Author Topic: My Journal (Arkray)  (Read 6525 times)

arkray

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Re: My Journal (Arkray)
« Reply #25 on: January 21, 2017, 01:03:10 AM »
Ok, I've relapsed twice the last 2 weeks, and as much as I try to keep myself accountable, it was quite a struggle to own up to myself.

I blame myself for not keeping up with my journaling even though I kept saying I should.
The year so far (only 3 weeks! :o) has been both good and bad.

The good is that I have actually managed to maintain an erection and achieve orgasm through regular sex, once. It was weird because I felt I had to concentrate quite a bit the entire time. It was a conscious process. But it's a start to visible recovery.

The bad is obviously that I had relapsed. The first one was that I basically MO'ed, no P. My gf was out of town, and still is. I guess part of me just felt really frustrated and I somehow decided that knocking one out would put me at ease.
The second relapse was last night when I just started browsing the adult section of a d*viantart-clone. I didn't M or edge or anything, but I was clicking through it and then thinking to myself, what am I doing?, and then left. But I think it was a gradual build up. Since the 1st relapse I could feel the urge just kind of creeping up, and I would find myself pushing the envelope on the things I was viewing online. Like I might watch a TV show or movie, and then think that a certain actress looked kind of cute and decide to look up who she is. etc. etc.

Anyway, I realised it's snowballing when it's too late, so now I'm back here. I only have myself to blame. I wrote down a bunch of other stuff but then they're all just excuses. I relapsed. It was dumb and avoidable. I'm back on my way now.

Be honest. Ask yourself why.

arkray

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Re: My Journal (Arkray)
« Reply #26 on: January 22, 2017, 05:21:11 AM »
Today I felt my urges again. It's always the urge to M more than for viewing P. I tried to keep myself occupied with some chores. I eventually went out to sit in a cafe and study. That helped.
I also feeling a bit stressed trying to prepare again for a new job hunt after being complacent at my current job for a while. It's so easy just to not give a crap and think what I have now is ok, but it's not.

Be honest. Ask yourself why.

Mikel

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Re: My Journal (Arkray)
« Reply #27 on: January 23, 2017, 02:41:49 AM »
Morning buddy.

Yep, been there with the substitutes and it's definitely a slippery slope which I'm sure you know. It is hard to stay away from everything, especially when the mind is working overdrive trying to find a fix becuase you've taken it's main one away.

Good to hear you've recognised this and you're moving forward.

arkray

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Re: My Journal (Arkray)
« Reply #28 on: February 09, 2017, 04:08:52 AM »
Thanks Mikel. It's always nice to hear a kind response from a fellow rebooter.

Yeah, it's hard not to try to find substitutes. I mean, all of our lives are basically us always trying to satisfy something.
Recently I've started checking out Reddit, which is weird because I've never used it before other than maybe a thread while researching something for work. I regret having done so because it has led me to some nsfw threads. Honestly, I think it's a dangerous place to go. By and large, I'm sure it has a lot of good going on, but it sort of reminds me of a certain 4*han website. Since then I've stopped viewing anything related to Reddit. I also find myself fighting very hard to not let my urges get me. A month ago I felt good and calm without any urges, but I think recent stresses have made my concentration weaker.

Ok, so that aside. I found something I can look for when I'm tempted in front of the computer. I google for pictures of fat cats, because they make me laugh :D And no, I wasn't looking for something else when it happened, I just found it randomly online and found them hilarious. Although it's hard not to find pictures of fat animals funny.

Be honest. Ask yourself why.

Mikel

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Re: My Journal (Arkray)
« Reply #29 on: February 09, 2017, 04:57:34 AM »
Pictures of fat cats is probably the most unique replacement for viewing porn I have ever heard.

Whatever works man.  ;D

arkray

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Re: My Journal (Arkray)
« Reply #30 on: April 30, 2017, 04:42:05 PM »
Ok, wow, it's been forever since I last posted here. I've had my ups and downs since. I think I'm posting now because lately I've been feeling my urges get stronger. I've fallen a number of times already. I don't really have much to say, and I'm probably just here because I feel bad for not keeping up my reboot properly. I feel a lack of motivation lately, but I also feel restless for some reason. Anyway, back to work.

Be honest. Ask yourself why.

arkray

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Re: My Journal (Arkray)
« Reply #31 on: January 15, 2019, 02:25:28 PM »
I have not posted for over a year and half. There's been highs and lows.

Let me start with the good parts:

For the better part of this 1.5 year gap I had managed to keep off PMO. There was definitely a stark difference, both physically and mentally.

The physical difference is obvious, my body is reacting more readily when it needs to. I was able to maintain my erections from start to finish in most occasions. I did notice some delayed ejaculation from time to time. Sensitivity is always going to be an issue after years of PMO.

On the mental front I've learned not to force the issue. If it's not happening, then let it pass. Kicking myself everytime I cannot rise to the occasion just puts me in a negative feedback loop. Not everything is PIED, sometimes I am just tired. Everyone has their off days.
It's also very important not to compensate. There were times when I thought things were going OK until it didn't. I tried to let it go, but the next couple of days I would get urges to "finish" because I almost could have a day ago. That urge can be hard to fight.

I definitely saw the results of rebooting. I didn't go through the full NoFap/Hardmode course, but the improvements were very noticeable.

Now for the lows:

Stress. Stress is a HUGE trigger for me. It's like the guy who desperately needs a cigarette to calm his nerves. When I'm by myself, and I'm stressed out, I always tend towards P. It's insane how strong the craving gets at those times.
I had 2 crashes off the wagon, and both times I could attribute to stresses in life. I'm still learning to mitigate the association of stress with PMO.

I'm currently in a downward trend from my previous success. It's going to happen, I can't be riding high forever. It's not the worse I've been in. I've noticed PIED creeping up. It's amazing how fast this can all come hurtling back as you.

I'm staying positive, because I know what I have to to do. I've done it before, and I know it works.
 :)

Be honest. Ask yourself why.

arkray

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Re: My Journal (Arkray)
« Reply #32 on: January 18, 2019, 06:32:20 PM »
It's been a couple days, things have not been great.
This isn't a big revelation, but I need to get accustomed to being bored sometimes. But my brain just wants to latch on to something, well obviously it's going to try to find something that gives it the greatest stimulation with the least effort. I hate that.
I spend little time on my hobbies these days, and that's not good. I need to find something I'm passionate about. I think "Meh" in too many situations.

Be honest. Ask yourself why.

arkray

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Re: My Journal (Arkray)
« Reply #33 on: January 21, 2019, 07:55:22 PM »
Still fighting. I had the day off today. Just kind of hung out with my roommate and didn't do much. I always feel bad when the day gets a bit darker and I look back thinking that I didn't do much. I just wanted to take my mind off everything; work and responsibilities and such. I want to recharge, and I can't really find what recharges me. Instead I linger around being bored, and then my mind starts to stray. That's when the urge creeps up on me. I want to do better for myself.

Be honest. Ask yourself why.

arkray

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Re: My Journal (Arkray)
« Reply #34 on: July 21, 2019, 10:08:35 PM »
The fact that the forum is telling me this topic hasn't been posted in at least 120 days is sure red flag that I haven't been good about my reboot.

Here goes. Relapse is an understatement. I mean "crash and burn" is harsh, but this sure seems like it. The internet is an ugly beast that can be your best ally (here), and your worst enemy (you know what).
I really expected better of myself by now. Knowing what all this has done to me and how much it is harming me, it's unbelievable that I still let this continue happening to myself. I mean, take for a moment that I'm someone else looking at me. Presented with all the very visible facts and evidence of what P does to me, I would call me an absolute idiot for letting all this continue to happen to me. But I still let it happen. I mean, just WHAT THE HECK?!?

I feel my will power is just not there. I would say "No! No! No!", then "Maybe just a peek..." Well, we all know it's NEVER just a peek.

Anyway, rant over. Sorry. I know all this is nothing new here. I need to get back on the horse. "One day at a time" never felt so true and so frustrating.


Be honest. Ask yourself why.

malando

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Re: My Journal (Arkray)
« Reply #35 on: July 22, 2019, 01:28:17 AM »
Yep, it's the battle of a lifetime! Just don't give up trying to find ways to turn your mind away from porn and onto good life-affirming things. The more I reflect on this battle, the more i'm convinced that the best form of defence is attack - by that I mean go and put together a satisfying and diverse lifestyle so that there is no longer any room for porn in your life. Don't sit in a room with computer and grit your teeth, chanting, "no, don't do it!". That will lead to failure. That would be my advice.

arkray

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Re: My Journal (Arkray)
« Reply #36 on: August 15, 2019, 07:39:44 PM »
Thanks malando. Yeah I need to remind myself that this is a battle that I'm always fighting, and it will take time to build the "muscles" that can adequately fight the battle well.
The last couple of weeks have been better, I have managed to stay off the crap since my last post. Work and life have been busy recently, so I have had time to think about it. My fear is that this is all just a distraction, and once things settle down, this battle will come back to the forefront.

It's true that I need to divert this energy somewhere else. Do something more productive instead of "tugging" the time away.

Sometimes I just want to feel normal. Like when I'm bored or am looking for something to do, I would just do what other people do, such as watch TV, or go for a walk, or have a hobby.

I should be more optimistic, and celebrate the small victories, too. The past 3 weeks is probably the most consistent streak of abstinence I've had in a long time, woot! :D

Be honest. Ask yourself why.

NewStart04

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Re: My Journal (Arkray)
« Reply #37 on: August 16, 2019, 09:42:23 AM »
arkray

Congratulations on the streak. This could be the one that really leads you to where you want to go. And I really hope it does.

I understand your feelings about boredom. I have been unsuccessfully trying to beat this addiction for so long. During this time, I have had a handful of successful streaks of no PMO, and one of them (it was about five years ago) ended at five weeks because I just felt this empty sense of boredom. In my experience, boredom is its own breed of bad because, on the surface, it doesn't feel as dangerous as a full-blown urge or a bout of anxiety, but it numbs and empties you, putting you in a mental state that can be easily exploited by addiction. Maybe your experiences with it are different, but at the very least boredom is something to be wary of. I hope you develop in advance some responses that you can rely on when you are feeling bored.

Sending my goodwill your way. Best of luck!

arkray

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Re: My Journal (Arkray)
« Reply #38 on: January 09, 2020, 02:08:03 PM »
New Year, still same old me, and that's okay  :)
I think I want to read more this year. Get back on my book list. Maybe it will give me something to think about, and perhaps give me some inspiration.
There's a monotony in life that I feel P has created for us. It makes us passive too. And it's not supposed to be that way. I should want to do more.
The word this year is "do". I want to do more. I want to be active about my choices.

A

Be honest. Ask yourself why.

arkray

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Re: My Journal (Arkray)
« Reply #39 on: January 16, 2020, 04:14:06 PM »
I'm trying really hard to keep myself together today. I can barely concentrate at work these couple of days. I end up just staring at my computer screen or find excuses to leave my desk just to pace around when I can.
Things at home have been stressful the last 2 weeks or so, which has led to a bit of tension between me and my wife. Sex has been a nonsubject.
I'm trying not to fall back during this time. Kind of feels like I'm walking on a tightrope.

Be honest. Ask yourself why.