Author Topic: Let's start the fight after 23 years of addicition  (Read 67 times)

Dj Rascasse

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Let's start the fight after 23 years of addicition
« on: September 13, 2018, 11:17:19 AM »
Hi all,

I guess my story is similar to a lot of what other people have written here, but it feels good to write it.

I am 36 years old, father of two wonderful kids below ten years old, and husband to my wife that I met 15 years ago while student. We have had and still have a family life that is often brought as example to others: our couple is never quarrelling and our kids are angels. I have been a successful neuroscience researcher for the past 12 years. I am also a very sporty person, lately finding a lot of happiness in ultra-trail running (long distance running in mountains).
So in one sentence: no problem, or at least no apparent problem.

Because for 23 years, I have been addicted to internet porn. All started when I found my dad's magazines, and then very fast discovered online porn when I started building static HMTL website in the mid-90s. It was the time when you had to wait for the image to load line by line  :D. Then came, student life, Kazaa, uTorrent and all the rest you all have in mind.

The addiction didn't disappear when I met the love of my life, neither it faded when I got kids. No amplification either, just the need to connect to porn sites as soon as I had some time on my own with kids/wife around. Three / four times a week, in addition to a normal sex life. As this dependency was not accompanied by any erectile dysfunction, nothing to worry I said to myself. There was no evolution to more dirty porn, but to more voyeurism both online and in real life.

In a sense, this situation could have stayed like this. But I suspect the incapacity to share this addiction with anybody is provoking physical trauma, specially ulcers and stomach issues. In addition, I do love my wife and kids so much that I want to anticipate a possible side effect of this addiction on our family. I have managed to hide it until now.

Now I am just taking the step forward and I am, as we say in French (and maybe in English), ready to take the bull by the horn. I visited my GP on the 11 Sept, and at the end of a discussion about another subject, I asked him if he had any recommendation for a psychologist. I explained what it was about and he directed me to a centre for addicted person close to our place. And then, going out from the GP, it just clicked: he is the first person that I shared this with, now you have no choice but to stop. How could you look at him (and more importantly look at me) and justify that you have tried nothing?

One thing I have learned from ultra-trail running is this : you and your body are capable of much more than what your brain tries to tell you. When you have been running for 8h in mountains, the brain naturally asks you to stop and rest. But I don't do it, I continue. I fight. I push the limit. And I finish the bloody race. SO if I manage in trail running, why not trying against my addiction?
This is going to be a long fight, I know it, I feel it. I know my temper. But I am ready, now.

This journal is going to the only place where I will share this transition. I hope to have a cyber party here when I will consider myself cured.

Si

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Re: Let's start the fight after 23 years of addicition
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2018, 02:13:08 AM »
Wow. A 23 year addiction but no PIED. That's impressive. Ironic that you work in neuroscience too :). Uh yea, Kazaa and uTorrent (argh). You're doing the right thing for you and family. Wish you all the best with it.

Dj Rascasse

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Re: Let's start the fight after 23 years of addicition
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2018, 10:57:08 AM »
Thanks Si for your answer.
Indeed, I have been very lucky with having no changes in my capacity to have sexual activity. I think I have the chance to be excited very easily, with no changes (yet) since my adolescence. And more I read this forum, more I think my addiction, even if very present, could be more mild compared to what I could read around here.
Yes ironical indeed. And even more ironical, I have worked actively for a couple of years ago in brain imaging, where my colleague was studying... the effect of porn on the brain using MRI. When he asked around for "healthy" (not addicted) subjects, I had to find all sorts of excuse not to go under the scanner :)

Four days off now. My hidden folder with porn movies (in case internet is down) is deleted as well. Always have to start somewhere.

Dj Rascasse

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Re: Let's start the fight after 23 years of addicition
« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2018, 10:07:28 AM »
Week 1 update

this was not the hardest week. I am prepared for much harder weeks to come. First 3 days were as usual. Started to have some unusual headaches on Sunday (+5), I went for a run but couldn't complete due to quite heavy headache. My stomach is even worse than usual, but I was expecting that. I have always internalised a lot of stress and life situations a bit difficult, and my body decides to fight back by stomach pain and gases. Always been like this, but even more now.
My strategy in this first week was to try to get myself occupied and surrounded by people at all time to avoid any temptations. Mood is rather normal, had one quite unusual moment with a more than usual high tone with my kids. Apologised to them immediately, but they (and I also) were a bit surprised.

As my wife is not aware of the situation, I do want to pay attention to her and her sexual needs. We had sex yesterday, and I did notice that it was slightly slower than usual, which is a good thing. I still have problems to focus during the act on what is here and now, and have tendencies to extrapolate to what I have seen on the screen. A lot of work ahead on this one.

I have a very important running race in four weeks, training is terrible because of the rebooting. But you have to set priorities in life, I have set mine for the next year.

Reformed Fapper

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Re: Let's start the fight after 23 years of addicition
« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2018, 08:33:00 PM »
23 years of porn use and no PIED?! Sweet zombie Jesus, Batman!
Your reboot may come along very nicely then since it doesnt seem to have manifested in any sexual dysfunction. Also you have the best motivation to stamp out porn from your life: family! Im sure theyll see an imporvement as well as you progress in your reboot.
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!