Author Topic: Why not now?  (Read 2510 times)

tantra

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Why not now?
« on: March 02, 2016, 04:25:42 PM »
Hi all,

Just turned 40 (well, in October), and have been using porn, one form or another, on and off, since around 17 or so. Between the ages of 20 to about 22, I was practically impotent, mostly visited hookers, some of them made fun of me when I couldn't get it up, which brought me really down. Was afraid to look for a gf because of that. Then I fell in love, but was not able to get it up with her for almost six months. But she was patient, and it finally happend, but still the sex was really bad, either I came too soon, or my erections are not that hard,... During the two years I was with her, I didn't watch that much porn, but after we split, I went right back to it.

I hit rock bottom about 12 years ago (2004 or so) while doing my graduate studies, mostly because my research was going nowhere. Depression sat in and was spending at least 3 hours on porn every day, sometimes first thing in the morning before breakfast, sometimes from 8pm to 3am, no break!  At the uni, at home, whenever I get access to internet.  Anyway, the depression went bad, I became suicidal, took a short break from studying, got better, went back to school, and managed to get my PhD (still using porn quite often, but not so obsessively).

Things started to get better then, I started running, quit smoking, lost 20+kgs, started dating and experimented a bit with picking up girls, but still porn was in the background. Though the sex was good when I was having regular partners, had several occasions where I got ED when I was with a girl for the first time. I remember several occasions of going out to a bar/club, seducing a girl, bringing her home or go to her place, and then, nada. The disappointment in their face, my self hatred, I actually lost interest in going out to meet girls, because, what is the use of it, anyways? I became more afraid of success in seduction than rejection. Specially there were occasions when I met girls in my social circle and I was interested in them and I can tell they were as well, but I was afraid to take it to the next level because "what if I can't get it up? this might screw up things if they tell...", stupid thinking, I know, but I couldn't run away from it.

In 2014, I stumbled across some tantra workshops/groups here where I live and I attended a couple of workshops that completely blew me away. Mid way through the workshop, I, who was ashamed of my penis size, who was afraid of ED, who was afraid of PE, completely lost shame and was able to have sex with four different women in one day, while others were watching, without ejaculating even once. I felt like a king! I continued seeing one of the women that I met during the workshop, but she lived in Norway and it kinda died (but whenever we met, the sex was incredible. She was very experienced tantric practitioner, there was no ejaculation involved and we could do it until we have no energy left).

Unfortunately, the tantra community was a bit too crazy for me, because it was very hard to get deep with one women one to one. I am very open minded and really for open relationships and so on, but this was complete obsession. Whenever I go to their party, it always ends up being an orgy where everyone is fucking everybody else, almost. To be honest, if all the women were hot, maybe I would have been lost in that as well, but maybe I was attracted to only few of the women in the group. So I slowly drifted away from the group, even though I am still grateful for getting me in touch with my sexuality, not be ashamed of it, and also experience some of the best sexual experience of my life.

Well, then I slowly drifted back to porn again, not so much, but still there were the once in a while binging when I watch porn two three nights in a row after not thinking about it for two three weeks. Also, I was not dating. Last year, I went to tokyo for six months for work and I met a japanese women, and we dated the last three months. Sex with her was really great, from the first night, it just got better and better. But there was no emotional connection, and the fact that she almost didnt speak english didnt  help at all. Anyways, when I left Tokyo, I thought OK that is it, it is over. But we kept contact and she even came to see me for 6 days mid february (I live in Europe). I was happy to see her, and the sex was great again, but after three days in a row with her and having sex around four times every day, I got really bored with her and felt suffocated (it was becoming even difficult to come without digging into my porn fantasies). So I was almost on the verge of breaking up with her, but luckily the six days passed and she went back. She has told me she is in love with me, and I am almost sure if I tell her come and live with me, she will drop everything and come. But I don't feel the same about her at the moment, so right now, I am keeping it cool. We are still in touch and skype once a week, but no plans about the future. I am just trying to see if any feeling will develop as time goes by. Let's see.

Anyways, I joined rebootnation because I realized that after she left I started watching porn more, about twice a week (but looong sessions). Yesterday was one such a day. I don't want to fall back again to my old self, because I feel a little bit of boredom, some stress at work, a feeling of a bit abandoned by my closest friends because either they just had a baby, or got a new gf, etc...and spending more and more time alone, which makes me very susceptible to fall back to the addiction.

I am trying to get more social, just started a running club, yesterday was our first meeting. I started teaching yoga after one year break, and I have started running quite seriously and want to get a personal best in 10K and half marathon. Also doing bodyweight exercises at home and going to the gym about twice a week. I feel very fit and healthy, but still I am not going out that much or getting involved in events where I can meet women. So that is one thing I really want to change in the coming weeks.

Wow, post is getting too long, I better stop here now. But happy to be here, and will try to report as often as I can.

Cheers!
T

tantra

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Re: Why not now?
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2016, 04:37:21 PM »
Well well, it is going really well so far
In 37 days, I have masturbated only a couple of times, both times not using porn (the first one after 30 days, the last one on Monday).

The first three weeks or so, I had some sort of flat line, no libido at all, and didn't even think of sex.

Today, I noticed that I was getting really really horny during the day. Almost every women I see on the street were attractive to me. So it was a bit tempting to look at porn, specially one link from some running forum led me to a site for pin up models and I felt a strong urge to continue. So I just ran here to write this. Now I shut down my computer and go to sleep !:-)

Polar

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Re: Why not now?
« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2016, 02:14:12 PM »
Wow.  Interesting back story!  I never realized that tantric workshops really existed.  I thought that was something you'd only see in movies or sitcoms!

Anyhow - good to have you here sharing your journey.  The ED you experienced at the begining of relationships what very similar to my past experiences.
Porn free since 6/31/2014

tantra

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Re: Why not now?
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2016, 01:51:18 PM »
After more than 70 days, I slipped on Saturday. The usual scenario of getting from a party, and feeling a bit lonely, .....then two hours of porn and ejaculation...tried to get over it by running in the morning, it was quite cold, I did it anyway, 25Kms...but was a bit too much for that day. Ended up getting cold and two days of sick days at home. Now feeling a bit better. And what do I do first thing? Watch some porn again. Fortunately, I didn't start jerking off, and I stopped after some time. Rushed here to write this and reset my counter.

Summarizing this streak

The good:
-----------
- done a lot of good things like starting a running club, started teaching/doing yoga again, running 5 times per week, got an online running coach, trying to meet friends as much as possible, gym, the 73 day streak was pure porn and porn substitute free (I even removed tinder from my mobile)

The bad:
---------
- Still lost it with the same old trigger (coming from a party and feeling a bit lonely) and I could feel it on the train back home that I am going to do it and was completely clouded. I mean, after 70+ days I thought I could have more control and a little bit mindfulness to make me stop and ask : what is the purpose of the thing that I am going to do now?


Yet another good thing that I forgot to mention above is that I don't feel so bad. Yes, I felt bad after doing it on saturday, and was also feeling sluggish the morning after (in the tantra speak, it is called the peaking hangover, the feeling of having less energy and motivation the few days after ejaculation). But after dragging myself out to run, it slowly disappeared...

Well, time to reset counter and continue..
 


malando

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Re: Why not now?
« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2016, 02:15:39 PM »

In 2014, I stumbled across some tantra workshops/groups here where I live and I attended a couple of workshops that completely blew me away. Mid way through the workshop, I, who was ashamed of my penis size, who was afraid of ED, who was afraid of PE, completely lost shame and was able to have sex with four different women in one day, while others were watching, without ejaculating even once. I felt like a king! I continued seeing one of the women that I met during the workshop, but she lived in Norway and it kinda died (but whenever we met, the sex was incredible. She was very experienced tantric practitioner, there was no ejaculation involved and we could do it until we have no energy left).


Lol, they can dress it up as tantra as much as they like, but tantra isn't about having sex with 4 women in a day. That is so far off the goals and philosophy of tantra it's not funny. What you went to was a hardcore orgy - with a bit of "eastern wisdom" thrown in to give it legitimacy. This is really close to the kind of unreality that porn supports - hyper-sexuality which is unsustainable and incompatible with normal relationships. The memory of such an orgy would be practically impossible to erase from the memory - so if it's used to sustain arousal to M or during sex with a partner, it's like a massive pornographic movie you can play back in your mind. It's porn based on an extreme personal memory. If you've done things this extreme, I suspect you'll have to be very disciplined to keep your mind away from it.

About your Japanese chick - you're just not that into her.

Sorry for being blunt - I'm in a mood for telling it like it is.

tantra

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Re: Why not now?
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2016, 02:59:45 PM »
about the japanese girl, true, I am not that much into her, but she is too much into me. So it is for a completely selfish reason that I am still continuing the "relationship". I mean, it has been a long time since a woman loved me so completely so I find it hard to let that one go.

Regarding the "tantra" thing, I also have my doubts that it felt like a swingers group activity rather than sacred sexuality at the beginning. But on the other hand, I think the main problem with porn addiction is the replacement of the real thing with just a screen and not having real sex or not getting aroused with real people. What happened during the workshops I have attended was real people having real sex in a safe environment and also where the main aim was not to have peak orgasm but rather to be present and enjoy the interaction. Actually, a couple of weeks ago, I stumbled upon one such party organized by the people from the group, and it was a hell of a fun. I interacted with only one women, even though there were 20 or so other women, and around 15 of them really sexy. The two of us created our own bubble and the others disappeared. I didn't fantasize about anything, I was just there with her and enjoying everything. There was no agenda, I was not worried about performance, making her come, etc...even for a moment, I didn't feel like coming and it was just a continuous bliss for a couple of hours. With women who have not practiced tantra (for example, the japanese girl), I always feel some kind of tension and most of the time we end up rushing towards orgasm rather than enjoying each and every moment.

So I don't see any harm in having such mind blowing experiences whenever the opportunity arises :-)

tantra

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Re: Why not now?
« Reply #6 on: June 06, 2016, 12:41:30 PM »
Finally got the courage to tell the Japanese girl that I am not in love with her and I don't have any future plans for us. It was very hard for her (unknown to me, though I have suspected a bit, she was thinking of moving to Europe and live with me). But still she will come to visit me in August.

On the porn side, I have had few slips during last week. And it all happened while on holiday with friends. This has not happened in several years  (I mean,  watching porn while not completely alone. Twice it was at the hotelroom's restroom while my friends were waiting for their turn to use the toilet) and the other time was at the restroom of the train we were in). So a bit alarmed that these old patterns have resurfaced. But I dust myself off and march on!

tantra

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Re: Why not now? (sorry, may have trigger words, ....)
« Reply #7 on: July 03, 2016, 12:23:21 PM »
Not in a good space right now about the rebooting. I have been utter failure the past few weeks. Slipping 2-3 times per week. And today, the worst, during the day time. A beautiful sunday. It started very well, I went out doing my usual long runs. Did 19Kms, felt really good. Ate a good breakfast. And wanted to treat myself with a nice bath and movie. So I choose Bucket List, which I have seen a long time ago. But after a while, all I could think was remembering a scene where the character played by Jack Nicolson was with two hookers or something like that. At some point I started skipping a lot to find that scene with no avail (maybe the scene is not in that movie at all and I was just imagining it or something like that...). But then I don't know the exact sequence, but things escalated very quickly from girls in yoga pants to transexual porn (my achilles heel). But I got this few seconds of clarity or mindfulness or whatever you call it, where I was observing myself and said "hold on! is this how you want this beautiful sunday to be? (time was around 2:45pm). Sun is shining outside and you are just jerking off to some porn? Is this really worth the hangover you are going to feel afterwards?"... I literally ran away from my bathtub, and basked in the glory, but it was a premature celebration, as I found out few hours afterwards...

Then things started getting a bit boring. I was supposed to play some music with a friend, he cancelled. I made a call, or send a message to four other friends to go out for a coffee, all couldn't make it. Then I said, OK, I will practice some guitar. Fifteen minutes or so, and I got bored again. I said, let me go check some funny pictures at reddit, but deep inside I kinda know where this was headed. Anyways, some minutes later, I was deep into some porn site, came across a new transexual porn star I have not seen before, went temporarily insane, jerked off for 30 min or so with her videos, and then I finished off... Time was around 7pm.

Sun is still shining, I have been indoor since 1pm. I feel I have no friends. All my closest friends are now married, or in a relationship and I don't have anyone to just call and hang out with. I feel lonely. I feel bored. I feel hopeless. This has to stop somehow. I have to go out and make some new friends. I have to go out and meet some new women. Most of the tips from this site has not been working. I run 60-80kms per week, I go to the gym or do bodyweight exercises at least 3 times per week, I do yoga, I meditate almost every day. I am happy about all these things in my life. I look good,  I dress well. There is absolutely no reason or justification why I should be alone at home jerking off to porn in a city full of beautiful women. This has to stop. I am fucking tired of this. I am fucking tired of coming here just to say I have failed again.

I think I better go out and talk a walk.....

 

tantra

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Re: Why not now?
« Reply #8 on: July 04, 2016, 04:41:08 PM »
Took a walk after my slip and my rant here yesterday. One hour brisk walking, good weather, cleaned up my mind a bit. On the way back, I bought some Indian take away and ate it while watching european football championship, France vs Iceland. Good game. Afterwards, I went to bed while listening to some audio book.

Woke up late around 8. 30 min of meditation and then off to work. Easy day at work, so didnt have that much to do. I went out to the gym and running during lunch break, and then met some friends for lunch. Afterwards some more work and around 5, I went to a friend's place to play some guitar and sing together. I spent about two hours there. I went directly home, and called my sister. Prepared some salad (sardines, feta cheese, onions, tomatoes, paprika, .....mmm, delicious). I was still talking with my sis until I finished eating. Wasted some time on facebook, and then I stumbled across a mention of the movie "the purge" and I enjoyed it actually. Now time is about 11:30. Time to brush my teeth, and maybe do few minutes of stretching (I had a bit of groin strain from doing yoga yesterday..it kinda took care of my butt pain from running and replaced it with a groin one!). I need that as I have interval training tomorrow evening.

The good today:
-slept well
-gym + run
-had a nice conversation with my sis, she is coming to visit in 2 weeks, quite looking forward to that
-lunch with friends
-during the lunch run, at some point I was running topless, and it felt so great to feel the sun on my skin for 20 min or so. Gave me a lot of energy
-I had pleasent conversation with one colleague. And during that talk, I thought some nice idea that could be good for a startup. I will talk it with some people
-I abstained from facebook until I went home in the evening.

The bad:
-------
-Nothing really bad really
-something that can be improved: Try to take a dump with your phone. Today, all the three times I have been to the loo (thanks to the Vindaloo I had for dinner!:-), I was playing sudoko. So sometimes I stayed for more than 15 min. It has actually been a long time since I took a dump without a phone by my side. Tomorrow challenge: No phone during toilet breaks!
-Also would have liked to read a book instead of watching a movie. Lets see how I feel after the interval training tomorrow:-)


good night!
PS: Will try to do a quick summary of the day every night

tantra

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Re: Why not now?
« Reply #9 on: July 05, 2016, 05:46:22 PM »
Woke up at 8am. Did 20 min meditation, while sitting in my room (sitting at the spot where the sun gets in my living room, filling up Vitamin D at the same time). I did 10 min of leg exercises, just calf raises and some similar drills as I was feeling tight on my achilies and lower legs. Then went to work. Had a couple of meetings. A loong lunch break in the sun. Back to work, a couple of other meetings. Left work a bit before 17, took a half hour nap, went out to my running club meetup. 4Kms of warmup, 15x400m intervals, followed by about 1K cooldown. Led the others with some plyometric exercises afterwards.  Afterwards, I went to take a bit of a swim nearby. G  (a chinese girl who is also coming to my running club), was there with me, but she was not swimming. Then we bought Thai takeway and ate watching the sunset. I tried a bit to make a move on her (after the dinner, I was lying on the grass, she was sitting by my side, asked her to lean back and join me, she first said I don't want to get my sweater dirty on the grass or something like that, then I told her she can lie on me, and was slightly rubbing her lower back, and she said, "no not today" something like that, I didn't persist). We chatted a lot about sexuality and stuff like that because she is also interested in Tantra, so I was telling her about the workshops I did and so on (we have talked about that before as well). Around 21:30 we parted. I went home, did my laundary, took a bath, and saw a movie called "the spanish prisoner" which was quite nice but I think I kinda suspected some of the plot, so the ending was not very surprising for me.

After watching the movie, I checked facebook and noticed that there was a ticket for sale for some camping event (with people from my tantra school) in Denmark. But the event starts tomorrow and I checked plane tickets, it was a bit expensive (on top of that, it is no in Copenhagen, so I have to take train and then taxi or bus after that). So I let it pass, but a bit sad, because it would have been nice to have few days of sexual healing, that would have really make me forget this recent porn binge I was into. Anyways, it was not meant to be.

The good
-Nice mood at work
-kept the meditation
-ran
-tried to make a move on G

The bad

-When making a move on G, i was trying to be funny. I was saying stuff (when I ask her to lie down with me on the grass), I was half joking "I am trying to seduce you" or something like that. I think it was the fear that was making me do that. It was absolutely unnecessary, and I think might have killed the sexual dynamics. We shall see next time

-A bit sad about not making the camping trip to Denmark. I was aware of it months ago, but was hesitating, so ticket was sold out when I decided to join. Was on  the waiting list, and this offer for a place came a bit too late. Being more decisive is one thing that I could always improve.

Right now, I feel a little bit of urge to watch porn, because the adrenaline kick from the interval training has made me a bit hyperactive and not feeling sleepy. So I will just play some audiobook or music and go to bed immediately after posting this.

Amen!

tantra

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Re: Why not now?
« Reply #10 on: July 06, 2016, 06:00:41 PM »
After the running yesterday, it was really hard for me to sleep. I finally managed to sleep around 1am, but then I woke up again at 3.00 and went back to sleep at around 4 (but  only after masturbating and coming, but no porn). Woke up at around 9am, still feeling not fresh.

Meditation:20 min
To work
Lunch with some colleagues, took some sun after lunch while drinking tea
back to work
some meetings
went out running with a colleague around 4 pm (6K easy jogging)
Went out to gym, worked out for about 30 min (Squats, bench press, and abs)
Went downtown to join some people for a "wirter's meetup" (some people interested in writing and wanted to talk about or inspire each other about writing). Unfortunately, I arrived a bit late and there was no one.
So I called up a crazy american friend of mine, whom I have not met in like 2 years (now he works in LA, actually producing a famous talk show which I won't disclose to protect his privacy, but sometimes comes to Sweden in the summer). He told me to come over to his place. While on the train, I receive a message from him saying that he is always nude in his apartment and he hopes I am OK with that. I didn't mind that. With a little coaxing he made me get naked as well. I knew from our previous interactions that he is completely bi and was a bit interested in me, and I have told him several times that I am not into guys, but have admitted to him that I am fascinated by shemales. Anyways, at the begining, it was not sexual at all, just two friends naked catching up... but he really wanted to get sexual, offered me several times to suck me off, promising that it will be the best blowjob ever, etc.. and he was flattering me a lot on how ripped/beautiful I looked (last time we saw each other, I was still running but not going to gym that much, so my body is now more well defined). Anyways, nothing happened, as I was not really interested, and even though he was persistent, he respected my boundary. Also, it felt good to be adored by another person, even though I was not interested. Also, nice to meet him and his craziness, because I am so bored with my other friends who just talk about the weather, summer holidays, babies, and work... ....

I talked with chilean/finish couple friend's of mine on the way home, and I decided to visit them end of July for a weekend. Look forward, they are nice people. The girl is actually really hot, and I am a bit envious of the guy. Anyways, would be fun to see them (I don't really know them that much, met them while in Holland in May, but we kinda clicked and kept in touch....).

I feel a little bit of urge to watch porn, not as strong as yesterday.

Good night!

tantra

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Re: Why not now?
« Reply #11 on: July 07, 2016, 08:59:43 AM »
Well,  seems that I spoke too soon! After the last post, brushed my teeth and went to bed. Trouble in falling asleep. Try to find some audio books to listen to on YouTube.  5 min later......watching Japanese movie..a lesbian scene comes..soon, I have drifted to a porn site watching lesbian porn......duh! ....

anyways didn't spend that much time,  maybe 30 min. After unloading, fell asleep very quickly, but my sleep was not deep enough. Still a bit tired (now it's 4 pm).

I will try to get some running and a bit of bathing on the lake after work.

I slipped, but I won't slide!

tantra

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Re: Why not now?
« Reply #12 on: July 07, 2016, 05:11:04 PM »
Went out running after work, what a lovely day! Midway through the run, I stopped by a lake for a swim as I had planned. There was this girl sunbathing and we ended up chit chatting for quite some time. She was really cute, with a killer body. She was actually from Czech republic, here because of her swedish boyfriend. I hate boy friends! We chatted for about 30 min (not only her looks, I was fascinated by her outlook in life: she is trying to become a guide for hiking and skiing, and wants to live on the mountains one day, a bit tired of office work, just the same way as I am). Afterwards, just before leaving I said we can exchange contacts and maybe grab coffee one day. She said "let's just keep it like it is, a nice random meeting and I am sure we will bump into each other". I was a bit stumbled, I tried to joke again, fuuck, I hate how I always do that. I said something like "I am not trying to hit on you, you know. Ok, I was at the beginning, but once you told me you have a boyfriend, I stopped that. And I respect that you are in a relationship, blah blah...", anyways, we parted in good terms, wishing each other good luck.

The interaction really bumped me up! I was happy and felt alive to be talking to a pretty girl, one to one, in a wonderful setting, during the day! I need more of this in my life! Actually, I got so much kick out of the interaction, I did the second half of the run considerably faster than the first half, and it didn't feel that hard at all!

After having dinner, I managed to clean my apartment, wash the dishes, and then left to a bar downtown to see European championship match between france and germany to support my French friends. The place was packed, it was a spacious outdoor bar close to the central station. There were quite a lot of hot girls, but all in big groups and my French friends were also with their girlfriends. I must admit I hate to be the fifth, the seventh, the ninth, sometimes the eleventh wheel these days. I don't want to have a girlfriend right now, but when I see all my friend's with their wives or their girl friends, I feel a pang of jealousy or envy. I will either go into judgement mode on my friend or their girl/wife. I notice all the tiny little defects on the girl or think they look so stupid together, thinking they are soul mates blah blah... all I think the ego's defence mechanism to feel good. But I don't feel bad to think like that, maybe everyone in my situation feels that way. And I am aware of it, so maybe that is the first step to overcome it.

Also, looking at all the pretty girls out there, some wearing really sexy tiny skirts, overloads my mind with sexual thoughts and at the same time feel frustrated. I ponder, when will I have "access" to such girls? I look at the guys they are with and I feel what the hell do the girls see in them? I am more handsome, smarter, funnier, .etc.... thoughts like that pass over my head. I also observe these thoughts and let them pass. Not feeling bad, just noticing that these thoughts are not serving me, but I have no other thoughts to take their place, they come again and again.

On the train back home, I was with an Italian friend of mine, and there were a bunch of Africans, a bit tipsy, blasting latin dance music on a bluetooth speakers. We started chatting with one of them, he was from Zimbabwe, such a lovely person. We were laughing all the way. He got me into the African spirit of celebration, random meetups and opening up to people.

So all in all, quite interesting day, full of unexpected interactions. I am happy.

Tomorrow, I will have a tough running training with one of my colleagues at lunch time. I want to do something in the evening but I don't know what. I really don't like to go to clubs, but maybe I should do that sometimes rather than sit at home, as the temptation for porn will become too much. The problem is that if I go to bars/clubs, chances are that I will end up watching porn anyways because of the frustrations of watching all the hot girls and getting nothing. So it is a catch 22 situation. Let's see. Let tomorrow worry about itself.

Adios!