Author Topic: Velodreamer  (Read 766 times)

Velodreamer

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Velodreamer
« on: August 17, 2016, 10:59:06 AM »
I'm a 55 yr old divorced/single guy. I had fetish fantasies at a very early age. I would save and collect relevant magazines in the pre computers days. I found myself in either yucky relationships or in relationships I wasn't really attracted to the women. I would escape into my fantasy to keep excited enough to perform. When I finally got married, it was an unhappy marriage early on but she indulged me in my fantasy. It finally just go so disfunctional it ended it's inevitable demise. The divorce was final a little over four years ago.
I went wild with the Internet and no one to answer to. i had suspicions on my own That I had changed something in my brain. A regular "vanilla" relationship didn't excite me at all. But it really is what I've wanted all along. Finally, I discovered this "reboot" stuff. I'm only a week in. I'm worried I may be permanently broken.
But I'm going to try my hardest. I don't want to meet a possibly great lady and bring this messed up stuff into the relationship effort. I hope I am able to just become normal. But I've been this way almost 40 years.
I am a recovering alcoholic (well over 20 years) and have not smoked in going on four years.
I'm surprised stopping chasing my fetish dragon has had signs of withdrawal. It just adds testimony to so much of what I have read since I discovered this stuff.

Entry #2 Aug 18, 2016
So far so good. From my first entry, I got a response or two from folks who just don't know me.
I know from my alcoholic recovery, it's not like I can occasionally have a beer. I know it's the same here, I can't occasionally cheat and expect to have any real recovery or healing or, in the terms here, actually reboot.
The more I read and learn, a lot of things that happened in relationships ever since my first girlfriend make more sense and are more clear. I know on what I try to justify, I can always find support in that. Now it's not P or M. 20-30 years ago, Dr. Ruth told me to masturbate to my little hearts content. What we do with high speed porn now, I accomplished with magazines then. It was more work, but I did it. There were also therapists that told me masturbation was nurturing self care. In retrospect. I don't remember if they understood the whole picture. I have always been very honest in those situations. I always had the attitude that they were there to help me, and the best way they could would depend on my being honest.
Anyway, here I am again, stopping a behavior that I can now see is hurting me. All the fun hadn't gone out of my drinking yet in 1989. I saw it as a bad sign when I started throwing up blood. But I was still having a lot of fun. I was young and beautiful and had a new car, but I saw the direction I was headed and had to be honest with myself. Same now. I have seen enough in my own life, and am honest enough with myself, I have an opportunity again to count days, then weeks, months, years, and get better. I was cleaning up and saw an inanimate object yesterday and got a little aroused. It was a non event, nothing happened. But if I think of trying to have sex with a pretty woman I love - no arousal.
Yup, I'm sure I need to be here. I'm taking it on faith, and I am somewhat confident, I'll get better.
It's just untrodden ground for me.
I can see subtle signs something is happening because of the emotional roller coaster I'm on too. The only time I have seen this in myself is in withdrawal situations.
I'm just surprised it took me so long to find help. I remember 4-5 years ago, and other times since, trying to Google what I thought was happening. I had a hunch I had changed something in my brain.
Anyway, I'm glad I found help, I'm grateful.

Entry #3, Aug. 19, 2016
I'm experiencing hope. As time goes by, I'm gaining insights.
Late July, I took a new fishing rig I had undertaken as a project to the mountains. It is an older Toyota Truck and Lance camper. The rig was to serve as a base camp for a heavy back packing trip.
The combination of the off grid isolation and the extreme physical load I had placed on my body, I over rode any sexual urges, quite on accident. After more than a week without internet porn, arousal, and masturbation, it dawned on me I hadn't done those things. Then, one of my fetish related issues came up, which ultimately led me to discovering all this recovery stuff. It was a perfect storm of events that led me to some long sought after answers.
Now, that I'm on this new path, it's becoming clear that as a self medication, I started masturbating as the self care and escape at a very early age. I remember a very early "thing" when I was sexually aroused. It was an original airing of the original Batman TV show where Catwoman had Batman and Robin tied up. I always figured that was just a sign I was born with my fetish, but on further reflection, that may have been the seed/start of it. Either way, what really matters is where and who I am right now. I think a dynamic that has taken place is, some of the thought patterns and self image things I didn't understand and that held me hostage (all closely tied to my porn/fetish/masturbation addiction) were rooted and anchored in that morass of early period formative experiences.
I am now becoming aware of so much of this stuff, it's astounding to me. So much is becoming clear so quickly. I'm also glad to be realizing, I'm not as messed up as I felt when this started.
Much like my other addiction recovery things, I don't think I could go back to the way I was, and I don't want to. I'm also experiencing my mind being sharper, and having more energy. I'm finally getting some stuff done I just could seem to before.
It's all so exciting and way cool.
Entry 4
9/19/16
I did entry # 4 about a week ago, I must not have saved it.
So I went through several days of slipping off and on. I started over on 9/11. With 9/10 being the last day of porn stuff. I think this may be like exercise. You know it's working because it hurts. I am horribly depressed. I have had a few temptations, I went to to re-boot or your brain on porn stuff and read until it passed. But I'm in a fog, lethargic, irritable and way depressed.
I also have pieced together some of my story on how I got here. I won't take the space to tell it, but it makes sense that I'm exactly where I'm at. It still really sucks.
« Last Edit: September 23, 2016, 10:54:14 PM by Velodreamer »

bob

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Re: Velodreamer
« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2016, 03:27:00 PM »
Welcome to RN Velo,

Glad to have you here. Just to let you know...

I'm worried I may be permanently broken.

Your not. Can be fixed but its going to take some work. Its not easy and indeed, the pull to take you back [to porn] will be strong. Good thing is you are on your way...

But I'm going to try my hardest.

I know you are just starting and may not feel confident in your journey but you can't just try. You gotta do it. I would eliminate the ambiguity and rephrase it to, "Its going to be hard, but I am going to do it"!

Any don't beat yourself up if you slip. Honestly, it doesn't help. Just start again, learn from your mistakes, and move forward.

This is a great place for support and encouragement so onward and upward!

Peace