Author Topic: The Renewing of my Mind  (Read 44518 times)

Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #100 on: June 23, 2016, 10:27:23 PM »
Wifey was off today, so we were out running errands most of the day.  I have to say, the further I go the more virile I feel.  I feel sharper, more focus and like I'm in the room.  Good Night.

Yo' Mister Carter!  Ooh! Ooh!

fyg

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #101 on: June 24, 2016, 05:52:58 PM »
Great reads!
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Gabriel1960

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #102 on: June 26, 2016, 07:59:47 AM »
Yo Chip.  Great reads. This website needs twenty more men just like you.
Your postings here are an excellent argument for human cloning. 
« Last Edit: June 26, 2016, 08:16:13 AM by Gabriel1960 »

Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #103 on: June 26, 2016, 10:30:16 AM »
Yo Chip.  Great reads. This website needs twenty more men just like you.
Your postings here are an excellent argument for human cloning.
Well thank you buddy, I don't know what to say to that.  I have to say your encouragement is vital as well.  I've always felt a need to encourage others and can literally see their potential and can't resist pointing it out.  Also from years of struggling with porn and not being able to find the help I needed, I'm compelled to be VERY open, honest and descriptive so as to make sure what I'm saying comes across accurately.  Porn is a prison and I'll help anyone who legitimately wants to escape, though I must confess I have zero patients for the dudes that show up here and start dictating terms as they walk thru the door.  If I think somebody is just wanting to manage his porn or refuses to admit they have an actual addiction, goodbye.

Anyway, thanks again for your encouraging words and I look forward to hearing more from you.

fyg

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #104 on: June 26, 2016, 06:07:58 PM »
Yo Chip.  Great reads. This website needs twenty more men just like you.
Your postings here are an excellent argument for human cloning.

Well said, Gabe...

And...

Hey Chip... Nearing the big 5-0, buddy :)
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #105 on: June 26, 2016, 06:28:14 PM »
A friend of mine was recently told that relapsing is normal and not to sweat it, embrace it.  This had the side effect of putting my friend Into a conflicted state, one part of his mind wanted no more PMO, but this new counter thought left him conflicted. Maybe a relapse wouldn't be bad, I mean if it's normal, maybe it's ok...NOT!  I agree that relapses can happen and often do early on in a rebooters journey, however they should not be accepted as a normal course. The whole point of Reboot nation is to leave porn behind, forever, not to limp along continuously starting over.

We are all fail-able, we are imperfect, but victory is attainable. We may forgive a fall and we understand having a fall, but we are never to accept it as a normal state of being.  We are to examine each setback, identify what led to the relapse/lapse and make appropriate adjustments to avoid the same mistake twice.  This is also why I advocate filters and blockers, they can be adjusted to strengthen our defenses. I understand some men prefer to gut it out and that's their choice and I respect it as such. 

To have a different opinion is ones right, but this is my journal, and I won't tolerate people spreading an ideology that is in counter to what is taught by Reboot nation here.  My journal is NOT about putting together streaks, it's about being done with porn/PMO/MO and utilizing every tool at my disposal to achieve permanent lasting victory.
« Last Edit: June 27, 2016, 06:53:12 AM by Chip »

notgivinup

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #106 on: June 27, 2016, 11:20:56 AM »
Hey Chip. Great posts.
What I have read here has helped me today.

Thanks.
NGU

Chip

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Its Time to Fry some Bacon, whose Hungry?
« Reply #107 on: June 28, 2016, 08:53:25 AM »
My friend Boo posted this in his journal this morning and I liked it and thought I'd share it here in my journal too.  He makes the point, with which I agree, that having a "Serious Commitment" is vital to success over porn.  In the end he makes the analogy of an "Egg & Bacon breakfast" and asks the question, "Between the chicken and the pig, who is committed?".  I think that is a great way to describe my past attempts at getting free of porn, I was providing an egg but I had no skin of my own in the game.  My wife didn't kick me out, I didn't have sexual dysfunction, I hadn't lost my job or family, all I had was the knowledge that I was doing something wrong, committing sexual sin.  I think I'd done it so long that my heart was hard to it and the downside of sexual sin, it hadn't hurt me in a meaningful way.  When I realized what my situation was I knew I had to create a situation where failing even once more, would hurt.  I cover this more in depth in my journal. 

So Gentleman, What's it gonna be, are you gonna lay an egg or fry up your bacon?

I've said since I started this reboot that my commitment is very real. Nothing has changed. Here are a few thoughts about my recovery, and yours. My journey started initially back in 2013 by joining YBR. From there I found YBOP. I'm a prolific reader. I read most of what was on YBOP. I  have read numerous journals, completely, on YBR and RN.

I had, as I can remember, about a half dozen resets, with the longest streak being 53 days. Then I left YBR. I came here when RN was new. I had about a 30 day streak but then got disgusted and left. During the time I was gone from RN, I fell into my old habits of acting out about 5 times a week. I would estimate that the total time involved varied from as little as 10 or 15 min. per session to about an hour. Sometimes the craving for dopamine would lead to viewing for as much as 2 hours. I never really "edged". I mostly just wanted to get it over and move on to something else, you know, regular living.

Fast forward to today. I came back here 81 days ago with a serious commitment. Serious Commitment.
Here is what I think about what we currently have available to us in the way external resources : Everything we need in order to recover has already been written, cataloged, reflected on, talked about, journaled about, teeth gnashed about, poured over, suffered about, published, peer reviewed, studied, preached, speeched, teached, presented, chatted about, etc.etc etc.etc. It has been made available from the left, right, above, below, sideways, over, under, eloquently, not-so-eloquently, partially, thoroughly, etc. etc. etc. etc. Am I painting a good picture for you here, or am I being obtuse?

There's only one ingredient missing for those struggling, and it's internal, not external. Yes, you guessed it. I hinted at it above: A Serious Commitment. None of the resources available mean anything until someone is seriously committed. Once your committed, then it's a matter of picking your tools. Don't look for a comfortable way out. There is none. Whatever tools you use, they will make you uncomfortable. Why? Because using the tools takes commitment, and commitment is uncomfortable. Willpower? Forget about it. Willpower has been proven by science to be a finite resource upon which to draw. Filters? Really? Do you want to live a filtered life? Good luck with that. I don't believed you can filter out all the ugliness of life. Do we want our lives to be ruled by filters and counters? I don't. I won't.

I look around here at RN and over at YBR and I see some serious struggle. The extent to which some of the guys have debased themselves is confounding to me. My progression of porn use is explained in some of my earlier posts, BUT, some of the guys in these forums make me feel like an amateur. So, where does that bring us in my little missive here. At the heart of it all, we want to walk away from the PMO life. (Well, some of us truly do). Some are caught up in endless "recoveryism". If nothing else, continuous reboots and participation here at RN has become addictions in and of themselves. That's a proven fact; all you have to do is READ.

I'm just one voice here, who will go silent pretty soon. I know that this post will resonate with some. Others will start to read and then say "oh, it's a bit too long" and move on. Whatever. I just wanted to make one of my final posts here have a practical message and not be filled with a bunch of bullshit. I'm going to come back here incognito and visit from time to time and I guarantee I'm going to see some familiar profiles stuck in recoveryism. My wish for you who are reading this is to distinguish yourselves from the pack and commit to achieving victory over this stuff. Don't give it lip service. Don't try to sound eloquent when you're not truly committed. Don't bullshit yourself. Don't just be "involved' in recovery. Be 'committed" to recovery. I'll end with a little riddle which sums it up.

Question: In a bacon-and-egg breakfast, what's the difference between the Chicken and the Pig?
Answer: The Chicken is involved, but the Pig is committed.

« Last Edit: June 29, 2016, 06:49:03 AM by Chip »

fyg

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #108 on: June 28, 2016, 01:36:06 PM »
Great fucking post Boo. Great fucking re-post Chip. I just went for a p*ss and it hit me, if I don't quit now and get serious, I'm gonna be f***ed for life. I don't want my life to be f***ed.

Then I logged on, posted my own post (100% commitment from this day forward and I WILL NEVER WATCH PORN AGAIN) and saw this post. FANTASTIC!!!

LET'S DO THIS. I'M TOTALLY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS TOO!!!

CONGRATS ON 50 DAYS CHIP!!!



H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Boo

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #109 on: June 28, 2016, 03:51:08 PM »
Congrats on 50 days Bro! It was around the 50 day mark that urges started becoming less for me.

I hope yours are manageable at this point. I would think the "Hard 90' should be easing up a bit for you these days. It's good to hear when you mention "quality" time with the wife. It really helps the reboot move along a bit smoother.

Branch

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #110 on: June 28, 2016, 03:57:33 PM »
Bravo, Chip!  50 days!

Don't know what day it is for me but still drafting behind you!

Keep it going!

NoMorePr0n

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #111 on: June 28, 2016, 04:07:47 PM »
50 days is great chip! Keep it going!

Erasmus_xlt

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #112 on: June 29, 2016, 05:35:53 AM »
Congratulations on making 50.  You made it to your first Day of Atonement; your first Jubilee.  Debts are forgiven, slaves are set free.  You know what it is like to be in bondage to pornography no more.  The draw of the sin is weaker.  Your faith, your love and your resolve is stronger.  You know what is behind you and the path before you.   You know what it takes to be successful and how not to fail. 

Be sober.  Be strong.  Be vigilant.  Your adversary is...



balanced

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #113 on: June 29, 2016, 06:52:53 AM »
Congrats Chip! And I agree with Boo...you have to be committed to a life change to be successful. I think of it like the difference between going on a diet and deciding to change your eating behaviors for good...diets don't last and are focused on the short term achievement of small goals. We have to be committed to getting better, defined as more human, more developed emotionally and spiritually, and that's a lifetime journey. But it's worth it first for ourselves and the richer life we ill experience, and for our loved ones who will experience more of who we really are.

It's good to be sharing in the commitment to growth...

Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #114 on: June 29, 2016, 07:25:24 AM »
Congratulations on making 50.  You made it to your first Day of Atonement; your first Jubilee.  Debts are forgiven, slaves are set free.  You know what it is like to be in bondage to pornography no more.  The draw of the sin is weaker.  Your faith, your love and your resolve is stronger.  You know what is behind you and the path before you.   You know what it takes to be successful and how not to fail. 

Be sober.  Be strong.  Be vigilant.  Your adversary is...
The Devil; who walketh about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.

June 29, 2016
I did not sleep well last night, my wife is a nurse and recently suffered a dirty needle stick at work while treating an IV drug user who was HIV+ and had Hep C.  I must admit that my emotions and thoughts went from pillar to post.  On the one hand being a recovering porn addict I have empathy for those who struggle with addiction.  On the other hand if my wife gets infected because of this man's choices, I don't think I'll take it well.  It would be easier to accept if it were an accident that occured during the normal course of treatment, but it wasn't.  Apparently a friend had snuck him some dope while he was in the hospital and the syringe/needle was tucked under him when he was rushed to the cath lab where my wife works.  My wife reached under him to transfer him to a different table and was sliced by the most likely dirty needle.  It was an emergency situation and so in the heat of the moment, instead of being concerned for her own health she continued to focus on treating him.  She didn't immediately realize it was a needle stick until later and so didn't report it to anyone other than to clean the wound and bandage it.  I'm no where close to porn or PMO or MO, I could care less about that junk, but I am concerned to say the least... :-\

Boo

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #115 on: June 29, 2016, 07:36:10 AM »
Chip,

That is unfortunate, troubling news to hear. My heart goes out to you brother. I'm praying for you and your wife right now. God won't put more on you than you can handle. I'm praying that you're shown favor and that this has the best possible outcome. This world is a filthy, dangerous place at times. I commend your wife's willingness to serve in a sometimes unsavory occupation. Bless you both.

gummianka

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #116 on: June 29, 2016, 08:03:29 AM »
Chip

Sad to hear that. I really hope it will all be good! My thoughts to you and your wife.
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

fyg

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #117 on: June 29, 2016, 10:13:58 AM »
Very sorry to hear that news, Chip. My thoughts are also with you and your wife. I'm hoping everything will be okay.

Sending loving vibes your family's way, buddy.
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #118 on: June 29, 2016, 11:50:22 AM »
Thanks guys, I really appreciate the support. 

notgivinup

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #119 on: June 29, 2016, 02:03:23 PM »
Chip...I'm sorry to hear this.
totally stinks. I will be praying for her and you in this.

NGU

Branch

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #120 on: June 29, 2016, 02:28:46 PM »
I'm so sorry to hear about this, Chip.  I'm wishing you and your wife well, and I'm keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers.

NoMorePr0n

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #121 on: June 29, 2016, 05:56:20 PM »
Chip, I wish you and your wife much strenght in these troubled times :(
stay strong brother!

Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #122 on: June 30, 2016, 07:17:32 AM »
@Gabriel1960  Yes, nurses do take a beating.  My wife was in ER for years, night shift and she saw every manner of wacko.  The hospital was a small rural one(back then), so at night it was just her and 1 doc.  She's been assaulted many times and sexually harassed, so we've both had to adopt thicker skin.  Call me old fashioned but I don't go in for wifey being groped by idiots. 

I convinced her to at least talk to employee health(incident was a week ago) and see what they say.  They told her they could test her, but since its been a week if she tests positive they won't pay for any treatment...  Not surprised that a company wouldn't want to do the right thing, that's SOP.  I did some research on dirty stick infection rates too(while I was unable to sleep) and its something like 0.13% depending on some variables.  If the patient is untreated and has a high infection load, it goes higher and If the wound was more severe, it goes higher, both of these are true.  Even with both of these negative factors in play it still only climbs to less than 1%, which are great odds, but hardly what I'd prefer, obviously.

In regards to why we are here, I'm no closer to PMO.  I have no urges at all for it, but I do still have the occasional thought try to enter my mind, which I deal with immediately.  Its become second nature not to be oggling women even in an admiration kind of way, I reflexively avert my eyes.  To all you guys who maybe are single and fear that changing the way you interact and think about women will alter you in a negative way for a future relationship, Bollocks.  I don't check out the ladies anymore, even accidentally, and I can promise you I have no trouble admiring my wifes assets and according to scripture, that's how it should be.(see Proverbs 5:18-19) My sex life is better than ever and I didn't no I'd been missing out for 20 years.  We'd been cruising along happy, shagging whenever the mood or opportunity presented, without performance issues.  But since beginning my reboot my sensitivity and stamina have increased and wifey seems to be more attracted to me as well.  I think its because, even though she's always been supportive and understood my addiction wasn't caused by a lack of satisfaction with her, that deep down she always wished I could give her my ALL.  She now has it and darn it if she doesn't want more, COOL! 8)

Coming up on a holiday weekend for us in the colonies, so have a safe and Happy 4th.  And to my brothers across the pond, fear not, Brexit won't be the end of you, it may be rough seas for a fashion, but the UK I believe will be better off.  To my blokes down under, I'm still waiting for my egg roll.

Love all you guys and fear not we will be fine.(All of us)

Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #123 on: June 30, 2016, 07:51:15 AM »
Chip, thanks for the post, I agree completely, this aligns with my experience as well...it is soooo worth the effort and focus, it makes my relationship with my wife so much deeper, real and holistically satisfying. Wish I had figured this out 20 years ago.

Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #124 on: June 30, 2016, 08:17:12 AM »
I was just over in another guys thread who was struggling with MO.  Now I never struggled with MO on its own, for me it was PMO or FMO(Fantasy, Masturbation, Orgasm) every time.  Looking at P and MO went together like peanut butter and jelly, didn't want one without the other.  Now I WAS of the opinion that MO without fantasy(single guys) or MO to wifey fantasy were ok, but I have since changed my opinion and here is why.  During my multiple(failed) attempts at rebooting since joining RN I would MO while fantasizing about my wife, but invariably within a few days of this I would PMO and run completely off the rails and end up bingeing. 
Reset, cycle repeats.

You see on those runs that I had to reset I would get these "Super Erections" w/leakage.  Well soon I would find myself touching it in a stimulating way, and in short order I would be so frustrated, MO w/wife fantasy would follow.  Once this happened the progression was my temptation level would rise, more thoughts would attack my mind until finally I just gave in and went hog wild. 
Reset, cycle repeats.

During my latest, best and LAST Reboot I have NOT allowed myself this pleasure.  I made the conscious decision to NO MO and when these "Super Erections" arise I am FORBIDDEN to touch them, even to adjust myself, until the erection has subsided.  Whats interesting is I've experienced a dual bonus, I'm now more sensitive and have better stamina in the bedroom.  BAM!   

Did you know a wild stallion can't reach his full potential until he has been broken and tamed.  I think our stallions have run wild too long, it's time to put them in the corral. 
Let's Giddy Up!
« Last Edit: June 30, 2016, 12:37:20 PM by Chip »