. Maybe it's because I want an easy out instead of dealing with the uncomfortable stuff.
RJ

RecoveryJunkie

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #21 on: June 10, 2016, 10:49:06 PM »
Tough day, my brain is trying to trick me into saying fuck it by all kinds of crazyness! Today was a battle but got through it with a better attitude at the end. Failure is not an option. I don't want that shot in my life no matter how crazy or shitty life can be some days!
RJ

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #22 on: June 11, 2016, 12:10:41 AM »
Tough day, my brain is trying to trick me into saying fuck it by all kinds of crazyness! Today was a battle but got through it with a better attitude at the end. Failure is not an option. I don't want that shot in my life no matter how crazy or shitty life can be some days!

Stay strong, RJ. I had a lapse a few days ago and it's left me feeling terrible - all sorts of inner turmoil. It's not worth it! You don't need it, brother!

M.

RecoveryJunkie

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #23 on: June 11, 2016, 02:57:22 PM »
Thanks M, today has been totally different, my gf is working this weekend so I woke up this morning, cleaned around the house a bit, had coffee with a buddy then went for a mountain bike ride and swim with another buddy. We ended up at the beach and although there were nice bodies there the lusting remained in check. Thank God not every day is hell!
RJ

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Re: Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.
« Reply #24 on: June 13, 2016, 02:17:09 AM »
Weekend was ok got a few things done around the house and got out for a ride on Saturday. Since my gf told me She thought I was Ming in my sleep I feel that I've started flatlining. It's not a good feeling, feels like I've taken a step back in my recovery. Good thing she is patient because I feel very frustrated. Tomorrow is a new day and new week. Hopefully things will go well. Night all.
RJ