Author Topic: NoFap Consciousness  (Read 37388 times)

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #250 on: October 02, 2017, 01:20:51 PM »
Yes I do. There were a combination of factors which I don't feel comfortable going into here at the moment, though I probably should as I do think it might help to strategize around them for the future. I have proved many times that I can go long spells without PMO. Twice I've done around five months, and I regularly go one or two months at a time. This is not to say that I can do it at will. It can be quite hard to get back into my stride. This is where I think you're right that analysing triggers might help. The progress I've made so far has largely been down to meditation/prayer if that's not too loaded a word. I think, because I have often succeeded at just putting PMO out of my mind, I've not thought it necessary to focus on triggers. Writing about them would be a bit traumatic for me, but I have a private diary, so maybe I will start writing about them there, that is after all the first step that got me to be able to write here in the first place. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #251 on: October 04, 2017, 11:41:05 AM »
So I PMOd today. End of. The trigger was boredom and nihilism. I think there are two sets of triggers in my life. Ones that bring on chemical urges leading to relapse and ones that make me suggestable to relapse. In this case it was the latter. Nihilism is a relatively common  trigger for me. Why I get nihilistic is the real issue that needs to be addressed. I am not nihilistic all the time. Far from it. I get nihilistic when I take a look at how I spend my time and realise that it is not healthy for me. I then try to think of what I could be doing and find everything worthless. At that point I am likely to relapse. How do I spend my time? How could I be spending my time? These are questions that I will try to answer a bit more in future posts.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #252 on: October 04, 2017, 01:45:47 PM »
I want to update twice today. Since writing here I've become much more relaxed about my PMO usage. Indeed this last month that I abstained between the end of August and September, I didn't even count the days, which is kind of a first for me. Maybe relaxed isn't the right word, but less neurotic, definitely. I think this is good. But I need to remind myself why I want to stop. Unlike many on here I never suffered from PIED, although the only two times I've had sex I didn't ejaculate, and that apparently is likely due to PMO. At any rate the reason I want to stop is because I believe it has corrupted my views on sex and my wiring regarding sexual experiences. This is not to mention the fact that I am against the exploitation of women and all the pain and suffering that I've heard happens in the porn industry. When it was just comics, this wasn't such a concern, comics only exploit the viewer, but I can't pretend that I don't look at live action porn anymore, even if it is only the preliminary stages (I generally switch off before it gets to the hardcore scenes). The fact is it is the whole way of relating sexually that I've trained myself to with my PMO addiction that I want to change. I've only ever had sex twice in my life, and that is because I'm so mentally messed up. Stopping PMO would go a long way towards resolving this, and every time I've stopped for long periods in the past I've certainly felt much better sexually. Having said that, becoming less neurotic about my PMO usage is definitely positive as well. Everyone is different and for some people PMO is a non-issue, and they lead perfectly fulfilling sex lives despite using, at least I'm pretty sure that's the case. So the real issue is me and how I relate to the world. Writing that sounds very self-centred, and perhaps that, i.e. narcissism , is a big problem too. Those who have read my previous posts know that I suffer from schizophrenic relapses pretty regularly and that I put my development of this down to my past PMO usage as well. So a lot to deal with. The one thing I really want to emphasise for myself is that life without PMO is a hundred percent better than life with it, and that is my number one reason for stopping. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #253 on: October 05, 2017, 11:41:40 AM »
Ok, this is difficult. My life is ok. All I really do is surf the internet and go out for several coffees a day at my local café. It is not a hard life, except that I have regular psychotic episodes in which I believe all sorts of crazy stuff and live in altered states and realities. I have nothing to complain about really. Intellectually there are several things I think would be a good idea to do. But energetically, or perhaps emotionally, I can rarely bring myself to do them. I think it would be good if I did do them. But I don't have the energetic motivation. Every now and then I start doing some of these things. I last a few weeks to a month or so and then cave. What is the remedy. Are these just flights of fancy brought on by basically doing nothing. Or are they real things that could change my life for the better. If the latter is the case, how do I find the motivation. Perhaps the fact that I am not motivated emotionally or energetically is an indication that these activities are not for me after all. Basically I just feel guilty about wasting my time. I don't know what to do.

RealityCheck

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #254 on: October 05, 2017, 12:43:32 PM »
Georgos,

Your last post is very vague.  What do you want out of our life?  What excites you?  What are your goals?  What are your passions?  Envision these with detail, then you can take the positive energy from that excitement to move forward.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #255 on: October 06, 2017, 01:44:59 PM »
There are no easy answers to these questions. I have always been very sensitive and tried to see the good in everyone. I have also tried to give everyone what they want. This has shaped my politics which I spend an inordinate amount of time pursuing on the internet. Now is this a good thing? What do I actually contribute. My life is very easy save from the psychotic episodes. What happens when I experience psychosis is that I experience a coming war. Now is war actually coming? Unless something is done about global warming, then probably yes. The tensions I feel are the build up to this, but are far removed from the actual reality of climate change and much more to do with history. So I keep asking myself what can I do to be on the right side of history? How will I survive in the future? Yet the point is that I don't even look after myself in the present, wasting time and energy on nothing or being a cyberwarrior. That will count for nothing if and when the time comes. Is this all a delusion? Am I making myself paranoid by thinking about these things too much? That is one of my conclusions. I should try to work. I have worked before, even with my psychosis, until my doctor said it was getting too much and I should really stop. It is true that when I was working I had to take numerous breaks because of my mental health. But at least I was a worker. The fact is, I enjoy my life, bar the psychosis, and in fact in a perverse way feed off the psychosis to stimulate my naval gazing. I don't have any control over when it happens, and I can't function when I am experiencing it in anyway that allows for reasonable human interaction or action, but it does lead me to all sorts of ideas about the world that I find interesting. It is a real illness, but that does not mean that some of what I am sensing in an exaggerated way has no basis in reality. So the question is what do I do? I can keep feeding my paranoias by engaging in cyberwarfare, or I can step away from that, however I doubt that either approach will stop me having psychotic relapses. And I doubt that either approach will save me from the coming challenges of the world. I know all this sounds mad, I am just writing what comes to me, tomorrow I may have a different opinion. Thank you.

RealityCheck

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #256 on: October 06, 2017, 04:14:17 PM »
It sounds like you are very overwhelmed in your mind.

Let's simplify things.

Do you want a healthy romantic relationship?

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #257 on: October 07, 2017, 06:25:01 AM »
I appreciate your replies Reality. In fact I am in a relationship and I am happy. Perhaps this isn't the place to deal with my psychosis and turn my life around. I think I have said before that in the past, every time I PMOd, I'd get a burst of motivation to improve myself and my life. It would never last though. I think there is something about this that is important. I don't want to talk about my relationship, I want to talk about my life. How to get motivation without PMO. To what extent I've damaged my reward system for motivation by years of PMO. etc. Having a sexual relationship is only one part of life. There are deeper aspects like looking after oneself, possibly starting a family, etc. To achieve these I have to deal with my psychosis which I strongly believe was caused by my unhealthy relationship with PMO. But what caused my unhealthy relationship with PMO. That I believe was identity politics which I was sensitive to though not fully aware of as a child. I searched for P again today and edged. It has left me feeling ashamed and dirty again. My biggest issue with PMO is the psychology. Once again I need to remind myself that putting distance between me and PMO allows my psychological state to improve. Thank you.

RealityCheck

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #258 on: October 07, 2017, 11:06:49 AM »
It's fantastic that you are in a healthy relationship.  Can you share your PMO issues with your partner?

If not, that's ok.  I'd like to offer you a few words of encouragement.

First of all, MOST guys PMO.  I think your life will become easier when you first stop beating yourself up for resorting to PMO.  That stuff is specifically designed to attract you and hook you.  I wouldn't view it as there is something wrong with you if you PMO, I view it as it makes you a remarkable man to recognize it's not good for you, and to work to get off of it despite of its draw.

Also, to simplify things again: without getting too personal, do you have enough money to be comfortable?  That can be an easy motivator.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #259 on: October 07, 2017, 11:43:20 AM »
Hi Reality. My relationship is in the early stages, although we used to go out before some years ago and had sex. With regards to most guys using PMO, I'm not sure, I know P is the number one search on the internet, and most guys M, but whether most guys PMO I don't know. At any rate, why do I beat myself up about it if it is so common? I think it has to do with how I feel about myself in relation to others. There are two aspects that come to my mind. The first is always wanting to give people what they want and not knowing what to give girls. The second is feeling rejected. Both of these feelings are exacerbated by my PMO use and lead to me feeling bad about myself. Let me rephrase my last post: identity politics didn't lead me to PMO, it lead me to having a bad relationship with PMO, which is why I want to stop. I need to heal, and stopping allows me to heal. It is only since I have stopped for significant periods of time that I have even been able to get into a relationship. Talking about it has also helped. My girlfriend and I did talk a little about it last time we were going out. I've tried to avoid the subject so far this time, mostly because I've been kidding myself that I'm over it, having recently gone a month without, though clearly, judging by the last week or so I'm not. Perhaps I will talk to her about it again. I didn't phone her today because I felt bad after searching and edging to P. I'll think about it. Thank you.

RealityCheck

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #260 on: October 07, 2017, 12:16:57 PM »
I understand, Georgos.  And I respect your intention on improving yourself.  You can beat this addiction.  Just take one day at a time, and let time work to your advantage.  You can do it!

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #261 on: October 10, 2017, 04:55:26 AM »
So the focus of this site is rebooting from PMO addiction. I have said in the past that the reboot should be holistic and all encompassing. To some extent this is true. The addiction takes place within a particular equilibrium. Cutting it out changes that equilibrium and without adapting a new equilibrium might not be found, thus a return to the addiction. However, making all sorts of changes for the better in ones life may or may not have anything to do with finding an equilibrium in which PMO is absent. So I am debating with myself about returning to posting things about other changes that I want to make in my life, given that that is not the focus of this site. I have said before that every time I PMO I get an urge to improve my life afterwards. Finding a way to improve my life without PMO is my main goal. Whether it is helpful to address the other changes I wish to make to my life here or not I don't know. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #262 on: October 12, 2017, 02:56:01 PM »
So I'm trying to reflect. I can go several months without PMO, twice since joining this site I've done more than three months, doing just over 140 days on my last long streak. It's true I have yet to do a year or even six months which is still my aim, but I am generally feeling much better in relation to my addiction. Partly that is just as a result of sharing and speaking about it, something that was so taboo for me for so long. I still haven't had sex in about five years, but since joining this site I have been in a few Platonic relationships which have been nice, so that is progress. Schizophrenia has remained a problem for me with several major relapses, though not bad enough to go into hospital. I have still been smoking far too much, and I have still not really managed to start or settle into a regular routine of study and exercise, let alone teaching which is what I really want to do. To come back to the focus of this site, I shall set my first target to get to the end of the year without PMO which is about two and two thirds months. I'm so happy that I'm not counting days any more, something that I have been doing since childhood. However, my first target remains clear, even without counting, to get to January 1st 2018. Thank you.

RealityCheck

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #263 on: October 12, 2017, 02:59:16 PM »
Georgos,

The aim of this forum is to eliminate the addiction to PMO.  If you feel that you must address other areas of your life in order fight the addiction, then by all means you should post.  Not only is this a supportive group, but you will always remain completely anonymous, so you have nothing to fear.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #264 on: October 13, 2017, 03:38:07 AM »
Thanks Reality. The most fundamental problem that I face is my schizophrenia. That was caused in no short way by my relationship with PMO use, though other things facilitated it coming to the surface. Every time I come out of a psychotic relapse, I am faced with the question of "what is reality?". No one can answer this in full. However, the fact that my subjective reality is so variable, demands that I take action to manage it. It has been simply impossible to hold down a job for any length of time given such variability in my perception. Why is my subjective reality so variable? Why does it seem to me that objective reality varies as well? Is there even such a thing as objective reality? My conclusion to the last question is that objective reality is an absolute and as such can never be fully perceived. Instead we perceive degrees of overlap between our subjective realities. The question as to why these change so radically for me from one month to the next I still don't have an answer to. Nor do I know how to manage it on my own without the assistance of carers. More worryingly, it seems that only my parents can provide the care I need, with NHS staff tending to make it worse, and, as they are getting on in life, and will not be with me forever, this provides ample reason to fear for the future. I really need to address these issues now before it is too late. However I still can't get beyond the first question of "what is reality?". One of the questions that I have begun asking myself is about what ideas and influences I feed myself with. PMO has obviously been one of these that has had the most devastating affect. But politics as well, more and more, seems to me to be a prime culprit. However, I have a fear about ignoring politics. I fear that if I don't focus on it, I won't be prepared if radical change comes. Most of my psychotic relapses are literally the coming of such radical change, though it is never sustained. However I fear that one day it will come for good. From the outside it seems obvious that my consumption of radical politics causes my paranoid psychotic relapses, however, time and time again their reality is confirmed by other people I meet in the street and elsewhere. During the times of relapse, it genuinely seems as if a revolution, or some such other radical change in society, is taking place, and though I know that some of my interpretations of these realities are erroneous, many others are backed up by what is happening around me and conversations I have with strangers and the like. How can reality fluctuate so much in such a seemingly objective manner? How should I deal with it? Can I stop the fluctuations without abandoning my political morals and instincts? Or, perhaps, do I need to abandon the political ideas that I grew up with and still pay attention to? If so, what do I substitute them with? How do I avoid jumping from one extreme to the other? Or alternatively, how can I find meaning in life in the absence of political ideals? As I have said, one key thing I could do is to stop feeding myself with political discourse, this is one thing my therapists suggested before he became ill, however my fear of being caught off guard is quite strong. I will talk more about this later. Thank you.

RealityCheck

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #265 on: October 13, 2017, 08:30:46 AM »
Georgos,

Thank you for sharing.  It sounds like a trained professional could be of use to you.  I know there are many out there, and they are not all equal, I would think it to be important to find one you can bond with and trust.

I am certainly not an expert.  With that being said, seeing as "Reality Check" just so happens to be my screen name, I'd like to share my opinion on that matter.

I would define objective reality as the actions that directly affect you in the outside world.  What other people say to you, and the actions they take towards you is objective reality - your perception does not play as large of a role if a girl kisses you, a man punches you, or a parent hugs you. With regards to your perception of politics, I'd encourage you to try to eliminate worry from your life.  Worrying is unproductive.  If action is required to change the status quo, then take the action, the worry is unnecessary.  It is an emotion that if based on something that will never happen, is completely wasted energy.  If you are worrying about something that will end up happening, you will have to take action on that event in the future anyway, worrying now just gives you more time to feel poorly about it and is STILL a waste of energy. 

It sounds like staying PRESENT will be of great benefit to you.  I know what it's like to be caught in your own mind, reliving the past or playing out future scenarios that haven't and in most cases will never occur.  I highly recommend meditation, as it makes your ability to clear your thoughts stronger, leading to more focus, and more interaction with the world as it is objectively interacting with you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #266 on: October 14, 2017, 12:09:56 PM »
So I've done about a week so far with no outright PMO although I have searched and edged to P a couple of times. Mornings seem to be a real trigger time at the moment, largely because I have no real plans for any of my days. I will make sure this next week will be completely free from P altogether and my target still remains to get to the end of the year without PMO. I want to thank you Reality for your insightful post and I will reply to it probably in my next one. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #267 on: October 25, 2017, 03:52:49 AM »
So ten days down the line from my last post I relapsed. The trigger was unusual for me in that I stumbled across a picture that aroused me unintentionally in a place where such images are rarely found, indeed I have never seen a trigger inducing image there before. It wasn't even remotely pornographic, just the expression on the woman's face. However that led me to searching and ultimately PMO. Even whilst I was doing it, I found the PMO experience unsatisfying besides shameful. One of the things that I have wondered for a while is whether it is useful to talk rationally and objectively about the type of P I often, though not exclusively, have looked at. I don't know if that breaks the forum rules or not. One thing I will say is that, just as in Orwell's 1984, P is used as a form of control of the masses by the system, this influences my choice of P as I struggle to free myself from bondage. Anyway, ten days is not nearly enough. Onward. Thank you.

RealityCheck

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #268 on: October 26, 2017, 09:08:43 AM »
Georgos,

I'm sorry to hear about your relapse.  It sounds like you will be more prepared next time, as you were surprised by the nature and source of the image that aroused you.  Now you know to keep your guard up at all times!

You mentioned in your previous post that in the mornings, you have nothing planned for your day.  As men, our testosterone is at it's peak in the mornings.  I highly recommend putting some structure in place the night before for your mornings, so when you wake up you can engage yourself which is spectacular defense to beating PMO.

FlyPhoenix

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #269 on: October 30, 2017, 12:53:25 AM »
Hey Georgos,

Sorry to hear about the relapse, hope your recovery today is a bit better. One thing that people always, without fail, say to me every time I would relapse was: "What did you learn?" or "What was missing in your recovery?"

A friend encouraged me by saying that we only fail when we stop trying to do recovery, and that a relapse is only a failure if we learn nothing from it.

The point is to always reflect on what went wrong, speak to others in recovery and see what can be added to your programme of recovery. I am also in early recovery, with only a few weeks since I acted out, so we are basically in the same boat. I still wrestle with social media, but I'm grateful that this area is also being eliminated from my life.

I wish you all the best in your recovery man. Be kind to yourself, practise self-care, self-love and daily maintenance. Progress, not perfection.

Regards,

Flame Birdie ;)
Last PMO - 04 Nov 2018 (23h45)

FlyPhoenix Journal

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #270 on: November 01, 2017, 02:58:37 PM »
So I have been having mild schizophrenic relapsing this last two days. It won't get any worse if I can help it. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #271 on: November 05, 2017, 04:07:15 AM »
So it's been over three weeks now since I PMOd, my schizophrenic relapse is abating, but the world seems to have changed and I am uncertain in it. Also, I haven't heard from my girlfriend in about a week and I'm a bit worried. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #272 on: November 08, 2017, 04:04:49 AM »
Helped some builders lifting tiles yesterday and realised just how physically weak I am. I noticed this the first time I had sex. My T'ai Ji is good and I was able to smooth out the pulled muscles in my arm pretty quickly but that doesn't negate the fact that I simply cannot lift weights. Getting a job as a builder has become more appealing. I'll have to make some contacts. I think my relationship with my ex is over as she got scared with me linking her up. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #273 on: November 11, 2017, 11:46:57 AM »
So it's coming up to a month now and I had my first real urge to return to PMO just now. The storms of the past few days seem to have subsided. This is one of the times I am most vulnerable to PMO relapse as I look at my life and find it wanting. For all the knowledge I have, I keep feeling after psychotic relapses that I am useless. In the past PMO took me away from that feeling and gave me something to focus on, namely my addiction. However I really want to move forward this time. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #274 on: November 13, 2017, 05:15:09 AM »
Went on a date at the weekend. We had dinner and she wanted to come back to my flat, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to agree. I even for a moment thought of saying "I'm gay", which I know I'm not, although when I had that thought I almost believed it. Perhaps the real reason is that I only have a mattress on the floor in my flat and I knew I wouldn't be comfortable. I did walk her home though and we held hands which felt kind of natural. Maybe I just don't want to have sex with her. I don't know. Anyway, spending time in my flat is still a problem. I only really sleep there, coming back to my parents in the day. I have a new maths student coming up, so that is good. Realistically, getting some part time physical work that takes my condition into consideration will be hard, though I plan to see if I can get my key-worker to help me with that. Things are going well. Thank you.