Author Topic: The Renewing of my Mind  (Read 42810 times)

Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #50 on: June 06, 2016, 07:48:25 AM »
June 6, 2016

Thought I'd share some milestones I've passed on my journey and list the ones I'm looking forward to as well.

Milestones on the path to Renewing My Mind:

0 - 13 days, This was a tricky time for me, the habitual use of porn was a daily routine and now it'd gone missing.  What to do?  The first few days, after coming off a binge, always seemed so easy, but its because my brain was still SWIMMING in Dopamine and made me believe I didn't need things like filters, I felt strong.  This time was critical I think to have filters and blockers and to have NO devices.  I made up my mind, the habit must be broken and COLD TURKEY is the only successful way, cutting down just prolongs the pain indefinitely.

14 - 21 days, From my experience, once I reach this zone I'm far enough from my last fall that I forget the pain of lapsing/relapsing and only remember the pleasure and revert to old habits for comfort.  Its kinda like swinging from vine to vine and your in mid air between them for a moment.  In that moment I'm adrift, I havent reached the next level, but I'm feeling empty and restless from the absince of the Dopamine and PMO behavior.  I've learned this is just your brain crying out for a, Dopamine Blast(Not a Sports Drink).  Cycle repeats unless measures taken to interrupt it.  Understand, you don't have to MO to cause an elevation in your brains dopamine levels, just looking at porn or p-subs is enough.  P-subs can be scantily clad women in car mags, FB pix, lingerie ads, checking out women and on and on.  If you get a charge from it, you got a Dopamine Blast.  So cut it all out, the music, the tv, the dvds and the web porn.  its all gotta go or you will NEVER escape!

22-41 days, This is the area I'm in now,  I have some random brain fog, this past weekend and a few random thoughts popped up today, but I dealt with them quickly and moved on.  I'm in an area I haven't been in, in probably 8 years, that's the last time I went 40 days PMO free during an online study course called, "Setting Captives Free".  During that course I lapsed 2 times and had to restart before going PMO free all the way through.  In all honesty I think it was a good course and it helped a lot of guys, but sadly my lack of motivation to "stay sober" and its shorter time frame than whats probably needed to Reboot, led to my eventually fully relapsing shortly after completing it.  I also at that time was NOT in favor of filters and dumped mine after graduation.  I know myself better now and so I'm utilizing a Filter(K9) and a Blocker(Pluckeye) in tandem.  In my heart of hearts I want this to be my last time around, life is too short to spend it sitting at a PC with my pants around my ankles.(Too Honest?)

6-8 weeks, the DeltaFosB begins to leave the brain.  DeltaFosB is the foundation for building habits, both bad and good. 
It makes the neural pathways more conductive, so it essentially makes PMO, "The Path of least Resistance".

90 Days+(Your Mileage may vary), the DeltaFosB has cleared your system in the areas you have restricted and new healthier habits can now be built to replace the old.
« Last Edit: June 14, 2016, 12:51:45 PM by Chip »

Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #51 on: June 07, 2016, 10:52:21 AM »
June 7, 2016

Today my wife and I begin our Stay-cation, its a good time for us.  Tomorrow I will be 30 days Free & Sober from a 37 or so year addiction to porn.  I have a host of friends here on RN that all contributed to this success and I thank you all.  As a Christ Follower, I believe each and every one of you were put in my path by God to encourage and uplift me.  I hope I can do the same for you.  The Bible teaches that He works in mysterious ways and He does.  I don't know why its taken me so long to reach this point, to finally have the resolve to seriously dedicate myself to honestly getting free, but if what I'm going thru can help just one other person find freedom, I'll be happy.  Porn is a killer and a thief, he takes your time, your money, your health and your relationships.  If you are currently playing with porn and think you can control it, think again because "IT" is controlling you. 

Our Father God, the creator of all things, wants to bless you with so much more, so much more.  Do Not Waste Another Day, The Bible promises that, "He" Is faithful and Just to forgive us, if we only confess what we've done, ask for His forgiveness and help, and Repent.  Repenting is simply turning away from the path of porn and lust and taking steps in the opposite direction in a meaningful way.  Whenever I've had a fall or felt excessively tempted I like to read 1 John 1:9 and earnestly pray that he give me a clear mind.  You'll be amazed how quickly this can work for you. 

Early on you'll most likely experience some setbacks, I have.  This battle is waged in the mind and its a spiritual battle, but also a neuro-chemical one as well.  Your brain has become addicted to "Dopamine" and Satan will provide plenty of temptation to push you to give in to the urge for a Dopamine hit.  As you progress and experience setbacks you'll find pics you forgot you saved and movie files you forgot about and you'll be tempted and you may give in, we all have at some point.  When and if this happens to you, Do Not Become discouraged, especially when first starting out.  We didn't wake up yesterday in porn, most of us have been with it for years, even decades, so getting out may not be a smooth quick exit.  However, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step", they say, so get walking.  But it takes a serious dedication on our parts and I like to ask this question of myself, as a reminder.

What is the Measure of Your Resolve to Quit Porn?

Part of the journey to freedom involves learning and education, so if you don't understand my question, look it up, You've got Google.  Also, and I post this a lot, check out William's thread in the "Porn addiction" section, its full of wisdom and education that you need.  This thread was pivotal in getting me to this point.  The Link is below.

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=1256.0

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #52 on: June 07, 2016, 01:45:50 PM »
June 6, 2016

Thought I'd share some milestones I've passed on my journey and list the ones I'm looking forward to as well.

Milestones on the path to Renewing My Mind:

0 - 13 days, This was a tricky time for me, the habitual use of porn was a daily routine and now it'd gone missing.  What to do?  The first few days, after coming off a binge, always seemed so easy, but its because my brain was still SWIMMING in Dopamine and made me believe I didn't need things like filters, I felt strong.  This time was critical I think to have filters and blockers and to have NO devices.  I made up my mind, the habit must be broken and COLD TURKEY is the only successful way, cutting down just prolongs the pain indefinitely.

14 - 21 days, From my experience, once I reach this zone I'm far enough from my last fall that I forget the pain of lapsing/relapsing and only remember the pleasure and revert to old habits for comfort.  Its kinda like swinging from vine to vine and your in mid air between them for a moment.  In that moment I'm adrift, I havent reached the next level, but I'm feeling empty and restless from the absince of the Dopamine and PMO behavior.  I've learned this is just your brain crying out for a, Dopamine Blast(Not a Sports Drink).  Cycle repeats unless measures taken to interrupt it.  Understand, you don't have to MO to cause an elevation in your brains dopamine levels, just looking at porn or p-subs(porn substitutes) is enough.  P-subs can be scantily clad women in car mags, FB pix, lingerie ads, checking out women and on and on.  If you get a charge from it, you got a Dopamine Blast.  So cut it all out, the music, the tv, the dvds and the web porn.  its all gotta go or you will NEVER escape!

22-42 days, This is the area I'm in now and why my first counter stops out at 45 days.  I had some random brain fog this past weekend and a few random thoughts pop up today, but I dealt with them quickly and moved on.  I'm in an area I havent been in, in probably 8 years, that's the last time I went 40 days PMO free during an online study course called, "Setting Captives Free".  During that course I lapsed 2 times and had to restart before going PMO free all the way through.  In all honesty I think it was a good course and it helped a lot of guys, but sadly my lack of motivation to "stay sober" and its shorter time frame than whats probably needed to Reboot, led to my eventually fully relapsing shortly after completing it.  I also at that time was NOT in favor of filters and dumped mine after graduation.  I know myself better now and so I'm utilizing a Filter(K9) and a Blocker(Pluckeye) in tandem.  In my heart of hearts I want this to be my last time around, life is too short to spend it sitting at a PC with my pants around my ankles.(Too Honest?)

6-8 weeks, the DeltaFosB begins to leave the brain.  DeltaFosB is the foundation for building habits, both bad and good. 
It makes the neural pathways more conductive, so it essentially makes PMO, "The Path of least Resistance".

90 Days+(Your Mileage may vary), the DeltaFosB has cleared your system in the areas you have restricted and new healthier habits can now be built to replace the old.

This is spot on and mirrors my experience pretty much to the letter. Keep on going Chip!
I never use porn or masturbate Now.  I am in charge of my life.

Boo

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #53 on: June 07, 2016, 01:50:05 PM »
Looking good Chip. Lots of instruction and encouragement in these last few posts. You're going to make it Bro, I know.

Branch

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #54 on: June 08, 2016, 04:42:07 AM »
30 days after 37 years is a real accomplishment.  Keep it going!

Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #55 on: June 08, 2016, 08:09:21 AM »
Thank you all, its a great time in my life.  I can feel the pull to indulge weakening and my own strength increasing with every passing day.  I'm no fool, this is rare air for me so continuing to be vigilant is paramount to success.  June, 9 1995 I married my lovely bride and tomorrow we celebrate 21 years together. 

Peace to my RN brothers,

Chip

Boo

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #56 on: June 08, 2016, 08:19:15 AM »
Thank you all, its a great time in my life.  I can feel the pull to indulge weakening and my own strength increasing with every passing day.  I'm no fool, this is rare air for me so continuing to be vigilant is paramount to success.  June, 9 1995 I married my lovely bride and tomorrow we celebrate 21 years together. 

Peace to my RN brothers,

Chip

Happy Anniversary Bro! Congrats on 30 days. Let's make NOMO June a reality as well.

"A MAN Quitting Porn " Yes, that's what you are.
« Last Edit: June 08, 2016, 08:33:26 AM by Boo »

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #57 on: June 08, 2016, 09:11:19 AM »
Congratulations on 30 days, Chip! Nice one, Bro ;) Woo Hoo!
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #58 on: June 08, 2016, 09:12:27 AM »
I can't fit anymore counters in my signature box  :D or I would track June too, but I'm NOMO since May 9th. 

Chip

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Utah declared pornography a public health crisis
« Reply #59 on: June 08, 2016, 09:25:01 AM »
Hey I just got this in my inbox and thought I'd share it with my RN Brethren.

"Utah declared pornography a public health crisis"

http://le.utah.gov/~2016/bills/static/SCR009.html

It has been just over one month now, and all over the Internet, people have been sharing their thoughts about it.
 
The resolution is “non-binding,” which means that it doesn’t ban porn or lead to any new policies. The resolution calls for education, prevention, further research, and policy changes to “address the pornographic epidemic that is harming the citizens of Utah and the nation.”
 
For many people in the NoFap community and at similar organizations, this was long-awaited validation for an affliction that many thousands of people have been struggling with and overcoming. However, across the Internet, many commenters bashed Utah lawmakers and activists for supposedly imposing their moral or religious beliefs onto the legislative process, discounting the idea that porn addiction could be anything but a religious concoction.
 
NoFap is proud to be a secular platform that is available to everybody, regardless of faith or lack thereof. While NoFap is inclusive of our religious Fapstronauts, we prefer to approach the issue of porn addiction from a secular, science-based perspective. That way, everybody can relate to and understand our positions. Porn addiction is a human problem, not just a religious one.
 
Some of my thoughts on this resolution are detailed in my Washington Post “OpEd” article, “We need to talk about porn.”

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/in-theory/wp/2016/05/26/the-conversation-were-not-having-about-porn/

Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #60 on: June 09, 2016, 11:24:15 AM »
June 9th, 2016

Today I'm in some rare air for me, 31 Days is the farthest I've been since 2007.  I've had 3 resets I think since I first joined RN, counting both accounts.  Had streaks of 18,17, 20 and now 31.  I give credit to God first and foremost, then my wife who's been nothing but supportive.  But without my RN brethren I do not think I would be where I am today.  Its true what the Bible says, "Iron sharpens Iron".  We all grow stronger and wiser as we draw from each others strengths and experience, I like it.  I think the biggest part of a man getting free of porn is first admitting it can no longer have a place in his life.  The ones who secretly harbor a desire to hold onto some small remnant of that life are fooling themselves.  Porn is a cancer and must be cut out to the root, if the patient is to survive.  There are many different strategies and tactics around for dealing with the porn/lust addiction, but for me I have adopted and follow the K.I.S.S. concept or Keep It Stupid Simple. 

ZERO PORN POLICY:
No Porn Vids,
No Porn Pics,
No Porn Substitutes or P-Subs(Any pic, video or interaction that stimulates or arouses you)
No Literary Erotica(Books, short stories or cartoons),
No Suggestive Music,
No TV with(Nudity, Sex, Simulated Sex or Suggestive Speech),
No Movies with(Nudity, Sex, Simulated Sex or Suggestive Speech)
No Social Media for at least 90 days.(FB, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, etc.)
No smart phones, tablets or devices with Web Access(Use cheap flip for 90 days)
***For Some Dudes who are more tech savvy than others, YOU may have to forgo a PC completely for 90 days***

IT ALL HAS TO GO... 

Once you've accepted the fact that porn has ZERO place in your life and deleted, burned or permanently destroyed ALL porn and p-subs from your life, I recommend using filters and or blockers for at least the first,
 90 days(1 solid streak).  I use K9 and Pluckeye in tandem with very good results because it allows you to tailor you defensive structure to allow certain things and block certain things.  These work best when you have someone to keep the passwords, but Pluckeye  I think could be a solution for the single guy.  I credit Pluckeye as being instrumental in helping get me to my first goal which was 30 days.  Having accountability is good too and having a specific focus or reason you want to quit porn, the more specific and singular the better I think.  I say that because if your target is too vague its hard to visualize it during weak moments of temptation when you really NEED to muster your stength.  What we are trying to do is break the cycle that keeps repeating and the best way is, to CUT OFF all access to porn and arousing stimulation.  Your brain needs a minimum of 90 Days to Reboot(YMMV) and have time to build new Healthy habits to replace the Un-Healthy PMO habit.  Education(YBOP) and interaction with the RN Brethren are paramount to success.  Lastly I also recommend blocking Youtube once you've watched the important videos, but this is your choice, but my last fall involved Youtube... 

For my Christian brothers; I give this bit of wisdom, simply praying for God to take away your desire for porn isn't enough.  The Bible says, "Faith without works is DEAD" and this addiction will require work to overcome.  We were made with a natural healthy desire for companionship, intimacy and sex, porn is the extreme perversion of those desires.  So now we have to separate the wheat from the chaff, bit by bit plucking out the perverted bits that are polluting what God intended for us.  He will help you, He will heal you, but we don't get a free pass, to simply leave after the party turned ugly for us.  The work is important, the pain and struggle are important, they remind us that we can never go back or we face a mountain to climb back out. 

Thoughts that will enter your mind along the way that you should ignore:
I wonder if my dick still works, I haven't had an erection, maybe I should test it with just a peek?
NO, this is common and trips guys up all the time.  Just wait.

I'm feeling good, I haven't had an urge for porn in a while, maybe it doesn't effect me anymore, one quick peek?
NO, another common trap.  ZERO PORN, NO peeks!

Somewhere around 14-21 Days(YMMV) your gonna feel kinda "blank", we call it the "craving to have a craving" urge.  For so long you've trained your brain to expect a certain level of Dopamine and now those levels are dropping, which is good.  But the absence of the Dopamine leaves your brain feeling empty, numb and wanting.  The danger is you are now far enough away from your last fall that you've begun to forget the pain and frustration from your last fall, your only memory that remains is the "euphoric pleasure" part of PMO and you just want to have a feeling.  Your just gonna have to trust us that this to shall pass and learn to love withdrawals, they are the beginning of healing. 

To each and every Newbie and to anyone who finally wants out I recommend, "William's thread for Gentlemen".  Follow the link provided. 
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=1256.0
« Last Edit: June 09, 2016, 11:28:09 AM by Chip »

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #61 on: June 09, 2016, 04:01:23 PM »
Good advice Chip, we're pretty much on the same page with our approaches.  (And RN twins too with the same quit date).  Keep on keeping on and don't get complacent. 30 days seems like a long time, but we are still newborns when you consider how long we have been abusing the reward system in our brains.
I never use porn or masturbate Now.  I am in charge of my life.

Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #62 on: June 10, 2016, 07:47:02 PM »
I borrowed this from my friend Erasmus_xlt, we're both Christians and he's taught me a thing or 2 and I found his Biblical numerology involving 40 very interesting and thought I'd share it.  I edited it for brevity.

Day 40. 

...Biblically speaking 40 is a number related to testing: 
It rained 40 days and 40 nights;
Moses was in Egypt 40 years,
40 years he lived in the wilderness and
40 years he led Israel in the wilderness;
Jonah preached to Nineveh for 40 days;
Jesus was tempted for 40 days and
Jesus ascended 40 days after his resurrection.

I have been tested and tried.  I had some failures as well as some victories.  I mostly have my team in place and many tools to help.  I have tested my wife's patience (quite unintentionally) as well.  My relationship with her still requires that I learn much more.  But, as I desire her respect, love and intimacy, I am learning to do what it takes to gain her back.  She is the grand prize in all of this.  Please don't think that my comments about her anger toward me is all there is to her - she is so much more.  My comments when I am hurt, angry, lonely or tired (HALT) tend to be exaggerated snapshots of time.  She could say the same and much more of my outbursts of rage.

BTW, HALT means to stop.  When we are hungry, angry, lonely or tired we should stop and consider what is going on.  Those are the times when we are most likely to be tempted and fail...

So, I've made the first forty days.  I look forward to 40 weeks, 40 months and ultimately 40 years and beyond.

If you get a chance to check out his journal and read from the beginning you can bare witness to a man being changed by God right before your eyes.  It is nothing short of a miracle and a blessing to see.

Peace to my Brother Erasmus_xlt
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=9185.0

Chip

Branch

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #63 on: June 11, 2016, 03:36:19 PM »
I borrowed this from my friend Erasmus_xlt, we're both Christians and he's taught me a thing or 2 and I found his Biblical numerology involving 40 very interesting and thought I'd share it.  I edited it for brevity.

Day 40. 

...Biblically speaking 40 is a number related to testing: 
It rained 40 days and 40 nights;
Moses was in Egypt 40 years,
40 years he lived in the wilderness and
40 years he led Israel in the wilderness;
Jonah preached to Nineveh for 40 days;
Jesus was tempted for 40 days and
Jesus ascended 40 days after his resurrection.

I have been tested and tried.  I had some failures as well as some victories.  I mostly have my team in place and many tools to help.  I have tested my wife's patience (quite unintentionally) as well.  My relationship with her still requires that I learn much more.  But, as I desire her respect, love and intimacy, I am learning to do what it takes to gain her back.  She is the grand prize in all of this.  Please don't think that my comments about her anger toward me is all there is to her - she is so much more.  My comments when I am hurt, angry, lonely or tired (HALT) tend to be exaggerated snapshots of time.  She could say the same and much more of my outbursts of rage.

BTW, HALT means to stop.  When we are hungry, angry, lonely or tired we should stop and consider what is going on.  Those are the times when we are most likely to be tempted and fail...

So, I've made the first forty days.  I look forward to 40 weeks, 40 months and ultimately 40 years and beyond.

If you get a chance to check out his journal and read from the beginning you can bare witness to a man being changed by God right before your eyes.  It is nothing short of a miracle and a blessing to see.

Peace to my Brother Erasmus_xlt
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=9185.0

Chip

Tell us what happens when you get to 40 days. I think it'll be something special.

You're doing it, man. Keep it going!

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #64 on: June 11, 2016, 07:01:01 PM »
Those of us in the over 40 section of this website aren't young men anymore, but we're not done, either.  We still have work to do and dreams to pursue, or we wouldn't be here, trying to kick this fucking porn!

I second that Branch!  No matter what our age, if we don't have a dream, a vision or a reason for being,  it's going to be much harder to find recovery. My primary motivation at the moment is to  find the recovery which has eluded me for so many years AND to help others along their journey. As I get more sobriety I imagine that long forgotten dreams will come back into focus and new dreams for the future will arise!



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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #65 on: June 12, 2016, 07:09:55 AM »
Those of us in the over 40 section of this website aren't young men anymore, but we're not done, either.  We still have work to do and dreams to pursue, or we wouldn't be here, trying to kick this fucking porn!

I second that Branch!  No matter what our age, if we don't have a dream, a vision or a reason for being,  it's going to be much harder to find recovery. My primary motivation at the moment is to  find the recovery which has eluded me for so many years AND to help others along their journey. As I get more sobriety I imagine that long forgotten dreams will come back into focus and new dreams for the future will arise!

I third this, Branch and PF56! Freedom on the other-side of P!

I want to see what happens on day 40, too Brother Chip! :)

Let's keep going!

Peace x
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #66 on: June 12, 2016, 07:47:05 AM »
Thanks for the shout out brother Chip.

I also thank you for the brief presentation of the gospel earler in your posts.  I will second your testimony and greet it with a whole-hearted amen. 

As I post this, you are on day 34.  You have less time than it took for God to create the world to make your first 40 days.  God provides daily strength and a way out of every temptation.  It is ours to use but He won't do it for us.

Probably nothing you didn't already know, just some encouragement for your edification.  I appreciate your encouraging words.

Cherish your wife and the support you get from her.  Everyone that is married doesn't get that support or some get it later in the process.  Pray for her healing also and that her heart may beat again...

I'm on day 43 of the rest of my life.



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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #67 on: June 13, 2016, 02:31:35 PM »
I'm pretty pumped as I close in on 40 Days, my longest run since 2007. 

Its different this go around;
I have support,
I have education,
I have new techniques,
I have greater understanding,
I have wisdom and
I have experience
I am a Blessed man and I thank God for everything He has given me and the people He has put in my path. 

I don't want anyone thinking I'm not having any challenges, I am, but its a different setup this time.  I'm motivated to squash any tempting thoughts the instant they arise.  In my earlier attempts I wanted to be rid of porn, but I'd been using it for so many years, for every little thing that troubled me, it was just to easy to say, "Whats one more time gonna matter?" and I'd throw away whatever time I'd accumulated and binge. 

I think it all has to do with crossing lines, I mean its so much easier to resist doing something you've never done.  Once you've crossed over into experience its a different game and the more times you cross over, that line that use to stop you, gets trampled under your feet until its unrecognizable.  You see we all have lines in our minds that tell us how far we can go so we don't hurt ourselves or others.  These lines are there to help us, to protect us, but however it happened we crossed over the line into sexual sin or porn, we've experienced the pleasures and the pain.  For many of us we've been crossing that line for decades and we have trouble even knowing where the line use to be anymore.  So now we want to stop going over, but without a clear line to tell us where we should stop it easy to just wander back over it, accidentally and deliberately.  In an effort to keep myself from crossing over I placed something valuable on the floor to act as a line.  If I try to cross over now it will be destroyed in my doing so.  This method of placing a barrier of value in my path has worked marvelously and the old line is starting to show back up.  In my previous attempts without the barrier all that stood between me and crossing over was will power and the memory of the pain and fallout of PMO.  But what happened was over time the pain faded and all I could recall was the fun and pleasure and I'd cross over again.

When I first put up my barrier of value, I'd still have the same temptations I had in the past, but I have something tangible I can look too now and I was motivated to kill thoughts as soon as they appear.  Its given me time to rebuild the old line and exercise my mental muscles to resist the attacks.  So the thoughts still make appearances, but I'm better equipped to deal with them.  This week I was awoken by a sexual dream, my wife and I were romantically engaged(Which is fine), but then someone else appeared in the dream and tried to join us.  The instant this took place I snapped awake, which is good, it tells me my mind is adjusting to its new limits, both conscious and sub-conscious.  My analogy may not make sense to some, but in the hopes it helps 1 guy get free I'll keep on sharing.

I'm looking forward to 40 Days, that's big and then my next marker is 40 Weeks(280 Days).  After that, we'll just have to see, I may pass the baton to someone else.

Branch

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #68 on: June 13, 2016, 05:44:12 PM »
Rock and roll, Chip, you're a tower of power!  Keep it going!

Boo

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #69 on: June 14, 2016, 07:07:01 AM »
Chip,

You're showing great resolve and focus Bro. Once we go "all in" in both mind and spirit, things start to change. Interesting thought about your dream. The subconscious mind is a mystery.

You're totally on point about having boundaries and lines which we won't cross. I've instituted many of those in my life, but unfortunately, porn use hadn't been one, that is, until now. Keep moving forward brother.  ;D

Chip

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #70 on: June 15, 2016, 03:33:15 PM »
This is a repost of a post by a SO, Gracie.  I found it to be very insightful and educational.

Gracie: Only you know your heart and mind.  I discovered my husband's use 4 years ago.  I told him "I do not know if I can get past this."  (I should point out here that it was not internet,, but we had all the movie channels so he had lots of access.) I started reading and reading.  I came across a lot of information that basically said, "Boys will be boys."  And I felt funny, this is not how it feels to be on the other side of this.  It did not feel like "boys will be boys"  I was pretty sure that if it was that instance it would not feel like it did.  I knew that was not what I was looking for information wise.

I had a man that was kind and loving and cared.  I had a man that I enjoyed having sex with frequently.  This man had changed.  (You know, the hindsight glasses thing)  It had happened over a period of time.  Until finally, due to a health difficulty of mine, he chose to sleep on the couch.  I thought how understanding.  But then there was no sex.  Maybe once a week.  I had to ask.  When I did, he asked if he had missed a signal.  Then came the time we made love and he went downstairs.  I went down half hour later to get some water and he was rolled over facing the couch but porn was on. 

I went away on a short trip the next morning. (Already planned)  When I got back, I said we have to have some rules so I do not just walk away.  (Due to past life experiences all the way back to childhood, I just moved on, if not in body, in mind.)  The rules were:

No more porn.  (We disconnected the satellite tv.  Even if we got rid of movie channels there were free weekends.)
We are in bed together every night.
We stay in be together every night, all night.
We sleep naked.
We sit together on the couch.  No one in a chair.
We kiss hello and goodbye each time we leave the house and come back.  (Not just going to work)
We cuddle.  Full body hugs in bed every morning and every evening while in bed naked.
If we discussed this, some part of our bodies had to be touching while we talked. (foot, hand, side by side etc)


Those were the beginning rules. I came up with these while reading about this and reading about marriage conflict, in the early stages.   These helped a lot.  Did I get mad?  Yes  Did I yell? Yes  Did he get mean?  Yes  He became a man I had NEVER seen before.  I was scared.  I also got depressed.  Almost suicidal.
We have been married a long time. 

The routine above kept us tied to each other.  Even when sad, sad, sad, I participated.  Even when mad, mad, mad, I participated.  And he did too.  Sometimes after a release of emotion, the full body hug was difficult but we did it.  Sometimes, it was the most comforting thing of all.  The routine got us through.  We both got something we had been missing.  Physical contact.  Do not underestimate the power of that touch.  It took a lot to do this.  I would tell him I loved him but I did not like what he had done, and what he had done undermined the foundation of our marriage.  When the dislike was great, it was difficult.  There were times that he felt he disliked me.  I had taken away his "pleasure"   

There are other things we added in along the way.  The most important was we would say, "I'm not going anywhere." as we worked through this.  And even now when I have "moments" he will hold me and say that.   And never underestimate saying I Love You.

I also found a website/blog that helped us immensely. It is for the PA and the SO.  markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com  It is amazing.  He has recently added a 30 day recovery course for recovering addicts that is quite good.  He and I read it together.  He has archived the blog posts as well and they have a gold mine of information.  He and Geoff Steurer wrote a book, "Love You, Hate the Porn.  We read that together as well.  Geoff also has youtube videos as well.

You should not have to be the police.  Try what I suggested above.  Let him know, "This is the commitment I need."  I hope this helped.  We are a supportive forum.  Read and post often.

Erasmus_xlt

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #71 on: June 15, 2016, 10:45:07 PM »
Good repost Chip.  Gracie's post is good for PAs and SOs alike.  We have much to learn from her.



Erasmus_xlt

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #72 on: June 15, 2016, 11:05:03 PM »
Just information I want to be able to get to again.  This is from a success story that didn't focus on beating porn.  He focused on building a relationship with his wife as I am doing.

So glad to hear of your progress.

This article has lots of men's self reports about relationship improvements after giving up porn: http://yourbrainonporn.com/guys-who-gave-porn-sex-and-romance.
« Last Edit: June 17, 2016, 02:54:59 PM by Erasmus_xlt »



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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #73 on: June 17, 2016, 02:28:48 PM »
It seems to me all that is good and true in your life is returning to you, filling your heart and your mind, transforming your spirit.

God bless you, Chip.  Keep it going!

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Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« Reply #74 on: June 17, 2016, 03:13:30 PM »
I've found YBOP to be immensely helpful.