Author Topic: Malando - getting started.  (Read 34369 times)

Chip

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #100 on: June 14, 2016, 09:23:24 AM »
Hi my friends,

I haven't posted much lately. I've been in a serious amount of turmoil since my relapse. I was 27 days clean and doing great, and then I tempted fate for no good reason at all. It was a combination of overconfidence and an idle mind. The result is that I have not been doing well at all since then. My mind has been wrestling with thoughts of what I did, thoughts of what I watched, another relapse, and feeling out of control in general. I must quit P. It's making my life hell. It takes away my motivation and initiative. It makes me feel distant and numb. It's no good.

This week I am going on a trip to China. I won't have any chance to view P, and I'll be very busy. My hope is that this will act as a circuit breaker for my frenzied mind. When I return in July, I will start afresh with a new counter. I don't want to continue my counter before then because I feel any days I wrack up then will be due to being unable to view P rather than any act of self-control on my behalf. So I will start from day 0 when I return.

I may not post much between now and Friday just because I have a lot of do before I fly out. I wanted to say a big thank-you to all the people who have supported me here and in private messages. I hope I have conveyed to you how much I appreciate your efforts and compassion.

I wish you all the very best with your recoveries while I'm away. I'll talk to you all when I return in July. I'll still check in during this week and reply to any messages and posts you make here.

Take care guys. Stay strong.
M
Look Man,

We've all been there, your gonna recover.  I've been thru this so many times myself I lost count.  We do pay a heavy mental, emotional, spiritual price when we indulge ourselves with porn, but it can be overcome.  The further away from porn when we relapse I think contributes to the fallout being felt more severely.  For every day we go without PMO our brains heal just that little bit and then if we suddenly reintroduce the PMO, the high feels that much more powerful.  What goes up, must come down and the higher we fly, the harder we hit when we land...  I know it hurts and the depression alone can feel insurmountable, but your gonna get better.  I think this is why when Heroine addicts are clean for years try to go back to it, they OD and die quite often, their brain is no longer use to that level of stimulation.  One last thing, I know your gonna be away from home and you don't expect any temptation while in China, but be on guard, its been my experience that porn can find you, so be on guard.  I'm sorry if my earlier attempt at levity when you relapsed has in anyway caused you difficulty, I was just trying to ease the stress.
« Last Edit: June 14, 2016, 09:26:23 AM by Chip »

Boo

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #101 on: June 14, 2016, 09:31:49 AM »
Don't discount the gains you've made, Malando. Based on many things you've said on this forum, I'm convinced that you have the mindset and understanding you need to conquer the PMO habit. I fully expect your next streak to be a long one, maybe your last. No matter what, you're heading in the right direction, of that I'm certain. Enjoy your trip.

Leon

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #102 on: June 14, 2016, 09:52:08 AM »
Malando, try and avoid the all or nothing approach to recovery. There's a cognitive distortion called black-and-white thinking, where we see everything as linear, or we see it all as an either-or propositions.

"Either I'm doing 100% in abstinence, or I'm a completed failure!" Does that sound familiar?

Never mind the fact that before RN, maybe your habit was to wank to porn once, twice or three times a day? Maybe you were more like me, and did things once a week, or 2-3 times a week?

As Boo said, don't discount your progress so far- your trajectory is in the right direction if you can avoid needlessly beating yourself up, and making your lapse more than what it was...

Enjoy your time in China, stop by Wudan Mountain for me, lol...

malando

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #103 on: June 14, 2016, 11:40:20 AM »
Have a nice trip!  :)
A trip to China--how cool is that?  Have a great time!
Have fun in China!

Thanks guys! I'm sure it'll be fascinating. I even took a course in Chinese language so I can make some basic small talk.

Look Man,

We've all been there, your gonna recover.  I've been thru this so many times myself I lost count.  We do pay a heavy mental, emotional, spiritual price when we indulge ourselves with porn, but it can be overcome.  The further away from porn when we relapse I think contributes to the fallout being felt more severely.  For every day we go without PMO our brains heal just that little bit and then if we suddenly reintroduce the PMO, the high feels that much more powerful.  What goes up, must come down and the higher we fly, the harder we hit when we land...  I know it hurts and the depression alone can feel insurmountable, but your gonna get better.  I think this is why when Heroine addicts are clean for years try to go back to it, they OD and die quite often, their brain is no longer use to that level of stimulation.  One last thing, I know your gonna be away from home and you don't expect any temptation while in China, but be on guard, its been my experience that porn can find you, so be on guard.  I'm sorry if my earlier attempt at levity when you relapsed has in anyway caused you difficulty, I was just trying to ease the stress.

It's all good, Chip, and thanks. I'm not that fragile - I can take a joke. The turmoil was from within myself. I wasn't prepared for what happened. I guess that's a lesson in itself - expect the unexpected. Don't let any event derail me from my mission. I will be mindful when I'm in China. There will be some times when I get to walk around on my own. I will remind myself to take in the history and culture rather than go looking for carnal delights....

Don't discount the gains you've made, Malando. Based on many things you've said on this forum, I'm convinced that you have the mindset and understanding you need to conquer the PMO habit. I fully expect your next streak to be a long one, maybe your last. No matter what, you're heading in the right direction, of that I'm certain. Enjoy your trip.
I dream that this will be the case - but in any case, I must not allow myself to be tortured like this again and doubt my path to recovery. Thanks, Boo.

Malando, try and avoid the all or nothing approach to recovery. There's a cognitive distortion called black-and-white thinking, where we see everything as linear, or we see it all as an either-or propositions.

"Either I'm doing 100% in abstinence, or I'm a completed failure!" Does that sound familiar?

Never mind the fact that before RN, maybe your habit was to wank to porn once, twice or three times a day? Maybe you were more like me, and did things once a week, or 2-3 times a week?

As Boo said, don't discount your progress so far- your trajectory is in the right direction if you can avoid needlessly beating yourself up, and making your lapse more than what it was...

Enjoy your time in China, stop by Wudan Mountain for me, lol...

Yes, polarised thinking is very familiar to me, Leon. In this case, I'm not sure how much of that I was doing - but the thing that threw me into a tailspin was the experience itself. It was more manic, more frenzied, more impacting than any experience I've ever had with P. It was a fundamental, almost existential shock to my system. It scared the crap out of me. It took me many days to feel even halfway normal. I'm feeling better today. Not quite where I was, but I've recovered a degree of equanimity. Now I can recommit to my quitting process and feel more confident about it. Going to China is a great circuit breaker - takes me out of the familiar patterns and surroundings. Thanks for the good wishes.


And thanks to all of you for your great support - it means a lot to me and I feel honoured to have such brothers in arms against this insidious foe. I'll catch you guys on the flipside. Take care, all of you - and anyone who reads my journal silently. We can all get there - keep seeking knowledge and enlightenment. Buckle down when times are tough. There is a way for all of us.

Cheers,
M.

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #104 on: June 14, 2016, 04:48:38 PM »
Hey Malando! All the guys and your good self have said it, already. Keep going man, and look here for the motivation to see that it's not all or nothing; though from your words you know it's not that. I agree with the guys, you do sound like somebody who can do this, and the language you use shows you have a good idea of what's going down. But it's good to come back here and get support, right?! Enjoy China!! And if I were you mate... If you come back with a 'clean sheet'... there's no f***ing way I'd be resetting my counter, I can tell you that! Your body and mind won't clear the counter so allow the one on here to reflect that also. Just my thoughts :) I agree, we can all get there.

Respect, dude and peace!!
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Branch

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #105 on: June 14, 2016, 04:58:36 PM »
And if I were you mate... If you come back with a 'clean sheet'... there's no f***ing way I'd be resetting my counter, I can tell you that! Your body and mind won't clear the counter so allow the one on here to reflect that also. Just my thoughts :) I agree, we can all get there.

Respect, dude and peace!!

I agree with fyg--a day on track is a day on track!  I'd count them, too.   8)

Erasmus_xlt

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #106 on: June 14, 2016, 09:01:48 PM »
Enjoy your trip to China.  As has been said, you will be tempted there as much as anywhere.  I would suggest that you keep your counter running and decide when you get back what to do.  Porn is not an American or European problem only.

Remember, guilt is good because it lets us know when we've done something bad.  Shame is not good because it tells us that we are bad. There is a time for shame, but what you're experiencing because of your lapse is guilt.  Take time to analyze it.  What happened?  How were you feeling?  We're you Hungry, angry, lonely or tired?  What caused this feelings?  Then, when you figure it out, develop a plan ahead of time to prevent it from happening again.

We are learning a new way to think, be and do.  We are taking the longest journey known to mankind - the journey from your head to your heart  (Borrowed that from my counselor).  We want to be free from bondage and that takes work.  No one said it would be easy and we have to be DELIBERATE to the extreme.  Letting our brains go on autopilot will lead us back to the path of least resistance.

Just remember, everyone falls.  How high you climb after you get back up is the true measure of a person's success.

Be safe, be sober, be vigilant.



malando

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #107 on: June 14, 2016, 09:32:15 PM »
Thanks Erasmus, FYG and Branch. I think you all have a point. The reason I was going to reset my counter was because I've been  thinking of it as a counter of my self-control and willpower. Since I don't anticipating having much time alone or with internet while I'm away, it seemed like the counter is not applicable. But it's more about leaving P behind, so I'm going to redo my counter and restart it now.

The reason I'm restarting is because after my lapse, I was plagued by images of what I watched, and I did not always push them away. I felt like I didn't leave it behind in the days following. I was a participant. I feel the fog has lifted as of yesterday. Something clicked in my brain and I was ready to move to the next phase. My counter will reflect this and it will count on while I'm away.

Erasmus, the shame has left me, the guilt is giving way now. There's some regret, and that drives me. It takes strength to live with guilt without turning it into shame and using it as an excuse for relapsing. I'm going to be strong and not give myself excuses. Thank-you for your support.

Cheers.
M.

BlueSun

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #108 on: June 14, 2016, 11:50:11 PM »
Now this is courage.  Thank you!!!

Chip

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #109 on: June 15, 2016, 09:13:34 AM »
Enjoy your trip to China.  As has been said, you will be tempted there as much as anywhere.  I would suggest that you keep your counter running and decide when you get back what to do.  Porn is not an American or European problem only.

Remember, guilt is good because it lets us know when we've done something bad.  Shame is not good because it tells us that we are bad. There is a time for shame, but what you're experiencing because of your lapse is guilt.  Take time to analyze it.  What happened?  How were you feeling?  We're you Hungry, angry, lonely or tired?  What caused this feelings?  Then, when you figure it out, develop a plan ahead of time to prevent it from happening again.

We are learning a new way to think, be and do.  We are taking the longest journey known to mankind - the journey from your head to your heart  (Borrowed that from my counselor).  We want to be free from bondage and that takes work.  No one said it would be easy and we have to be DELIBERATE to the extreme.  Letting our brains go on autopilot will lead us back to the path of least resistance.

Just remember, everyone falls.  How high you climb after you get back up is the true measure of a person's success.

Be safe, be sober, be vigilant.
^^^WHAT HE SAID^^^

malando

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #110 on: June 16, 2016, 08:02:04 AM »
I'm off to the airport now. Just wanted to say thanks for all your support. I hope to read about all your progress when I get back in a few weeks. Stay strong, brothers!

I'll chat to you all when I'm back.

Best wishes,
M.

Chip

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #111 on: June 16, 2016, 08:18:38 AM »
Have a good flight and bring me back some General Tso chicken w/egg rolls.

Boo

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #112 on: July 06, 2016, 06:50:11 AM »
Malando,

I PM'd you and hopefully you will get that message upon your return. I wanted to post one last time here in your forum and say that despite your little lapse, I firmly believe that you are going to have a successful reboot. It make take a few attempts but that doesn't matter. The linear path doesn't happen much around here. You will make it.

malando

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #113 on: July 08, 2016, 03:03:16 PM »
Hi all,

I'm back from my trip. It was quite an eye-opener. I was under quite a lot of pressure - incredibly hot and humid weather, meeting all the in-laws, coping with their judgement of me. Coping with being stared at all the time - like literally every person looking me up and down like I was an alien. It was also sage advice some gave here about looking out for temptations while away. There is no porn in China, but there is plenty of visual temptation. Every woman there has a great figure - there are many very beautiful women around and there are plenty wearing very skimpy clothing. I did not handle that well, I'm afraid. I felt powerless to look away. If I averted my gaze, it would fall on yet another oriental beauty.

I would describe the trip as a relapse, essentially. I'm at square one. I'm under no illusions - I'm in turmoil. Not just because of PMO, but some other things which are not appropriate to post publicly here but have shared by PM with my accountability partner.

I feel I'm at a real fork in the road - I'm on the verge of oblivion, it seems. I need to make a choice - am I going to succumb and fail, or am I going to fight this thing? I feel like I'm in freefall - losing my mind. I need to find a way back to myself. I know I'm still exhausted and emotional from the trip, but I need to get out of this nightmare and back to where I was a month ago.

Yours in brutal honesty,
M.

Chip

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #114 on: July 08, 2016, 08:16:31 PM »
Hey man,

Glad your back, but sorry it was a stressful trip. You couldn't have shown up at a better time, quite a few of our group are no longer with us or have significantly reduced involvement. I was considering an exit myself with so few left in our ranks, but maybe not since your here.

Your back on your home turf, it'll be easier to control your environment and get back on the horse. Review your plan, if you need to make changes to your defenses, then do it. I know you can reclaim your victory, so let's get cracking!

Your confusion and defeated feelings are normal, a sad side effect to dopamine I'm afraid.

malando

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #115 on: July 09, 2016, 07:49:59 AM »
Hey man,

Glad your back, but sorry it was a stressful trip. You couldn't have shown up at a better time, quite a few of our group are no longer with us or have significantly reduced involvement. I was considering an exit myself with so few left in our ranks, but maybe not since your here.

Your back on your home turf, it'll be easier to control your environment and get back on the horse. Review your plan, if you need to make changes to your defenses, then do it. I know you can reclaim your victory, so let's get cracking!

Your confusion and defeated feelings are normal, a sad side effect to dopamine I'm afraid.

Hi Chip, it's good to be back. I missed the support and camaraderie from this place. It's been a strange week for me and my partner. We've found it oddly difficult to get back into our groove since returning home. I think it's starting to turn, but we both have felt off balance and ill at ease for some reason. I think I need to let my brain adjust a bit further before I can really focus my efforts. I feel quite scattered and almost shellshocked. My dopamine is not at a sensible level either. I need to calm everything down and regroup.

It's amazing how much things seem to have changed on RN in the 3 weeks I was away. I'm glad there are still a few familiar faces still here - your's included.

How are you doing, Chip?

M.

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #116 on: July 09, 2016, 08:37:38 AM »
Yo.

Chip

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #117 on: July 09, 2016, 09:23:00 AM »
Hey man,

Glad your back, but sorry it was a stressful trip. You couldn't have shown up at a better time, quite a few of our group are no longer with us or have significantly reduced involvement. I was considering an exit myself with so few left in our ranks, but maybe not since your here.

Your back on your home turf, it'll be easier to control your environment and get back on the horse. Review your plan, if you need to make changes to your defenses, then do it. I know you can reclaim your victory, so let's get cracking!

Your confusion and defeated feelings are normal, a sad side effect to dopamine I'm afraid.

Hi Chip, it's good to be back. I missed the support and camaraderie from this place. It's been a strange week for me and my partner. We've found it oddly difficult to get back into our groove since returning home. I think it's starting to turn, but we both have felt off balance and ill at ease for some reason. I think I need to let my brain adjust a bit further before I can really focus my efforts. I feel quite scattered and almost shellshocked. My dopamine is not at a sensible level either. I need to calm everything down and regroup.

It's amazing how much things seem to have changed on RN in the 3 weeks I was away. I'm glad there are still a few familiar faces still here - your's included.

How are you doing, Chip?

M.
I am well.  Sent you a PM detailing.  Things will smooth out in time.

RecoveryJunkie

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #118 on: July 10, 2016, 11:45:13 PM »
M, get back to doing the things that have you strength and purpose when you first started out bro, hope to hear from you soon.
RJ

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #119 on: July 17, 2016, 01:50:07 AM »
This link was posted in a different section of the forum but I think it's worth posting again:
https://www.createspace.com/pub/community/give.review.do?id=1079377&rewrite=true&

When I read this account of the porn industry it is such a massive turn off, I don't want to go near the shit. I'm going to try reading it once a week to strengthen my resolve.

malando

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #120 on: July 17, 2016, 04:01:07 PM »
More reality of porn:

https://www.shelleylubben.com/shelleys-videos/shocking-footage-women-in-porn-abused

Seriously, this is a sick industry. I gotta get out of this shit for good.

fyg

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #121 on: July 17, 2016, 04:30:09 PM »
Thanks for sharing Malando. I haven't read your very latest post, but I did the previous one this afternoon. Very sobering indeed. Thank you, man.
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

malando

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #122 on: July 17, 2016, 07:21:35 PM »
Thanks for sharing Malando. I haven't read your very latest post, but I did the previous one this afternoon. Very sobering indeed. Thank you, man.
You're welcome. I think these truths will help a lot of people stay away from P - myself included.

I honestly don't know how I managed to overlook the truth of the industry all these years. I guess I swallowed the delusion they were selling - or I didn't want to see it. It's probably not the case that every single production company treats every single actor/actress like this, but how would we ever know? In any given scene, we might be watching a person in the worst moment of their life. I can't get excited about P anymore - just knowing there's that chance...

Branch

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #123 on: July 19, 2016, 09:37:52 AM »
More reality of porn:

https://www.shelleylubben.com/shelleys-videos/shocking-footage-women-in-porn-abused

Seriously, this is a sick industry. I gotta get out of this shit for good.

I just read it and wrote a review.  It's sobering, heart-wrenching, eye-opening stuff.  Profoundly affecting.  I know we say shame is bad, guilt is good, but I have to say I feel both guilty and ashamed about ever having watched porn after reading these chapters of her book.  I was 60 when I first got into porn.  I'd always thought it was BS and a poor substitute for the real thing.  I also thought it was disgraceful.  When I turned to porn I turned against myself.  After reading this, I feel shame and guilt about that, too.

BlueSun

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Re: Malando - getting started.
« Reply #124 on: July 20, 2016, 04:23:38 AM »
The important part is that we have the chance to see it now.
Ive known some of these things all along
And chosen not to see them
Chosen for it to not matter.
But now it does.  More than ever.
Which means my values have changed
And when that happens, great things follow