Author Topic: A Blight On Lives, Mine and Others  (Read 2105 times)

DickPalmer

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A Blight On Lives, Mine and Others
« on: June 08, 2016, 01:44:42 AM »
So here is my first post, and I hope it might help me and maybe others too; to help them avoid the mistakes I have made that have hurt someone I care for immeasurably. Had I not been so 'self-satisfied' maybe it wouldn't have taken until the age of nearly 48 to realise this.

Anyone who has seen my other posts to date may note that I'm seeing a psychotherapist. Had an initial meeting yesterday, at his home, felt quite comfortable in his presence. With the exception of two other people, he is the only person I have confessed my addiction to. Those two other people are my wife of 10 years and partner of 19 years, and the person with whom I had an affair, bringing all of this into focus. My wife isn't aware of the extent of the issue, but knows that there is one by deduction. It isn't difficult; in clearing our marital home ahead of our impending divorce she is finding all manner of clues, but not the internet stuff that was the big problem, the watershed. The other woman knows too, and knows more of the details, yet even she was shocked, but supportive. I would point out that our relationship is one of friendship, having stepped back from a physical relationship because of issues like PIED, and more so emotional issues; namely that I couldn't be sure of my emotions so realised that I needed to be fair to her, though she is hurt by this as she has fallen for me, issues and all.

The psychotherapist talked about going back into childhood to identify where some of these issues started and true enough that's where the answer lies, I feel. I can't be sure when it happened, but I can recall displaying what these days would be referred to as sexualised behaviour as a child. I was aware of the difference between boys and girls quite early on but didn't know about the reproduction side of things, I thought it was more to do with 'toileting' differences. However I definitely recall imagining girls in my class from school being naked. I discovered what it felt like to lie face down in bed or on the floor and rub myself against that surface, and how it felt to grow hard. I'd take opportunities to do that, such as locking myself in the toilet at my grandparents' house and being able to just about lie down on the floor to get that feeling as I rubbed against the linoleum. We'd sometimes accompany my father to his workplace and whilst he worked we had some freedom to just be around where his work locker was, inside which from time to time would be the odd porn magazine or two. Nothing hardcore, more 'glamour' porn than anything else. I'd do what I imagine a lot of boys would do, and touch myself whilst looking at the pictures. I still had no idea about sex and reproduction; I think it was just that I knew that nudity was a 'taboo', but that it both looked and made me feel good. Newspapers of the era, the 1970s, were awash with images of topless women, and stories of sex scandals and salaciousness. We had access to these in our household, and before the newspapers were thrown away I'd remove the pages or clip out the pictures and keep them in a secret place in my bedroom. When alone, or sufficiently comfortable that I wouldn't be caught, I'd get my 'stash' and use them to give myself pleasure. I was still too young to understand sex, so I didn't understand ejaculation probably wasn't capable by that point. It was just the sensations in my penis that I enjoyed, I had no idea that those sensations would lead anywhere. Now of course I know where they lead, and it isn't just to pleasure. It leads to a world of lying; deceiving others and yourself, of insecurity and low self-esteem in my case, and of loneliness. The impact extends beyond just the damage you can do to yourself, and that's both physical and mental, psychological and physiological damage.

That's where I need to leave this for now, I have some form of life and a job to maintain, but will continue at a later point. I hope recalling this now will help me with the stuff the psychotherapist may delve into, so that I'm making the best use of his precious and expensive time!

DickPalmer

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Re: A Blight On Lives, Mine and Others
« Reply #1 on: June 10, 2016, 01:55:06 AM »
This morning was the first time since May 31st that I've had any kind of thoughts at all about PMO, but I resisted, got out of bed and started a YouTube 30 Days of Yoga class instead! I know what triggered it; a brief thought in my head about an image from a pic sharing website I used to be on daily. I guess they may fade in time. Having the blocking software on my laptop stopped that in its tracks. So, it's 10 days and counting rather than a reset. I am resisting the temptation to even touch my dick for anything other than peeing or when showering, as I want to sense and feel sensations returning without me having to 'encourage' them, but even as I type this I can tell there is a small part of me which is wanting to just feel my dick in my hand. This isn't going to be easy at all...

Boo

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Re: A Blight On Lives, Mine and Others
« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2016, 06:38:06 AM »
but even as I type this I can tell there is a small part of me which is wanting to just feel my dick in my hand. This isn't going to be easy at all...

Well, with a name like DickPalmer, what would you expect?  ;)  Seriously, I've read your long, complicated story. In the end, it's not that unique. You're going to require the same resolve that the rest of us need to have. There's lots of tools you can use to get better. The yoga distraction is one. Realistically, you're going to have to go through the pain of mastering the urges to act out until they diminish in power. Do you have the patience and commitment to do that?

gummianka

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Re: A Blight On Lives, Mine and Others
« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2016, 07:03:51 AM »
Welcome here.
Divorce, separation and seeing a shrink; are you on medication?
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

DickPalmer

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Re: A Blight On Lives, Mine and Others
« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2016, 12:53:34 PM »
No medication. Was on antidepressants for a while but that wasn't a lot of help. It helps to be able to feel something to understand what your feelings are, and ADs don't help that at all. They also make you a bit prone to not really giving a sh*t about what you say, again not helpful.

As for the lengthy story, I guess the idea behind the journal is for me to understand my behaviour better, and for it to be some sort of catharsis to lay it all down for people to see. That's the issue, this has all been done in secret and it means you lead a double life, so by telling people, even those who have no idea who I am, it feels like it's no longer a shameful secret. It also means I've got someone (you guys) who can help me out, or call me out if I f*ck this up!

fyg

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Re: A Blight On Lives, Mine and Others
« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2016, 04:18:52 PM »
Welcome too!

I had a wobble last year (life shit :D), and after talking things through with a friend, decided to not go on medication. A year later, and including help from the good men on this site... I'm so glad I didn't (not that I'm judging either way ;) ). You'll get the support and honesty here Dick. This last couple of days it's been sinking in for me what sterling work we're doing here. No shame. Write as you like.


Cheers!
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Chip

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Re: A Blight On Lives, Mine and Others
« Reply #6 on: June 10, 2016, 08:21:13 PM »
Welcome DickPalmer,

I just came across your journal and wanted to say hello and recommend a journal in the "Porn Addiction" section written by William at the urging of Gabe Deem.  It chronicles his proven steps to freedom of more than 500 days.  It was instrumental in me breaking the, "Sick Cycle Carousel".  For me I'd usually stumble around 18-20 days and then binge for 4 days to a week, before reading William and then coming up with the motivation that helped push me to new heights.

William
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=1256.0

Chip
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=8727.0
« Last Edit: June 12, 2016, 04:18:26 PM by Gabe Deem »

DickPalmer

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Re: A Blight On Lives, Mine and Others
« Reply #7 on: June 11, 2016, 04:38:38 AM »
Thanks to all who have replied.

Have been doing a lot more reading into the effects of depleting your dopamine levels in this way, and so much of what I read could describe me. Apathy, unable to concentrate on tasks, disorganisation, lacking in drive and not obtaining pleasure from things like food, which tends to be a fairly functional thing for me.

Not enjoying this part of my life at all. I wished I could have seen the damage I was doing to my relationship, as I might have been able to draw us closer together. Hoping to build a friendship with my soon to be ex-wife out of all of this, she's still the person with whom I'd choose to do so many of the other things that we did used to do. I hurt her tremendously and I hope in time she can find a way to see that I am not as bad a person as she thinks I am. That I didn't take these actions when we were together will hurt her even more, that she will feel that she wasn't worth it. I regret, of course I do. I just didn't realise that PMO when she was out of the house etc was also affecting my will and ability to do the other things that needed attending to in our home. It didn't help that she had a lot of insecurity and needed much more reassurance than I was able to give her, through affection and making love to her, and also that she wasn't very dynamic in the home, where a lot of things were left to me. She now claims that this is because I was controlling, and in some senses I think I was.

DickPalmer

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Re: A Blight On Lives, Mine and Others
« Reply #8 on: June 14, 2016, 05:00:14 PM »
Relapsed. Nothing more to say. Don't know what happened to make me do it but I did.

Starting over, what happens at around the two weeks mark to make this happen, and what more can I do to stop it?

Is PMO without visual stimulation cheating? Am I setting myself too tough a task by trying to simply abstain completely?

Boo

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Re: A Blight On Lives, Mine and Others
« Reply #9 on: June 14, 2016, 05:20:48 PM »
DP,

Here's one way to start moving in the right direction. Set 2 counters, one for viewing porn/porn subs, one for MO'ing.

Strictly adhere to the "not view porn or porn subs" counter at all costs.

Try to stretch out days between MO'ing if you feel compelled to MO and ultimately give in.

Can you MO without porn? Can you do it to feeling only with little to no fantasy?

These are just tactics to start healing and cutting the tie to acting out with porn. Pixels are powerful. Eliminating them could be a first step in the right direction. You don't need to be as strict about MO'ing. Give yourself some slack bro. Figure out something that can help you make progress beyond 2 weeks.
The "hard 90" may not be a fit for you, unless you can muster up some serious resolve and become a master at surfing urges.

No offense, but it sounds like you have to educate yourself more. PMO'ing is using visual stimulation: You're viewing porn. Maybe I don't understand your question about cheating or maybe you didn't phrase it correctly.

Also, You said you don't know what happened to make you do it. Sorry, I'm not buying that. You need to give it some thought and then you'll know why you acted out. The reason doesn't have to be "profound". You're currently addicted. Your addictive voice is always talking to you, bargaining, reasoning. These are things to discover and learn about. Otherwise, if you're just try to wing it, you're in for a lot of frustration.
« Last Edit: June 14, 2016, 05:32:11 PM by Boo »

Chip

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Re: A Blight On Lives, Mine and Others
« Reply #10 on: June 14, 2016, 06:43:10 PM »
Starting over, what happens at around the two weeks mark to make this happen, and what more can I do to stop it?
14-21 Days is a Common stumble zone, myself and Branch have fumbled there a couple of times.  You see, by 14 days, you've put some distance between you and the last PMO and you begin to lose those bad feelings, maybe all feelings.  I like to think of it like swinging between vines like Tarzan.  As you are entering 2-3 weeks your getting ready to transfer to the next vine, you've let go of one and you reach for the next, but for a moment you are in between, in mid-air.  In that in between time its common to feel, empty, numb, disconnected and you get what we sometimes call a, "Craving to have a Craving", something to fill the void where your urge to PMO would go.  You begin to wonder if something is wrong, am I broken in some way?  Then the thought creeps in, maybe I should take a peek just to make sure everything still works...  This is a vulnerable time and I recommend filters and blockers for those who stumble at this juncture, its a way to help get you over the hump, a tool.  Some don't use filters and just try and gut it out, but a filter or blocker may save you a have dozen resets, but the choice is yours.

K9 - www.k9webprotection.com/
Pluckeye - www.pluckeye.net/


Check out my Thread on milestones and things to be aware of.(Page 3)
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=8727.msg95925#msg95925


Is PMO without visual stimulation cheating? Am I setting myself too tough a task by trying to simply abstain completely?
Yes, that's called Fantasy and playing it over in your mind causes the same dopamine rush as actually watching porn or p-subs.  For this to work, you've gotta go cold turkey, no stimulation of any kind and NO MO.
« Last Edit: June 14, 2016, 06:47:43 PM by Chip »

DickPalmer

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Re: A Blight On Lives, Mine and Others
« Reply #11 on: June 26, 2016, 04:55:37 AM »
OK, so this is an admission of failure, and a pretty big one. I failed around a week or so ago & then just haven't been able to stop, but I know I have to. I'm probably tackling this at a really bad time, with my marital issues etc. I'm trying to be a friend to my wife and hope we can build a friendship, but that in itself is tough. I have been such a fool; I have talked to so many people about my marriage issues and that has created problems within my family. I care for my wife greatly, and I owe her so much, but let her down. When we married I wasn't deeply in love with her but I liked being with her, liked the things we did. She knew and hoped I'd grow to love her, and I did, but my stupid porn addiction and my hanging on to things for too long and taking criticism too personally are things I feel prevented that growth being given a chance. Now things I've said about her to my family mean I am not sure what our relationship can be, and it hurts to know how I've been. The thing is my family won't see it, their loyalty is to me, and no matter how much I tell them about my faults they have trouble accepting it, and they certainly don't know about the porn. I am not blaming my father, but he is somewhat responsible, as finding his porn as a kid is what took me off down this path, I think. My psychotherapist has suggested that I turn to porn because it is easier than having a real relationship and the feelings, emotions and difficulties that go with it. I feel he may be correct, and of course the effect of the dopamine on my reward system is unquantifiable, I imagine I'll only know about that once I can finally quit. I don't want to upset my family, but a part of me feels the only way they might go easier on my wife is for them to know the truth about how I have spent literally years of my life PMO, and how it has affected my marriage, my prospects, my home life. I'm not sure about whether I can do that, but feel like it would at least demonstrate to my wife that I am trying to be a better person, the fact that I'd be willing to confess that to my parents. I've thought about a possible future with my wife. My parents think this is all so easy, that having left my wife because she was lazy (and she admits this) that it is just as simple as cutting that tie and moving on, but I can't. I feel weak without her there, my reason for doing so many things is now in our home a couple of miles from here whilst I am hiding here, pretending that this isn't happening. I have thought about whether I could find forgiveness and a better way of life through visiting church. I can't make up for the thoughtless and selfish things I've done. I don't want my wife to have to leave our home, as I care and she will struggle financially unless she gets another job. I simply don't know what to do.

Gabriel1960

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Re: A Blight On Lives, Mine and Others
« Reply #12 on: June 26, 2016, 07:57:04 AM »
Yo DP.  Welcome to RN!

Objectified1

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Re: A Blight On Lives, Mine and Others
« Reply #13 on: June 26, 2016, 08:56:17 PM »
Hi, welcome to RN. I think that telling your family about your PMO issues is a good idea.
It would speak show her that you truly are trying and valuing her over others. Putting her first. I personally feel it would be an enormous step forward in your relationships and recovery. I hope you do get the ability to do it. Good luck on your journey.

DickPalmer

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Re: A Blight On Lives, Mine and Others
« Reply #14 on: June 27, 2016, 01:14:16 AM »
Thanks OJ1 (hope you're OK with the abbreviated name!)

As I think I mentioned, I'm seeing a psychotherapist now & he has suggested that the porn may have been a factor for me because it was easier than having a genuine relationship. I know for various reasons that I buried my feelings for a long time, I told him that I didn't think I was a very emotional person but his view was that he felt I had a lot of emotion but had found ways to suppress it. He wants to delve more into that, which I think may be helpful. I know the porn started when I was young, largely down to finding my father's collection; I was interested in girls at school but had no confidence & was also worried about what my parents would say about me having girlfriends, I'd develop crushes on people that led nowhere. All the time I was PMO to newspaper clippings of topless women, etc. When I did finally get a girlfriend (who pursued me until I gave in) I found that I was too scared to go the whole way with her, in fact I didn't have full sex with a girl until maybe my fourth or fifth girlfriend when I was perhaps 22 years old, so a late starter. She was a great girl, but breaking up with her after around 2 years messed me up & gave me issues when starting new relationships. Panic attacks, worrying that the relationship would break down anyway so I think I sought control over that by ending them prematurely, that way I wasn't hurt.

As you can see, I potentially have emotional issues tied up in this & have been numbing them with the porn. I'm also not very good at dealing with anger or a surfeit of emotion, so again buried emotions rather than have disputes. I've been reading and obviously doing this isn't good, it's better for you and shows more concern for the person you're with if you can express these rather than pretend it's not happening, I suspect I did this for fear of losing the relationship I was in. All the time though I was sabotaging the chances of developing that intimacy by using porn.