Author Topic: NoFap Consciousness  (Read 35220 times)

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #300 on: December 22, 2017, 04:20:29 PM »
A week into hard mode and I searched for P and edged a little but did not O. When I commit to Ming my first thought is still to dash to the computer rather than to MO without P. I'm not going to switch to soft mode just yet. The new year is fast approaching and I intend to try and break my record for total abstinence. The rest of my life is still stalling. Having finished the my first run through my undergraduate revision I have yet to go back and do it again, this time in more detail. Indeed I haven't been doing any maths revision for about a week and a half. Nor have I been doing my exercises. I'm going to aim to start both again on boxing day. They give me purpose and that is helpful. However the real problem is my mind. When I go to search for P it is usually because I have thought of some new search term combination. It is almost as if the search terms are more arousing to me than the actual images. Indeed 99% of the thumbnails I see disgusts me and even when I do look at a video I basically only watch the beginning before they actually have sex. This is how messed up this whole business is. It is basically the act of searching, the anticipation, the process, that arouses me, not the actual P itself, though I won't deny that I am aroused by the women as well. Most of the arousal, however, comes from my imagination, yet I have been going to the computer to feed it. I don't enjoy watching people have sex, I enjoy looking at beautiful women acting provocatively and then imagining the rest. Afterwards I always feel terrible and ashamed for having O'd under such circumstances. The trigger is always imagining what new images I will find and that always starts with a new search term coming into my head. I owe it to everyone, including myself, to not search for new images. It has been just over a year and a half since I joined this site and twice I have done around five months abstinence which is already an improvement. I will do six months abstinence this year. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #301 on: December 24, 2017, 12:46:33 PM »
So a week till the new year. I shall do six months hard mode. I can do it. I choose to do it. I shall do it. What is there left to analyse? I have been trying to give up PMO for the past thirty years. This site is helping me. My condition and the medication I am on makes me restless. I cannot focus on one thing for more than half an hour max. I will start my exercises and mathematics revision again on Tuesday. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #302 on: December 26, 2017, 03:27:57 PM »
Had a good Christmas, no PMO. Did my mathematics revision today. Five days to go to the new year. Thank you.

Loving_Mary

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #303 on: December 26, 2017, 08:21:00 PM »
Come on Georgos, good job ;)
Peace :)

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #304 on: January 01, 2018, 09:33:14 AM »
Thank you Loving_Mary. So no further PMO before New Year. Doing my maths every day. This year I will finally break free. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #305 on: January 29, 2018, 03:24:24 PM »
So my experience of trying to separate P from MO is progressing. From now on I'm going to record every time I MO even though I am allowing myself to do this as part of the "soft mode" approach. This is because since starting soft mode I have been MOing a lot. I do not see this as a failure, but it has made it more difficult to separate from the P. I have found that I can look at P without MOing, and I can MO without looking at P, but so far sustained soft mode has eluded me, best I did was just over three weeks. Andyjee's journal has inspired me though. If he can go two years without P then so can I. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #306 on: February 01, 2018, 08:42:29 AM »
Ok so I MOd today. I am still unsure of my strategy. Basically I have been allowing myself every time I get the urge to look at P to MO without P instead. This is problematic because it means I am rewarding my brain with dopamine and opioids at the slightest urge rather than trying to ignore the urges, thus I have been MOing more, and when I try and control the MOing I am more likely to search for and look at P. I need to sort this out. I have thought about setting fixed times when I can MO which I think is what I will try. There is another problem as well, my experience of MO is quick, there is much less tension between release of dopamine and release of opioids unlike with searching for and looking at P. This is because I have trained myself to MO to P rather than a blank mind. This is why I have been finding it hard to avoid returning to searching for and looking at P, even if when I do, I don't M and even though I have been allowing myself to MO freely without P. Writing all this is making me question what I am doing. I decided to try soft mode after years of trying hard mode because I reasoned that given that I always seemed to return to PMO in the end, it would be better if I could just return to MO instead. However, allowing myself to MO freely has so far knocked my discipline for six. As I said, I MOd today. I don't know how long to set a time for when I can MO again. I will have to think about it and see how I feel. The main thing is that I don't search for or look at P. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #307 on: February 02, 2018, 03:06:01 PM »
So a totally clean day today. I'm still confused about where I stand with soft mode. I think soft mode is really meant for people with partners who still want to enjoy sex together during the reboot. Why am I trying soft mode when I've managed around five months before hard mode? I haven't got a partner, nor have I particularly thought about trying to get one for some time now, it just hasn't entered my consciousness. What I want is for my default form of self-induced orgasm to be from MO and not PMO. This is so that when I do go hard mode I do not revert back to searching for and looking at P if I fail. Reading a book on how to achieve happiness in ones life, it says that shame is one of the factors that can cause long lasting unhappiness. Looking at P makes me feel shame. I simply cannot justify it to myself. I have read some talk about so called "ethical P", but even if all those taking part are happy about what they are doing, it is still objectifying the human body for me, and teaching me that sexual fulfilment comes from staring at a screen. Now MO without P is also problematic in that it establishes a norm whereby sexual fulfilment comes from oneself. Ideally I would like to stop both. Someone suggested that I see a sex therapist. I think that is a good idea, but can't really afford it at the moment. Anyway, as I said, a totally clean day today. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #308 on: February 04, 2018, 02:38:09 PM »
Another two days totally clean. It shouldn't be hard going several days without MO given that I can go weeks and months without PMO, but it is. I dare not leave the MO indefinitely because if I do the chances have been that I will return to PMO instead. I have found that it is easier to avoid MO then it is to avoid PMO because PMO begins with a click coupled with anticipation. Dopamine is released with anticipation initially. MO doesn't have that anticipation. So the dopamine pathways aren't lit up initially. The only way I'm going to be able to do this as soft mode is to set targets of when I can MO. This will have to be quite frequently at first, I am thinking once every five days or so. The aim is to never search for or look at P again. So anyway, I have had three days so far totally clean. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #309 on: February 06, 2018, 03:17:04 PM »
Another two days totally clean, taking me to five days since I last MO'd. Thinking about when I'm going to allow myself to MO next in line with pursuing a soft mode reboot. Not sure at the moment. I am thinking I could just leave it now as to as and when I get the urge, and then make sure I do another five days minimum total abstinence, but I am also wondering if once every minimum of five days is too frequent. This level of control is a bit crazy, but I am sick of doing long stretches of hard mode, only to return to PMO at the end of them. The problem remains that succumbing to PMO urges is easier than succumbing to MO urges on their own. I really don't know what I'm doing. I just know that consciously, I'd rather MO than PMO and I'd rather not MO at all. Chemically is another matter :( Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #310 on: February 08, 2018, 04:00:38 PM »
Another two days total abstinence taking me past a week completely clean. My fear is that if I don't schedule a time to MO then when I relapse I will go straight to PMO instead. Yet it feels good to continue being completely clean. Nor do I want a situation like in January where I was searching for P without MOing on some days and MOing without searching for P on some others with clean days in between. The purpose of soft mode is to completely eliminate P from my life without placing the near impossible expectation of completely eliminating O. Perhaps it is possible to never O, I don't know, but it's probably not even healthy to do that. I know I can go relatively long periods without O but I am still afraid of what happens at the end of them. Fly Phoenix reminded me from his journal that the quality of the reboot matters more than the quantity of days. I am also scared to think about that at the moment as well lest it distract me from staying clean. My experience of psychosis is much better since I stopped paying attention to politics a couple of months ago after my last major psychotic relapse though I am still experiencing some symptoms on a daily basis. I am reminded that I need to find meaning in something other than politics. Unfortunately, finding meaning in something remains elusive to me. Apparently some 85% if meaning in life comes from relationships for most people. I guess that is the way forward. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #311 on: February 10, 2018, 10:38:47 AM »
Another two days total abstention. It's not just dopamine that acts when we MO, there are opioids and I've been reading about oxytocin. The following from Psychology Today:

"What Is Oxytocin?

Oxytocin is a powerful hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain. It regulates social interaction and sexual reproduction, playing a role in behaviors from maternal-infant bonding and milk release to empathy, generosity, and orgasm. When we hug or kiss a loved one, oxytocin levels increase; hence, oxytocin is often called "the love hormone." In fact, the hormone plays a huge role in all pair bonding. The hormone is greatly stimulated during sex, birth, and breastfeeding. Oxytocin is the hormone that underlies trust. It is also an antidote to depressive feelings.

For all its positivity, however, oxytocin has a dark side. Or, more accurately, it plays a more complex role in human behavior than is commonly thought. As a facilitator of bonding among those who share similar characteristics, the hormone fosters distinctions between in-group and out-group members, and sets in motion favoritism toward in-group members and prejudice against those in out-groups. Ongoing research on the hormone is a potent reminder of the complexity of biological and psychological systems."

https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/oxytocin

This just raises so many thoughts about my recovery for me. It makes me tend to agree that hard mode is the only way to go. But my question remains, can one go hard mode forever? If not, does one condemn oneself to a lifetime of counting days, always struggling to beat one's last record. I guess the answer is to have a partner whome one can enjoy a healthy sex life with, but that doesn't seem to be happening for me at the moment. Thank you.

Loving_Mary

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #312 on: February 12, 2018, 03:34:24 PM »
Another two days total abstention. It's not just dopamine that acts when we MO, there are opioids and I've been reading about oxytocin. The following from Psychology Today:

"What Is Oxytocin?

Oxytocin is a powerful hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain. It regulates social interaction and sexual reproduction, playing a role in behaviors from maternal-infant bonding and milk release to empathy, generosity, and orgasm. When we hug or kiss a loved one, oxytocin levels increase; hence, oxytocin is often called "the love hormone." In fact, the hormone plays a huge role in all pair bonding. The hormone is greatly stimulated during sex, birth, and breastfeeding. Oxytocin is the hormone that underlies trust. It is also an antidote to depressive feelings.

For all its positivity, however, oxytocin has a dark side. Or, more accurately, it plays a more complex role in human behavior than is commonly thought. As a facilitator of bonding among those who share similar characteristics, the hormone fosters distinctions between in-group and out-group members, and sets in motion favoritism toward in-group members and prejudice against those in out-groups. Ongoing research on the hormone is a potent reminder of the complexity of biological and psychological systems."

https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/oxytocin

This just raises so many thoughts about my recovery for me. It makes me tend to agree that hard mode is the only way to go. But my question remains, can one go hard mode forever? If not, does one condemn oneself to a lifetime of counting days, always struggling to beat one's last record. I guess the answer is to have a partner whome one can enjoy a healthy sex life with, but that doesn't seem to be happening for me at the moment. Thank you.

well maybe the bottom line of everything isn't oxytocine...maybe the bottom line of the majority of your life is you. You determine what you want.

So key question is why did you go hard mode in the first place and if something has changed since then

cheers
Peace :)

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #313 on: February 13, 2018, 06:25:52 AM »

well maybe the bottom line of everything isn't oxytocine...maybe the bottom line of the majority of your life is you. You determine what you want.

So key question is why did you go hard mode in the first place and if something has changed since then

cheers
Cheers to you too LM :) I was going to reply last night, but ended up composing a defence of myself which I think is somewhat missing the point.

The reasons I want to reboot are the same as they have always been, integrity and the desire to develop healthy sexual relations.

Has anything changed?

Recently I have not been particularly interested in finding a girlfriend. I have been quite happy with myself, or rather, I have viewed the idea of having a girlfriend as complicating my life even more. I am no longer obsessed with a need for sex as I was when I was still a virgin. This has been a gradual process. I lost my virginity five years ago and have only had sex twice in my life. But I have come to realise that relationships are not just a means to a sexual end but a complex interaction of companionship, something that I do need, but that I am not chasing. This was my point about oxytocin, it is the "trust" hormone, the hormone of companionship, if one is used to releasing it solo, then one ends up reinforcing the separation of oneself from other people. This is why I said it seems to me that hard mode remains the best option.

However, there is an extra layer if one is used to releasing it in tandem with searching for P on the internet. One comes to build up a relationship of bonding with the computer seeking comfort from what the computer provides. On top of this, for me at least, searching for P is a much bigger damage to my integrity that merely MOing.

My real aim remains hard mode. However, I have been trying to achieve sustained hard mode for the past almost thirty years, ever since I started, counting days inbetween PMO since about the age of ten or so. For most of those years my record was around twenty days. It was only when I started meditating or praying at around the age of twenty eight  that I managed to start going months at a time. I am now thirty eight. Since joining here a couple of years ago I have had my best successes to date, so that is progress. However the reason I am talking about softmode, is because as I said, for me, P is much worse than just MO, for the simple reason that I would be more ashamed of admitting to searching for P than I would be of admitting to MOing. Is it more or less damaging to ones ability to form relationships. That depends on what one fantasizes about or is exposed to via P when one MOs. The best thing is not to do either and be in a healthy relationship. Perhaps it is even possible to be in a healthy relationship with God rather than another person as some monks and nuns are. I don't even know what that means to be honest. Indeed perhaps it is necessary to first be in a healthy relationship with God before one can be in a healthy relationship with another person, or the two go hand in hand. Perhaps this is the meaning of marriage. I hope atheists do not get caught up on my use of words, as Wittgenstein said, once you've reached the realisation of truth you need to throw away the ladder. Not trying to be pretentious, it's just that I don't beleive there is such a thing as an atheist, only a crusader, and as someone who was brought up that way I still hesitate about putting into words any mention of the absolute. Anyway, this is a digression. Your views are welcome. Thank you.

Loving_Mary

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #314 on: February 14, 2018, 06:13:08 PM »

well maybe the bottom line of everything isn't oxytocine...maybe the bottom line of the majority of your life is you. You determine what you want.

So key question is why did you go hard mode in the first place and if something has changed since then

cheers
Cheers to you too LM :) I was going to reply last night, but ended up composing a defence of myself which I think is somewhat missing the point.

The reasons I want to reboot are the same as they have always been, integrity and the desire to develop healthy sexual relations.

Has anything changed?

Recently I have not been particularly interested in finding a girlfriend. I have been quite happy with myself, or rather, I have viewed the idea of having a girlfriend as complicating my life even more. I am no longer obsessed with a need for sex as I was when I was still a virgin. This has been a gradual process. I lost my virginity five years ago and have only had sex twice in my life. But I have come to realise that relationships are not just a means to a sexual end but a complex interaction of companionship, something that I do need, but that I am not chasing. This was my point about oxytocin, it is the "trust" hormone, the hormone of companionship, if one is used to releasing it solo, then one ends up reinforcing the separation of oneself from other people. This is why I said it seems to me that hard mode remains the best option.

However, there is an extra layer if one is used to releasing it in tandem with searching for P on the internet. One comes to build up a relationship of bonding with the computer seeking comfort from what the computer provides. On top of this, for me at least, searching for P is a much bigger damage to my integrity that merely MOing.

My real aim remains hard mode. However, I have been trying to achieve sustained hard mode for the past almost thirty years, ever since I started, counting days inbetween PMO since about the age of ten or so. For most of those years my record was around twenty days. It was only when I started meditating or praying at around the age of twenty eight  that I managed to start going months at a time. I am now thirty eight. Since joining here a couple of years ago I have had my best successes to date, so that is progress. However the reason I am talking about softmode, is because as I said, for me, P is much worse than just MO, for the simple reason that I would be more ashamed of admitting to searching for P than I would be of admitting to MOing. Is it more or less damaging to ones ability to form relationships. That depends on what one fantasizes about or is exposed to via P when one MOs. The best thing is not to do either and be in a healthy relationship. Perhaps it is even possible to be in a healthy relationship with God rather than another person as some monks and nuns are. I don't even know what that means to be honest. Indeed perhaps it is necessary to first be in a healthy relationship with God before one can be in a healthy relationship with another person, or the two go hand in hand. Perhaps this is the meaning of marriage. I hope atheists do not get caught up on my use of words, as Wittgenstein said, once you've reached the realisation of truth you need to throw away the ladder. Not trying to be pretentious, it's just that I don't beleive there is such a thing as an atheist, only a crusader, and as someone who was brought up that way I still hesitate about putting into words any mention of the absolute. Anyway, this is a digression. Your views are welcome. Thank you.

sounds good to me Georgos, if it works for you.

In my case I'm going softmode for the sole reason that I feel I can't go further.

My main enemy is P. M is a minor thing in comparison to P.

I would like to go hard mode. I really apreciate your explanation on the link between MO and connection. It's just I cannot stop M and I'm amazed someone has been 21 days or even months without MO

Even when I have girlfriend I M. It's such a rooted habit in me I can't stop.

I know it's not good and it's kind of weird, but it is what it is.

I'm happy I'm managing to stop P and I can certify that it's the main issue.

Well Georgos just sending you my best wishes.

Cheers
Peace :)

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #315 on: February 16, 2018, 11:16:31 AM »
Another three days total abstinence. I want to thank you LM for replying and let you know that I don't consider what you've told me weird, indeed I remember being taught in sex education class at school that M is perfectly natural. I agree the main problem is P, so I don't think there is anything wrong with soft mode. However, until recently I never really tried to M without any kind of visual stimulation. When I first tried it I actually found it quite hard. I am so used to trying hard mode that if anything I have found it more difficult to do soft mode. Given that it is P that I want out of my life first and foremost, I am still wondering how I can make sure that instead of complete failure at the end of hard mode, it simply changes to soft mode for a bit, before trying hard mode again. In other words, P doesn't get a look in. It is with this in mind that I wonder whether I need to practice M without P or schedule it in after a certain amount of abstinence. However, because as I said, I have found MO on its own harder than PMO, I am scared that if I do return to MO now, it will be a slippery slope back to where I started. I still don't know what I am going to do. As I said, another three days total abstinence. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #316 on: February 17, 2018, 10:09:25 AM »
Ok, so I MOd today. I'm a little disappointed in myself given that I was aiming for at least a month's hard mode which is the minimum I consider a relative success. However, fifteen days, half a month, is ok, and the main thing is that this time at least I didn't return to PMO. The aim remains the same, no more P, ever! I am resetting my counter though. It is too early to tell when I will next MO. As I said, a month hard mode is the minimum I consider a relative success, but given that I initially was thinking that I'd have to make sure I MOd once every five days, I think somewhere in between is likely at the moment. The important thing is to get through the next few days clean.

I have been wanting to talk a bit about God here, because all my friends are atheists and I considered myself one for most of my life, whereas it seems there are a lot of believers on this forum, and some different perspective might be useful.

The first problem I have is which bits of advice to take. "Religion is advice", I was told by a great Muslim Sufi master. I tend to read bits and pieces from various religions and pick and choose what seems sound to me. This leads to my main confusion, how do I know when I am in contact with God and not some intermediary? I reject anything that seems to want to force me to do something. If I can sense an element of coercion then I attribute it to some, possibly great power, but not to God. Thus I do what I like. But how then am I obeying God and how can I be saved? With my psychosis I have experienced terrible things, and at some level I have been scared, terrified even, but always my higher self has ridden it out just observing, though things have not always gone the way that I have wanted. What does God want from me? What is my purpose? What should I be doing? Recently I have been observing a power so great that I know I can't compete. But this has led me to think that it is pointless to try and do anything to control my world. The world is not in my control. Where does my world stop. My body? My brain? My cells? Am I even them or am I the observer watching the reactions of my body? Or is the observer God, and everything else His creation? Am I God? If so is the world ultimately under my control? Where does this desire for control come from anyway? And back to the problem that preoccupies me, if I cannot control things then what is the point of doing anything? I guess the idea is to please God. But how do I know what pleases Him? Is it that which pleases me? Is God pleased when I am pleased? Doesn't this just take me back to thinking that I can do whatever I want? But again, what about control? Is all control an illusion? Do we have any ability to make our intentions manifest in the world? If you've read this far you will see that these questions are connected to the issue of addiction. They are perhaps the root spiritual questions that underlie our addictive behaviour. Thoughts from anyone, believers or not, are welcome, though please don't get hung up about anything I have said. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #317 on: February 18, 2018, 02:59:06 PM »
So today I am completely clean again. I want to do at least five days hard mode, better ten. Obviously it would be best to do more than my last round of fifteen, if I can do a month then all the better. I'm kind of sorry I brought up God whilst at the same time a little disappointed nobody tried to answer or comment on my questions. Today was socially quite busy until mid-afternoon, so I had little time to contemplate my place in the world. Now I'm back to the nothingness. I'm not depressed, just spaced with the thought that I have nothing to offer of any worth to a power that can do anything. I don't really want to post this. I don't want to talk about God. But it is something that I am contemplating as I try to find purpose beyond simply abstaining from P. Thank you.

FlyPhoenix

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #318 on: February 19, 2018, 02:00:54 AM »
Hey man,

I think it's great you are asking about God. I don't know what you are experiencing, but it seems that something is drawing you to seek out God. I think the term a lot of people in recovery use is: "Higher Power", but some people call this power by different names, as we come from different religious backgrounds.

I found this chapter is the AA Big Book quite useful when coming to terms with a Higher Power: https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt4.pdf

Basically, I came to realise that the primary reasons people have for rejecting the idea of a Higher Power are:
1. Pride and Self-sifficiency - I need to be in control and understand everything (and not look foolish to people who might test my belief)
2.  "Sin" - We are so tied to certain behaviours that the world says are okay, but we know God is not okay with. In my faith we call this God speaking to us through the conscience (inner spirit) which we all have. For instance, we know instinctively which films, music etc.. is displeasing to God for us to consume (ironically, this is often the same stuff that leads us to stumble) I had a talk with my son yesterday about the media he consumes, as well as the ideas he consumes and made a rule that anything linked to death (zombies, vampires, demons, skeletons riding spiders [lol] etc..) is off limits as we are striving to clean up our lives.

But if we look at the question from a different perspective, what is it that we have to lose by believing in God? Well, there are two possible scenarios:

1. There is no God
- If we believe, at the worst we are just idiots who went about life with strange notion about life and existence. We die and return to dust. If, during life, we adhere to some of the principles of daily living, we would live according to those and move in the direction that they lead on a practical level, depending on what those principles are and what people we encounter in fellowship of that particular religion.
- If we don't believe, we die and return to dust as above. We live our lives according to whatever concepts we understand and are comfortable living with, often based on the popular culture of the day in order not to be seen as a bigot or backwards.

2. God is real
If we believe, we will search for in the world and in our hearts. We will seek God's help daily and offer our lives to God's way. We will try to understand what God's will for us and that will free us from our old thinking, leading us to a new way of life, each day. This is what the recovery literature refers to when it speaks of surrender.
- If do not believe, we are at risk of living outside of God's purpose for our lives, opening ourselves up to spiritual and physical destruction. We will follow our own thoughts of what life should be, ignoring what God wants for us.

From an eternity perspective, this is a huge risk, much bigger than not believing.

Now, we might be worried that we will be taken advantage of and led astray. But I always say that if you want measure the length of a piece of paper I use a ruler, and the weight of a cup, I use a scale, but to measure spiritual questions, I must use my soul and as myself, is God real?

The answer for me is "Yes". I may not know what God looks like, or how he operates. All I know is that He exists and I am not Him. I may be a part of God, but I am a servant to God's purposes.

Keep exploring man, no one person's understanding is perfect, hence we continue to grow in fellowship with each other, discuss our scriptures, pray, fast, meditate and reach out to God in as many ways as possible. It's only through God's strength that we gain true victory in our lives.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #319 on: February 19, 2018, 02:24:11 PM »
Hi Fly, Saint Augustine of Hippo said of mathematicians: “The good Christian should beware of mathematicians. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.”

Forgive me for answering as a mathematician, I am very grateful for you taking time to reply. I shall say as I have always understood it. The absolute is beyond our comprehension, that is God. When I contemplate God I have no care, for what am I but a servant. But when I think of higher powers, there is an infinite hierarchy and the degree to which I serve them or not is subject to observation by ourselves to varying degrees depending on how much one expands ones awareness to observe, and observation by them to varying degrees depending on how much they focus on us. All are servants of God, but God is beyond all comprehension. I'll try and explain it another way. Ants make simple decisions with their relatively tiny brains about what to do, yet they give rise to a collective consciousness that is capable of solving and carrying out much greater tasks. Similarly, our cells make very simple decisions in their behaviour, lacking even what we would recognise as "brains", yet their sum total exceeds the sum of the parts to make up ourselves. There is a jump between the consciousness of the cells and the consciousness of the person, so that the person truly is a higher power. Scientists call such phenomena "emergence". Now if for some reason a cell or ant starts acting out of place, stops serving the whole, and starts serving itself for instance, then the consequences can be catastrophic, cancer for instance, or at the very least dysfunction of the body, or ant colony. This could prompt the higher power to take action to curb or eliminate the behaviour of the component that has stopped serving. This is why some people argue, to live a good life we should always aim to serve the highest power we know.

Yet the highest power is God, and we are always serving God, God has a purpose for us, and we cannot help but fulfill it, whether we are devils or angels, humans or aliens, cells or ants. We cannot comprehend this purpose, just as we cannot comprehend God. Ultimately nothing we do goes against this purpose, all are saved, which I believe is the promise of Jesus Christ.

However, we may take different paths to salvation, and we may through our actions, experience hardship that had we taken different paths we would not have experienced.

Now hierarchies are an illusion, the cell that becomes cancerous, though increasing its replication in the short term, looses as much as the body when the body dies. When to stand up, when to sit down, when to serve and submit and when to take the initiative are all things that the individual components of life cannot comprehend perfectly, only try to perfect or accept the consequences without complaint.

What has been bothering me is that I have been observing a power so great, a power that can really redesign and shape my reality to such an extent, that I have felt worthless and unable to offer anything of any significance towards it, whilst at the same time questioning its intentions towards me, whether it loves me or not. Of course God loves all things, and whilst this power has focused me on God, it has made me doubt myself and I am left looking for a purpose.

Today is day two and I am completely clean again. I am not counting the days I am living without PMO, that is over. So it is two days since I last MOd. Thank you.

FlyPhoenix

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #320 on: February 20, 2018, 05:04:02 AM »
Very powerful observations indeed. I think the notion of relativity and hierarchy is a very human construct. In order to function without losing our minds, we have learned to divide reality into time, and space, hence future, past, big and small. However, I believe that to God the concept of big and small, past and future have a very different context. To God, everything is one, and everything is happening in the present moment. Then again, that is my own very limited human understanding, which is okay. Our search for God is a small yet very real projection of God's power. To God, the infinitely small is equally as important as the infinitely large. A single mundane moment holds just as much of the life force of thee universe as a billion years. In my faith, God is Love and Relationship. God's purpose that brings so much richness into our lives is for us to be in healthy relationship with Him, with ourselves and with others - now, not later. It doesn't matter if I give my child a million dollars later. Much more important is that I offer my time and my love to her now, today.

So, I'd like to encourage you. God does not hold one thing more important than another. Your life is no less significant to God than that of Christ or Buddha or anyone we as humans may see as being more valuable. God only seeks to know us and send His power  through us so his purposes can be manifest in the world, God offers us guidance because of His love for us and wishes for us to open ourselves to it. When we do our own thing in spite of this guidance, we move slightly further from God. All God wants is to be close to us, because God loves us. In a very real way, God loves you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #321 on: February 21, 2018, 01:43:11 PM »
Another two days completely clean. Thank you Fly for your comments. Still worried that I do next to no practical things in my life, nor am I taking any steps to move away from dependency owing to suffering from schizophrenia. However I am worrying less about my self-worth today, which always seems to be my default position when I contemplate a change of lifestyle. Serving my ego is easy, true service is harder. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #322 on: February 23, 2018, 03:12:41 PM »
Another two days completely clean taking me past six days since I last MOd. I've found myself thinking ahead to fifteen days when I could potentially MO again which is not the right attitude. For one thing, I have found that the best results come about when one doesn't think ahead instead taking it day by day. I want to go as long as possible without MO, but equally I want to make sure that I don't return to PMO. I keep trying to calculate the correct balance rather than regulate it naturally, but I do have to calculate to some extent otherwise I would be MOing all the time :( Six days is past the minimum five days. Still not taking any steps to leave my dependent lifestyle. Onwards. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #323 on: February 24, 2018, 12:42:36 PM »
So this may sound as crazy but there are a lot of Christians on this website and I want to confess what in the Orthodox religion is called my logismoi. I have thought for some time that the reason I counted days my whole life was because I was a member of CND. I was basically trying to keep the peace. I had many ideas, like creating a fulcrum between Cuba and the Cyprus, and low and behold it worked. But now things have gone too far. I need to stop. I have two nodules or thyroid cysts and they won't go away. I managed to stay off returning to my fulcrum politics and I stayed sane, but I soon got bored, well I lasted a few months, and now I have started reading the news from the two countries I mentioned again. I know it is bad for me. But I need a purpose in life and both countries have significance in my life almost. In fact I have Brazil in my family not Cuba, which is terrible because I am only a little boy :( I will endeavour to grow up lawfully. Thank you.

FlyPhoenix

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #324 on: February 25, 2018, 08:13:56 AM »
Hey man, nothing wrong with learning about history, religion etc.. But at the end of the day we have to give our hearts to God, if we are believers. The goings on of religious organisations and countries should be left out of spiritual meditations as it is only God who can heal our souls and bring revelation about our lives. Praying for you to be guided and protected on this journey.