Author Topic: going beyond porn  (Read 13283 times)

ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #50 on: June 28, 2016, 05:03:24 AM »
felt so much of urge!!!!
oh god
the same type of urge made me relapse almost 7 times and hurray i conquered it for the first time ..
my heart beat was high and i was trembling at that time but i knew it was a part of recovery
i miss my careless sleep like a dog ... i want my life where i am a man of commitments,has strong will power,
and educating people and thus being a better person

gummianka

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #51 on: June 28, 2016, 05:09:15 AM »
Well done!

Feels good to win, doesn't it? :)
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

Erasmus_xlt

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #52 on: June 28, 2016, 05:49:29 AM »
@ankit,
Congratulations on your reboot.  As you know, the struggle is real.  I have read through the last page of your log which chronicled your last reboot and latest string of success. 

You are now at the days of the rebellious brain.  The withdrawal symptoms are your constant companion.  You are entering the period where your body will bring up all the old feelings that drove you to your addiction previously.  If you don't have a plan to confront yourself, you will again succumb to the draw of Lust's siren song.

Who can you call when the urges are present? 
Who is your accountability partner that won't let you get away with your excuses? 
When temptation calls out to you, do you go one defensive or do you recognize it for what it is, love yourself anyway and remind yourself why you are quitting your addiction?
Is your reason why really big enough to motivate you to succeed?
What are you turning to, rather than just turning away from porn?  The football and other activities are good, but what are you doing to stimulate your mind?

These are some of what I have learned that have helped me.  I'm not where I want to be yet and have a long way to go on my journey.  But, commenting on other rebooter's blogs is one of the activities that helps me also.  We all share the same journey.  Let's help each other succeed.

Be strong, be sober, be vigilant.  Your adversary is...



ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #53 on: June 28, 2016, 11:08:29 AM »
ya it feels really good to succeed but i always got scared about the next time#gummianka

ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #54 on: June 28, 2016, 11:15:08 AM »
i am agree with you #Erasmus_xlt
my mind feels drained and heavy it tells me
"leave it,you can not do it .you have relapsed so many times."
today was the most difficult day but i was out and controlled it well..
but i am scared about it .. my mind argues and somehow convinces me that porn is the only way you can get pleasure from.. but i know it's not true porn takes life ..it destroys humanity, kills motivation and confidence,self confidence is almost zero and the feeling  of excitement and trying something new is gone ,putting all that in one bag i feel like zombie after pmo..

ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #55 on: June 28, 2016, 11:17:11 AM »
one thing i noted today was that i felt huge urges almost all day then i went to gym and sweat a lot and of the urges were gone and motivation to be superior and the proud of being at the place where you are returns

ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #56 on: June 29, 2016, 05:28:17 AM »
I am serious about my reboot this time. I don’t want to relapse again and again and go through the same shit like feeling again and again. i don’t want my whole life to end up watching porn. I will read magazines and books in Park and increase my knowledge day by day and this way my reboot will be stronger…

ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #57 on: June 29, 2016, 05:33:31 AM »
one thing i noted is that it makes me lazy, whenever urges arrive i just want to get that stimulation even sometimes when it is not directly delivered (let me explain it)
i was thinking about my last relapse then i jumped to the reason that was beginning with girls in swim wear and then just going far and far away after a few seconds i realised that i was not concentrating on the cause rather i am deeply thinking about those pictures.. so this is what caused me to relapse a few times but not now...

ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #58 on: June 30, 2016, 02:54:17 AM »
Hello all,
Another  thing  that I noticed about porn addiction and withdrawals is that the make me worry about small insignificant things or situations..
Like I wonder if this happens what will I do?? I am in constant fear of something negative..
I easily become jealous of others ..
And it kills my relationship with others due to sudden anger and a feeling of me being timid always makes me depressed and  I start hating people..
My ability of eye contact is gone and I am always like a coward dog..
Even when I am right I don’t have enough courage to put forward my opinion and I always create a negative image of people without actually knowing him. I become angry and restless even at small things.

ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #59 on: June 30, 2016, 11:07:19 AM »
pORN never did anything that can be said satisfying. it took me away from my friends and family. i started to remain indulged in pixels rather then having some real fun with friends or relatives.. i always remain closed in my room hiding from friends and my responsibilities.porn took away my real identity. it took away those things which were super exciting for me like playing with my grandma,doing crazy things with friends,and much more,after porn it made me a guy who is fucked up all the time for no reason who can not enjoy normal stuff,who does not respect girls or anybody nor even himself.I still remember that i would stay away from people that i really wanna be with just because of porn because it cause jealousy, lose of true identity,anxiety all the time,feeling of being alone,strong feeling of hatred and opposition..

ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #60 on: July 01, 2016, 10:45:16 AM »
15 days have gone and now the days are becoming harder and harder..I feel horny all the time and can not feel my presence at the place. my mind is not giving me any reason to not watch porn . All it says it "porn can satisfy you ..you will feel good. come'on boy watch it .it is not that much bad,nothing can give you so much.just one time.all other things can wait."
everyday now the reasons i have for nofapping are fading..
i am scared!!

ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #61 on: July 04, 2016, 12:50:11 AM »
Day 16
Just had a cold shower. All the urges that were getting heavy on me are now non existent and now I can give myself a 1000 reasons to not watch porn.
My mind is addicted to getting rewards without actually doing hard work now I am working to heal it.

Still there are mood swings and constant fear of relapsing that makes me go depressed which results in anxiety and then craving for porn,I am trying hard  to break up this loop.
Starting to build new and healthy habits.

ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #62 on: July 04, 2016, 01:02:45 AM »
at the end of day18 and the urges are becoming manageable. i still get porn flashbacks and get excited on things that is not porn according to society but now i am avoiding as many triggers as i can and surely it has become a lot easy now..
my  mind now telling that "you can reach here once again so just see pornography" but i know the science and prepared for it..
i am avoiding any artificial stimulation and starving my brain of the huge dopamine rush.
quitting porn just changed my life.i have become incredible at sports and handling my responsibilities and relationship. i now understand things better and always ready to take up challenges.i feel like no one can beat me..
the withdrawals are still there but manageable.

ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #63 on: July 04, 2016, 12:40:06 PM »
on my 19th day and i can see my natural taste returning.i am motivated easily and liking the things that were my original taste..
i take up challenges and never give up, always curious to learn something new.i value people and their perspective about life, i am so glad to see the real me, little things give me joy, i can clearly imagine the person i want to be..
still facing withdrawals..
yeah i got a question too, what if i use video games and movies during my reboot. or should i indulge in real life activities???

ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #64 on: July 05, 2016, 12:50:49 PM »
at the end of my day 19 it was around 11:00 O'clock and i was reading the sports page. there i saw a girl(a prostitute) who was in relationship with a footballer and the picture was so much exciting because the picture was around totally nude except the genitals. i noticed that my heart beat got high and i started trembling a little. i tried to get my eyes off it but it was so much so much difficult but i  was successful but my mind said that"ohh.. come on it's just one pic and it would be joyful and much pleasurable. it's not a relapse." but i knew that if i got convinced than first i would stare the pic very deeply and then it would be impossible for me to stop.the picture or other stuff like that when given attention only perpetuates relapse over and over again.
« Last Edit: July 05, 2016, 12:55:34 PM by ankit »

ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #65 on: July 05, 2016, 10:47:54 PM »
Hello rebooters
I just want to share with you what happened to me yesterday night.
I usually post at night and I was doing so but after sometime say 5 minutes.
I felt so much of dissatisfaction from everything. My mind said “all the things you are writing are fake there is no value in doing it. Just leave it.” Not even just forum but I was angry at everything without a reason. I wanted  to cry but I didn’t have a reason. Everything seemed full of dissatisfaction. I was not a able to think clearly and I noticed my brain was so much heavy that I couldn’t lift it up.
I also modified my post. My mind said “said delete that post, it is not from your heart, delete it. It’s not you, it’s a fake perspective.” But I somehow managed to let it be.
I was feeling sleepy so I went to bed and I am now posting this in the morning to tell you that all those heaviness and brain fog have gone. I am thankful to me that I have not deleted that post. If I would have deleted that post than my ADHD would have strengthened and my posting here would be less cause there is so much of perfectionism   related with it that leaving your original thoughts, you need to show the perfect side. My mind is so much powerful, it could very easily take me in the wrong way, it can make me depressed easily, it can make me over think things and get dissatisfied with things very easily. It only shows the dark side and suddenly fadens all the reasons(sometimes also proves them wrong) that I gave myself to take that decision.
I have ADHD and always want the things  to be perfect but sometimes the pursuit of perfectionism takes the natural beauty of hands’ creativity.
That’s all.
Writing hear brings me peace and satisfaction.

gummianka

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #66 on: July 06, 2016, 01:34:01 AM »
I too want things to be perfect, and that makes relapse so much harder. So I have broken down my reboot into blocks. As you can see on my counters, June was all about PMO, and I waited until July to add complete abstinance from porn or porn subs. Now PMO is prétty safe for me and that is no longer a hard fight, so I can focus only on the no P stuff.
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #67 on: July 07, 2016, 04:55:18 AM »
thanks#gummianka
i want to tell you that now i have reached to a state where i feel horny all the time, i can feel my body and mind are so much desperate for porn even a single picture. when urges strike, i tackle them. but always they leave a message that revolve in my mind "how far will you go, just one relapse and you would be back to zero."

ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #68 on: July 08, 2016, 02:36:55 PM »
 >:( relapsed.
well it all started in a pretty unknown way i was watching random videos on youtube when i came across a video that contained some exotic scenes. i was not going to watch that but then a voice came "come on its just one video, nothing will happen. it will be fun." and after that my search continued and i masturbated to some bikni screenshots.when i woke up in morning(all that stuff happened at night, actually i became so unstable when i watched that thumbnail that i could not really stop myself to go on after watching that video, i just had to masturbate, i masturbated at about 5 A.M.)it was almost impossible to continue the nofap thing.so i gave up again.
again those feelings of depression, anxiety and a bunch of others. my mind told me that if you will quit you are never gonna get this pleasure and then all those porn flashbacks jumped into my mind and slowly it convinced me.i noted one thing that either you have to avoid the trigger or delete it if you can,  (nowadays triggers are everywhere). once you just watch one pic voluntarily then you can not stop and keep going on until you reach the orgasm while porn. you just need to avoid these as much as you can. i really was not able to watch my football match, i just could not focus, concentrate or enjoy it, i was always searching for a chance to be alone rather than watching the whole match with my family and enjoying the moments.i was so badly craving because i voluntarily jumped into erotic stuff thinking i can get out whenever i want and it is not a relapse. But the actual thing was it was relapse, i broke my promise, i can not control porn i have to accept it. and everything that gives me artificial stimulation is porn for me.i will go again through all that cycle. i am just broken because i relapsed after 23 days on a very silly mistake.my acne has severely increased overnight. :'(

gummianka

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #69 on: July 08, 2016, 02:40:53 PM »
No, you lapsed, but you have not RELAPSED. Just get back on the wagon again. And don't beat yourself up about it. I know very well that feeling of "oh, I am useless2 and that emotion in itself is probably what caused acne (or it is just your imagination).

You have had a great streak, and this will NOT set you back that much. You paused for a day, that is all.
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #70 on: July 10, 2016, 12:15:52 AM »
1 day has gone.
the thing i noted was that i feel like an alien in the crowd, i can't remember what i felt or actually done in my football match. no matter how much you motivate yourself or do crazy things to get you on but with pmo you can not give your 100 percent. i personally tried many things that could make me motivated or fearless in my football game but all in vain.
what a bullshit life this is. no one can give his full with the pmo thing, it makes you afraid of almost everything, and fill the human mind with the feeling of inferiority.
not just football match, i can't remember what i actually do or feel or experience. it invades my mind making me physically weak and mentally paralyzed and timid.
« Last Edit: July 11, 2016, 04:11:05 AM by ankit »

Introspect

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #71 on: July 10, 2016, 12:40:05 PM »
Hi Ankit, just keep going now and be highly aware of what you are thinking. Do not think or do things which leads you to feel temptations. Stay strong. The feeling of weakness will go away.

ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #72 on: July 11, 2016, 04:14:35 AM »
2 days have gone and the problem i faced today was that i can't really concentrate on my computer screen for more than half an hour after that i develop chronic sinus pain and my head feels so much heavy and i am always at the edge of vomiting. i can;t watch tv or play games on digital media for  just half an hour. i usually have this problem for about 1 week after relapsing.
i get excited by just one pic of female and always have the feeling of going back but i won't.

ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #73 on: July 11, 2016, 10:52:49 PM »
relapsed.
committed the same mistake

ankit

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Re: going beyond porn
« Reply #74 on: July 23, 2016, 10:04:16 AM »
on 12 day,
my mind is killing me. i think that i will die if don't watch porn.
what has happened to me??
my ability to take decision has got severely weak, i can't make a decision even if i have only two choices, i just keep stretching the topic for months. i feel that death is more easy than living like this but i am not a coward i won't do that shit.
god what i did to my brain i have  to stop this, i am going to enter my college life and don't want that the same shit spoils it whole again.
i often myself  jumping to conclusions like i don't read a chapter or story full rather than after reading one or two lines my mind just jumps to the conclusion that this might happen.
i am feeling so much bored nothing is giving me happiness, i feel lost.
my mental state is so much weak so much i just can't take it any more. i am feared that i might relapse, i am always in a gone state (no confidence, no fun in doing anything).