The fear is that if I do that, I won't get anything I want
It's been 45 days since I last intentionally viewed porn. Do you how refreshing it is to say that? It would be even better of course, to not need to say it, but that's an alternate reality.Thank for all the words of encouragement for my last post. I only wish that dying to self was as easy as saying the words. It's not that I didn't mean it. I did. I do. I will. But life is not linear. Just because I say it does not make it so tight away.I have lived so much of my life being opaque. I didn't tell everyone everything that I did. I could give just enough to keep people happy. Not lies, but not the whole truth. My wife demands that I live at another level. A level quite unfamiliar to me. A level I must aspire to before I lose the best thing that's happened to me.To that end, I am not only quitting a bad habit. But I have to truly rewire my brain to tell the whole truth. Not just part. Not just enough. All of it. I know you don't think that should be that hard. But, frankly , it is. Not because I intend to lie but, because it's a life long pattern of evasiveness. And, no, I don't know why. But change, I must. Die to self, I must. This almost makes breaking the porn habit easy. But. I know it isn't and I know I must be intentional in my actions and thoughts. No idle thoughts or automatic reactions. Auto pilot takes the path of least resistance. Every thought must be accounted for.Hard work will be with me for the rest of my life. I must remain strong, sober and vigilant as everyone that reads this must. Otherwise, the vicious cycle of binging and rebooting will cause me to be a shell of a human wondering how I ended up somewhere I don't want to be.Fight the good fight!
50 days porn free and now, it's not all about me.I'm at a point where I am realizing that only thinking about me and my problem is keeping me in a grave with the ends kicked out (a rut). To move on, I have to think also about my wife and our relationship. I will continue to work on me because I'm a work in progress. But, I will endeavour to become a relationship expert, an intimacy expert and an expert about my wife. I was directed to this blog from the Partners area and found it to be insightful:http://rebootblueprint.com/porn-induced-partner-trauma/Hopefully, it will help those of us on my side of this issue to better understand what our actions have done to our partners.Another article with additional links:http://rebootblueprint.com/partner-of-a-porn-addict-advice/
In any event, I'm still working on making deeper connection with my wife as I am learning more about true intimacy with God. Reading my Bible and reading my wife are two of the biggest adventures right now. I've read the Bible completely several times now. I've learned a lot ABOUT God but I feel that I don't really KNOW God. Likewise, I know ABOUT my wife but am only now getting to KNOW who she really is.
60 days free from porn.The number 60 in Biblical numerology is associated with pride. The scripture says that "Pride goes before destruction...". I take that as a warning to not be prideful of reaching 60 days free from something that has destroyed so much. While it is an accomplishment of note, it's merely a drop in the bucket of the rest of my life.Pride is a large part of why I am in this situation in the first place. Too much pride to tell someone about what was happening to me as a child. Too much pride to talk to someone about what I was feeling. Too much pride to tell my wife what was going on with me. Too much pride to admit my wrong and come clean.Yes, there is a place for good pride - pride of accomplishments. But pride taken to excess or false pride when accomplishing something I should not be doing anyway is NOT a good thing. I resent the years and relationships I have lost. And yet, I am glad to be on a path of personal improvement.Here's to another 60!