Author Topic: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.  (Read 3729 times)

Tom_Michaels

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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« on: May 30, 2016, 12:55:40 PM »
Hello fellow rebooters,

Why I am here.

Last week when my wife and I were having sex, I quickly lost interest and became flaccid. I assured her it must be due to me being tired, which wasn't true of course.

A few years ago I read about men becoming addicted to porn and unable to sustain sexual activity. I thought that could be me, but I was still having good sexual encounters. So I dismissed the fact I was addicted to porn and went on looking at porn and increasing my viewing of it.


Realisation

When I couldn't maintain an erection whilst being with the woman I love, I knew all too well what the reason was.

PORN


What next?

I now accept I have an addiction to porn.
It is where I get my sexual stimulation from.
I can binge on a smorgasbord of body types and sexual orientation.
I must do what I can to resist the urge to view porn.

Reboot Nation will be the start of helping me deal with this addiction.

I will be reading many other stories from rebooters to help me understand what am I dealing with, what others have experienced and ways to cope to the expected relapse.

I hope to be as strong as so many of you are and I will show support as much as I can.

TM
« Last Edit: May 30, 2016, 01:18:23 PM by Tom_Michaels »

Tom_Michaels

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2016, 03:12:48 AM »
Day Two

Keeping a journal like this and in such a public space is awesome. I can't hide and help and inspiration is so close.

I am seeing how difficult doing Hard 90 will be. The reward is well worth any pain though.
It is difficult because temptation is everywhere.

I am an amateur photographer, so on social media I follow quite a few photographers to get inspiration for my art.
About half of them have photo sets of girls in all states of undress. The other half are landscape photographers.

At this stage I have unfollowed the ones with nudity in their portfolio. I will return to them after 90 days. Possibly.

I also wanted to say I already feel the fog lifting.

Good times and bad times will come.

Stay strong everyone.

BlueSun

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2016, 04:09:44 AM »
Welcome and keep it up.  These forums have been my saving grace.

I do tech work, so I'm at keyboard and mouse all the time.  Having this compulsion occur so closely with my means of making a living has caused me to have to approach things in an entirely different way.  I appreciate what you've done with the photo blogs. 

Since quitting, my draw towards pictures has increased.  I was shopping for thermal underwear on amazon and found myself zooming in on the model pictures. 

Stay strong and be honest with yourself here. It makes all the difference in the world.

gummianka

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #3 on: May 31, 2016, 04:17:19 AM »
Welcome!

You will find a lot of wisdom and inspiration here from men far better then me when it comes to beating this beast. My 2 cents would be:

Don't be afraid to look beyond this community to find help. Look at all kinds of addictions, all kinds of brain science etc.

See this as a COMPLETE journey, not a one way track or a single attempt. That means that it is just as important to know how to handle relapses as it is to be able to resist urges. So prepare for the worst from day one so if that happens you can still benefit from it.
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

Franklinj6

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #4 on: May 31, 2016, 03:58:40 PM »
Good luck.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2017, 01:18:20 PM by Franklinj6 »

Tom_Michaels

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #5 on: June 01, 2016, 03:15:06 AM »
Thank-you Blue Sun, G and Fj6.
Your support is very welcomed.
TM

Tom_Michaels

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #6 on: June 01, 2016, 03:30:03 AM »
Day Two

Okay, I didn't understand the real possibility of getting headaches because one removes P stimulation.
I have had one most of the day. I usually don't get headaches, so initially I thought it couldn't be because I'm going Hard 90. But it is.
How weird and also exciting that stopping an addiction that isn't related to any type of substance, still brings on headaches.

Big thing today; I told a good friend what I am doing. I have given him support during his recent alcohol rehab, so he was proud and very supportive of what I'm doing.

I hope you all can have a good friend or family member that you feel comfortable enough with, to confide in.

I also found an object that recently got me thinking that I liked P too much. A signed photo of a lingerie model that I paid for. Why I bought it I have no idea. It isn't like I can hang it up anywhere. So in a drawer it sat since. It has now been shredded.

I have started to fill in the free time with activities I haven't focused on for some time.

TM

Tom_Michaels

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #7 on: June 02, 2016, 06:27:12 AM »
Day Three

Reading quite a few other journals has really helped in dealing with any cravings for P. Also, seeing what other re-booters have experienced is invaluable.

I thought about P last night and thought I had found yet another Achilles heal in my defences.

BOREDOM

I was laying in bed, mobile in hand and I wanted something to do. In the past I would looked at P for an hour or two, before eventually falling asleep, happy, even if M or O didn't occur.

So I downloaded an easy game and played that for an hour.

This is my current focus, don't let boredom strike. Not necessarily keep busy, but don't let my mind slip into familiar and bad thought patterns.

Yoga and meditation sure do help. I have started doing both again, as well learning to play the bass guitar again.
I think relearning the bass will be easy, compared to meditation and yoga.

Stay strong everyone.

TM

Tom_Michaels

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #8 on: June 03, 2016, 07:27:13 AM »
Hi Boo.

Thanks for the kind words.
Reading everyone's experiences is giving me more tools and tips.

Fretted bass is my choice. Double Bass is 2nd.

TM

Tom_Michaels

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #9 on: June 03, 2016, 08:00:00 AM »
Day Four

What comes easy won't last, what lasts won't come easy.

Even though I was busy at work then at a work function in the evening. Temptation only presented itself when coming home.

I used to like to visit an adult cinema before coming home if I was out at night. M & O before walking in the front door. So I thought I had sailed through the day without being tempted. Then I saw the lights of the adult cinema.

I drove past knowing one small stumble will set me back. It was difficult, the pleasure I thought I would receive, initially was too strong. I thought I would submit to its call.
I didn't somehow. I say somehow because I'm really not too sure what stopped me from walking into the cinema.

Sleep

I have noticed these last few nights that I am getting to bed at my usual time, but waking up 2-3 hours before my alarm goes off. That has never happened before.

Franklinj6

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #10 on: June 03, 2016, 02:00:49 PM »
Good luck.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2017, 01:17:02 PM by Franklinj6 »

Tom_Michaels

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #11 on: June 04, 2016, 08:47:52 AM »
Thank-you Fj6


Day Five

Another day of keeping busy has kept any bad thoughts at bay.

Except this evening.
Sitting on the couch, watching some tv and I think about P and allowing myself a peak.
I resist and think about what I want to achieve by going Hard 90.
The small amount of pleasure I THINK IT WILL BRING ME, isn't worth it I tell myself.

TM

Tom_Michaels

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #12 on: June 07, 2016, 12:17:42 AM »
Day Eight

Long time, no write.

Boredom is my biggest risk when it comes to controlling my need to PMO.
I have been too busy these last few days to even think about PMO.

Additionally, watching a horror movie certainly made me not think about PMO.

I have read elsewhere in other people's journals about unwilling seeing the naked form.
For instance in a movie or tv show.
A show I had recorded, I could fast forward past the nudity scenes.

During the movie I watched a few days ago, there wasn't nudity, just the glimpse of a woman's d├ęcolletage. It was a horror film, so I was quickly distracted by bad stuff happening in the screen.

But this unwilling participation in viewing nudity can either be seen as a test of my fortitude to see this Hard 90 through to the end, or it could be the reason for a relapse.

Thus far I am strong and I hope everyone is the same.

Stay strong fellow rebooters.

TM

Tom_Michaels

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #13 on: June 07, 2016, 08:34:51 AM »
Day Eight - pt II

Went out to dinner with four male friends. There is usually a bit of talk about females throughout these occasions. That didn't bother me and my current Hard 90 situation.

Then a friend was showing us some P on his phone. I didn't look, said things like "I've seen her before" and "I'm not really into that type of girl / situation".

Doing that saved me from seeing any P that he showed.

But things got a little tougher when they decided to visit a local brothel afterwards. Me and another guy said "No thanks" and stayed in the car.

It was tough afterwards. All I wanted to do (and still do) is PMO.

I haven't.

Tonight was one hell of a test.

A test that will continue forever I imagine.


Anyone else have similarly tough occasions to live through?

TM

RecoveryJunkie

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #14 on: June 07, 2016, 09:12:22 AM »
It's been just over 2 months for me no PMO no M, I had PIED and was able to finally have sex successfully last night WOOOHOOO!!!
RJ

RecoveryJunkie

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #15 on: June 07, 2016, 09:22:08 AM »
I'm not sure why the second part of my message didn't print but I will include it here as it is more important than my last reply:

It's been my experience that after a while PMO free and M free that my discussions about hot women with my buddies is different. I find myself not wanting to engage in that talk and not wanting to look at pics or vids of hot women or fucked up shit. Even if it's justs for a laugh. I don't find it funny anymore.

There are also days where for whatever reason, I am the instigator of the hot women conversation. The good thing is that I have an awareness and strive to do better next time. You are doing awesome, keep educating yourself on how the P affects you mentally, physically and psycologically.

Knowledge is key and if you have a faith in a HP this can also do wonders for you when you are week.

All the best to you my friend.
RJ

Tom_Michaels

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #16 on: June 10, 2016, 10:17:49 AM »
Thx RJ.
Your message rings true for me as well.
I have found that even after a week of being PMO-free, I do not want to participate or instigate any derogatory discussion about any woman.

That is an amazing additional affect of not allowing PMO to run my erotic life.

Keep strong my friend.

Tom_Michaels

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #17 on: June 10, 2016, 10:27:22 AM »
Day Eleven

What I am about to write frightens me. But it is a big part of whom I am, so here goes.

I am a bisexual male. I have been since I was 17 years old.

I have only just recently come out to family and friends, and now I thought it was right that I am open with you, my rebooter family.

I find being bisexual has affected my rebooting in regards to being vigilant to not allow any female and male images of sexuality break my spirit.

WOW, a small weight off my shoulders just disappeared.

Thank-you.

BlueSun

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #18 on: June 10, 2016, 10:56:37 PM »
Facing yourself each day, accepting who you are, changing for the better, being the brightest you you can be, I am honored to witness your story. I stand with you. Stay strong!

Tom_Michaels

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #19 on: June 11, 2016, 03:23:59 AM »
Thank-you BlueSun.

Stay Strong my friend.

Tom_Michaels

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #20 on: June 14, 2016, 03:19:28 AM »
Day Fourteen

Realized I have been too busy reading everyone else's journals and writing an occasional reply, but haven't written in my own.

Two weeks down, ten more until the Hard 90 is complete.

I was wondering that once the Hard 90 is done, is it ok to M & O?
I am guessing the O part is fine, but is the M part ok to do?
I won't be using P to get aroused, but still thinking about M.

I want to the PIED I suffer from to disappear. So after the Hard 90 is done, I will be getting down to business to see if it has.

Thinking out loud now; i can see that not doing any M would be of great benefit to assist in performing sexually.

Stay strong.

TM

BlueSun

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #21 on: June 14, 2016, 07:33:59 PM »
This page has a section on to m or not, that is the question.  I'm working my way through the articles slowly. 

http://yourbrainonporn.com/reboot_your_brain

Part of me is really satisfied with sex with myself only, and so M would probably come back in eventually.  But there's another part of me that goes on a major fapathon just about every time I do. Which could just be too early in my reboot. Then another part that wants to have sex partners, and would probably rule out M.

The fact that I'm all over the map tells me I'm probably not even ready to try it. But perhaps the articles will help you get further along in the decision making process than me.  Please share the good knowledge.  This question gets asked a lot!

Tom_Michaels

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #22 on: June 16, 2016, 09:06:35 AM »
Thank-you Blue Sun, that page really helped me get a better understanding about what I can do in regards to M whilst doing the Hard 90.

It mentioned that for some, if M become quite frequent, it can lead to viewing P again.
I feel this is true for me.
I will see how I feel after 30 days and I might M once and see what effect it has on me.

Or I might not and decide to stay on the path.

Ultimately I want to O with a partner and possibly make that the only time i do.

Thank-you again Blue Sun

Tom_Michaels

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #23 on: June 16, 2016, 09:21:31 AM »
Day Seventeen

Today was a normal working day, I did nothing different to what I normally do or what I normally eat.  But, I was thinking at least 50% clearer.

The fog seems to be lifting.

I have heard others mention it happening. I thought it had already, but no.
Years and years of PMO must of made my brain less focussed in a big way.

Right now I have heaps more energy and spirit.

Also i was fantasising about someone for the first time in a long time.
He was a good looking guy at a cafe I go to. He smiled at me, I smiled at him. Nothing more happened. Then a cute lady smiled at me later on in the day.

I fantasised about them both.

I really can't remember the last time I fantasised about a person. Because I had P to stimulate me and help me achieved an O.

I now realise I preferred P to a real person for 100% of the time for possibly the last two years.

THAT IS ABSOLUTELY SHOCKING ..... but not rare by the sounds of it.

Stay strong fellow rebooters.

Tom_Michaels

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Re: Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
« Reply #24 on: June 20, 2016, 08:04:17 AM »
Day Twenty

Setting small goals is working it seems.
First it was one day of no PMO, then two days, then 7 days, then 14 days.
About to hit 21 days/3 weeks.
I would never of thought I could go 3 weeks with no P or no M or O. Let alone all 3.

Again, keeping busy is what is making me not relapse AND Reboot Nation is as well.
I might have a spare 10 minutes and I start wanting to O, which requires M and ultimately back to viewing P.
Reading journal entries makes me stay on the road to Hard 90 in those quiet times.

But one issue I feel will occur is my want to have sex, to be intimate with someone.
I struggle to decide whether to go ahead or keep the no O aspect of my Hard 90 intact.

But this could be a good sign.
Before starting the Hard 90, I didn't want sex at all. Tried to have it and suffered PIED.

Stay strong fellow rebooters.

TM