Author Topic: The Renewing of my Mind  (Read 42777 times)

TK-421

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #75 on: June 18, 2016, 12:31:57 AM »
Congrats on 40 days Chip, let's keep going!
I never use porn or masturbate Now.  I am in charge of my life.

NoMorePr0n

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #76 on: June 18, 2016, 01:23:12 AM »
Great job reaching 40 days chip! Stay strong!

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #77 on: June 18, 2016, 03:11:46 AM »
Congratulations Chip! The big 4-0. Thanks for being here man  8)
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #78 on: June 18, 2016, 04:18:41 AM »
Congratulations!  You have made it to your first 40.  You have now been tempted and tested and found to be an overcomer.  You know what it takes to get through this.  You know how to say no.  You know the risks and rewards.  You can do this.

Keep up the good work.  Be wary.  Be on your guard.  Don't relax. Your adversary is still out there and hasn't given up on you yet.  You will be tempted in other nefarious ways.. You have passed the first hurdle of many.  The reprogramming of your brain and body is well on its way. 

Congratulations again brother.  Welcome to the over 40 club.  Next goal: 60 days, 90 days, 120 days and beyond!



Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #79 on: June 18, 2016, 10:12:27 AM »
June 18, 2016(40 Day Milestone)



This is a really special time, to be here and have 40 Days behind me is something, to be honest, at times I never thought it possible.  Like I've shared in my journal, I've been looking for the exit from the PMO "fun house"(sarcasm) since late 2003.  My relationship with porn, erotica and MO took me to dark places I never wanted to go, but I would be lying if I said there was no pleasure involved, albeit fleeting, temporary and hollow.  I was 33 when God showed me just how far I'd wandered off the path He'd laid out for me.  I didn't have a clear direction on how to get free of porn in my life, it'd been there so long and I'd used it to medicate myself so many times, it was my go to for all that ailed me.  I suppose that is the definition of a habit/addiction.  Well PMO was still a new problem, not yet mainstream so for a while I just struggled on my own, but then the first book I came across on sexual addictions fell in my lap, 2004.  It was, "Every Man's Battle" by Stever Arterburn and it got me headed in the right direction and gave me some useful tools.  Next came a website called, "Setting Captives Free", 2007.  SCF, was a scriptural how to on dealing with sexual temptation and addiction, it came with a mentor and lasted 45 Days. 

SCF recommended right from the beginning that I use a filter, but being like a lot of men I've met, I refused.  I'm not exactly sure why its so common for us guys to, on the one hand know we want out, but when a prescription is presented we balk at it.  But if we are truly honest with ourselves and humble, we know if we were that strong we wouldn't be here.  Anyway, so like is so very common I started thru the course and around the 20 day mark I blew it, and as per there requirements I had to return to day 1 and its not like here, where you come and go as you please, I had daily assignments and questions to answer that took an hour or 45 minutes to complete, each day.  So I went back to day 1 and installed a filter they recommended, which wasn't a very good one.  I completed the course this time, but I lied in order to do it because I failed again after defeating the "Not so great" filter.  I continued to use the tools they'd taught me, but I ditched the clunky filter as soon as the course was thru and within my customary 14-21 day time frame I PMO'd again.  I will say my PMO usage went down, it wasn't daily like it had been, but it was still there. 

Fast forward to 2016 and I'm still not 100% where I wanted to be in regards to PMO, I may not be "bed ridden" but I walk with a limp(Metaphor).  I found RN in January and started a journal.  For me I find that even though in my heart I want to be free, to be done with it, there is still a desire, a nudge(though small) inside that just plain likes porn.  I have trouble describing this as accurately as I want to, I know all the logical, scientific and religious reasons I shouldn't want PMO, but there is a lingering taste for it still, if I'm really honest about it.  I will say it is no where as big as it was 40 Days ago, but I do wonder sometimes if it will ever leave completely or is this simply a thorn in my side...  I've found in all my years and all my efforts to de-friend PMO that the most important and vital element that I think success hinges on is, humility.  If a person isn't willing to lay himself bare, expose it all and follow the advice and experience of those who have already gotten free, its unlikely he will find lasting freedom.  I read lots of journals everyday looking for someone who is ready to be helped, but if they start dictating to me terms and things I know are nonsensical, I delete my posts and quietly exit because I have no time for the proud. 

For years I couldn't understand why other people I would meet with so called past addictions where able to, seemingly effortlessly, just wake up one day no longer addicted and never have another single moment of craving or temptation.  For a while I thought I was defective, perhaps damned or unloved by God, that my desperate pleas to get freed went ignored and these others just smiled and went on with life.  Now I know better, they are f#@king liars!  What they pretend to claim sounds wonderful to those they want to impress, but in reality it contradicts scripture which clearly tells us "WE WILL BE TEMPTED", so yeah they may not be giving in, but temptation still exists.  And temptation wouldn't be tempting IF we didn't want it on some level.  So I try to be as explicitly honest as I can about where I am and how I'm doing.  I am 40 Days PMO free, but that taste still makes an appearance from time to time, the key is to NOT answer the door when it knocks on your brain.  If you even crack the door to tell it to go away, the next thing you know it'll be scampering around your brain before you can blink.  Once you let it in, its damn hard to get that SOB back out without giving in.  Every man on here knows what I mean, once those thoughts take root they take off like Krazy Kudzu.  Be humble, Be vigilant and take every thought caprive, nobody gets in without a pass.

The men who have carried me thus far, my brothers in arms:
Branch
Boo
William(my mentor)
FYG
Erasmus_xlt
TK-421
Malando
NoMorePrOn

Each and everyone of you have played a part and made these 40 Days possible.  Thank you all for your support, wisdom and friendship.
« Last Edit: July 11, 2016, 08:16:35 PM by Chip »

Boo

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #80 on: June 18, 2016, 10:17:41 AM »
Great resilience Chip. You'll be at 90 before you know it.

TK-421

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #81 on: June 18, 2016, 12:23:24 PM »
Well said Chip. I can relate to much of what you have said and appreciate your honesty. I don't think we should beat ourselves up because the desire is still there at some level. It's normal to have sexual impulses, they are there for a reason. The difference I feel know is that I feel like I don't have to act on those thoughts and urges. When I was in the midst of compulsive sexual behaviour, pretty much any sexual thought that popped into my head could be acted on. It seemed like I had no control. Now a sexual thought can come - I can see an attractive woman or think about a sexual thought, but I don't need to act on it. I don't need to let it get out of control.

One huge difference now is that we've drawn a line in the sand. We've given up porn and jerking off for 90 days. I know that it can't and won't just be that when we hit 90 days that this all ends. As I get closer to 90, I am intending to start thinking about what life will be like then and what my strategies will be. For now, one day at a time as we put this shit in the rear view mirror.

Thanks for the shout out too, you have been very helpful to me too and I appreciate your comments in my journal.

TK-421
I never use porn or masturbate Now.  I am in charge of my life.

NoMorePr0n

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #82 on: June 18, 2016, 05:19:38 PM »
Thanks man! You calling me your brother in arms really means a lot to me. I didn't have a very good day today and withdrawels have come to haunt me. I'll update my own journal tomorrow but I'd better go to bed now as i'm a little bit drunk. Hang in there brother!

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #83 on: June 18, 2016, 07:30:47 PM »
A heartfelt post Chip. You're gonna get there Brother!

Cheers & Respect!!
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fidoplay

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #84 on: June 18, 2016, 10:11:23 PM »
May 5th, 2016
(Re-lapsed May 4th, 2016)

I Found a hole in my defenses yesterday and went crazy for a few hours.  The hole is now blocked but I wanted to go back and elaborate a little more on my path to where I am now.  Its disheartening for sure to relapse again, I've done it more times than I can recall and I am ashamed.  The last time I did it I felt so bad I stayed away for a week and then deleted my old account and started again with a new name.  I didn't want to do that this time, on the outside chance my struggle can help someone else find freedom.  There is a man on here named William, he's been free now something like 1000 days, I envy that.  I credit William's honesty and openness with me doing better than I have in a long while.  I followed William's advice and went over to the No-Fap site he'd written on prior to RN and read some of his experiences.  If you've never read his post I recommend you do. 

Below are links to William
http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?3549-Action!-or-not!!!-Have-you-actually-Prepared-for-it
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=1256.0;topicseen

At 8 I was introduced to porn by a neighborhood friend, just Magazines at first but there were a lot in his fathers collection, perhaps 200 mags and posters.
At 12 I discovered cable TV and adult channels, hacked my cable box and began to PMO.
At 14 I was watching porn every day/night, whenever I got the opportunity and was PMO'ing 3 to 5 times a day.
At 16 I'd progressed to fantasizing and making my own audio recordings to augment my magazine/cable/PMO sessions. 
At 17 a girl I'd fallen in love with was killed in an auto mobile accident and I withdrew deeper into my Fantasy/PMO habit. 
I began therapy after this to deal with the depression and loss but nothing was ever mentioned about porn or masturbation. 
After a few months he declared me normal with above average intelligence and a positive outlook for the future.

At 18
I begin purchasing my own mags and started a collection.  I also made friends with a girl who shared with me her sexual
exploits and I began weaving them into stories I wrote and shared with friends.  I'd stay up every night writing, fantasizing and
masturbating until I was exhausted.

At 20 my addiction had grown from a small fire into a raging inferno, I looked around at my life and what I was doing and was
completely ashamed.  I was so disgusted with my escalation and convicted in my soul over my Porn/Fantasy MO addiction that I set out
to destroy my entire collection.  I burned my mags in the fireplace, erased all my audio fantasy recordings, deleted all my erotic stories
and UN-hacked my cable box.  I begged God for forgiveness and vowed to stay away from any porn. 

Eradicating all that shit from my life really helped me a lot, I felt better and became more outgoing and less shy towards women, but what I didn't realize was that porn & lust are one in the same.  I made a mistake, as young men often do and kept that girl in my life who was sharing her sexual exploits with me, you see I thought I'd fallen in love with her.  In hindsight it was only lust and fixation, but to my young mans mind and libido she was exactly what i thought I wanted, she just needed reforming.  Her stories kept my mind ablaze with fantasy and I continued to masturbate at least a couple of times a day.  She was dating someone else at the time, a guy who was a world class loser, but I guess bad boys are just as appealing to girls the way bad girls can appeal to us.  I told myself I was just biding my time, eventually she'd see what a waste he was and how loyal and true I was, at least I had a job and a drivers license.  It never happened, he got her pregnant finally with all that activity and simultaneously got arrested for drugs, how marvelous.  She moved out of state to live with family and I was left with nothing but memories, fantasy and my masturbation.  I don't remember how or when the mags found their way back into my life but they did and if the occasional feelings of guilt or conviction ever arouse I just told myself I was educating myself for future marriage sex.  Regardless of whatever excuse I tried to sell my conscience, I still couldn't escape the guilt and shame of what I was doing. 

I was raised in a Christian home and I was able for the most part to keep my parents in the dark about my addiction growing up.  I am also a Christian today, albeit sometimes a miserable one and I'm sure I have done damage to my witness.  I believe the scripture is very clear on lust and fornication, so to me porn, masturbating and fantasy about anyone other than my wife is plainly, "SIN".  I know some on here will be offended or disagree with my blunt assessment, but that is how I see it.  However, I will not throw this up to anyone else, I only throw it at myself. 

At 22 I met the beautiful girl who would become my wife and I confided in her my struggle with PMO. 
At 25 we married, but she was in school and I had free time in the evenings and I explored PPV adult movies, my idle hands found something to keep them occupied. 
At 28 we got internet service for the first time and right away I discovered that internet porn was just too easy and accessible to ignore. 
At 29 when she graduated college we worked different shifts, so I'd be home alone most nights, just me and the PC or Pay Per View cable. 

Please understand I do NOT blame her for my inability to control myself when she wasn't home, she always made up for it when she was, but PMO
isn't about sex.  My addiction began to reimerge and became more and more troublesome.  There was the constant guilt, but at night I couldn't get to sleep
most nights unless I snuck off to PMO.

At 33 I was home sick with the flu and read the book, "She said, Yes" by Misty Bernall, the mother of a girl killed at Columbine. 
This book had a profound affect on me, I knew when I finished it that I wanted the kind of relationship her daughter had with God.  My current PMO
kept my relationship to God hindered and virtually dead and I wanted to find a way out.  I installed a filter, but the early ones weren't very good. 
I read books, Like "Every man's Battle" did special online Bible studies like "Setting captives Free", but I still would relapse every so often.  I knew
from past experience that will power alone isn't enough, so I began reading and researching everything available in regards to sexual addictions. 
I looked for a friend I could confide in or someone in the church I could reach out to, but back then it wasn't a well known problem.  I think most people,
at least most women don't believe it is an addiction, the rest just think this it is our natural male behavior.  To me it is our natural, God given desire, intended
for our wives alone, twisted into a perverted, wild, lusty, entangling mess.  This is my journal of my journey out of the pit, that I helped dig and it has led me
here.  I hope I can encourage others and be encouraged as well.

At 45 I found RN and I'm positive with my renewed efforts, dedication and the support of my fellow RN peeps that I too will eventually be able to say I am 1000 days free.

May 9, 2016 I finally found a line I wouldn't cross and became, "A Man Who Quit Porn."  Turns out, it was all a matter of leverage.

June 18, 2016  ***Reached 40 Days, NO PMO.***




I quickly read most your post need to spend more time on it to finish it to be honest. Though why I am commenting is that I as well suppose to be a Christian(Son of God) have had sense childhood an issue here. I find the devils tactic is to Shame us once we sin so we fall under condemnation of the Law of Moses(Condemnation & Death) instead of the Grace & Truth(Jesus). I'm still learning to experience this Grace we have through Faith "Alone" Romans 4 as it is written by Paul. Now some will say its an excuse to sin but I believe real Grace will break our shame and the Sin circle will break through the Holy Spirit. Shame can only lead to death and condemnation and more shame and condemnation. Grace&Truth(Jesus) Should lead you and me to LIFE! I pray we both find this power of Grace to break the chains we need broken in our pasts and lives! I hope this was a blessing and somewhat helpful as I am in process at last myself!

Gabriel1960

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #85 on: June 19, 2016, 09:55:58 AM »
Congratulations Chip.  40 days is huge.

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #86 on: June 19, 2016, 08:34:03 PM »
Congrats on the milestone, Chip...stay vigilant!

Gabriel1960

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #87 on: June 21, 2016, 07:02:51 AM »
'Sup.

Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #88 on: June 21, 2016, 12:08:17 PM »
Felt a kinda... wobbly yesterday, but I am better today and still PMO free.  I was up till probably 3 wrestling with old clips and images making appearances in my mind, I'm usually asleep by 10 or 11.  I guess since my mind has been quiet an undisturbed for 42 days, a small spark set off a fire in my brain and I had to wait for it to burn out.  The temptation seemed to be like a tempest in my mind, I managed to hang on and its quiet today, but it was unsettling.  I'm very careful as to what I watch on TV & Movies so as not to wake the beast.  I mainly watch old shows on Netflix/HULU, like Emergency!(1974) or Sherlock Holmes and a couple of days ago they had a surprise woman come to the fire station in an episode.  In real life I practice averting my eyes when shapely women cross my path or do things that provide a visual opportunity.  I make it a point to look them in the eye and don't allow myself to feast on their physical attributes.  This character when she appeared was astonishingly well designed and I was mesmerized instantly.  I completely dropped my guard, I dunno if I was lazy because its not a sexual kind of show, but I eagerly let the thought of her enter my mind.  Over the next two days it buzzed around like an annoying fly in and out of my thoughts, but last night I just felt like it intensified.  I ended up just laying in bed, with a raging erection but even though I was tempted to give in and have the release of MO, I just refused to touch myself, even to adjust, I just refused.  It was off and on for maybe 3 hours and then gradually the urge, the images and my erection all slowly subsided and I was able to get to sleep.  I actually went in the bathroom and looked myself in the mirror and told myself, I'm not gonna do this, if I have to stay up all night, so be it.

That's kind of a huge deal for me, I never was one to just look and not MO, that was the whole point for me, getting off.  In years past I would've just given in, Mo'd just so I could sleep and tell myself I'd start again tomorrow.  I was able to withstand it, never done that before.  It is my fault I found myself wrestling last night, I shouldn't have let that lovely lass into my thoughts.  I'm always preaching to take thoughts captive and I let one slide and it was anything but fun.  The wifes been away since friday and returns home today and I dare say I have a surprise for her.  Anywho that's how I am, how are you?

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #89 on: June 21, 2016, 12:40:26 PM »
Congrats again, Chip! You dealt with that one like a Champ (to use another RN Bro's lingo). I wonder whether the well designed female was tapping into what William refers to as your body/mind triggering on less and less powerful stuff in able to get a 'hit'. I don't know whether that fits for you, or maybe what Boo said to me the other day... that, 'We're just programmed for that' (not verbatim), and then countered with what you said to me the other day, "we were never meant to have to fight this hard against our natural desires, but we put ourselves in the hole and now the only way back is to abstain, to endure and ignore our warped urges until the debt is repaid to ourselves.".

Bravo, again, again, Brother!
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #90 on: June 21, 2016, 07:48:36 PM »
Congrats again, Chip! You dealt with that one like a Champ (to use another RN Bro's lingo). I wonder whether the well designed female was tapping into what William refers to as your body/mind triggering on less and less powerful stuff in able to get a 'hit'. I don't know whether that fits for you, or maybe what Boo said to me the other day... that, 'We're just programmed for that' (not verbatim), and then countered with what you said to me the other day, "we were never meant to have to fight this hard against our natural desires, but we put ourselves in the hole and now the only way back is to abstain, to endure and ignore our warped urges until the debt is repaid to ourselves.".

Bravo, again, again, Brother!
Thank you FYG, over here we'd say, "You hit The Nail on the Head".  Thank you for reminding of what I've said and I believe William was spot on with his assertion too, that the mind as it bit by bit reaches reboot status, that it takes less and less to ignite the old fire.  Lessened learned fellas, even though the dragon may be sleeping, he ain't exactly dead yet and it was scary having him roar and blow fire in my direction.  I don't want to start over, but I guess with each round the stakes get higher.  Something I've gotta add, I apologize if its triggery in nature, but I think its worth sharing.  The whole time me and my wife have been together going back to when we were dating I already had a PMO addiction going.  Our sex life has always been spot on and I had no reason to think what I was doing was effecting it or me.  I now have proof that getting off porn and living life without it, IS THE WAY TO GO! I've been on my streak now 43 days, my wife works and is in college, so fun time has been taking a backseat recently as well as illness and crazy work schedules getting in the way.  I'm not sure how long its been exactly, but more than a minute.  After last nights roust and things quieted down, I was still a bit charged, if you know what I mean.  Well today she finally came home after being gone for like 5 days straight.  After we ate, we showered together and then the sex we had was so mind blowing, 2 hours later I'm still weak in my legs!!!  In 21 years of marriage I've never had it be so intensively good.  Wow!  I hope that doesn't trigger anyone I just wanted to share that, as it gives something more to look forward to after PMO, LIFE, IS BETTER WITHOUT IT!

TK-421

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #91 on: June 21, 2016, 09:02:57 PM »
Felt a kinda... wobbly yesterday, but I am better today and still PMO free.  I was up till probably 3 wrestling with old clips and images making appearances in my mind, I'm usually asleep by 10 or 11.  I guess since my mind has been quiet an undisturbed for 42 days, a small spark set off a fire in my brain and I had to wait for it to burn out.  The temptation seemed to be like a tempest in my mind, I managed to hang on and its quiet today, but it was unsettling.  I'm very careful as to what I watch on TV & Movies so as not to wake the beast.  I mainly watch old shows on Netflix/HULU, like Emergency!(1974) or Sherlock Holmes and a couple of days ago they had a surprise woman come to the fire station in an episode.  In real life I practice averting my eyes when shapely women cross my path or do things that provide a visual opportunity.  I make it a point to look them in the eye and don't allow myself to feast on their physical attributes.  This character when she appeared was astonishingly well designed and I was mesmerized instantly.  I completely dropped my guard, I dunno if I was lazy because its not a sexual kind of show, but I eagerly let the thought of her enter my mind.  Over the next two days it buzzed around like an annoying fly in and out of my thoughts, but last night I just felt like it intensified.  I ended up just laying in bed, with a raging erection but even though I was tempted to give in and have the release of MO, I just refused to touch myself, even to adjust, I just refused.  It was off and on for maybe 3 hours and then gradually the urge, the images and my erection all slowly subsided and I was able to get to sleep.  I actually went in the bathroom and looked myself in the mirror and told myself, I'm not gonna do this, if I have to stay up all night, so be it.

That's kind of a huge deal for me, I never was one to just look and not MO, that was the whole point for me, getting off.  In years past I would've just given in, Mo'd just so I could sleep and tell myself I'd start again tomorrow.  I was able to withstand it, never done that before.  It is my fault I found myself wrestling last night, I shouldn't have let that lovely lass into my thoughts.  I'm always preaching to take thoughts captive and I let one slide and it was anything but fun.  The wifes been away since friday and returns home today and I dare say I have a surprise for her.  Anywho that's how I am, how are you?

That's really interesting Chip. We have the same amount of time in and I also had a "wobbly" day yesterday after smooth sailing for quite a while. Mine started with a very vivid dream that I was having sex with someone from my past and the whole day after that was sexually charged and one of the hardest I've had through the reboot. It's a good reminder of how tricky this is and how one has to stay vigilant. I don't know if I'll ever be "in the clear" because I know how easy it can be for the old desire to come on quickly. Actually, now that I think about it, I did inadvertently see some triggering stuff the day before I had the vivid dream, so maybe that's what started it. Anyways, let's keep embracing the withdrawals, glad we both made it through.
I never use porn or masturbate Now.  I am in charge of my life.

Gabriel1960

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #92 on: June 21, 2016, 10:19:26 PM »
My AA Sponsor has requested that every time I pass through a doorway, that I recite the meditation:  "Thy will, not mine, be done."
I try to do it every day.  Not aways successful.

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #93 on: June 22, 2016, 04:06:07 AM »
Congrats again, Chip! You dealt with that one like a Champ (to use another RN Bro's lingo). I wonder whether the well designed female was tapping into what William refers to as your body/mind triggering on less and less powerful stuff in able to get a 'hit'. I don't know whether that fits for you, or maybe what Boo said to me the other day... that, 'We're just programmed for that' (not verbatim), and then countered with what you said to me the other day, "we were never meant to have to fight this hard against our natural desires, but we put ourselves in the hole and now the only way back is to abstain, to endure and ignore our warped urges until the debt is repaid to ourselves.".

Bravo, again, again, Brother!
Thank you FYG, over here we'd say, "You hit The Nail on the Head".  Thank you for reminding of what I've said and I believe William was spot on with his assertion too, that the mind as it bit by bit reaches reboot status, that it takes less and less to ignite the old fire.  Lessened learned fellas, even though the dragon may be sleeping, he ain't exactly dead yet and it was scary having him roar and blow fire in my direction.  I don't want to start over, but I guess with each round the stakes get higher.  Something I've gotta add, I apologize if its triggery in nature, but I think its worth sharing.  The whole time me and my wife have been together going back to when we were dating I already had a PMO addiction going.  Our sex life has always been spot on and I had no reason to think what I was doing was effecting it or me.  I now have proof that getting off porn and living life without it, IS THE WAY TO GO! I've been on my streak now 43 days, my wife works and is in college, so fun time has been taking a backseat recently as well as illness and crazy work schedules getting in the way.  I'm not sure how long its been exactly, but more than a minute.  After last nights roust and things quieted down, I was still a bit charged, if you know what I mean.  Well today she finally came home after being gone for like 5 days straight.  After we ate, we showered together and then the sex we had was so mind blowing, 2 hours later I'm still weak in my legs!!!  In 21 years of marriage I've never had it be so intensively good.  Wow!  I hope that doesn't trigger anyone I just wanted to share that, as it gives something more to look forward to after PMO, LIFE, IS BETTER WITHOUT IT!

Great post Chip. Super-congrats & Stay Vigilant. We say "You hit The Nail on the Head" over here too. Sweet ;)
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #94 on: June 22, 2016, 04:08:38 AM »
Felt a kinda... wobbly yesterday, but I am better today and still PMO free.  I was up till probably 3 wrestling with old clips and images making appearances in my mind, I'm usually asleep by 10 or 11.  I guess since my mind has been quiet an undisturbed for 42 days, a small spark set off a fire in my brain and I had to wait for it to burn out.  The temptation seemed to be like a tempest in my mind, I managed to hang on and its quiet today, but it was unsettling.  I'm very careful as to what I watch on TV & Movies so as not to wake the beast.  I mainly watch old shows on Netflix/HULU, like Emergency!(1974) or Sherlock Holmes and a couple of days ago they had a surprise woman come to the fire station in an episode.  In real life I practice averting my eyes when shapely women cross my path or do things that provide a visual opportunity.  I make it a point to look them in the eye and don't allow myself to feast on their physical attributes.  This character when she appeared was astonishingly well designed and I was mesmerized instantly.  I completely dropped my guard, I dunno if I was lazy because its not a sexual kind of show, but I eagerly let the thought of her enter my mind.  Over the next two days it buzzed around like an annoying fly in and out of my thoughts, but last night I just felt like it intensified.  I ended up just laying in bed, with a raging erection but even though I was tempted to give in and have the release of MO, I just refused to touch myself, even to adjust, I just refused.  It was off and on for maybe 3 hours and then gradually the urge, the images and my erection all slowly subsided and I was able to get to sleep.  I actually went in the bathroom and looked myself in the mirror and told myself, I'm not gonna do this, if I have to stay up all night, so be it.

That's kind of a huge deal for me, I never was one to just look and not MO, that was the whole point for me, getting off.  In years past I would've just given in, Mo'd just so I could sleep and tell myself I'd start again tomorrow.  I was able to withstand it, never done that before.  It is my fault I found myself wrestling last night, I shouldn't have let that lovely lass into my thoughts.  I'm always preaching to take thoughts captive and I let one slide and it was anything but fun.  The wifes been away since friday and returns home today and I dare say I have a surprise for her.  Anywho that's how I am, how are you?

That's really interesting Chip. We have the same amount of time in and I also had a "wobbly" day yesterday after smooth sailing for quite a while. Mine started with a very vivid dream that I was having sex with someone from my past and the whole day after that was sexually charged and one of the hardest I've had through the reboot. It's a good reminder of how tricky this is and how one has to stay vigilant. I don't know if I'll ever be "in the clear" because I know how easy it can be for the old desire to come on quickly. Actually, now that I think about it, I did inadvertently see some triggering stuff the day before I had the vivid dream, so maybe that's what started it. Anyways, let's keep embracing the withdrawals, glad we both made it through.
I'm glad you both made it through, too guys. I'm nobody special to say that. But wanted to say it nonetheless.

Respect!

edit: think lots of us RN Brothers have been having wobbles lately :)
« Last Edit: June 22, 2016, 04:10:20 AM by fyg »
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #95 on: June 22, 2016, 06:43:37 AM »
My AA Sponsor has requested that every time I pass through a doorway, that I recite the meditation:  "Thy will, not mine, be done."
I try to do it every day.  Not aways successful.
That's good advice, I'll try and remember to do that.


I'm glad you both made it through, too guys. I'm nobody special to say that. But wanted to say it nonetheless.

Respect!

edit: think lots of us RN Brothers have been having wobbles lately :)
You are so wrong, you couldn't be more wrong.  You are somebody special, you are pivotal, integral and a very important part of my recovery and some other blokes too.  You may ramble a bit sometimes ;), we all do, but we need the skills and experience we all bring to the table to make this go.  Keep it up and never be concerned because you are tops in my book.

fyg

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #96 on: June 22, 2016, 06:49:52 AM »
Well, sh*t... Thank you, Bro. I didn't expect that. You're right we need all the skills we bring. No rambles this time ;)

Quick P.S: Thanks buddy. You're pivotal to my recovery too. And not just sayin' it.

Respect!
« Last Edit: June 22, 2016, 07:15:06 AM by fyg »
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #97 on: June 22, 2016, 07:09:24 AM »
I was over in Williams posting when I suddenly realized where I was and maybe it explains the wobbly day TK and I had recently, DeltaFosB.  I purposely lately have been dialing down my RN time as a way of not obsessing or as a way of keeping any PMO thoughts away.  In so doing I forgot where I was in the time schedule, the DeltaFosB draw down starts at 42 Days and runs thru 56 Days(YMMV).  This may be a contributor to things as well as being a component of Williams assertion that it takes less to ignite the furnace, the further we go.  I guess the fumes build up or something... :o

Boo

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #98 on: June 22, 2016, 04:32:43 PM »
I was over in Williams posting when I suddenly realized where I was and maybe it explains the wobbly day TK and I had recently, DeltaFosB.  I purposely lately have been dialing down my RN time as a way of not obsessing or as a way of keeping any PMO thoughts away.  In so doing I forgot where I was in the time schedule, the DeltaFosB draw down starts at 42 Days and runs thru 56 Days(YMMV).  This may be a contributor to things as well as being a component of Williams assertion that it takes less to ignite the furnace, the further we go.  I guess the fumes build up or something... :o

Everything you said here is true to my experience. It will get better. Hang tough Bro. You're doing good.

Branch

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #99 on: June 22, 2016, 06:01:24 PM »
40 days! And more! Congratulations!