Author Topic: Simple man, complex journey  (Read 763 times)

Hahnsolo

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Simple man, complex journey
« on: May 13, 2016, 02:13:13 AM »

This is my simplified journal. I believe that I got too carried away with words last time that thoughts got lost. And after the recent tough times, anxiety, and relapse I’ve had I need something different. Here is what I have learned so far.

WHO AM I
I am 24 yr old guy married with two ages 3 and 9 mo. I am generally classified by peers to be successful with many things in life which I can credit to God and my wife. Although I have come an extremely long way from being that nervous, shy, nerdy high schooler without a direction I have always been held up by one thing. Porn.
Introduced to porn when I was 12 then computers and internet soon after. PMO has had a major hold on my life ever since even though I have tried many times to stop.
Porn became an issue with my wife and stopped 5 years ago… or so she thought. There has only been one time since that she believes I have relapsed.
Renewed drive since my wife is now pregnant.

PORN EFFECTS
Created a level of deviance and secrecy.
Mental ED of sorts. Most of the time I fantasize to get more into real sex.
Mental clarity and memory seem to be one of my biggest losses personally. My brain seems to have been rewired to not need to keep most long term memories, even important ones.

GOALS
Completely stop. Minimize or cut out MO.
Get to a point where I am comfortable bringing my wife into this reboot journey. She just doesn’t understand the depth and complexity of this addiction.
I hope to become a support for others dealing with this addiction and change their life.

TRIGGERS/CHALLENGES
Rotating schedule/Rotating shifts/12 hr shifts
Women are sexy. lol

WHAT IVE LEARNED
Just like getting healthy it’s a lifestyle choice. Trying to tackle this like a fad won’t work in the long run.
Eating healthy and working out has improved my life overall.
Need a cool down method (still haven’t figured mine out)
Ups and downs will happen. Gotta hang on for the ride and reach out for help

Hahnsolo

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Re: Simple man, complex journey
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2016, 01:42:53 AM »
Living in a world that thrives off sexuality is getting really hard. I understand there is only so much I can do to stay away from triggers and I also know I need to find a cool down or motivation to just cut off the fantasizing.
After reading about having the wrong approach to it all I'mstarting to soul search more. I thought that abstaining and looking forward to life after the completed the reboot was the way to go. The problem is this method only lasts as long as my motivation which didn't last nearly as long as I wanted. I'm pushing for permanent change and the life I want and rebooting is just a part of that.
All this stuff is jumbled right now so hopefully I'll get some clarity and will be able to overcome this spell Of mental tiredness that I have been experiencing over the last couple weeks( that chased me to relapse.)

Hahnsolo

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Re: Simple man, complex journey
« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2016, 01:44:16 AM »
After a terrible weakness and clouded relapse period I feel as though things are once again clearing up again. I was even thinking that I may have failed this reboot process but I finally have pulled myself out from the ashes. I no longer think of this journey as abstaining for a period of time but as a permanent change that I have to set my lifestyle toward.

I've been looking into a program called 80000 hrs to reevaluate my job, and the career that I should be looking forward to. Surprisingly this career help website has much more emphasis on learning about yourself, and determining how you can use your strengths for the good of others. This along with a goal of daily self reflection and positivity toward myself I'm hoping will be a good tool in this reboot.

I still have many reserves since I relapsed so bad recently. It's just frustrating how easy it is to fall into old habits when tired and mentally weak. I need to beat this though. I have to beat this. Especially now that my wife is pregnant with our third child! Great news but hopefully another tool I can bring to this fight.

Hahnsolo

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Re: Simple man, complex journey
« Reply #3 on: June 18, 2016, 03:45:39 AM »
It has been a while and although it seems that the positive changes I have implemented has made my quality of life better, relapses are too frequent not to be disgusted at myself!! My wife is in the first trimester and is not as capable of taking care of things being sick, tired, and still having to raise 2 other kids.
Weakest point for me is still shift work and being exhausted keeping order in the household. I wish so much that I could open up about this addiction and find new purpose to rebooting.
I have listed reasons to reboot, I've tried reading up, but I still fog over and fall off the wagon. I don't even get real sex anymore( wife is early pregnant) and when I hit my 36 day streak a couple of months ago I think leaning on that helped.
Seems like 2 steps forward and I fall over backwards. How I stand up again is my next step. This post is a good start of realizing the problem in my book.