Author Topic: yet another journal  (Read 3974 times)

hansgl2

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yet another journal
« on: May 29, 2016, 06:04:06 PM »
I am a 50 year old married man living in the suburbs of Atlanta, Georgia. I have been addicted to porn since I was handed my first porn magazine at age of 14 or 15. My addiction has progressed from playboy type magazines to ever more explicit Internet porn. About 10 years ago I started to notice difficulties with having sex with my wife. I have ED at times and also lost most pleasurable sensation in my penis.  Masturbation hurts and I still do it. Couples therapy and the 12 steps with Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) have not been the solution for me. I have never been able to stop masturbating to porn for more than a couple of weeks. Recently I have seen the episode of Chelsea where two guys talked about their porn addiction and mentioned this website. I am surprised that so many men have ED from porn, I naively thought I am the only one. Anyway, I started a reboot and I intend to keep a journal here. Thanks for reading.

RecoveryJunkie

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2016, 12:23:05 AM »
Good luck with your reboot hansgl2. I've been PMO free since about a week before I created a profile on this site a couple months ago. I find it incredibly helpful to journal on here and learn as much as I can on the subject of PIED by going to  yourbrainonporn.com. I too shared your thoughts of being the only one with this affliction. I have not watched P or M with or without P for almost two months and it's been difficult at times but I can tell you, although I have yet to regain a rock hard erection, my self confidence, focus and motivation are increasing everyday. Keep with the recommended program and you too will rep the benefits! Failure is not an option when it comes to recovery of my life.

Good luck!
RJ

Robert2.0

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #2 on: May 30, 2016, 07:56:39 AM »
Welcome to RN! Congratulations on taking the first step to a life free from PMO. Hopefully you will find the support and knowledge here to conquer your addiction. Read as much as you can and post often. Not only will it benefit you in your recovery but sharing your experiences and feelings may help others. I look forward to following your continued progress in your journey to freedom.

hansgl2

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2016, 01:34:26 PM »
Thanks for the responses guys! It's Memorial Day weekend and we just had a big argument with yelling and screaming in my family. Doesn't happen very often but my two daughters are like oil and vinegar and they cause a lot of grieve when they are together. My first instinct of course was to drive away and visit an adult book store. I really don't know what else to do in these kinds of situations. But I am hanging in there and won't do that today. So I am going to take a nap and see how the situation is when I wake up. I have tremendous guilt that the misbehavior of my kids is because I am a bad father.
« Last Edit: June 19, 2016, 07:45:43 AM by hansgl2 »

hansgl2

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #4 on: May 31, 2016, 07:57:39 AM »
Day 3 here. Last night I had trouble falling asleep and my mind kept wandering and pulling up porn images from memory. It took me a moment to realize that I shouldn't go there and I tried to avoid thinking about it. It was pretty difficult as images kept coming back as I drifted off to sleep. I will have to read up on how much of this is tolerable and whether I have to reset.

hansgl2

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #5 on: June 06, 2016, 10:15:40 AM »
I reset my counter today. I went on a trip and stayed in a hotel room by myself and I stupidly thought it would be a good oportunity to watch porn on my smartphone. I was fully aware of my ongoing reboot but I thought since I am only 3 days in it, it won't hurt too much if I have to reset. Typical addict reasoning I guess. So here I go again... recommitted to do this.

carlson

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #6 on: June 06, 2016, 10:42:52 AM »
Welcome to the forum and to the process of rebooting.  This can be done - really.  Think about how short a week is - you could go without food that long and survive - PMO is not something you need to survive - so you could definitely go a week.  And in a week, there's a good chance you will notice a difference in how you feel without it.  It might even make you feel stronger, better, happier.  A week isn't that long.

For that matter, nor is a month, or even a year.  Everyone has done some sort of discipline for that long or longer without relapsing.  The last month and a half have not been easy for me - but they have been possible, they have been worth it.  You can do it with this.

It's not as hard as it seems if you change your point of view. 

You can do it.  Really.  Do it.

hansgl2

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #7 on: June 07, 2016, 01:34:09 PM »
Thanks for your posts Chip and Carlson. Much appreciated. I (re-)watched the videos and read through the posts you refered me to. Really good stuff and it gives me hope that I could recover if I stick to the reboot. Kind of a "happy thought" after loosing all hope that I would ever have "normal" sex with my wife again. Day 2 for me. A long way to go and I have to stay vigilant because the slightest glance can change my hole mindset.

hansgl2

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #8 on: June 09, 2016, 10:30:33 AM »
I thought about installing filter software but I decided against it for several reasons. I am a software engineer and I have never found any software that can prevent me from bypassing it plus I do most of my acting out with my smart phone and I have to use an iPhone for work. I intend to reset my reboot start day every time I pull up memories of porn in my brain. So, my problem starts way before I actually pull up porn on any of my devices.
Last night, out of habit, I started to think about acting out but I quickly directed my thoughts at my reboot. Recalled the reasons why porn is very bad for me and the promise of a successful reboot. I am on day 3 and it's been fairly easy so far. The real challenge will come once my oversexed mind/body recovers just a tad bit and I know the day will come when I will have this thought process: "Man, it's been x days since I masturbated to porn and since I abstained for x days, the masturbation would be really nice (most of my compulsive masturbation is actually painful since I did it so much and because I don't give my body adequate rest in between). So whenever I abstain for a few days, it gets increasingly harder to resist the temptation.
Other than that, I feel really optimistic and I am kind of exited to fill the time that I used to spend on PMO, I can now use for more useful things like calling my daughter or reading etc.
On thing I am unsure about at this point: Is it okay to have sex with my wife during the reboot or should I tell her that I am rebooting and let her know I can't have sex for 90 days? I will try to find the answer on the website/forum.
Cheers.

Erasmus_xlt

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #9 on: June 09, 2016, 10:53:35 AM »
Hello Hansgl2,
You are in a good place to work on your reboot as well as your relationship with your wife and family.

I know what you mean about getting around filters - I am a cyber security professional and can get around just about anything out there.  But, I use a filter on my devices (Covenant Eyes) because it means I have to think about what I am doing and can't just automatically get to porn.  Think about the scenario where you are in the hotel room, bored and lonely, and you decide to look at porn.  But to get there, you have to INTENTIONALLY bypass the filter.  It changes the dynamics if only a little bit but it sets you up for success.

If I can offer any other suggestions, I would recommend that you put a team together to help you through this.  The load is much lighter with the strength of others to help.



Erasmus_xlt

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2016, 05:30:17 AM »
The question about having sex with your wife is one I have thought about also.  The general consensus seems to be that it is a good thing as it strengths your relationship with her and gives her support through this time. 

On the other hand, agreed sexual abstinence is also refered to frequently for a complete reset of the brain and attitude toward your wife and sex.  Terry Crews and his wife did a sex fast and posted a video on it. 

My Hard 90 has my wife and I in different rooms for now.  So, a sex fast was enacted with no thought.  If she were to desire connection I would likely comply, but I don't know if my body would go along with the plan.  But ultimately, the decision is hers to make.

For me, I like to rely on Biblical guidance and in this regard the guidance is (1) to refrain with agreement and (2) not neglect the needs of each other.  In other words, if she desires to make love she will have it.  Otherwise, I will continue with the fast.

The problem with PMO is primarily the porn leading to fantasy relationships that replace the need for a real life, flesh and blood person.  Secondly, the problem of masturbating to porn or porn thoughts and edging leading to either PE or DE.  As I understand it, orgasm is only a problem when it is a result of the prior two conditions.  With your wife is the proper context and is not problematic.

I hope this helps.



Boo

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2016, 07:32:58 AM »
For me, I like to rely on Biblical guidance and in this regard the guidance is (1) to refrain with agreement and (2) not neglect the needs of each other.  In other words, if she desires to make love she will have it.  Otherwise, I will continue with the fast.

The problem with PMO is primarily the porn leading to fantasy relationships that replace the need for a real life, flesh and blood person.  Secondly, the problem of masturbating to porn or porn thoughts and edging leading to either PE or DE.  As I understand it, orgasm is only a problem when it is a result of the prior two conditions.  With your wife is the proper context and is not problematic.

I hope this helps.

This is some good,  solid counsel for married men, Biblical reference aside. (I'm a believer, not everyone is)  Whatever we believe, as married men I think we have to be "available". It may or may not happen. Damaged marriages ( mine isn't) need time, for sure. I think if two people love each other, things should just start to happen naturally , especially the longer we're away from PMOing, or even MOing. We become both mentally and physically more available.
« Last Edit: June 10, 2016, 07:42:23 AM by Boo »

hansgl2

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #12 on: June 11, 2016, 02:27:36 PM »
Thanks Boo and Erasmus_xlt for your feedback. So, I understand that having "normal" sex with my wife would not reset the reboot. But it might be a good idea to fast from sex for 90 days altogether. I am worried that I would entertain memories of porn films if I had sex with my wife at this time. Perhaps further down the road, but just 5 days into my reboot is too soon. I did not tell my wife about the reboot yet. But if I would she would be okay with it as she knows about my addiction and we have been having very infrequent sex to say the least anyway.
So far, on my 5th day, I feel great. I have to be very vigilant and watch my thoughts as they very easily and often direct themselves towards porn. Everything is a trigger for me, especially after a bit of abstinence as my saturation from the last masturbation binge slowly goes away.
I have read many posts and the consensus of long term sober men seems to be that you can never ever entertain anything porn related again, ever. I struggle with that but I can see that it is true. And you would think that with all the hardship that porn has caused me I would jump on the idea. But, full disclosure here, I cannot do that just yet. All I want to concentrate on at this point is to make it 90 days. What happens after that, I don't think about at this point.

hansgl2

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #13 on: June 12, 2016, 02:50:58 PM »
Tough day today as I am off this Sunday afternoon with nothing specific to do. So my mind keeps wandering toward porn images and I have a difficult time steering them away. Time to get off the couch and occupy my idle mind with something. Day 6 and I am trying not to think how much longer I have to go. Just taking one day at a time.

hansgl2

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #14 on: June 16, 2016, 08:37:29 AM »
reset today  :-[  :(. Not much to say other than that I need to be much more careful with my thoughts. I need to prepare and have a way to re-direct my thoughts away from fantasies quicker.
I am thinking a lot about my wife who has to suffer because of me. I am failing her as a partner and yet she sticks it out with me and hardly every complains. Which is a miracle. She deserves better.

Erasmus_xlt

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #15 on: June 17, 2016, 03:23:37 PM »
So, now you have to think about why did you falter?  Really think about it.  Don't forget it.  Don't excuse it. Don't minimize it.  But, logically consider why...

We're you:
H hungry
A angry
L only or
T ired?

These are emotions that typically find us going back to what we don't want to do in the first place.  Add boredom in there too. Once you know what you were thinking/feeling at that time, then determine how to either:

a) not feel that way (pretty hard not to feel) or
b) have a pre-determined strategy for not reverting to porn use when you do feel that way.

Another thing to consider:.perhaps your "why" isn't big enough yet.  Most of us have tried rebooting before.  Most of us have relapsed frequently.  Those with the most successful (read the success stories) had to hit rock-bottom at some time to do ally achieve the success they now enjoy.  I think I have.  I hope I have.  I don't want to go through this anymore - but I will if I have to.  Never give up.

Then, after you do all that thinking, after you know why, and have a plan and a big enough reason, it will be easier to stand against the fiery darts of temptation the next time you face your enemy.

Just my thoughts.

P.S. - the reason to avoid orgasm if you are experiencing PME or DE is to retrain your mind.  If you M to come quickly, you typically experience PME.  If you edge, you typically experience DE (so it seems).  Not M'ing gives your body and mind time to desensitize and reset. Not to mention, what are you thinking about when you M?



hansgl2

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #16 on: June 18, 2016, 10:33:15 AM »
I was definitely tired when I faltered. Should have just went to bed. The thing is, I am happy in my life, so I don't think I use porn and masturbation to escape my problems. Like everybody I have issues from when I was a teenager (parent's divorce, abandonment) that I am dealing with and I do see a therapist regularly. But overall, I love my life and I am very rarely depressed. The reason I want to quit porn is because I have ED and over the last 5 years I probably had sex with my wife only very rarely. My wife deserves better. I am actually surprised that she hasn't kicked me out yet. I definitely deserve to be kicked out. I miss the skin-on-skin intimacy that porn can't provide.

hansgl2

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #17 on: June 19, 2016, 06:11:33 PM »
Just had a nice day spent with my wife. Almost no unwanted thoughts at all. Trying to concentrate on spending quality time with her. My calendar does not look too busy for Monday so I will have to be vigilante as I work in a home office and plenty of idle time is dangerous for me.

carlson

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #18 on: June 20, 2016, 12:01:07 PM »
I don't know if this helps - but when thinking about idle and alone time, here's what I've said to myself to stay on track:

Don't let yourself be idle - there's always something to do.  Write a letter to someone - perhaps even to your wife.  Do some exercise.  Pick up the phone and call someone - anyone - Hell, why not do some work on that project your avoiding?  Do something and keep doing something until you go to sleep.  We spend entirely too much time between things...the between time is when our minds wander, when we retreat from the world, when we day-dream, and when we might go after the quick thrill of PMO.

Then get rid of the transition.  Try figuring out how to make all your transitions faster or even non-existent.  That time dawdling about and browsing websites before you get to work - can you do without it.  That time flipping through TV channels looking for something to distract - can you get rid of that time-waster?  That time doing nothing as you wait for a call - there must be something you can do.  Hell - I've found great satisfaction in figuring out how to eliminate time wasting habits - and focusing on what matters.

What matters?  Your wife.  Your kids.  Your life.

What doesn't?  Long boring transitions repeated over and over again throughout your life.

hansgl2

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #19 on: June 20, 2016, 04:21:26 PM »
Thanks for the input carlson. Makes sense. I'm planing on doing that. I had a pretty good work day and I kept busy after all. Tonight I will call my daughter who is married and I am overdue to talk to her. She will be surprised to her from me out of the blue for sure.

hansgl2

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #20 on: June 22, 2016, 10:32:41 AM »
Day 5 here. Got my workout in early this morning and feeling good physically but I have a stressfull and frustrating work day so far. This is usually a big trigger for me as my insane thinking tells me that I deserve some M for the "tough" life I have. Truth is, things are not as bad as I make myself believe. All I have to do is take my day step-by-step and do my best at work and not let office politics get to me.

hansgl2

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #21 on: June 23, 2016, 07:07:45 PM »
I continue to have to be diligent with my thoughts as they easily drift and I know this will become more and more of an issue the longer I'm into my reboot. I am trying to figure out what the term "hard" reboot means, but I couldn't find it yet in the forums.

Gabriel1960

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #22 on: June 23, 2016, 09:49:55 PM »
Welcome to RN!  You're doing a great job!

hansgl2

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #23 on: June 26, 2016, 06:33:51 PM »
Thanks. Day 9. I indulged in a bit of fantasizing but no M. I spent a great weekend with my wife and we visited our oldest daughter who lives nearby.I have not M'd long enough that I now get easily triggered by every female and it takes a lot of effort not to let my thoughts wander. I wonder if this will change and my brain will become used to not think about porn.
« Last Edit: June 27, 2016, 01:19:06 PM by hansgl2 »

hansgl2

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Re: yet another journal
« Reply #24 on: June 28, 2016, 04:00:41 PM »
Day 11. I feel great. Still struggling with fantasies but I am very determined to refrain from PMOing. I do read other journals on a daily basis as it is really important for me to keep the focus on the reboot and remind myself constantly that I am addicted and that I have to be really careful as slips can happen very quickly.