Author Topic: Malando - getting started.  (Read 35832 times)

malando

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #200 on: August 25, 2016, 10:04:23 AM »
Thanks for your kind wishes, everyone. Much appreciated.

Things got very tense in the last few days, my partner stated her desire to move out. With some  long talking, we finally got to a place where that seemed too drastic. It has emerged that she is so unable to deal with conflict that it activates her flight reflex. She's loses all hope and just wants to cut and run. As a result, I suggested that we go to some couples counselling to talk through some issues and to gain some clarity on why we fight, and how to do it more effectively - as well as not making fights into something more than they are. She has agreed to do this - which is a big step forward because she has never been open to it in that past. Things still feel weird and a bit tense. We are not back to normal yet, but there is hope now.

Chip

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #201 on: August 25, 2016, 01:18:51 PM »
Very glad to hear y'all are making progress. 

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #202 on: August 25, 2016, 04:37:41 PM »
Malando,

I suggested that we go to some couples counselling to talk through some issues

Great idea. I wish the best for you.

Peace

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #203 on: August 28, 2016, 01:04:08 AM »

My objection is that people are being raped, abused and degraded to get the footage. I can't stand to be part of that. I'm not telling people to be morally outraged about P, I'm asking them to look into it from the point of view of how it affects real people. If I had a guarantee that the industry was regulated to the extent that there was a sanctioned health professional in attendance to oversee the treatment of performers on set, I could drop this objection and focus purely on how it affects the brain to use it - and how it might affect somebody's relationship if they have one.

But the fact is, it's an abusive industry - you have no way of knowing what somebody went through to get that footage. I think it might help a lot of people to realise this if they want to kick the P habit.

Put it this way, I think anyone who knows the truth or has read my links and still has no objection to P on any level is probably devoid of empathy - which is a big worry. I feel ill at the thought of all the young people who have been caught up in this shit. I'm glad I know the truth. I'm happy to spread the word and if it ruins the fun for a bunch of people in the process, I'm happy. If people need erotica in their lives I'd rather they read an erotic story or something. At least you know nobody got hurt or raped to write that story.

I completely agree with you Malando that the way real lives are damaged in the making of porn is the porn industry's biggest problem. But somehow, this is something that is rarely talked about. I think changing that is the first step to reducing crime and abuse in the porn industry. So thank you for pointing that out.

Personally, I'm addicted to erotica, and I'm trying to give it up. But you make a very good point that I concur with: erotica is morally superior to porn in as much as erotica does not involve real people being subjected to unprotected sex, STDs, rape, abuse or injury in the making of the material.
My last erotica relapse was September 30th. My goal is to go without erotica for 90 consecutive days.

BlueSun

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #204 on: August 28, 2016, 10:42:54 PM »
Malando... despite bumpy roads, youre resolve stands strong.  Thank you for being the strength that you are.

malando

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #205 on: August 29, 2016, 08:58:33 AM »
Malando... despite bumpy roads, youre resolve stands strong.  Thank you for being the strength that you are.
Thanks, my friend. You're too kind.

I've stayed away from P, but still battle to keep stray thoughts from entering my mind. It's a long process gaining control of one's brain - especially one that never had control in the first place. I'm starting to think that this is what being a man is - gaining control over oneself, not being a slave to one's base instincts. Base instincts were useful at a time when humanity had to spend a lot of its time focussing on survival. Now that we are in an era of excess and mechanised farming, we have too much latitude and too many forms of idle entertainment that caters to base instincts. We walk right into it and we become addicted long before we learn that there are consequences to our excesses. In this era, being in control of oneself is harder than it's ever been. It's a challenging time to be a man. The notion of a man keeps changing, it's poorly defined and confusing. But we must strive to be the best men we can be within whatever definition we settle on.

Branch

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #206 on: August 29, 2016, 12:21:50 PM »
Great to see your progress!

Chip

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #207 on: August 29, 2016, 02:11:05 PM »
You sir, Have hit the nail on the head!  Kudo's to you.

Branch

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #208 on: August 29, 2016, 04:27:49 PM »
You sir, Have hit the nail on the head!  Kudo's to you.

Agreed.  That's some REAL insight.

malando

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #209 on: September 02, 2016, 10:16:22 AM »
52 days clean now. P feels more and more distant in my life. Not posting much anymore - feels like I've been left behind by a few of my buddies. Makes me a bit sad when you write a long detailed message to somebody and get no reply or a short one that doesn't answer what you wrote at all. I guess this place is transient. People come and go. As long as they go onto a healthier life, I can live with that. People should only stay as long as it's good for them. Such is life. I'm grateful for the support I've had.

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #210 on: September 02, 2016, 10:30:17 AM »
malando,

I know what you mean. Not sure if it is RN withdraws but it is hard to realize that this process is temporary; that is if staying away from porn is accomplished.

Great to see you at 52 days. Your doing great.

Peace

malando

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #211 on: September 02, 2016, 10:44:23 AM »
malando,

I know what you mean. Not sure if it is RN withdraws but it is hard to realize that this process is temporary; that is if staying away from porn is accomplished.

Great to see you at 52 days. Your doing great.

Peace

Thanks, Bob. I think it makes sense for people to move on. It's harder when people are still active here and stop making the effort for you. But we are all on our own journey, I suppose. I try not to judge.

You're doing great too.

TK-421

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #212 on: September 02, 2016, 03:46:33 PM »
52 days clean now. P feels more and more distant in my life. Not posting much anymore - feels like I've been left behind by a few of my buddies. Makes me a bit sad when you write a long detailed message to somebody and get no reply or a short one that doesn't answer what you wrote at all. I guess this place is transient. People come and go. As long as they go onto a healthier life, I can live with that. People should only stay as long as it's good for them. Such is life. I'm grateful for the support I've had.

I prefer to think of it as passing the mantle, rather than that this is a transient place. Sure, it's a bit sad when guys who you have a rapport with and who are supporters move on, but it's also encouraging to see guys get healthy. I'd encourage you to stay active here and continue to welcome the newbies by providing advice and support. I think you are an asset to this place.
« Last Edit: September 02, 2016, 07:09:59 PM by TK-421 »
I never use porn or masturbate Now.  I am in charge of my life.

Branch

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #213 on: September 02, 2016, 06:55:47 PM »
malando,

You're way ahead of me in your reboot, but I understand your thoughts on RN.  Yes, RN isn't an end in itself, but a means to an end.  Still, some recovered members come back and help others with their reboot.  Today I read an amazing post by balanced in my journal, and he's been p-free for over 1,000 days.  So that's another option.  Just something to think about.

You're doing great!

Branch

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #214 on: September 03, 2016, 01:33:40 PM »
Hi Malando,

I haven't posted in your journal for a good while, and we haven't chatted that many times... But, You're doing great man. I'll be straight, I haven't posted as much on here as I was before, for a few reasons: studies; lost a bit of mojo; my own process and struggles with this and life :)

50+ days is awesome man. Keep going.


Respect!
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

balanced

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #215 on: September 04, 2016, 06:41:13 AM »

I've stayed away from P, but still battle to keep stray thoughts from entering my mind. It's a long process gaining control of one's brain - especially one that never had control in the first place. I'm starting to think that this is what being a man is - gaining control over oneself, not being a slave to one's base instincts. Base instincts were useful at a time when humanity had to spend a lot of its time focussing on survival. Now that we are in an era of excess and mechanised farming, we have too much latitude and too many forms of idle entertainment that caters to base instincts. We walk right into it and we become addicted long before we learn that there are consequences to our excesses. In this era, being in control of oneself is harder than it's ever been. It's a challenging time to be a man. The notion of a man keeps changing, it's poorly defined and confusing. But we must strive to be the best men we can be within whatever definition we settle on.

You've articulated the central issue very well...the intersection between our lack of self control and what we have been told it means to be "a man" by society and previous generations of men.

You might find a documentary on Netflix helpful as it dives into the issue of a misguided and harmful societal definition of what a man is...it is called "The Mask You Live In".

Congratulations on your personal growth, it is necessary to victory over porn and it is the key to a more fulfilling life beyond.

TK-421

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #216 on: September 06, 2016, 02:15:29 PM »
Hey Malando - Haven't heard from you for a while in here. How are you doing?
I never use porn or masturbate Now.  I am in charge of my life.

Stede Bonnet

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #217 on: September 07, 2016, 02:28:35 PM »
It could be the process of RN has a peak in its usefulness to the user.  I see RN as kind of a safe place to heal and recover, but at some point I imagine talking about porn everyday can have a reverse effect.  I hope at some point I just get thoroughly disgusted by it and of talking about porn and just want to move on.  Does that make sense?
« Last Edit: September 12, 2016, 11:36:46 PM by Stede Bonnet »

Branch

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #218 on: September 07, 2016, 07:40:02 PM »
Thanks, Bob. I think it makes sense for people to move on. It's harder when people are still active here and stop making the effort for you. But we are all on our own journey, I suppose. I try not to judge.

You're doing great too.
It could be the process of RN has a peak in its usefulness to the user.  I see RN as kind of a safe place to heal and recover, but at some point I imagine talking about porn everyday can have a reverse effect.  I hope at some point I just get thoroughly disgusted by it and of talking about porn and just want to move on.  Does that make sense?

Makes perfect sense to me.  The point of RN is to get past needing it.  To be honest, at times I've seen RN can as a chore,  but lately I've started to see it as time well spent always, because always better than indulging.

RecoveryJunkie

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #219 on: September 07, 2016, 08:03:39 PM »
Hey Molando,

I read back in your posts and saw that you and your partner are seeking outside help. Its good to hear that you are and not so good to hear of your relationship issues. My thoughts are with both of you as you try to work things out. Ne patient with her, she probably doesn't have half the support that you do. I am assuming a lot here but still, try to be patient and understanding. Congrats on 50 days bro... Your on the beam as far as being porn free is concerned, everything else will work itself out.
RJ

malando

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #220 on: September 09, 2016, 11:18:17 AM »
Hey you guys,

I know I've been AWOL for a while. For some reason I felt I couldn't visit my journal for a while. I think it's because i haven't been feeling quite as strong lately, and because I was feeling disappointed that some key people were not visiting my journal anymore.

But that has to stop now. A lot of you guys have graciously stopped in to wish me well and give me support. That is what I should be focussed on. What I should be grateful for.

So thank-you to all of you who have thought of me and offered your support. It means a lot to me.

I'll address you all separately:

Stede: You're quite right, it's never a waste of time if it keeps you on the straight and narrow. I've felt weakened of late, so I need to make sure I don't fall into a relapse. At some stage I will move on, but I still have a long way to go. Thanks for your thoughts.

Recovery Junkie: Hi mate, hope you are doing well! Yes, my partner and I are back on track again. We are communicating better and not overreacting to each other's less stellar moments. It feels good to have our stability back. I'm pleased that our trouble patch didn't make me go searching for any "outside" stimulation. We've had some brilliant intimate moments recently. More passionate than ever.

Branch: Yes, I think I did feel like visiting my journal was a chore for a while. I felt I was offering little and not helping anyone. But a journal is only as good as the effort you put into it. I was probably getting lazy.

TK: Yeah, I did go through some heavy stuff with my partner - nothing to do with sexual things or P. Just some things came up that we both didn't handle too well. We were right out of our groove and tension was high. It took us a while to settle and miss what we usually have. Eventually the freeze thawed and we started talking and relating again. Slowly the intimacy came back - and it's been very nice since then. For me, relationship struggles make me feel worse than anything else. I hate the tension and lack of warmth. It feels very threatening to me - some baggage caused by a childhood with a mother who regularly threatened to walk out. My security can feel easily threatened at times. I need to learn to separate that experience from my adult experience better.

Balanced: Thank-you for your kind words on what I wrote. It was one of those lightbulb moments that happen once in a while. I think if you string enough lightbulbs together, you eventually get a much brighter view of the world and what's important.

FYG: Thank-you, man! You know, I actually read your journal and your comments a lot. Even though we haven't interacted a lot directly, you are one of the guys I feel like I know because of your contributions. You're like a friend who doesn't know it!  :)

Branch: Yes, I don't actually plan on leaving for a while yet. I still have a lot to learn, and I want to offer what I can to others who are just starting out, or still struggling. I have my struggles too, at times. I recently almost reset my counter. Even though I didn't technically PMO. I did view some arousing P-subs and later still felt aroused which led to an unscheduled MO. I have never tried to ban MO, but to only do it under strict conditions and not too often. But this incident was a bit too close to the line. I haven't reset my counter, but I thought about it. It did feel like I had polluted my clean mind somewhat. It was a wake-up call: don't get complacent.


I hope I didn't miss anybody. Thanks again for sticking around and giving me a boost. I'll try to return the favour where I can.

Cheers,
M.

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #221 on: September 09, 2016, 12:16:31 PM »
Keep going, Malando. You are doing great after a few false starts. If I'm not mistaken, you are at a record with your current streak, no?  There will always be ups and downs, but if we can learn from the guys who have completed there reboot, the pull gets to be less after the 90 days. Give your brain a chance to reset before you read too much into the "down" or "weak" feeling.

TK-421
I never use porn or masturbate Now.  I am in charge of my life.

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #222 on: September 09, 2016, 02:06:03 PM »
During my Reboot, towards the end of it, I noticed I had less to say.  I'm not sure what causes this, maybe its progress, a feeling of less urgency perhaps.  Maybe its the mark that you've gained the edge over porn and your struggling less...  I remember I just no longer felt burdened and it became harder to relate in some ways to the guys still struggling.  Its like you've wrestled this thing so long, resisting with all your mite and suddenly you realize its lighter than it was before, the size has decreased and its hard to summon the enthusiasm you once had because the fight feels won.  Maybe I'm just rambling or being non-sensical, but I can relate to how you feel.  Stay vigilant though, distractions and old neural pathways still exist and if you allow yourself to mentally wander you can make a wrong turn in the dark.  The upside is even in those moments now where I may start to go the wrong way, I quickly notice whats happening and correct myself.

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #223 on: September 10, 2016, 09:58:46 PM »
Malando,

I commend your great progress away from p and into becoming a better man.  Your transformation motivates me.

Branch

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #224 on: September 11, 2016, 08:30:37 AM »
We're here for you, for each other. But what's more important is that we realize and fully appreciate the power we have within ourselves to create the better person we want to become. To become that better person requires self-examination accompanied by self-love. Our support for you is helpful, your support of yourself is essential. Rely on your own abilities to examine, understand, and change, and we will be there to encourage you along the way.