Author Topic: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better (Read 14648 times)

Erasmus_xlt · « **Reply #75 on:** June 12, 2016, 01:21:51 AM »

42 Days of learning to live again.

It's hard to let myself die. But, that's what I have to do. I have to die so that I can live.

A paradox no doubt. But, for too long now, it has all been about me. My wants. My desires. My way. The world tells us as men that we are the man. We make the rules. We wear the pants in the house. We get what we want. What we want, we just take it. And, that's a football.

A football is leather on the outside. As hard as it is, you'd think the leather went all the way through. But, it's only filled with air. That's a good description for an excuse:.a skin of truth stuffed with a lie.

As men we are to lead our wife and our family. Yet, we are also told to be willing to die to ourselves. We are to be willing to give our life for our wife. Initially, I thought, "Sure, I'd die to save my wife in an emergency.". But, I've been studying and people are saying that the ultimate sacrifice is not dying for my wife, but living for my wife. Preferring her wants and desires above my own. THATS HARDER.

The fear is that if I do that, I won't get anything I want. Well, all I can say is that at this point it's worth the trouble to try. After all, it hasn't worked my way.

Now, I'm not saying that this is going to work overnight. I'm also not saying that she won't take advantage of the situation. But, God is infinitely more wise than I am. If he says this is the way it should be, who am I to argue?

Dying is still hard...

fyg · « **Reply #76 on:** June 12, 2016, 07:36:48 AM »

Hi Erasmus,

Your last post is the only one I've read so far, but I hear the message in all your words there. I'm not religious, nor do I have a wife. But, my experiences are very similar, in that trying for what 'I' want to get from others rarely works in a fair way when it's self-interest based.

I hear the gamble too

Quote

The fear is that if I do that, I won't get anything I want

. I feel that too. Personally, and if I may, I believe that our societies are so geared to individuality that we forget we are all interconnected. Maybe we've all forgotten that? I'm doing some reading around Buddhism (insert desired religion or philosophy, also

) at the moment and it's talks of this interconnectedness.

Cheers!

Objectified1 · « **Reply #77 on:** June 12, 2016, 07:35:10 PM »

Your last post was definitely a great one

. Your afraid you won't get anything you want but I know from experience if you put her first and live for her it will inspire such love in her
For you that she will give you anything and everything that is in her power to give. So you won't have to worry about not getting anything. We try to push and pull to get what we want. But giving others what they want and living for others actually inspires them to freely give to us. So the way to get what we want in a deeply satisfying way is to give first.

Erasmus_xlt · « **Reply #78 on:** June 14, 2016, 09:29:16 PM »

It's been 45 days since I last intentionally viewed porn. Do you how refreshing it is to say that? It would be even better of course, to not need to say it, but that's an alternate reality.

Thank for all the words of encouragement for my last post. I only wish that dying to self was as easy as saying the words. It's not that I didn't mean it. I did. I do. I will. But life is not linear. Just because I say it does not make it so tight away.

I have lived so much of my life being opaque. I didn't tell everyone everything that I did. I could give just enough to keep people happy. Not lies, but not the whole truth. My wife demands that I live at another level. A level quite unfamiliar to me. A level I must aspire to before I lose the best thing that's happened to me.

To that end, I am not only quitting a bad habit. But I have to truly rewire my brain to tell the whole truth. Not just part. Not just enough. All of it. I know you don't think that should be that hard. But, frankly , it is. Not because I intend to lie but, because it's a life long pattern of evasiveness. And, no, I don't know why.

But change, I must. Die to self, I must. This almost makes breaking the porn habit easy. But. I know it isn't and I know I must be intentional in my actions and thoughts. No idle thoughts or automatic reactions. Auto pilot takes the path of least resistance. Every thought must be accounted for.

Hard work will be with me for the rest of my life. I must remain strong, sober and vigilant as everyone that reads this must. Otherwise, the vicious cycle of binging and rebooting will cause me to be a shell of a human wondering how I ended up somewhere I don't want to be.

Fight the good fight!

Objectified1 · « **Reply #79 on:** June 15, 2016, 08:03:32 AM »

You say hard work will be with you the rest of your life. I believe it will be hard work
Till you create the habit. Just about anything gets easier in time and will become automatic. It won't be hard work your whole life

.

Erasmus_xlt · « **Reply #80 on:** June 15, 2016, 09:10:51 AM »

It will be great when good, acceptable habits replace the habits that have ruled my life these last 20+ years of my 46 years on earth. But, I have no illusions that having a good relationship will not continue to require hard work. It will get easier and it will be much better for both of us.

Chip · « **Reply #81 on:** June 15, 2016, 09:23:54 AM »

Quote from: Erasmus_xlt on June 14, 2016, 09:29:16 PM

It's been 45 days since I last intentionally viewed porn. Do you how refreshing it is to say that? It would be even better of course, to not need to say it, but that's an alternate reality.

Thank for all the words of encouragement for my last post. I only wish that dying to self was as easy as saying the words. It's not that I didn't mean it. I did. I do. I will. But life is not linear. Just because I say it does not make it so tight away.

I have lived so much of my life being opaque. I didn't tell everyone everything that I did. I could give just enough to keep people happy. Not lies, but not the whole truth. My wife demands that I live at another level. A level quite unfamiliar to me. A level I must aspire to before I lose the best thing that's happened to me.

To that end, I am not only quitting a bad habit. But I have to truly rewire my brain to tell the whole truth. Not just part. Not just enough. All of it. I know you don't think that should be that hard. But, frankly , it is. Not because I intend to lie but, because it's a life long pattern of evasiveness. And, no, I don't know why.

But change, I must. Die to self, I must. This almost makes breaking the porn habit easy. But. I know it isn't and I know I must be intentional in my actions and thoughts. No idle thoughts or automatic reactions. Auto pilot takes the path of least resistance. Every thought must be accounted for.

Hard work will be with me for the rest of my life. I must remain strong, sober and vigilant as everyone that reads this must. Otherwise, the vicious cycle of binging and rebooting will cause me to be a shell of a human wondering how I ended up somewhere I don't want to be.

Fight the good fight!

The Kicker is, once you finally let yourself go(die) and you no longer seek to self please, what you get in return is 100 times better than anything you could've gotten for yourself. We'll look back and wonder why in the world did I use all that time and energy on myself when it didn't even make me happy. Porn is such an empty desolate disaster, it gives absolutely nothing and takes everything. Its the worst deal anyone can make. Your post are amazing, they are food for the spirit and a blessing to read. keep going, it only gets better from here.

Erasmus_xlt · « **Reply #82 on:** June 15, 2016, 10:47:18 AM »

Thanks @Chip. I appreciate that you see progress in me and that my posts might help someone. I can't take full credit for the change in tone of my posts. As my wife reads and let's me know what she hears, I realize I have to make changes.

Additionally, as my 30 day Love Journey has been progressing, I am learning that I have to do better at protecting my wife by censoring what I put in public about her. As I am learning to empathize more with her and see things from her point of view (or at least what I think her point if view might be), I am viewing my actions and words differently.

Don't get me wrong, I can see how it will be difficult and I still don't get it right often. But the change is happening in me. I know I can't just be intentional about quitting porn and think that will fix everything else that's wrong. I have to be intentional about everything. That is going to make everything tough. I expect to second guess myself on everything.

That means that my confidence is shaken. I can't trust myself. Until I get that back and can live by making good and right decisions, life will be hard. But the change must happen or I will be a miserable old man.

Stay strong. Stay sober. Stay vigilant.

Chip · « **Reply #83 on:** June 15, 2016, 11:46:26 AM »

I hear you, but I think the misery will be passing.

Stay strong brother

Erasmus_xlt · « **Reply #84 on:** June 15, 2016, 02:24:51 PM »

This is a repost of a post by a SO, Gracie. I found it to be very insightful and educational. I would like to implement these rules with my wife when we get to a point when we can.

@Gracie:. Only you know your heart and mind. I discovered my husband's use 4 years ago. I told him "I do not know if I can get past this." (I should point out here that it was not internet,, but we had all the movie channels so he had lots of access.) I started reading and reading. I came across a lot of information that basically said, "Boys will be boys." And I felt funny, this is not how it feels to be on the other side of this. It did not feel like "boys will be boys" I was pretty sure that if it was that instance it would not feel like it did. I knew that was not what I was looking for information wise.

I had a man that was kind and loving and cared. I had a man that I enjoyed having sex with frequently. This man had changed. (You know, the hindsight glasses thing) It had happened over a period of time. Until finally, due to a health difficulty of mine, he chose to sleep on the couch. I thought how understanding. But then there was no sex. Maybe once a week. I had to ask. When I did, he asked if he had missed a signal. Then came the time we made love and he went downstairs. I went down half hour later to get some water and he was rolled over facing the couch but porn was on.

I went away on a short trip the next morning. (Already planned) When I got back, I said we have to have some rules so I do not just walk away. (Due to past life experiences all the way back to childhood, I just moved on, if not in body, in mind.) The rules were:

No more porn. (We disconnected the satellite tv. Even if we got rid of movie channels there were free weekends.)
We are in bed together every night.
We stay in be together every night, all night.
We sleep naked.
We sit together on the couch. No one in a chair.
We kiss hello and goodbye each time we leave the house and come back. (Not just going to work)
We cuddle. Full body hugs in bed every morning and every evening while in bed naked.
If we discussed this, some part of our bodies had to be touching while we talked. (foot, hand, side by side etc)

Those were the beginning rules. I came up with these while reading about this and reading about marriage conflict, in the early stages. These helped a lot. Did I get mad? Yes Did I yell? Yes Did he get mean? Yes He became a man I had NEVER seen before. I was scared. I also got depressed. Almost suicidal.
We have been married a long time.

The routine above kept us tied to each other. Even when sad, sad, sad, I participated. Even when mad, mad, mad, I participated. And he did too. Sometimes after a release of emotion, the full body hug was difficult but we did it. Sometimes, it was the most comforting thing of all. The routine got us through. We both got something we had been missing. Physical contact. Do not underestimate the power of that touch. It took a lot to do this. I would tell him I loved him but I did not like what he had done, and what he had done undermined the foundation of our marriage. When the dislike was great, it was difficult. There were times that he felt he disliked me. I had taken away his "pleasure"

There are other things we added in along the way. The most important was we would say, "I'm not going anywhere." as we worked through this. And even now when I have "moments" he will hold me and say that. And never underestimate saying I Love You.

I also found a website/blog that helped us immensely. It is for the PA and the SO. markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com It is amazing. He has recently added a 30 day recovery course for recovering addicts that is quite good. He and I read it together. He has archived the blog posts as well and they have a gold mine of information. He and Geoff Steurer wrote a book, "Love You, Hate the Porn. We read that together as well. Geoff also has youtube videos as well.

You should not have to be the police. Try what I suggested above. Let him know, "This is the commitment I need." I hope this helped. We are a supportive forum. Read and post often.

Erasmus_xlt · « **Reply #85 on:** June 15, 2016, 11:11:53 PM »

This is information I want to be able to get to later. It is from a post in the success stories by someone that found success by concentrating on building his relationship with his wife rather than on beating porn:

So glad to hear of your progress.

This article has lots of men's self reports about relationship improvements after giving up porn: http://yourbrainonporn.com/guys-who-gave-porn-sex-and-romance.

Erasmus_xlt · « **Reply #86 on:** June 18, 2016, 05:08:29 AM »

I have always known that one of the best ways to learn something is to teach others. I became a better sax player when I taught music at a private high school. I became a better preacher when I taught Bible classes. I became a better handwriting analyst when I taught others to be analysts. I became a better dog trainer when I started training other people's dogs.

So, one of the things I have engaged in is commenting in other people's blogs. It helps me get outside of myself. It strengths my resolve because I am not just thinking about me and I am repeating the principles over and over to help others as well as myself.

It's not because I know more than everyone else. But if I can help someone then I help myself. There are plenty of people with more success at this than me. I read them also so that I can get to where they are.

I'm still learning on the relationship side of things.and gladly welcome sound advice in this arena. I appreciate the comments I receive from the community. I especially glean wisdom from SOs of PAs that have reignited the passion in their lives. Learning to love and be loved is of utmost importance to me at this juncture in my life.

Erasmus_xlt · « **Reply #87 on:** June 18, 2016, 05:28:26 AM »

I just read this statement in someone else's blog:

Yes, my wife is an incredible blessing. I've thought alot about the power of my relationship with my wife as I have worked to change my life to one without PMO and eliminating other facets of the addiction. I believe that she, and the relationship we have, were the reasons that created the urgency and resolve to change. That was essential in the early months. At some point, something changed and we became partners in this journey, and no longer was I motivated by potentially losing her, but I am motivated by becoming the kind of man she deserves.

He was fortunate to have had many years of building a solid relationship with his wife before porn became a problem. Unfortunately, I did not have that luxury. My wife feels that I have wasted the 5 years of her life and is really struggling to find something to build on for the rest of our life together.

I think she is getting to where we can build a marriage that is strong. Where we can both be nurtured by it. But, we both recognize the importance of having counseling to get us through. Even in her anger, my wife helps me. I look forward to when we are constructively build our marriage together without the flaw of pornography affecting me and ultimately her.

Erasmus_xlt · « **Reply #88 on:** June 19, 2016, 05:17:59 AM »

50 days without porn. 50 days without a crutch. I'm still standing.

The number 50 is important in Biblical numerology. In the New Testament, the Holy Spirit was given to Christians 50 days after Jesus arose from the dead on the Day of Pentecost. The Holy Spirit is the supernatural guide and comforter given to empower Christians in God's work and to escape temptation.

The number 50 also represents freedom and deliverance. Every 50th year is a year of Jubilee for Israel. In that year all depts are forgiven and all inheritances are returned to the debtor. This happens on the Day of Atonement during the Year of Jubilee.

Looking at these two together (there are other references for the number 50), we have forgiveness from our sins and the Holy Spirit to guide us on our journey to keep us from temptation. As a Christian, that is a big deal. However, the Holy Spirit guides and leads. He does not force or coerce us to do anything; He is the small voice telling us"no".

Last night, I dreamed (I don't normally dream or I don't remember dreaming, but lately I have been) that I lapsed and binged on porn for hours. I had a second dream where someone posted a picture of a naked woman with short hair.

I think I had these dreams because my wife and I talked about what makes this time different than other times. We also talked about when she previously had short hair. It's amazing how the mind works. I don't try to put much meaning into these; just crazy tidbits of information the brain is mulling over as I am going to sleep.

But, a significant part of my reasoning for avoiding porn is my wife. The biggest part is my relationship with God. I trust that the Holy Spirit will lead me out of temptation and deliver me from this evil. And, that He will comfort my wife and heal our relationship.

May this be a Day of Atonement and Jubilee for many others when you reach 50 days.

Erasmus_xlt · « **Reply #89 on:** June 19, 2016, 06:32:26 AM »

50 days porn free and now, it's not all about me.

I'm at a point where I am realizing that only thinking about me and my problem is keeping me in a grave with the ends kicked out (a rut). To move on, I have to think also about my wife and our relationship.

I will continue to work on me because I'm a work in progress. But, I will endeavour to become a relationship expert, an intimacy expert and an expert about my wife. I was directed to this blog from the Partners area and found it to be insightful:

http://rebootblueprint.com/porn-induced-partner-trauma/

Hopefully, it will help those of us on my side of this issue to better understand what our actions have done to our partners.

Another article with additional links:
http://rebootblueprint.com/partner-of-a-porn-addict-advice/

balanced · « **Reply #90 on:** June 19, 2016, 07:46:01 AM »

Congrats on 50 days! Yes, I think there's that point where the work we are doing expands to encompass our spouse, but remains rooted in our own desire and commitment to make a life change for and within ourselves. If we are blessed to have a strong wife who is willing to partner with us in our journey, and we have done the work of becoming more open, accessible, honest, present and connected to our partner, then the outcome of our work begins to include great improvements in our relationship with her.

Way to go, I appreciate your passion and resolve, it helps us all.

Chip · « **Reply #91 on:** June 19, 2016, 05:41:58 PM »

Quote from: Erasmus_xlt on June 19, 2016, 06:32:26 AM

50 days porn free and now, it's not all about me.

I'm at a point where I am realizing that only thinking about me and my problem is keeping me in a grave with the ends kicked out (a rut). To move on, I have to think also about my wife and our relationship.

I will continue to work on me because I'm a work in progress. But, I will endeavour to become a relationship expert, an intimacy expert and an expert about my wife. I was directed to this blog from the Partners area and found it to be insightful:

http://rebootblueprint.com/porn-induced-partner-trauma/

Hopefully, it will help those of us on my side of this issue to better understand what our actions have done to our partners.

Another article with additional links:
http://rebootblueprint.com/partner-of-a-porn-addict-advice/

First, Congrats on turning 50!
Second, thanks for the links I'm gonna check them out.

Erasmus_xlt · « **Reply #92 on:** June 26, 2016, 07:42:24 AM »

I've been busy with life and an over-abundance of meetings and not able to post as regularly as I had been. My therapist has recommended that I do 90 meetings of SA in 90 days. I have found several meetings in town, but I will try to figure out how to do some of them online.

My wife and I are talking and making progress. She has been asked about taking a promotion at work also. My wife continues to impress me and I love her very much.

While 40 days and 50 days were significant milestones along my journey, they are merely that: milestones. When you are traveling to infinity and beyond, it helps to see the signposts along the way.

One thing that I have been considering as I have listened to the stories of other people is that mine is a bit different. Most seem to be addicted to the people that they see. My addiction is more to the act. I think this is because I was exposed to the act of sex at an early age and because I resisted forming attachments to people because of all the traveling. That also may help me understand why I am big in doing things and not just being or feeling. I will have to explore this train of thought more.

In any event, I'm still working on making deeper connection with my wife as I am learning more about true intimacy with God. Reading my Bible and reading my wife are two of the biggest adventures right now. I've read the Bible completely several times now. I've learned a lot ABOUT God but I feel that I don't really KNOW God. Likewise, I know ABOUT my wife but am only now getting to KNOW who she really is.

I'm starting to enjoy the Journey. I have much further to go. I have much learning to do. I know it's early yet, but the addiction is behind me. Intimacy is before me. Emotional education is here and now. The kid I was stuck at is growing up.

Stay strong, stay sober, stay vigilant.

Chip · « **Reply #93 on:** June 26, 2016, 10:46:15 AM »

Glad to hear from you Erasmus_xlt, I was just wondering why I hadn't seen anything from you in a bit. Glad to hear the progress continues, I look forward to your updates and it sounds like your journey is shaping up to be quite an adventure! I'm so happy for you and it is a blessing seeing you grow and change as the Holy spirit continues to mold and shape you. You are an asset, an inspiration and a friend.

Be Well Brother,

Chip

Erasmus_xlt · « **Reply #94 on:** June 27, 2016, 10:17:57 PM »

@Chip, I appreciate your encouragement and support. I am blessed to have you as a brother in this time. Your thoughtful words are a reflection of your tender heart. I pray that you have the success you long for and the intestinal fortitude to say no when necessary.

Read an article about intimacy today after attending a Celebrate Recovery meeting. It talked about the fact that emotional intimacy requires vulnerability. Well, that explains why I don't know much about intimacy: until very recently, I resisted being vulnerable to anyone - including my wife. Early on, I called myself being vulnerable by basically dumping my past on her. I guess I was trying to explain what she was getting into, but I minimized it also.

The article also suggests ways to provide for intimacy. it mentions that you can focus on showing unconditional acceptance (non-judgementality), genuineness and understanding (empathy) through your own behaviour. My question is, "How do you do that in an authentic way?". While I tested high for IQ, I recognize that I am emotionally illiterate. However, I am not emotionally stupid. I understand the words but, I feel like she is going to think I'm faking when I try to that part of me. I don't want to fake - I've done that for too long already.

The article also says that you can further build intimacy through your own emotional transparency. It's hard to be emotionally transparent when you don't really know what you are feeling. I've spent too long numbing myself against feeling that it's hard to accurately describe what I am feeling. I hope I am getting better.

Chip · « **Reply #95 on:** June 28, 2016, 09:16:22 AM »

I think maybe your concerns, your questions in regards to emotional honesty, you kinda started to answer that for yourself in your post. To just put pride aside and say, "I don't know what I'm feeling" is a start. The fact that you are expressing it instead of sitting on it or medicating it, is a move forward. Emotions and feelings are difficult to quantify sometimes, but just admitting they exist, is a start. Keep peeling back the layers and as you continue to pray and study, bit by bit all will be revealed to you in a manner and time that you can handle. God is mysterious, but He only wants the best for us.

Chip

Erasmus_xlt · « **Reply #96 on:** June 29, 2016, 05:55:38 AM »

60 days free from porn.

The number 60 in Biblical numerology is associated with pride. The scripture says that "Pride goes before destruction...". I take that as a warning to not be prideful of reaching 60 days free from something that has destroyed so much. While it is an accomplishment of note, it's merely a drop in the bucket of the rest of my life.

Pride is a large part of why I am in this situation in the first place. Too much pride to tell someone about what was happening to me as a child. Too much pride to talk to someone about what I was feeling. Too much pride to tell my wife what was going on with me. Too much pride to admit my wrong and come clean.

Yes, there is a place for good pride - pride of accomplishments. But pride taken to excess or false pride when accomplishing something I should not be doing anyway is NOT a good thing. I resent the years and relationships I have lost. And yet, I am glad to be on a path of personal improvement.

Here's to another 60!

balanced · « **Reply #97 on:** June 29, 2016, 06:41:12 AM »

Quote from: Erasmus_xlt on June 26, 2016, 07:42:24 AM

In any event, I'm still working on making deeper connection with my wife as I am learning more about true intimacy with God. Reading my Bible and reading my wife are two of the biggest adventures right now. I've read the Bible completely several times now. I've learned a lot ABOUT God but I feel that I don't really KNOW God. Likewise, I know ABOUT my wife but am only now getting to KNOW who she really is.

E, my therapist recommended that I read the book "The Road Less Traveled" and I did so during my silent retreat this past week...I gotta say, it was very impactful for me, and it might be helpful to you. The author, M. Scott Peck, is a psychotherapist, and he uses his experience as an entry point into an examination of spiritual development and God in our lives. It might be helpful for you, it was amazingly relevant for me as I view my journey as a process of spiritual growth and building relationships with my wife, God, family, friends, co-workers, etc.

Keep on keepin' on.

Chip · « **Reply #98 on:** June 29, 2016, 07:29:33 AM »

Quote from: Erasmus_xlt on June 29, 2016, 05:55:38 AM

60 days free from porn.

The number 60 in Biblical numerology is associated with pride. The scripture says that "Pride goes before destruction...". I take that as a warning to not be prideful of reaching 60 days free from something that has destroyed so much. While it is an accomplishment of note, it's merely a drop in the bucket of the rest of my life.

Pride is a large part of why I am in this situation in the first place. Too much pride to tell someone about what was happening to me as a child. Too much pride to talk to someone about what I was feeling. Too much pride to tell my wife what was going on with me. Too much pride to admit my wrong and come clean.

Yes, there is a place for good pride - pride of accomplishments. But pride taken to excess or false pride when accomplishing something I should not be doing anyway is NOT a good thing. I resent the years and relationships I have lost. And yet, I am glad to be on a path of personal improvement.

Here's to another 60!

Indeed, I think "Pride" keeps a lot of men stuck in porn's prison longer than they have to be.

Gracie · « **Reply #99 on:** July 02, 2016, 08:48:45 AM »

I feel that everyone should be able to have a place they can vent their feelings. This is a tough thing to work through. I would have been a basket case I not been here and on other forums. Porn addiction is not something that either the PA or the SO can just walk up and talk to anyone about. And women especially need this because of the way we are emotionally wired. And men need it to go What the heck do I do now.

Blogging is great. It is how we are able to express ourselves and this helps us heal.